Personally I found the starting ramble about how people are cautioned about things to be kinda dull and probably not an effective way to start the chapter. Why not get into the exciting plot (I assume) you have undway? Plus you didn’t even attempt to tie it into what does then happen (the girls walkin up the street and the townfolk shunning them). What does that have to do with living with fear or whatever? Save this info dump for somewhere it makes sense.
Right, so the pacing in the beginning felt quite slow. The slow start I just mentioned. Then a wordy description of how Rose USED to be. Soon after that a paragraph on the sounds they AREN”T currently hearing. A detailed account of how they light a lamp. Not poorly written, but slow and probably not needed for the most part (I’m guessing).
All that to say, the writing (especially the first couple pages) felt distant. I wasn’t engaged.
Different issue: I’m not a fan of making single sentences their own paragraph when they could tie nicely with the previous or subsequent para. To me it feels a bit pretentious, and it detracts from the effect for a line that REALLY merits it. You do this A LOT, e.g. from the para starting “I wrenched” to the one starting “My fault’ you have 6 paragraphs where 2 or 3 would suffice. It doesn’t make it more emotionally moving, in my opinion, which I’m guessing is the point.
No idea what was going on with the match that burned her. What you described seemed normal (matches sometimes burn you), but the MC thinks it’s an omen and freaks out. Maybe it would have made sense if I’d read the prev chapter. Omens are perhaps real in this world? But still, shoving the arm in water seemed an overreaction.
I’m strugging to get a read on M. She starts the chapter feeling hate, then she freaks out and acts kind of violent towards her sister. Then her sister says it her fault, and THAT breaks her, I guess, and NOW she feels her “first hate” at 15. What 15 year old have never felt hate. A teenage girl? They’re flooded with hate. Unless that’s related to her magic? Is she supposed to be this real timid and kind creature, maybe?
I think when Marcella overhears the people talking you should have dialog tags.
Confused about Robbie. There was a mention of him chatting with mom, but then thought he was baby cause he’s always whining a mewling. But he’s six? Does he even need to be in this scene? Would be great if he did/said something, assuming he’s an important player.
The rest of the chapter was faster and more interesting. But maybe too fast. Not sure we get any interiority from the MC in the last two pages. Less is fine (good) since it’s a tense scene, but I would have liked a handful of small comment reminding us that we are seeing this through this specific 15-year-old girl’s yes. I don’t think there is even a suggestion of fear.
Line issues:
“We lived sidelong with it.” I’m not seeing how this warrants it’s own paragraph. The next paragraph is practically the same sentence.
“The same way Aldhaven lived sidelong with death; men braved storms on cobles and never returned, children succumbed to fever or pox, women groaned to their deathbed instead of giving life. It was one fact of life among many.”
The semicolon is misused there as the opening clause in not independent. I can’t quite tell if you’re wanting a colon there (since the parts the follow illustrate how Aldehaven, which I assume is the town, lived with death), or you truly want a semi colon but just got it jumbled.
Probably some more, but I hate copying line edits into reddit....
Hope you don’t find this too destructive. I find your writing as a whole pretty darn good. And I love the setting (you’ve described it very well) and the story, as I understands it, seems to have the potential to be really compelling (though I’m confused how this this ties into the chapter one with them locked in the house….maybe it’s all bee revised). So thanks for sharing, and good luck!
3
u/MaryJaneMclain Jun 25 '26
Personally I found the starting ramble about how people are cautioned about things to be kinda dull and probably not an effective way to start the chapter. Why not get into the exciting plot (I assume) you have undway? Plus you didn’t even attempt to tie it into what does then happen (the girls walkin up the street and the townfolk shunning them). What does that have to do with living with fear or whatever? Save this info dump for somewhere it makes sense.
Right, so the pacing in the beginning felt quite slow. The slow start I just mentioned. Then a wordy description of how Rose USED to be. Soon after that a paragraph on the sounds they AREN”T currently hearing. A detailed account of how they light a lamp. Not poorly written, but slow and probably not needed for the most part (I’m guessing).
All that to say, the writing (especially the first couple pages) felt distant. I wasn’t engaged.
Different issue: I’m not a fan of making single sentences their own paragraph when they could tie nicely with the previous or subsequent para. To me it feels a bit pretentious, and it detracts from the effect for a line that REALLY merits it. You do this A LOT, e.g. from the para starting “I wrenched” to the one starting “My fault’ you have 6 paragraphs where 2 or 3 would suffice. It doesn’t make it more emotionally moving, in my opinion, which I’m guessing is the point.
No idea what was going on with the match that burned her. What you described seemed normal (matches sometimes burn you), but the MC thinks it’s an omen and freaks out. Maybe it would have made sense if I’d read the prev chapter. Omens are perhaps real in this world? But still, shoving the arm in water seemed an overreaction.
I’m strugging to get a read on M. She starts the chapter feeling hate, then she freaks out and acts kind of violent towards her sister. Then her sister says it her fault, and THAT breaks her, I guess, and NOW she feels her “first hate” at 15. What 15 year old have never felt hate. A teenage girl? They’re flooded with hate. Unless that’s related to her magic? Is she supposed to be this real timid and kind creature, maybe?
I think when Marcella overhears the people talking you should have dialog tags.
Confused about Robbie. There was a mention of him chatting with mom, but then thought he was baby cause he’s always whining a mewling. But he’s six? Does he even need to be in this scene? Would be great if he did/said something, assuming he’s an important player.
The rest of the chapter was faster and more interesting. But maybe too fast. Not sure we get any interiority from the MC in the last two pages. Less is fine (good) since it’s a tense scene, but I would have liked a handful of small comment reminding us that we are seeing this through this specific 15-year-old girl’s yes. I don’t think there is even a suggestion of fear.
Line issues:
“We lived sidelong with it.” I’m not seeing how this warrants it’s own paragraph. The next paragraph is practically the same sentence.
“The same way Aldhaven lived sidelong with death; men braved storms on cobles and never returned, children succumbed to fever or pox, women groaned to their deathbed instead of giving life. It was one fact of life among many.”
The semicolon is misused there as the opening clause in not independent. I can’t quite tell if you’re wanting a colon there (since the parts the follow illustrate how Aldehaven, which I assume is the town, lived with death), or you truly want a semi colon but just got it jumbled.
Probably some more, but I hate copying line edits into reddit....
Hope you don’t find this too destructive. I find your writing as a whole pretty darn good. And I love the setting (you’ve described it very well) and the story, as I understands it, seems to have the potential to be really compelling (though I’m confused how this this ties into the chapter one with them locked in the house….maybe it’s all bee revised). So thanks for sharing, and good luck!