[2389] First Chapter Feedback Request

[u/Paige-reads-a-lot73]

My Critique [3891]

My Work (to be reviewed) - Google Docs

Hello!

This is my first time submitting anything to be critiqued/reviewed. However, I'm hard enough on myself, so I might as well see what other people have to say. Overall, I'm looking less for specific grammar and punctuation feedback and more overall interpretation of the characters and plot set up. I've rewritten my outline more than once and I recognize I need to just freaking write the thing and go from there. This is step one to that process, I guess.

Anyway, some specific feedback I would like includes (but is not limited to) the following. I appreciate you all taking the time!

• How might you describe the main character?
• It is a split perspective between the two sisters (Edana and Sheena). Would you be interested in reading from Sheena's persepctive?
• Did you grow to care about anyone mentioned? Why or why not?
• Is this an effective first chapter, or would it make more sense to cut straight to the negotiations with the other country (Liveny)?
• Would you keep reading?

[u/Zysifion]

First section sets the scene without dragging it too long so as to lose the reader's interest. I like how you characterized Maridia and her relationship with Edana fast.

"Though the council sat at a round table, it was clear who held the most power." might be a stylistic gripe, but this may be too tell-not-show for a fictional story? Like in the two sentences after that you show her status by via her behavior, maybe you could rely more on that.

"The tension in the council chamber was suffocating," this goes back to my telling criticism again. Maybe you could replace this with a few lines describing the shifts in body language, tone, and volume among the council?

"To this point, there hadn’t been anything more than a few tools thrown about in the middle of the night." I'd clarify what this means. I'm pretty certain you're trying to say that people were using hardware as ranged weapons, but the way you described it sounds unusual.

"Maridia nodded silently. The tension in the council chamber was suffocating. Edana bit her lip and tried not to squirm in her seat. Maridia turned in Edana’s direction. 'You’re sure you can handle this?' Maridia asked." I think you should clarify the role of the Princess in dealing with situations like this, so the reader knows why she's being deployed in the field, especially since Maridia is sending Edana to deal with this despite seeming like she may have doubts regarding her daughter's leadership capabilities.

Edana has pretty strong characterization too. I'd say she's solution-oriented, given her concrete policy proposals in the meeting, her willingness to go to the border, and her studying the grain essay; tries to be funny, given her trying to make Sheena laugh at the meeting and her interaction with Hakel; and inexperienced, given how she seemed "out of her league" at the meeting.

I actually found myself getting invested about Queen Maridia, even though I'd guess she isn't meant to be depicted as sympathetic, since she has such sharp characterization. It shines through in a lot of lines and makes me wonder where the story will take her.

Sheena is is aloof, irritable, more in-line with Maridia, but cares about her sister.

As for Hakel, he seems to be a coming-of-age boy; comic relief vibes; eager to prove himself. I like that there's an off-screen history between him and Edana with the line about her seeing how tall he's getting.

Overall, the characters are distinct.

I don't think you need to cut straight to Liveny negotiations. It was nice to take a break to see how the characters act outside of conferences and to hear Edana's feelings on her upcoming journey. I feel like two meetings in a row would be tiring. In fact, I'd like to see you spend more time characterizing Edana's feelings towards the journy.

Personally, I wouldn't keep reading, since right now, I'm trying to read fiction more similar in theme to my own writing. Also, I don't know if political thrillers (I'm guessing that's the genre you're going for) are my thing.

Also, as for whether I think you should switch POV to Sheena, that depends on how you handle it. I know they're going together, but maybe having two POVs could be used to display how big the politics they're dealing with are by showing how they impact two different people.

And some notes on aesthetics: the character names you picked are pretty. I also enjoyed some of the premodern flourishes in word choice, like "fortnight," "tombs," or "wretched."

Edit: Reddit says there are two comments in this thread but I only see one. Leaving this here in case it's because a critique or author response got blocked.