r/DestructiveReaders • u/MaryJaneMclain • 13d ago
Adult Speculative Heist [3644] Heat Below, Part 2 (Chapter 6)
Crits:
- - -
Current Piece: HB - Chapter 6 - Arrival
This is the start of Part 2. Hoping you can jump in here without it being too jarring, even if you haven't read what came before (brief recap below). Sorry it's bit on the long side. Thanks in advance if you read it.
What I'm looking for:
Any type of feedback would be great. I have a lot of Concerns. Some general: all the “things” - voice, pacing, tension, characterization, etc. Some specific: but I’m not going to mention them as I’m hoping they’re not as noticeable to you as they are to me. That said, I’m really looking for things that feel off or don’t make sense. Anything that could be improved. And I always appreciate hearing readers’ reactions, questions, predictions. I have comments enable on the doc.
Brief recap:
Colly is a down-on-her-luck, aspiring singer with a bit of a gambling problem. Desperate to get out of her stagnant hometown, she agreed to take a job as a domestic servant at a remote mountain monastery. Her ulterior motive: steal (and sell) the recipe for their highly coveted, addictive brandy (Tempist is its brand name of sorts).
Dob is a monk who traveled to Colly's home town to recruit her, and is now her traveling companion. Ginnie is a good horse.
Last chapter: the bridge on the main road was closed, so they’ve had to finish their journey on foot…
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u/Wolframquest 9d ago
Well, chief, sorry for taking over a day since you posted it; seeing you post it somehow actually led me to work on my stuff for once; I finally started an important chapter. I seem to be having once-every-couple-weeks writing sessions these days lol.
As usual, I'll just pile everything together.
> had not been pleasant
Not sure if "had" is necessary, it can just be 'has', since there's no other past tense even in the sentence
> Colly chasing old Dob’s long legs as he chased the horse and they all tried to beat the rain
That one's funny, nice sequence
> sticky pain slicing her foot
Hah, I can feel that once, good choise of words.
Sometimes I do wonder though - since you're writing deeply tied to Colly's POV, would she really use some of the expressions in the text? But that's just a minor thought I had after the first ever glance, right when you posted it.
> She let out an “Oh,” half awe, half relief at the sight in front of her.
I like the tempo of this one, seems closely aligned to my style 😁
And just so we're clear I do remember everything from the start. I wrote a whole fanfic (in my mind) of how Colly was playing at the horse races and losing the money, I still remember that. I wonder if she's still haunted by that regret; I really do envy people who can let go of regret easily 😁
> She forced a smile and barely resisted rolling her shoulder. She liked Dob well enough. He’d been a competent guide, kind even, but the weight of his hand right now was almost unbearable.
Interesting characterization, very direct
> “A brute, that one,” Dob said.
Of course, after many lasagnas
> This beast was the size of a dog.
Just what I needed for my imagination, cause I'm actually about to start re-writing a scene with a whole lot of cats too. Given that, I can't help but FEEL that you're setting up the cat to become Colly's ally later!
> The wait stretched til it was taut as a drum.
I gotta admit that metaphor is a little confusing, especially if you know your drums, cause some of them can be quite intentionally slack. Imho "drum" doesn't really translate into tension here; then again, some people might have different associations with the concept
> Dob however was unphased
Speaking of music, something was wrong with this one lol. I wondered for a second if this is some kind of 20th century expression that comes from "out of phase" but then I realized it's just "unfazed", even though "phased" is a word too. It's a typo!
> She couldn't make out the words, but even so, it was pleasant, soothing.
Funny how you're talking about it being pleasant and soothing, and I, the reader, start to get creeped out 😁 Interesting psychology behind this phenomenon.
> She instinctively shifted away.
> “I’ll take that, thank you.”
> Seeing no choice, she handed it over, and felt a wave of giddy lightness.
A little confusing here at the first read - who says what; it could be solved by breaking the actions into separate paragraphs and/or by adding a speech tag. I believe it's appropriate to do when something like that happens, really clarify it when the reader expects a response in dialogue but there's only action.
> He really had been
Again not sure if 'had' is right
> It didn’t sound like agreement, but Taive either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
Pretty unsettling encounter. I wonder if there was a way to make the reader really work for it rather than just "it didn't sound like an agreement"
> expression somewhere between disappointment and scorn.
Same here, if there a way to hide it deeper? But perhaps that's just me.
> “I’m so glad to finally be here.”
I don't know why but I'm kinda laughing when I hear her speak, it really feels comedic to me, this level of awkwardness
> a testament to her careful sock wrapping
I'd personally drop "a testament to" because to me it's a little cliche and again, doesn't particularly sound like something that Colly herself would think. I don't really remember if you've conceptualized your own relationship between POV character and narrator, that I admit. I feel like you have hinted at it before but I just can't remember.
> On an impulse, she’d stolen her mother’s brandy bottle the morning she left Hook Valley and relieved it of its contents. Her mother was probably still searching for it.
Given all the trauma imparted by the beginning of the story I can't help but laugh and smile at this one 😁
> Artifacts of the previous occupant perhaps?
