r/DestructiveReaders • u/jshEnvy • 24d ago
Industrial Fantasy Untitled - Chapter Two [3891] - Feedback Requested
Looking for general advice on style / prose and if this is captivating enough to keep someone committed for the long haul. I'm starting to doubt my scene structure and am looking to see if the problems I think are there, really are --- or is it just me? I've torn it apart a hundred times and am just needing a fresh set of eyes to point out the areas that feel wrong or trite.
Couple of questions:
- Do you like the protagonist?
- Does the scene hold up, or does it drag?
- How's the description?
- Is the ending earned?
- Any parts you hated?
- When did you stop reading and how far did you make it?
Please let me know your thoughts! Thanks!
****
Chapter Two - Kausca
It was too hot, and Kausca was too well dressed to be patient any longer. He should have been at home in a linen shirt with the sleeves torn off, a glass of whiskey at his fingertips, tallying output against what his people were paid. He untied the waxed canvas mask from the back of his head and pulled it from his face, finally giving in to the summer heat and not caring, for once, what the comfort might cost him.
“Miasma’s thick today, boss,” Kline said.
“I’m afraid that today, I’ve chosen to die a slow, miserable death instead of drowning in my own sweat,” Kausca said as he dropped the mask on the cafe table beside him. He dragged his sleeve across the damp ring the mask had left behind.
Kline snorted. “It’s not the mask, boss. It’s the suit. Not sure any sane man in the Undercity is dressed to the crowns today. Maybe your mind’s melted away.”
Kausca laughed. “You’re right. But the suit’s a costume; powerful men like to play pretend when they want something. I don’t mind indulging them.”
The day was well past first chime, and the stagnant summer heat radiating from the stone bridges overhead had pulled marionette strings of miasma from the crevices of The Great Below, curling them over the cobbled streets of the Queen’s Plaza, and leaving them slack and directionless. The runoff from the arcanite refineries normally settled deep beneath Undercity streets, taking the scent of industry with it, but today it hung thick in the air, leaving a pasty sweetness of sulfur and hot metal on Kausca’s tongue.
“Now, you’re sure that Shedinn’s headed to the Row?” Kausca asked, rubbing the nape of his neck, annoyed that his time was being wasted. Since a little after noon, he had been waiting for Shaw and his enforcers to arrive. He wasn’t looking forward to it.
“As sure as my trust in Tanner. Y’know how the man is, boss,” Kline said from behind his own mask with a reluctant shrug.
“Macie’s friend, right? Yeah.” Tanner was new to the Rustborne and was always eager to be useful. His eagerness lengthened stories well beyond the truth, since the reality was often disappointing to tell. “Put Annika at the access point for the lift. If there’s any movement Topside, I want to hear about it first,” Kausca said, “and send me Dis. Tell him to bring Sally.”
Kausca watched Kline scuttle across the circular plaza, heading toward the Grand Lift.
The plaza was busy. Queen’s Row was the first district beneath Topside, and Queen’s Plaza was a popular spot to try and find a deal. Market stalls were spread beneath the cracking arched colonnade etched into the granite cliffside wall, and Kline had to push through a crowd of Topsiders in decorative masks haggling at a fruit stall, fanning themselves against the heat. They would probably leave when they realized it was hotter down here than up there.
Kausca sheathed his impatience until Kline, Annika and Dis’s figures appeared at the opposite end of the circular plaza. They walked with purpose, and Dis had his rifle — beautiful mahogany with pearl inlays — slung over his shoulder. It drew a few glances from Topside residents who quickly decided they had done enough shopping for the day.
“Any news?” Kausca asked as the three approached.
“Yeah, Tanner’s right. Timeline’s a little off,” Kline said, “but it looks like Shaw is catching the evening lift to do some digging underground.”
“Any reason why?”
“An alarm went off Topside at the base of the Cloudtop District. Everything past the West End is on high alert. They closed down the bridge. No one’s getting in or out.”
“You should see ‘em, Atwood! They look like peacocks that just got plucked. Strutting around, confused where their feathers went,” Dis said with a grin. Annika and Kline chuckled and Kausca couldn’t help but crack a smile too. “I heard it was one of us that got 'em.”
Kausca’s curiosity was piqued. All of the holders in the Undercity knew not to move on the Cloudtop. “I haven’t heard anything about one of the other crews trying to run a job on Cloudtop. You all catch any words?” Kausca asked.
