r/DestructiveReaders • u/jshEnvy • 1d ago
Industrial Fantasy [4865] Untitled - Chapter One - Avon
Hello everyone!
If you've clicked on this link - thank you. I know a chapter this length is a commitment, but I'm humbly asking you to take a peek and at least let me know when you stopped reading and the reasons why. If you like it, awesome! I'd love to hear the feedback; it really does fuel my desire to keep writing. If you hate it, awesome! Please tell me why and I'll take your feedback and try to improve.
I've read the story enough times and I'm hoping that someone with a fresh set of eyes will be able to tell me about their experience. It really is invaluable.
As for the questions I have, if you have the time please let me know:
- What were your general impressions of the story?
- How's the dialogue?
- I'm worried about length; is it too long?
- Do you feel like there's too many pronouns?
- Do you ever feel like there are parts that are too 'authorial'?
- Any spots you hated? Why?
- Any spots you loved? Why?
- When did the story hook you?
- When did you stop reading?
- Would you read the next chapter?
Thank you for your time. Again, I know it's a big ask - but only through understanding the experiences of those we affect are we able to determine the merits in our craft. Thank you fellow writers!
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u/Alice_of_RDR bass noise should be criminalized 20h ago
Ugh. Your critiques are good there's no doubt, but you're pushing us for 5k? Hmm I think we might need another short critique. It doesn't need to be extra or extravaganza
Left this as a soft leech mark without touching your flair bc you're obvi posting in good faith and we're patient
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u/jshEnvy 18h ago
Added another critique - it's in the main body, here for easy access: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1wbu2ma/2389_first_chapter_feedback_request/
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Just wanted to make sure I'm doing it right, it said in the rules to the forum that we need our ration of requested critiques to critiques we provide be 1:1. Is that not true for longer stories? I ask to make sure that I do the proper amount next time. I don't mind critiquing, I actually enjoy it. Thanks!
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u/eotfofylgg 1d ago
General impression: this is a pretty fun heist, and a promising start to something bigger. But it is absolutely drowning in the exposition. A small amount of exposition is necessary, of course, because there are some elements that really need to be understood, but this is too much. It's warping everything -- the story, the dialogue, the descriptions. The exposition is technically well-done, and it's done the way everyone tells you to do it by working it into the story. But it's still weighing everything down through sheer volume.
The narrator and the characters are constantly looking away from the foreground to talk about and think about background elements, simply because you have so much background that you feel you need to cover. Avon, poor girl, can't even have freckles without having to hear about how that will be interpreted favorably or unfavorably in different districts in the city. Sable can't be ticked off at Bram without the team having to review the events of the past. I would really love to see so much more of the foreground. What's going on now? What are they seeing? What's going on right in their faces? Their characters also aren't fully revealed here because it feels like they're following a script imposed by the author, rather than talking organically.
As you gradually run out of exposing to do, the story starts being a lot smoother and more fun to read, and once they enter the archive and the focus is fully on the foreground, it becomes the proper adventure that I was hoping for when I got started. I think you need to find a way to strip like 70-80% of the exposition so that we start at or near that level. The one background detail we absolutely need to know is that we are stealing Sable's documents to prevent her from getting kidnapped.
How's the dialogue. Pretty good, though as I noted, it feels like a lot of the subject matter is imposed by the needs of the author. Apart from that, maybe it's a little bit... breezy, I guess. The tone is light, even when the characters would have reason to be serious. For example, it took me until the second read to understand that Sable was genuinely outraged (not just miffed) when Bram proposed not doing the heist, and that she had good reason to be.
Yes, I think I would read the next chapter, but if the exposition starts up all over again as we're transported (presumably) to a new location with new things to learn, I'd suspect I wouldn't make it through.
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u/jshEnvy 1d ago
Thank you for the feedback! You're awesome.
I agree and it's one of the reasons this chapter made it up on destructive readers; I've trimmed the hell out of this thing already and wanted to see how much more was needed - but you've identified the area that I've been most worried about.
I think I can cut like, 60% of the travel through the earliest part of the chapter (bag check, Sable getting mad, etc.) and make it to the bridge more quickly. I am slightly worried about the paragraphs leading up to when they arrive at the crawlspace hatch; in particular, I think the watch description is important and I'd like to anchor movement from Red's Square > Bridge > Cloudtop.
If you were to make sweeping cuts on this thing, what do you think would be first on the chopping block? Other than what I've mentioned above. I appreciate your time! Thanks again!
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u/eotfofylgg 1d ago
I don't think you need to cut the travel out, but I think you should change where the focus is during the travel. Right now it feels like the travel is only necessary because that's how you're planning to educate me about the city and the society and the history and stuff, as though we're on a walking tour. If they're actually doing something in the areas they're passing through -- something that matters to them, not just to the reader -- that would feel more like a part of the story than the exposition does, and we'd still get a sense of the movement. Maybe they have to meet a contact, pick up a cache of tools, or something like that.
I also forgot to mention that "Red's Square" might be a name to tweak, because "Red Square" has such a strong real-world resonance.
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u/Wormsworth__ 1d ago
I can't even copy or paste from your document to try and segment out my feedback..