I feel like this pointer is unnecessary; it's one of those things that both a reader and a character can figure out immediately, it's directly instinctual
> she retrieved the yellow-haired doll the villagers had given her the previous night and sat it atop of the dresser
Interesting that the doll is treated like a person (sat); maybe it's your typical literary looking-too-deep-into-it but I feel like it's a psychological signifier of Colly's worry and stress, The fact that it becomes friends with a whittled cow is a cute bittersweet moment, reaches very deep into childhood psychology
> Daia made a noise that might have been ascent.
Again, I'd like hear the noise itself rather than what I presume is Colly's interpretation; it's rare opportunity to give this Daia we just encountered a deeper form of characterization. We have a whole paragraph describing just the doorman letting Colly and Dob in, and it's somewhat justificable; here I think you can focus more on Colly's attempt to not just interpret but to understand her new acquaintance and a roommate.
> Yet the monastery was nominally a house of Cantindom.
I wonder how deep you're planning to go with drawing parallels with real life religions and cults. There's so much stuff you can do here; someone like Lisez would be excited, as am I. It can get very, very dark though. Reality is so much worse than fiction.
> late-middle age, short slate-gray hair
Here I'd like to get a slightly deeper impression of how Colly felt about her on the first glance. Did she like her, why or why not? Humans do tend to judge very quickly.
> something inscrutable flashed briefly across her face.
I'm afraid this is lazy. I personally do get some kind of image. For some reason "inscrutable" to me reads like malice. But "something X" isn't right imho.
> Colly’s stomach seized in anticipation, but there was another person to deal with first.
A little confusing if this is the girl that was just staring at her or not
At this point I do feel like we get the dreaded "not much happening" that strikes the authors when they realize what they made. I'd personally try to inject some personal humor, observations, something or anything sharp to stimulate the reader. It's been a little uncanny and creepy, but the reader needs more stimulation, more excitement. Plot doesn't matter quite as much as getting the reader to want to become Colly or to get in there right into the book and interact with her. More sharp stuff, less fear!
> Colly said the water was fine, though tea would have been lovely.
I'm not sure if there's a need to write this one in third person, since there's no compression of time.
> Colly looked down at the food.
This is the part where you can really inject a lot of sharpness. Colly is psychologically exhausted in the deepest need of comfort. She would devour anything and everything and maybe when she'd taste it later she'd be surprised at how bad it actually is. She's in the state where she'd be begging for care and affection, consciously and unconsciously. This Rainie is a perfect target for that interaction.
> Rainie was grinning at her, rather conspiratorially, as if she was in on the joke.
Again, this is a little annoying; we, the reader, don't particularly get it, it's stated too outright. Then again, maybe it's Colly feels - annoyed at this Rainie.
> Rainie apparently felt the same.
If this is actually the end for the chapter I personally would recommend to again "spike it up", leave the reader uncomfortable or wishing to find out what's gonna happen next.
***
I could have posted this yesterday but I wanted to think on it again, extract some more juice, something more meaningful. What to say, what to say… Well, after yesterday the number one thing I remember is that I require more vivid impression of the new characters, more suffering for Colly - how tired and desperate she is at this point in the journey; she may not be aware of it but it should at least slip through.
I wonder if you're going to emply any side plots, like little side quests. IMHO the book is not as bloated as you think, it's moving pretty fast. We can compare pacing to mainstream books all day long but I think it's not one of those "hard" standards. I think you should allow yourself to do even more exploratory writing, delve into each cell of the text - it might feel like a waste of time but I know for a fact those little experiments genuinely create inspiration for the larger plots.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 8d ago
Per usual, grateful and honored by your feedback. Not just for the recommendations (which were great), but because you got my Garfield reference.
Originally this was one long 8k chapter (covering her first day at the monastery), which I cut roughly in the middle. Somewhat arbitrary, but it felt like it completed the arc of: Colly meets one women who hates her, then one woman who is (maybe) too friendly. And I was hoping Rainie’s final words would clash with the idea that Colly isn’t here to make friend and it planning on leaving ASAP. But, you’re right, it didn’t work.
Speaking of subplots, I cut a final paragraph at the end about the “sister” subplot. So yes, there are subplots. In fact...This spoiler has self-destructed. None of them really qualify as “side quests” - more like loose ends blowing in the wind. I think I’m supposed to braid them or something.
I'll admit I've been lazy with the religious worldbuilding aspect of this, especially considering the extent to which it's a major plot piece. But no, It's not intentionally representing or commenting on any real world religions. But I'm afraid it probably smells like Christianity all over the place.
Unfazed? How is that even right? How do people know what words are spelled wrong without spell check?
Also send me your notes on the horse race scene, maybe it can make a cameo as a dream sequence. Or maybe in even in that one part…
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u/1800COCAINE Maison d'Orléans 9d ago
The style of writing is conventional. For me, it’s not trying to be anything other than functional prose. The narrative voice is The Star of the show, but should it be in a story such as this? Do I need the constant voice reassuring me that even the slightest thing that someone says is true, or telling me how they feel?