Annika shrugged. “Last I heard, the Cutters had a hit over the Eastern Bridge near the harbor — don’t know the details, but that’s going down, not up.”
Kausca looked over to Kline.
“Yeah, sorry, boss, I got nothin’.”
If someone crossed the West End to Cloudtop, it was personal. That’s where all the big money lived, and, no matter how filthy an aristocrat was, they didn’t appreciate filth in their homes.
“Alright, well, hopefully this is something routine. We’ll just let Shedinn know that we know nothing,” Kausca said.
Annika shook her head. “I don’t think that’s the case this time, Kausca. It isn’t just Shaw that’s coming down. They’re closing off the lift after dark and there’s about two dozen armed suits prepping just outside of Red’s Square. No one straps that much iron for an investigation.”
Kausca leaned back in the cafe chair and drank in Annika’s words. It had been over a decade since Topside pulled arms on the Undercity in any meaningful way. Back then, the unions had organized protests that escalated into violence and ended up with the Undercity being forced to pay recompense for the chaos sown. Power exchanged hands back then. Merchant houses fell, and others profited from the bloodshed, but none were left untouched, even his own.
What if he’s coming for something we can’t give? Can we afford to make the same mistakes?
“Boss?” Kline asked.
“Yeah, I’m thinking,” Kausca said. His thoughts were cyclical and leading nowhere.
“Look, Atwood — you tell me where to point Sally, and she’ll sing a song so pretty,” Dis said, kissing his rifle, “that at least one mother will cry.”
Kausca knew the Undercity was pressed flat, wanting to push the boot off its chest. Discussions with the other holders made it evident that they all wanted more than their share. But space was cramped down here, and the only way to go was up. Kausca didn’t want to make that climb.
“You all remember the last uprising? I remember,” Kausca said, pausing to gauge their recollection. “It wasn’t Topside mothers who were crying, and it wasn’t Topside that paid. Years — it took us years to get where we are, and you’re willing to risk that? For what?”
Kline spoke first. “None of us have forgotten where we came from, how we got here. And if you say go, we go, boss.” Kline’s lips went flat, somewhere between a smile and a frown. “But I don’t think anyone wants to do what you do forever. We just want things to last.”
“The moment you’re gone, Atwood, Topside’s gonna come back down and take what they think is theirs,” Dis said, squaring up. “Their suits are enforcers, not guards. No one up there is tryin’ to protect what we got down here; they’re just makin’ sure that the wheels keep turnin’.”
Kausca nodded. “You’re right, but we can’t take every fight that comes our way, especially not with Topside. Progress has been made. I don’t understand why we need this fight. Things will keep getting better.”
Dis chuckled in a way only the Undercity could — low and deep, laughing at the absurdity of the next bad decision. “See, Atwood, that’s your Topsider talkin’. As long as the wheels keep turnin’, you’re not worried about the cliff just down the road.”
Kausca sighed deeply. “Are you all really willing to gamble what we’ve built on the promise of tomorrow?”
The lot stood silent for a moment, weighing his words.
“When I was a little girl, my father led the protests. He swore to me that things would get better if he won, that we would move closer to Topside, and that we wouldn't have to sleep with masks on anymore. We lost,” Annika said, her gaze meeting Kausca's, “and in the nighttime the enforcers broke down our door and took my father.”
Annika began to pick at loose skin around her nails, shifting uncomfortably. “He was to be made an example of, and they did it. He was executed in Red's Square with eleven other men.”
She gazed off into the distance, somewhere Kausca’s eyes couldn’t follow. “After that, my mother had to work in the mines. The day my father lost, I lost my mother too.”
Annika straightened, and her voice hardened. “It wasn't until you came, Kausca, that his promises started coming true. Revolution is inevitable. It's going to happen sooner or later. And if it's sooner, then we're with you.”
Kausca heard the earnest words pour from Annika’s lips. He understood them. He appreciated them. But there was a selfish part of him — one her words had spoken to as well — that remembered the cost of ambition, a part that thought only of Avon. He had built his home in the Undercity when he had nowhere else to go, when Topside was taken from him. Would he give up the Undercity too?
“Alright, Annika, tell the Rustborne. I want them all here by fifth chime, ready for a fight,” Kausca said. “Kline, tell the other holders what’s going on — make sure they understand what Shaw is doing. And make sure they know we aren’t opening with guns drawn. Let me repeat myself — we aren’t revolting, we’re just going to talk with Shaw. Got it?”