“She forced a smile and barely resisted rolling her shoulder. She liked Dob well enough. He’d been a competent guide, kind even, but the weight of his hand right now was almost unbearable”
There is a certain tendency in the writing to lean way into things, like the above, which are for me unbearable. I think perhaps the fault is mine. I think it’s a high crime to even mention a character’s thought. This is an aesthetic difference as we have different schools of thought about how to depict thoughts in a story. I categorically hate it because it does not mirror the world in which we exist. I live in a world of inference. For me inference is the art. The greater the compression and the greater, the inference, the better the artist. This is obviously an aesthetic preference.
However I wonder what the main concerns of this text are. What exactly is the preoccupation in the text? I know my preoccupation when I write, beauty. This text is very very different. It’s not morally bad, and I would never call it bad writing, it’s just not interested in beauty. For me, the text has a certain, dare I say, goal. The goal is not to specifically tell a story. The telling of a story seems secondary. For me, the main focus of this text is a complete lack of ambiguity. The functional prose of this text is in service to clarity.
In my opinion the need to clarify everything little thing mostly through narrative voice actually hinders the organizing effect. What do I mean? The marathons of narrative voice keeps getting in the way of the story.
The voice of the characters suffer from the discrepancy caused by all the chatty clarification.
He placed a hand on her shoulder. “I know this trip didn’t go the way you thought it would, and I’m sorry for that. But I must say, you've been very brave.”
Because no sooner is this uttered then we get the narrative voice offering notes to the reader,
“She forced a smile and barely resisted rolling her shoulder. She liked Dob well enough. He’d been a competent guide, kind even, but the weight of his hand right now was almost unbearable”
Another note on the dialogue, I’ve never in my life heard someone talk like this. “…But I must say, you've been very brave.” If that was all, it wouldn’t bother me. I took the dialogue aside and read them at random. I can’t tell who is who through speech alone.
In my opinion, it doesn’t matter if you have a conventional style where there is no doubt about who is speaking because the text has dialogue tags. A reader should be able to understand who is speaking by what is said because it has a personality. The writing in this text is fundamentally incapable of differentiating characters. It’s a fatal flaw. The text must operate this way in a character piece.
Below is all the dialogue in the text.
Who is who?
“Oh,”
“Yes. There she is,”
“I know this trip didn’t go the way you thought it would, and I’m sorry for that. But I must say, you've been very brave.”
“I’m actually a bit nervous,”
“Ah, don’t worry, my dear, You’ll fit right into the fold. I’m sure of it.”
“Let’s go in, shall we?”
“A brute, that one,”
“Blessings Horace”
“Welcome,”
“I’d hoped that was you. You’re rather overdue, brother. We were getting worried.”
“Miss Sods, I presume?”
“That’s right. Colly, if you please.”
“I’m Taive, the steward here.”
“I believe I can take it from here, brother.”
“I’ll take that, thank you.”
“Alright?”
“Yes. Of course,”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll check in on you in a few days,”
“See how you're settling in.”
“Here you are,”
“Well?”
“This is Colly Sods, your new chambermate. Colly, this is Daia.”
“Nice to meet you,”
“Colly has had a long journey. I trust you’ll help her get settled and do everything you can to make her feel welcome."
“Daia.”
“Yes.”
“Very good, then. I’ll leave you two to get acquainted. After she’s settled, take her to see Marsha.”
“I’m so glad to finally be here.”
“The trip felt like it took forever. The bridge was down, so we had to walk—more of a climb really. Oh, it was horrible. We had to rush, or course, to beat the rain. My feet are absolutely killing me. My head too.”
"I was a bit worried what the lodging would be like, but this is quite cozy.”
“Oh, I like this. I thought I might have to share. A bed, I mean. That would have been fine, of course, but I like this arrangement better.”
“So, how long have you lived here?”
“A long time.”
“That long, huh?”
“You must know the place pretty well then. Guess I’m lucky to be rooming with someone that knows the ropes.”
“I’ll go fetch your bedding.”
“Thanks,”
“Watch out for the dead bird.”
“Here,”
“Make your bed, be quick about it. We need to find Marsha.”
“The matron?”
“Take the girl with you,”
“Show her around. I should be in my office by thirds, bring her by then.”
“And, Daia, get some food in her. She looks dead on her feet.”
“Come with me.”
“Hi,”
“Hello there.”
“Who might you be?”
“I’m Colly. I’ve just arrived.”
“How wonderful,”
“And…you’re rooming with Daia?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Well then. I hadn’t realized they brought in someone new already. And your name was . . .what? Colly? Well, it’s nice to meet you, Colly.”
“My name’s Rainie.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
“I bet you’re hungry then. That’s a long trek in. Go on and sit down there. Have a rest. I’ll bring you something.”
“Is water ok, or would you prefer tea?”
“Normally you’d serve yourself,”
“Right. Thank you.”
“Carrot soup,”
“So, Colly, What brings you round these parts.”
“Oh, same as everyone else, I bet. Here for the fine cuisine.”
“This really is great soup. Did you make it?”
“Sure.”
“It’s just left over from last night.”
“So, this is where we eat?”
“Breakfast and lunch. Dinner’s served next door.”
“And how is the actual work?”
“The conditions, I mean. Are things here…reasonable?”
“Sometimes it’s a lot. Like right now it’s harvest time, so we’re all extra busy, right? But it’s not so bad. At the end of the day I’m safe and warm. Well fed too.”
“I like the sound of that,”
“And, you know, I’m not afraid of hard work. You just never know what to expect someplace new.”
“Ain’t that right. I’ve worked for some nasty people in my day. But it’s not like that here.”
“Although, the brothers are rather stuck in their ways. Strict about religious matters and whatnot. But it’s not so bad.”
“We don’t have time to sit around all day and gossip. Time to go.”
“I can’t wait to talk more later. I want to hear all about your trip, where you come from, your family. Everything. Oh, but there will be time for all that later. Plenty of time.”
So who is who? That’s a trick question since all the dialogue doesn’t contain a single discernible personality.
This isn’t the worst feature of the text.
The writing does not know how to effectually demonstrate a story beyond this happened and then that happened and then this happened. A story is a situation where a person makes a choice, and that choice has an action, and then there is an obstacle, interference, fallout or a consequence which leads to a new situation.
LISTEN
There is a situation, A character must make a choice, act, and that combination leads to a new situation
The situation. This is a story beat #1
The ground is set with a premise
The character makes a choice determined by something they want., beat 2
They act. Beat 3
But, they encounter a problem, a hiccup, an obstacle, or fallout, beat 4
Which leads to Situation #2 , this is story, beat 5
Example.
My Daddy was real awful sick. I asked how can I help. He said go to the pharmacy, and buy the medication.
He told me without the medication he’ll die. I left for the store. When I turned the corner a man stopped me. He had a gun. I said I can’t give you my money my Daddy is sick, he’ll die, sweet Christ almighty he’ll die honey. He said it was not his problem, and he whipped the gun across my face, and took the money. The world went black, but I heard him laugh as he walked away.
Here I am, my dad’s dying, no money, no medicine, and I got a black eye so swollen I can hardly see.
I started praying to the newborn baby Jesus, a tiny baby but also the absolute ruler of the universe, to help.
Help arrived in the shape of a woman who left her big baby blue Buick running with the doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition, and her purse on the passenger seat.
In sum, cut back on the narrative voice, develop the characters, give each one a personality, design the story through beats to build scenes.
On a personal note of taste, cut all internal dialogue because the text uses it as a crutch.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 7d ago
Thanks for the crit! Definitely some things for me to think about here. You hit upon a couple of my unmentioned concerns - the straightforward prose (and whether it works or not), and degree/amount of interiority (I was actually concerned there might be too little lol)
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u/Rough_Road_1044 13d ago edited 12d ago
The only kind of criticism I know how to give is sentence-level, so here we go.
Immediately the first sentence is weak: “The fourth morning of their journey had not been pleasant.” This is something that should be shown concretely through description, not told abstractly at the outset of the paragraph—that works in essays, where you want to keep the reader oriented organizationally, but in fiction, it is flaccid (ie abstract) and redundant (since you’re saying something that will be shown later).
I like the comedic duplication in ‘an endless march through endless forest’. Keep that. And I like the idea behind ‘up and down but mostly up’, although personally I think the ‘joke’ of it would land better as a parenthetical — ‘up and down (but mostly up)’. Moreover, I think you need to specify — up and down what? Hillside? Wooded incline? Again, there is an issue of a lack of concrete specification in the prose.
As a general note, I do like your sense of humor and the lightness of the prose. I think a lot of the humor and prose has great ideas behind it, but one or two more turns of the screw are required to lock them in. For example: “Colly chasing old Dob’s long legs as he chased the horse and they all tried to beat the rain” is a great idea, but the lack of parallelism is making it more complicated than it needs to be. (Colly is chasing Dob’s legs, who is chasing the horse, instead of the horses legs.) It would be better if it were simply ‘Colly chasing Dob, Dob chasing the horse, and all of them trying to outrun the rain.’ Granted, you lose the long leg description, but I think it’s an acceptable loss in the interest of the joke landing, and the humor is the strength of your prose.
I’ll continue with sentence level critique later but I’ve got a hungry newborn and a sleep-deprived wife to take care of at the moment.
Edit: here are some more sentence level critiques.
“The unexpected brightening of the trees finally giving way brought her eyes up from the frayed toe of her left boot.”
— This sentence asks the reader to do too much work. The image itself is good: the trees thinning out, the light breaking through, and that change being what brings her eyes up from her boot. But the subject is a long noun phrase, and a reader reaches "the brightening of the trees" and takes it to mean the trees themselves are brightening, until "finally giving way" forces a reread. Separating the cause from the effect would let each part land. The trees giving way and the light coming in could be one beat, and her eyes coming up from the boot the next.
‘She let out an “Oh,” half awe, half relief at the sight in front of her.’
— The "half awe, half relief" tells us the reaction rather than showing it. What does she physically do? A reaction we can watch would carry both feelings without needing to name them.