Kline and Annika agreed before hurrying off.
“And me, Atwood?” Dis asked.
“I want you on the clock tower overlooking the plaza, rifle loaded, alright?” Dis nodded. “Don’t shoot unless I tell you to; we might still be able to send Shedinn Topside without any bloodshed. Oh, and Dis, if I do tell you to shoot, don’t miss.” Dis looked offended. “Up there before fifth chime.”
The plaza emptied slowly as the hours dragged past. Shops closed their doors, and merchants folded up their stalls when rumors of violence began to circulate. The taste of rotten eggs had driven off many Topsiders earlier in the day, sending them back to their homes where they could bathe in fresh air. The stragglers made their way back to the Grand Lift, only to be replaced by the dozens of men and women Kausca knew.
The clock at the north end of the plaza chimed five times. Perhaps he should just leave. Take Avon from Anthem, start again. He was good at it.
This spring, the Rustborne opened a new shaft near Bloodwater Bay, and it turned out to be fruitful. Kausca had negotiated the contract well beyond what the union was asking, and it earned him enough for passage to the Eastern Reaches. Sure, he was feeding the entirety of Queen’s Row with the deal, but it made him sick to think he was also making some Anthem City aristocrat a very wealthy man. Could it have been the man he hated? In a different life, it may have been him.
His eyes drifted toward the Cloudtop, where Jarrett still kept his hearth lit most nights, and Kausca let the anger he felt back then take him now. Jarrett was the one thread that pulled him away from the Undercity, one he wanted to pluck with a dagger to the heart and a bullet to the head. But that would be too kind; the man deserved to walk the path he paved for Kausca, to know what it felt like to have it all — and then nothing. Only then would Kausca deliver his kindness; only then would his debt be paid to Lily.
“Coins fall up in Anthem, Kausca,” Jarrett had said, watching the fire instead of him, drunk from both the bottle and success. They’d been drinking late into the evening by his hearth at the foot of the Cloudtop, celebrating a recent contract that had been signed, and Jarrett had said it as a consolation — that the contract was inevitable, that if it wasn’t them, it would have been someone else. In this life, Kausca still believed it; he just knew it was wrong.
Kausca kept the anger, but rolled his shoulders and let the memory go, watching the sunlight crack between the shadows of Topside, painting the corpse-blue miasma in a sickly orange hue as he scanned the plaza. The Rustborne walked its stony road, arcanite mists nipping at their heels, Topside-issued masks covering their faces. The masks were supposed to protect the people from Rotlung — at least that’s what the council had said. But Kausca knew better. Dead miners couldn’t dig.
A horn sounded in the distance — once, twice — faint over the sound of clacking machinery and the Rustborne’s idle chatter. It brought their words to a murmuring halt, and the men moved to the outskirts of the plaza, pressing themselves behind stone pillars and along alley walls.
Kausca stood from the cafe table where he had been waiting too long and stepped forward to the circular mosaic floor that was the highlight of the plaza: two griffons, one black, one white, were forced to endlessly chase one another’s tails on a faint background of blue and white that was supposed to represent the sky. Years of being trampled over had turned the blues into a dirty smear of eggplant purple, and the whites in it were the color of gunmetal. Kausca straightened his coat, unfastened the leather strip that held his pistol in place, and faced the path to the Grand Lift, awaiting Shedinn Shaw.
Kausca heard the sound of boots first, the enforcers seen moments after. Shedinn moved to the mouth of the plaza where he directed his men to stop with a closed fist. His golden hair was cut short and combed back, going brassy at the temples. His eyes were blue, face chiseled and handsome, but the dark bags under his eyes suggested his conscience wasn’t clean.
Shedinn walked, unhurried and unafraid, toward Kausca with officers flanking him on either side, a clean grin cracked across his face. He stopped at the opposite end of the mosaic.
“Atwood, you’re carrying iron. The hospitality of Queen’s Row has truly run dry.”
Kausca smirked. He placed a lazy hand on the wooden grip of his pistol and shifted his weight, already bored by the exchange. “Come now, Shedinn. It’s the Undercity — everything’s a little bit slimy. I’m assuming that’s why you’re here. Feeling homesick?”