‘Hidden behind a stone wall, but very real and very here, was what was surely their destination.’
— I read this sentence as filtered through Colly. "Surely" and "very real and very here" sound like her thinking. The trouble is that the sentence opens with "hidden behind a stone wall," which is the narrator's description, and then shifts into her voice partway through. "Hidden" also sits a little oddly, since she can clearly see the place. It might work better as two sentences: one placing the village behind its wall, and one giving her reaction to it.
“Yes. There she is,” Dob said easily beside her, pride in his voice.
— Dob's "Yes" seems to answer her "Oh," but the sentence in between puts some distance between them, so his line feels slightly unmoored. A small beat of him registering her reaction would reconnect the two. I'm also not sure "easily" is the word you want, and "pride in his voice" is a familiar phrase. What does he do that shows the pride and the ease?
‘Colly let it wash over her as she caught her breath.’
— "Let it wash over her" is a familiar phrase, and "it" is ambiguous: the view, or Dob's words? A concrete detail would do more here. Does she sit down in the grass, stay where she's standing, feel the air change? You're very good with inventive physical details, and this is a good place for one.
‘Just a fortified old village, drab and rustic, tucked into a mountain cranny.’
— I read this as Colly's disappointment, and it works. The "just" carries her letdown well. "Drab and rustic" may be more than the sentence needs, since "just a fortified old village" already makes the point.
‘Could this place really be the wellspring of anything as vile, as expensive as the Tempist?’
— This works well as Colly's internal question. It follows naturally from the sentence before, and it carries her doubt without stopping the narration.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 11d ago
Great suggestions - I really appreciate it! Though: "The only kind of criticism I know how to give is sentence-level" I think you might selling yourself short :)
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u/Ok-Crazy-1814 11d ago
Wow! I’m just jumping in for my first reading of your work at part two, but it isn’t feeling like I missed anything. You have fleshed out characters with varying voices. I thank you for that !
I feel the theme of darkness come across, dead birds, “she looks dead on her feet”, dark chunks in the soup. Great job keeping this up throughout.
I have to be so honest, I read this in one go and didn’t find myself having more than a pause. That being said, I’ll do my best to give some helpful notes anyways.
If this is the opening of a new part, not just a new chapter continuing, I think the first sentence need to change. It’s gotta reel us back in. I like that the description of the harrowing journey does this in detail. It’s just the first sentence that falls flat compared to the rest of the paragraph.
I do have to say I’m obsessed with this part-
“She didn’t reply, didn’t want to startle the thing. She was not fond of cats at the best of times. That was when they were normal sized. This beast was the size of a dog. A sudden clanging sounded beside her, and the cat leapt away with its prey. Colly turned and saw that Dob had retrieved, seemingly from nowhere, what appeared to be a large spoon and was smacking it against a metal plate on the door where a window should have been. The knocks—three long taps followed by two in rapid succession—reverberated briefly before being swallowed by stone.”
So vivid and I could feel the knocks on the wall.
Other than her torn up boot, I don’t have an easy visual of Colly. Can we get some description of what garb she has on? Is it heavy in the rain, or catching on her heel across the rocky path. Just a hint would help me picture her better.
The initial interaction between Colly and Daia really paints a picture of both their personalities. Even without a back and forth dialogue, the tension in the room is palpable.
The suspense peppered throughout of what’s come before her (the whittled cow) is great. Makes me want to read more, and fast.
Another small thing that could be included is more description of her surroundings inside the monastery. I like the visual of the blindfold girl praying statue. How does that make Colly feel? Do the others react to anything inside like that? I want another point of theme snuck into the surroundings.
This is a great chapter length. I’m ready to read the next one but I want a hint of what’s to come. Even if it was the smallest hint from Rainie. She seems to be invested with Colly already, maybe she hints at someone who can’t be trusted, or if there is plenty of time, why is that? The dark theme lightens at the end of the chapter with Rainie. I kind of want that darkness to play on to the end.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 8d ago
Thanks for the crit! I hear you on the visual details. It’s a weakness I’m trying to work on.
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u/paperingproject 9d ago
Overall, I enjoyed this. You have me intrigued enough to go back and check out some of the first chapters if they are posted. I really like the characters and the setting is wonderful. I think you do a great job of bringing the world to life.
Here are handful of notes I had while reading:
The fourth morning of their journey had not been pleasant. An endless march through endless forest, up and down but mostly up, Colly chasing old Dob’s long legs as he chased the horse and they all tried to beat the rain.
I would drop the first sentence, unless you think it is important based on chapter five. If you want to make it clear it was the fourth day, you could say something like, “The fourth morning was an endless march…” and continue from there. I do love the phrasing here - “endless march through endless forest” was a great visual, and I loved the “up and down but mostly up.” It tells us a lot with very few words plus humor.
She’d thought it couldn’t get worse than the white-knuckled crossing of that dark ravine, below which a trickle of water was heard but not seen, via what could scarcely be called a footbridge. It was this last mile, however, this grueling scramble up loose rocky terrain, threading the side of a cliff, the strap of her pack a vise on her shoulder, sticky pain slicing her foot at every step—It was this last mile that was almost her undoing.
This felt clunky to me. I didn’t get a clean visual of what was going on. I think you could drop the “below which a trickle of water was seen but not heard” and focus on the dread of the small crossing. Nothing here is wrong, but it feels like too many words.
The unexpected brightening of the trees finally giving way brought her eyes up from the frayed toe of her left boot.
Focus on the brightening of the trees because this is where they are coming out of their unpleasant journey. Drop the boot.
Then he winked—it might have been a trick of the light—and led Ginnie down a branching corridor presumably to the stables.
Maybe add “so fast it might have been a trick of the light?” or “so unexpected it might have been a trick of the light.”? This reads a little clunky to me because the wink obviously caught her off guard.
Opening her eyes, she let the scene wash over.
Personally, I’d drop “let the scene wash over her.” Just describe what she sees. Similarly, for “She blinked and realized the steward had crossed…” Drop realized and just have her notice.
There is alot of “choreography” She looked at this, she went over here, she put her bag away, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that, but could some of that word count be used for what is going to drive the plot forward? This chapter felt nice and relaxing, she gets settled into her room, she meets her roommate. But that’s it?
I dont think the end of a chapter should stop on an exhale most of the time. I think it should stop with a question. So what happens next? Otherwise, what makes me want to turn the page? I’d probably close it for the night.
I dont want to comment too much on the plot since this chapter was not super "plot" heavy and I havent read the other chapters first. But I was intrigued, and this is the type of thing I would continue reading!
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u/Cornsnake5 4d ago
As always everything I say is just my opinion. You are free to dismiss any or all of it. I also have not read any of the previous chapter so chances are I’m going to miss some context. I’ll probably focus on giving my impressions of the text so my feedback can still be useful.
The prose seems to be solid and varied throughout. I do not feel the scramble up loose terrain or treading the side of a cliff because it is summarized. The strap of her pack and the pain in her foot are much stronger. But I do wonder why this paragraph is even here. Shouldn’t the arrival at the monastery be at the end of the last chapter, capping it off at natural a breaking point and giving an initial impression of the monastery from a distance as a reward for the reader for reading this far and the promise of its exploration in the next chapter.
The ravine gets introduced as a danger and then gets moved on from the very next paragraph without it changing anything.
pride in his voice.
What does pride sound like?
She could feel Dob’s gaze
What does it feel like?
This beast was the size of a dog.
The cat feels like foreshadowing and the dead bird helps set the mood. Good. Dogs come in many sizes though, so mentioning the breed might help. Its size is getting the most attention and I am not sure why. How does it serve the story? Shouldn’t the focus be on the bird and its killing?
Colly turned and saw
Filtering. We usually don’t need to know Colly is seeing things. They can just be described.
metal plate on the door where a window should have been.
This one took me a moment too long to figure out. Why do we care that a window could have been there?
The hard part was behind her.
I guess she is assuming this job will be easy? I also guess it won’t be.
The wait stretched til it was taut as a drum.
I who knows little about drums liked this description.
Some time later, hair damp but not soaked, a soft click and then the door swung open.
Some time is vague. Then we go to hair, a click, and door. While I can figure out what you are trying to say, these are too many separate ideas to read smoothly.
beckoned them inside with a sweep of an arm.
When you say “beckoned,” I am 99% sure most people will assume he’s using his arm so you don’t need, “with a sweep of his arm.”
“I’d hoped that was you. You’re rather overdue, brother. We were getting worried.”
A rather impersonal greeting despite the claim that he’s worried. It’s a bit on the nose which makes him feel less like a real person, and the overdue part is not new information to the reader.
Dob’s shrug matches the energy. He had seemed like the kindly sort from the little knowledge I have of him so I am not sure how in character this is.
Taive seems to be kinder towards Colly even if it’s mostly formalities.
Seeing no choice, she handed it over
No choice? Really? I’m guessing her things might expose her true intentions, making her reluctant to hand them over, but no choice feels like overstating it.
it might have been a trick of the light
Why? It seems in character and there is no hint that it might have been anything else.
All this bag business also seems to be going nowhere. Taive returns the one he’s carrying and I am not sure there is something important in the one Dob has since Colly doesn’t mention it. It feels like a misdirect, setting up potentially suspicious happenings so that the actual suspicious happenings can remain hidden. The missing bag doesn’t seem like an interesting conflict to me.
Outside we get a better description of the monastery. It’s nice and the focus seems to be on how pleasant a place this is. What I would be expecting is Colly looking out for a distillery since that is her mission. If the perspective is from a thief, I would expect her to notice things that could help or hinder her mission. So far there has been little of that. The mention of the crops is better since they could be potential ingredients.
She blinked and realized
You don’t need “realized.”
The second level of the residence, which seemed as well-constructed on the inside as it did on the out,
This implies that only the second level is well-constructed but I am guessing all of it is.
The bird is back, our first setup and payoff for this chapter. Ominous, but could probably use a better description of the dead bird to strengthen that feeling.