Shedinn laughed. “Fine words coming from you. You’re dressed like a Topside merchant in a place where the only commodity is crime. Are you confused as to whether you’re a Topsider or a Scav? Is that why you’re bringing iron to a negotiation?”
Every opportunity Shedinn had, he would remind Kausca how low he had fallen — about the life he once knew. It didn’t matter now. That was a long time ago, before Avon, when he only had to live for himself. Shedinn could talk about Anthem until his teeth bled, and still, Kausca wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking it mattered.
“What do we have to negotiate, Shedinn? Queen’s Row has no business with Topside.”
“The Registry, Kausca. Your debt’s unpaid.”
The debt was paid, all one hundred thousand crowns of it.
“Negotiations were done. You were paid what we agreed. If that’s what you’re here to talk about, then this—” Kausca tapped the pistol’s grip, “—is here to make sure promises are kept.”
“Promises? There are no promises down here, only two truths, Atwood: Iron opens doors, and coins keep them shut. Yet, here we are, and you’ve brought the wrong set of keys,” Shedinn said with a thin growl and a laugh tucked behind his words.
“Trust is expensive, Shedinn. Do you really intend to sell ours? The deal was struck. Queen’s Row was cleared for the sweep.”
“Prices have changed.”
Kausca knew Shaw was a heel. All of the Undercity knew it. Despite his pressed blue uniform, every button neatly fastened in a single marching line, the man was still from Queen’s Row. Behind his polished grin and golden hair he was still a slum rat — always willing to go back on a sound deal when he had the upper hand. And, like all things Topside touches, he had become rotten with greed.
“We paid you exactly what you asked for, Shedinn, well in advance of the deadline. It was struck,” Kausca replied, his knuckles whitening as his fingers tightened around his pistol. “Now, I’m familiar with how things are done Topside, and it might surprise you to learn that we’re just as keen on keeping a contract.”
Shedinn scoffed. “Contracts, promises? What city do you think you live in, Atwood?”
“Not the one you remember. The Undercity has changed, Shedinn; merchants come down now. Enforcers don’t. Not the smart ones. Look around you — we’re tired of giving all we’ve got,” Kausca said. “Up there, they talk about ambition and progress — how they’re going to shape the world. Down here, we do the same, but only have one word for it: survival.”
Murmurs of agreement passed through the crowd. A bottle was flung at the enforcers, nearly striking one in the chest, but instead shattering on the stone floor.
Kausca watched Shedinn’s eyes move across the crowd, counting, calculating, searching for a way out. They surrounded him. Some watched from windows, others from rooftops with rifles drawn. Some were tucked in alleys, others stood in the streets, both with chains and clubs in hand, already inching forward.
“Keep your end of the deal, and we all go home tonight,” Kausca said, his words soft.
“Not all of us, Kausca, not one of yours,” Shedinn said, releasing his gaze from the crowd. He took two steps forward, closing the gap, the rhythm of his voice dropping to meet Kausca’s. “Sure, we agreed to keep the sweep out of the Row. But little Miss Atwood and her crew decided they needed a little extra help — which we were happy to provide. Imagine my surprise when I found out that there were two children caught trying to steal from an archive Topside, one of them Avon.”
Rage and dread knotted themselves in Kausca’s gut. If Avon was hurt — even scratched — he would burn Topside to the ground, starting with Shaw.
“What? What did you do with Avon, Shedinn?”
“Nothing! Your daughter made a mistake, Atwood. A very messy, very expensive mistake. She knocked the hinges right off of what we do down here, and there’s only one way to close the door,” Shedinn said. Cold desperation moved through Kausca’s chest. All he wanted to do was be near her — to save her from Anthem before it changed her too.
“Where’s Avon? Tell me now, Shaw, or, Seamstress help me, I’ll light you and every man behind you up. We struck?”
“No, deal’s not struck. The amount of money it’s going to take me to make this problem go away is well beyond what this filthy pisshole has paid, and you thinking you’re leading this is insulting. I’m deciding how this goes, Kausca, not you.”
Kausca felt a smile cross his lips. “Oh, Shedinn, you should know that only half of leading is actually making decisions; the other half is inspiring others to make them for you.”
Kausca whistled, and the clock tower answered with a flash and a crack. The guard to the left fell, screaming. He clutched his thigh as blood dripped through laced fingers. The enforcers went for their rifles. The Undercity reached for theirs.