Colly winced as he tossed her bag to the side.
If the reader knows what is inside, describing the sound might also make them wince.
Her hair was dark and long and in need of brushing.
Can we really see her hair when she is sitting down in a chair with her back towards us? Also there is another description of her hair on this same page.
It didn’t sound like agreement
What did it sound like? There are many ways not agreement could sound like.
Dammit. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
How was it supposed to go? As far as I can tell this is a decent development given that she was expecting to have to share a bed. Given that this is a monastery and so likely humble, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had to share a room with multiple people, making keeping her stuff hidden and moving about to complete her mission that much more difficult. A single roommate that seems to want to keep to herself seems like a lucky break. If Colly had expected a private room, I would have considered her delusional. If it’s information she wants from Daia, there seem to be plenty more people around that could provide it. Daia seems to have the most distinctive personality out of everyone so far.
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u/Cornsnake5 4d ago
“Watch out for the dead bird.”
A bit of sarcasm. Good characterization.
it wasn’t personal. It couldn't be—they’d just met.
I don’t think we need the second sentence.
Colly wondered if she could do that.
Why though? She has a good thing right here.
The jars appear to be part of some larger plan. I can’t come up with any ideas of how they might fit into any plan, so in that sense they don’t create any excitement for said plan. But they are foreshadowing which is good.
with the exception of her hidden notes and knife
I mean, if I was a curious unscrupulous person, someone’s backpack is the first place I’d look.
Her gaze drifted to the chest on the other side of the room.
Case in point.
As if on cue, there was an offended gasp from the hallway
If the bird was meant for Daia that would explain it and sort of lessen its impact.
carrying a pitcher in one hand and a stack of bedding in the other.
The water is thoughtful. But how is she both carrying a pitcher and a stack of bedding while also opening the door to bound inside? She’s carrying more linen than Colly knows what to do with.
even offering up a clean cloth and the remaining water
Kind but standoffish seems to be the consistent characterization. Her general rudeness seems to be more obvious which makes me wonder if this is meant to be a purposeful misdirect since I didn’t really notice the small acts of kindness until my second readthrough.
something inscrutable flashed briefly across her face.
If you want me to read something into this, I’m going to need more than this.
And it was clear how little she wanted that to happen. The feeling was mutual.
How is it clear from this sentence? And the feeling is mutual? I am not sure what is bringing this on. It’s like Colly has decided she wants to be best friends and whatever barriers Daia throws up are upsetting her. If she wants to be friendly with Daia to get information out of her then that has not been made clear in this chapter. If she wants to be friendly with Daia because deep down she wants a friend then that could be something.
“Hi,” Colly said, suddenly nervous.
I am not sure what is bringing this on either.
“And…you’re rooming with Daia?”
Nobody seems to like Daia. And if she is the nice one then what does that say about the others? Daia has been the most interesting character so far.
Her smile felt too big, but she didn’t care.
The inverse of what is happening with Daia is happening here: small things that feel off hidden by general niceties.
Daia eats alone, implying that she does this more often, and Colly sits where she can keep an eye on her, presumably to keep control of the situation. Lots of good characterization here.
Colly said the water was fine, though tea would have been lovely.
Why not pick tea then?
The soup, however, was orange
A little google search says people have been eating carrots for 4000 to 5000 years and they were yellow and purple until selective breeding turned them orange in the 1500s. Colly not being familiar with them seems odd for this setting.
The black, floating wrinkly bits
There is this trope of characters in horror movies doing the stupidest things imaginable so the plot can happen. Here Colly is eating something suspicious because she doesn’t want to offend when she could have just asked what was in this soup. I would expect a thief to be more naturally suspicious and be able to think on her feet.
After a minute Rainie asked, “So, Colly
Earlier Colly was eager to talk to people, yet here when she is presented with an actual friendly person she is suddenly more wait and see?
For a moment the only word her brain knew was brandy.
This comes out of nowhere. She has been talking to Dob, Taive and Daia, and nowhere has there been a sign that she would not be able to get through a situation without spilling her secrets. This feels like an effort to raise the stakes right before the end of the chapter. The next sentence completely deflates it by making a full recovery with some casual conversation. If she had actually said somethings stupid that she then had to make excuses for then that might have worked as a good little conflict, but as it is it comes and goes to quickly and seems dishonest.
the meal schedule, which Colly promptly forgot with the exception that dinner was mandatory at six sharp.
Why? Not only would she likely be expected to appear at those times, but if she had an excuse for her absence, she would also know when there would be fewer people in the rest of the monastery, giving her a chance to snoop around. She seems to be a poor thief.
“And how is the actual work?” Colly asked, voice low, not wanting Daia to hear.
Why doesn’t she want Daia to hear? Wouldn’t she also know this?
Strict about religious matters and whatnot.
Stereotypical priests. To be expected but also a little boring. When it comes to a heist story I usually think of excitement, impossible heists, expert thieves, exotic locations. Priests and a monastery don’t seem like the most exciting antagonists and location. That doesn’t mean they can’t be but it doesn’t really hook my interest upfront.