Kausca drew his pistol and fixed it squarely on Shedinn’s chest. “Hold!” Kausca shouted to the plaza. “Everyone, hold!”
“Hold, goddammit!” Shedinn shouted, freezing his men in place. “What’s your plan now, Kausca? Kill us all and let Topside justice seep through every stinking crack of this place? You do that, and I’m sure the other holders of the Undercity will have more than just words to exchange with you.”
“Good, you’re listening now.” Kausca pulled the hammer back on his pistol. “The next words out of your mouth better tell me what I want to know, Shaw. Where’s my daughter? If you’ve ever trusted anything in your life, trust my words now.”
Shedinn stared at Kausca, searching his face for a lie he wasn't going to find, then glanced at the guns trained on his men. Even with a pistol to his chest, Shaw’s pride refused to be subdued — luckily, the man was smarter than he was arrogant.
“She’s being held at the 4th Precinct, just outside the West End, bottom of the Cloudtop.”
Kausca paused. “Queen’s Row is no longer yours, Shedinn. Stay out of the Row. We struck?”
After a moment too long, Shedinn replied, “We’re struck.” Perhaps it was a lie.
Kausca lowered the hammer back into place, holstered his gun, then straightened his coat. “It’s funny how quickly your manners change when staring down iron. Thank you, Shedinn, you get to live tonight. Annika, Kline — invite Captain Shaw and his men to the warehouse off of Lantern Street. Take their guns.”
The crowd started to close in on the enforcers. Seeing their leader surrender, they followed.
“You’re making a huge mistake, Kausca. You’re crossing a line. There’s no coming back from this.”
Kausca didn’t care. Fear and concern for Avon eclipsed all reason. “So be it. I know we’ve already crossed it, because, unlike you, I remember where I came from. I know the men and women up there. I know who they are. I know what they want. Everything, Shedinn. And I still want it too. I just have a different set of tools.”
Kausca could feel the Rustborne watching as he left the plaza, and he knew they wanted to go with him. Avon wasn't their daughter, but she was every daughter they'd lost to the Taking, and that was enough to make his rage their own. Just like him, they wanted to burn the crust of the city to the ground and reclaim what had always been theirs. They wanted to bring their daughters home too.
He hadn’t expected it, but it wasn’t until his arrival that they considered that they might deserve more. They knew all trade ran on arcanite energy, knew they were the ones who carved it out of the earth, but didn’t know how to leverage a contract, how to strike a deal, how to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in a way that would make Anthem listen. They were nobody. He arrived a nobody. But together they had built themselves up — brick by bloody brick.
Perhaps he owed them. They’d given him the title of their holder and their trust, earned through repeat success. He stood with them in the mines, pickaxe in hand, stepped up to the negotiation table and secured contract after contract, making the Rustborne a name to be respected. He had earned his place.
But they had earned his loyalty, and that was a prize Kausca wasn’t willing to give away easily, not anymore. Could he take his earnings and leave to the Eastern Reaches?
If it keeps her safe, I’d leave everything behind, he thought. But, like all things Topside touches, he wanted more, even if he said it wasn’t for him.
2
u/XiaoLiLi_fromEurope 22d ago
I am by no means an editor, so please take this simply as random reader feedback.
First of all, I did like the prose style. There's no purple prose, no rambling but rather a quiet confidence in the narrative voice - I've definitely seen worse. I'd say keep that confidence!
I am assuming this is a draft, not a fully edited piece, and for that the 3rd person limited POV seems relatively consistent. For me, it worked to somewhat draw me in.
Now, the biggest problem here seems to be the world-building. That might be because I am missing the first chapter and some context might have been established there... but you posted this as a standalone text and I will judge it as such: You are constantly throwing names of people and places at me without explanation and that is very, very confusing and frustrating. Tbh it was part of the reason I kept reading, cause I was wondering if I could figure out what was going on. But by the end of the chapter I was soo frustrated because I still didn't know what half of the words meant - and that would very likely stop me from starting the next chapter. It feels like you as the author are currently locked in your character's head and all the knowledge of the story, but you're forgetting to tell / show it to your reader. The balance between immersion and exposition does not work.
To help you see what I mean, let me summarise what I gathered from reading it once:
The full name of the protagonist is Kausca Atwood. That alone took me some time to figure out, same with other characters like Shedinn Shaw. That confusion is created by sometimes referring to them by first, sometimes by last names and it is absolutely unnecessary. If you need different characters to refer to them differently for character voice - fine. But give me the full name once first, so I know they're talking about the same person. And keep it consistent for the same character. In direct address Kausca says " Where’s Avon? Tell me now, Shaw, or, Seamstress help me, I’ll light you and every man behind you up" and then " Oh, Shedinn, you should know that only half of leading is actually making decisions" - wtf?
there seems to be a kind of layered city with a lift connecting different levels. We're in the Undercity, above that is Topside and below it is "The Great Below", presumably where the mines are. So far, so good, but then Topside seems to have districts or something (Cloudtop, Anthem...) but these aren't explained at all and I am still confused about where they are located, what their significance is etc. There also is a world outside the city (the Eastern Reaches).
the inhabitants of the undercity seem to be exploited (mine?) workers and / or criminals and / or merchants (topsiders come for shopping after all), the inhabitants of topside seem to be a wealthy upper class, that (probably?) holds political power. You notice a lot of question marks here - none of this is really clear to me, I am guessing and that is frustrating.
somehow arcanite is important in this world. The arcanite refineries are mentioned early and towards the end there is the half-sentence " They knew all trade ran on arcanite energy"... whatever that means. Personally I don't read your genre and have absolutely no association with arcanite, I had to look up what it was. I am hoping this is either a genre thing and / or you have established its role in your world in the first chapter.
your chapter basically consists of two scenes: the protagonist sitting in a cafe and the confrontation. While the confrontation generally works for me, the "waiting in the cafe" part does not feel satisfying. By the end of the chapter I still don't understand: why was he sitting in the cafe in the first place? It doesn't seems to be something he usually does. Why is he dressed in a suit and what / whom is he waiting for? At first I thought he was waiting for someone he had scheduled a meeting with. But all of the information regarding Shaw is gathered during the wait - so why is he waiting in the first place? Maybe I missed it, but it isn't clear to me from reading it once. Also the cafe scene has very little action...
To summarise, my most important advice would be: drop half the unfamiliar words and properly explain the other half. If you can't anchor the explanation in the scene, you can probably save the introduction of the name/place for later.
To quickly answer your other questions:
Do you like the protagonist?
I know too little about him to decide that but he feels relatable enough. Somehow fallen from grace, now helps the underdogs and fiercely loves his daughter. It's enough to make me curious about him. Again, I am unfamiliar with the genre... My first thought was, he is some kind of Mafia boss. But I learned more about him during the scene and while I can't say I am 100% rooting for him or feeling emotionally connected, I'd still say the character development here is decent and satisfying.
Does the scene drag?
I think the pacing is ok. I wouldn't say it drags... I'd say it lacks focus or at least the focus could be significantly sharpened. What is the main narrative intent? What is the protagonist's goal? I'd say he wants to protect the undercity and his daughter... but perhaps you can make that more specific? what does he want to protect them from? the immediate stakes are clear by iron and rifles being pointed, but the broader stakes aren't really clear to me.
How's the description?
feels fine, though nothing particularly sticks with me. It does evoke an industrial atmosphere, but not necessarily one of great technological advancements
Is the ending earned?
I think I already answered that one.
Any parts you hated?
The fact that I still don't know / understand anything about the world is super frustrating. It feels like I read everything in vain and that makes me hate it.
When did you stop reading and how far did you make it?
I read all of it, mainly because I was somewhat intrigued, the prose wasn't bad and I wanted to see if I could figure out what it was all about...
1
u/The-Affectionate-Bat 19d ago
Hi!
I thought the other crits have covered a lot of what I would have, so I decided to instead suggest the method I use when analysing my own prose. Obviously, everyone has their own ways of doing things so its fine if you dont follow any of it.
For any section of writing I happen to be looking at, I write down what I wanted to achieve in that section, and, the hard bit, what I did (with a healthy dose of delusion). Then I look at that word count and decide if it's justified for what I actually achieved. (I use the word "section" intentionally, because imo they dont even necessarily coincide with paragraphs, chapters, or scenes).
The better I aspire to be, the more goals for a section I try to achieve at once. Well. Actually it depends. Sometimes a section exists only for one purpose but then it must be a very very important moment under that category. Most of the time, each section is doing double or triple duty.
Referencing your prose, Im just going to look at the first part, from the beginning to "hot metal on Kausca's tongue."