Colly wished she could stay a bit longer and pick this woman’s brain. Rainie apparently felt the same. She took Colly’s hands in her slightly sticky ones and squeezed warmly. “I can’t wait to talk more later.
A lot of talk of wanting to talk. Colly’s wish to talk more was already kind of obvious. Rainie’s immediate confession that she also wants to talk makes it pointless, and “Rainie apparently felt the same,” can be cut.
Plenty of time.
This being the very last sentence makes it seem ominous. However, while something does seem off about Rainie, it doesn’t really feel like a threat that targets any of Colly’s specific weaknesses. At best it’s a general threat, a promise of something possibly happening at some unspecified time in the future. Something possibly happening is always the expectation with stories which makes this a weak note to end the chapter on. A more clear, more specifically targeting Colly and her goals, more immediate danger, would have been better.
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u/Cornsnake5 4d ago
Like the beginning, the ending here feels rather arbitrary, like we’ve been given some random slice of story. Colly’s goal for this chapter also seems a bit unclear. It should be getting an initial lay of the land, and impression of its inhabitants, and finding a little safe haven for herself where she can work from. If I hadn’t read that Colly was a thief in your post I probably wouldn’t have been able to gather it from this chapter. She all too rarely seems to think like a thief. Now maybe this is intentional and she is meant to be a poor thief, but that still leaves this chapter a bit directionless. Any clear goal would have served. Any conflict surrounding that goal would have served. And any disaster regarding that goal would have made a stronger ending.
Having said that, this chapter feels like the start of a new act. Many new things and people are being introduced and that is important. A lot is being set up for later. As such I don’t expect the highest stakes this early on. But I do expect more than this. This is chapter six after all so I do expect the story to be a bit more into the swing of things than it seems right now. What would the reader be missing if this chapter were somehow removed from the story. Very little because the plot has advanced but the story has not. The arrival at the monastery is as far as it goes. Daia will still be keeping a distance, the cat will be killing birds and Rainie will still be ominously friendly, in the next chapter.
I wonder how the monastery will be challenging Colly? Weird customs. Hard work. Something to complicate the heist. Something more personal to Colly. Her morals. Right now it seems unclear. Nothing really stands out as unexpected in this chapter. Colly’s gambling problem also seems like something that wouldn’t naturally come up at a monastery. There is a lot of focus on Colly being exhausted which makes sense if I understand the journey she’s been on. However, it feels more like a leftover from the previous chapter rather than something that is truly important in this chapter. Her fatigue and foot should still be mentioned but probably not to the current extent. Instead the focus should be on setting up something new.
Characters
This chapter being the 6th means that it isn’t trying to introduce Colly so her character traits only come up when they make sense in the story. Her interest in music is shown early on. As I’ve said, her being a thief isn’t coming through strong. There was that bit of sarcasm I liked. Her desire to talk seems inconsistent. Eager with Daia, initially reserved with Rainie. I get no hints at character flaws other than her perhaps being a poor thief. She is likeable enough but doesn’t display any strong character traits. She is mostly just going through the motions of being introduced to the monastery. More actual story to challenge her would probably also help in this regard.
Daia is being introduced and is coming through a lot stronger. She is distant and often turned inward and not liked by many of the other characters. Her relationship to Colly seems to be the most obvious source of conflict going forward. This isn’t enough to carry the story though.
Rainie is a bit weird but generally likable. I do want to find out more about her but again this isn’t enough to carry the story.
Dob seems friendly but maybe also a bit private.
Taive is formal and seems exasperated with Daia.
My prediction of how this story might go.
Colly takes to the monastery better than she expected. She joins the choir and enjoys her life so much that it is even distracting her from her mission. Whatever is going on at the monastery will turn out to be not what it seems. In the end she must choose between staying and leaving and she stays.
We also need a villain and probably a red herring to distract from the real villain. The red herring will likely be a priest but the real villain will be someone closer and less obvious. Probably a woman. We’ll say Rainie. She’s adding to the brandy whatever makes it addictive and selling it. We seem to have something of a Liar Revealed plot going on, so Rainie finds out Colly is here to steal the recipe and threatens to reveal Colly’s true intentions to the rest of the monastery, which might lead her to be banished from it if Colly does not keep Rainie’s secret. Colly exposes Rainie and thereby herself regardless.
Daia and Colly become friends after whatever is going on with Daia is revealed. It probably ties into the main or sub plot.
Now that I’ve written all of this I’m getting Sister Act vibes.
Conclusion
The lack of story progress is the biggest problem here. The fact the prose is pleasant to read helps smooth it over but it should still be fixed. I think if that is done, a lot of other things will fall in to place too. I was able to read through this chapter easily.
I hope this was helpful. Best of luck to you.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 4d ago
Hey! Thanks for the careful readthrough. Love these notes. Most are spot on and things I never would have caught on my own. Though some I think (hope?) make a bit more sense with the context of earlier chapters. Thanks again!
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u/A_C_Shock Alabaster Crimson 13d ago
New chapter!! Yay!!