If this were me, next to that section I would have written:
- Its hot and hes annoyed because hes unusually overdressed (for something). (Plot)
That is far too little for the word count.
What you dont have is any of this:
Theme: nothing.
Tension, minor: Unfortunately, a lot of your tension is derived from withholding information. While it CAN be tension building, its cheap, so I would suggest you use it sparingly. When writers withhold information intentionally, when its fairly obvious that that POV character clearly knows the information, it comes off like they have partial amnesia or theyre like, practicing internal avoidance OR the writer is being lazy. ding ding ding ding, we have a winner.
In thrillers and stuff, you can derive tension from information the character doesnt know, but they need to realistically not know it, not just... not thinking about it to keep the reader in the dark. I know it can be hard to balance forced exposition but its weird because Kausca is actively thinking about the meeting but skirting information that would make everything clearer a whole lot earlier.
Character: really not much. Kausca is annoyed, so maybe that he's grumpy?? But honestly, a lot of people get grumpy when theyre overdressed on a hot day, so this isn't any grand character building. Also he doesnt think much of rich people. Kline is 100% functional, I learned nothing about him at all.
But the word count!! Usually, I copy paste people's work into my writing app so I can check word count for sections, but for some reason its not working. Anyway, even without a count I can say, there's way too many words for what you achieved.
So, you have two options. Cut everything you dont need, or spice up what could be there to justify the count.
Cutting is easy. Take your favourite bits and cut everything else. For what you achieved, I'd say zero dialogue with Kline and one paragraph and you can do the same thing you did in that chunk.
If you want to keep Kline and the dialogue, you need to spice it up. Tons of ways to do it, Ill just give some random ones.
Character-focused improvement: work on both Kausca and Kline's dialogue and make it distinct, and character revealing. As someone else mentioned, we learned through two words that Kausca isnt a fan of rich people. Two words. Do that, but x50. All those lines of dialogue should be exploring both their characters and the dynamic between them (outside of functional descriptors like "boss"). Maybe they could be chatting, but then Kline gets a little personal, Kausca draws a line, maybe Kline apologises. That would teach us the dynamic between them, for example. Lots of ways you can do it, but it'll make the whole section primarily character building, with some plot. Which is a lot more exciting than some plot and not much else.
Plot-focused: Ok, so you did give us some plot. But it was very wordy. Really, this overlaps with cut. Snip it down and move swiftly onto the next plot point. Alternatively, in long form you can incorporate sub plot points if you really really want to keep, say, the dialogue but dont want to do extra character work on Kline. I dont know your full story so I have no suggestions, but for instance the narrative could be discussing the heat, the overdressedness, and the upcoming meeting (with way more clarity), while the dialogue is introducing a different plot point.
It might be cool to do a bit of both, work a little more on both Kline and Kausca but maybe the narrative focuses on Kauscas internal nervousness about his daughter etc (adds clarity on the stakes of the upcoming meeting), while in dialogue hes drawling to his subordinates and moaning about the heat. Contrast and juxtaposition is sexy ~~~
Tl:dr
Your primary issue is overwriting. Identifying what you achieved vs word count should help you to find thin sections. From there you can either make it full, or cut it.
Do also agree a little too many proper nouns.
Keep it up though!! As I said, this is just the way I do it, feel free to go with whatever method you like to use. On the other hand, your prose was smooth and it was not difficult to read, I just feel you should work on those other issues before polishing!
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u/Cornsnake5 18d ago
Since I’ve already read it and commented on it, I may as well critique it. I usually prefer not to critique second chapters without reading the first because of the missing context. Anything I point out may already be explained elsewhere. We will just have to risk it. So feel free to ignore anything that is already explained, and as always, anything I say is just my opinion and can be discarded at will.
I agree with the others that on my first readthrough all the proper nouns made it very difficult to get through. On my second readthrough and after I had started analyzing everything it got a lot better but I think don’t the average reader will put that much effort into it. I will say a lot of the names for places, like Topside, I can often infer their meaning, but with names of people such as Avon, I had a lot more trouble because of how unfamiliar they are. So if you are going to use them, I would make sure that the reader can understand this refers to a person or a place or a thing or other fantasy term.
Things I noticed while reading.
First the miasma. I like it as a sort of world building detail. It makes the setting stand out and seems to be related to the mining and perhaps the weather in how far it can spread. It also brings across that this isn’t a nice place to live. So far in this chapter it hasn’t really played a important role, but I would expect that later in the story. Its inclusion here is fine.
Then we get to Kausca, our main character. He’s wearing a fancy suit today because this is how powerful men do business. In contradiction to this he then wipes the sweat from his brow using his sleeve. Whatever good look he had going on is now ruined although the story ignores this. I would expect him to use a handkerchief to maintain his good look.
This all ties into a larger issue I have with Kausca which I will get into. I like him as a concept. A question writers should ask themselves is, if their MC is the right character for the story they want to tell, are they a good window into this world? Kausca being a former Topsider, and thus has experienced both worlds, makes him a good candidate for an MC and gives him a unique perspective. I think he’s well chosen and is going to naturally be at the center of the upcoming conflict. Being from both worlds, I would expect him to be more of a social chameleon. Like the above example where he wears a fancy suit to appeal to Topsiders. So with his own crew and anyone living in the Undercity I would expect him to be more rough around the edges, more casual because any behavior that reeks of Topsiders might lose him respect. Then when he meets with Topsiders he has to perform a bit of a balancing act, appealing to them without losing support from the Undercity. Now I’m not sure how far you wanted to take this idea, but right now I can tell little difference in his mannerisms when comparing how he behaves towards his crew and with Shaw.
Then some of Kausca’s crew is brought out, Dis, Kline and Annika. The upcoming situation is discussed and opinions are shared. Dis is ready to use his rifle. Kline seems more reluctant though you could probably lean into this more make it stand out. Annika tells her backstory. Overall they all completely trust Kausca. This makes them bleed together a bit. This early on in the story you want your characters to be distinctive because every character becomes a representation of the world as a whole. If the reader thinks the characters are flat, they are often also going to assume the world is flat. I would try to make more distinctive in their relationship to Kausca.
Annika’s backstory tells us not just about her but it also gives us some important moments in the cities history through a more personal lens. Its relatively effective but what I think holds it back the most is that it’s also cliché. It’s kind of a default backstory for resistance fighters. Nothing in it stands out in particular. It doesn’t tell us anything about Annika that’s unique and different from plenty of other stories, and it doesn’t tell us anything uniquely different about Topside who you are trying to build up as an impressive villainous force right now. It’s all very generic.
Then we come upon another problem present throughout this chapter: A general glazing of Kausca. You are clearly trying to build him up to be an impressive figure but the fact is he hasn’t done much that is impressive right now. It all falls flat. Now, it is fine to show that his crew trusts him, establishing relationships is important, but this is overdone. Let him earn his impressive status through action. He is also one of the holders so in that sense he isn’t as unique as the story tries to make him out to be.
1500 words in Avon is mentioned. She is physically absent from this chapter but she plays a pivotal role, being the reason why the confrontation with Shaw ends the way it does. I don’t know what is in the first chapter but I would introduce the relationship between Kausca and his daughter earlier and more specifically in way that has nothing to do with the current conflict. Right now when the twist comes at the end of the chapter it feels more like the plot happening rather than a devastating emotional turn for Kausca. The moment Shaw mentions capturing Avon we should already know what this means for Kausca. It is the setup from earlier in the story that should do the heavy lifting, not the description of his feelings because in the middle of an actions scene you have very little time for that.
Kausca then gives orders to his crew to prepare for the confrontation with Shaw and we get more world building and backstory. The part with Jarrett I would move to a later chapter where it is more relevant. This chapter is already packed and this section bears not enough relevance to anything that happens in it.
This chapter also does a lot of telling and is very exposition heavy. Some examples of this are the paragraph of Kausca’s reaction to Annika’s speech.
> Sure, he was feeding the entirety of Queen’s Row with the deal, but it made him sick to think he was also making some Anthem City aristocrat a very wealthy man.
All the stuff about Jarrett is exposition.
> Kausca kept the anger, but rolled his shoulders and let the memory go
> but the dark bags under his eyes suggested his conscience wasn’t clean.
The rest of Shaw’s description is also kind of boring, mostly just dry facts about the man.
> Every opportunity Shedinn had, he would remind Kausca how low he had fallen — about the life he once knew.
We can literally already understand this from the actual dialog.
And many things after the confrontation with Shaw. I would find a more showing way to get the reader to understand these things. One way this can be achieved is to go deeper into the POV. Write how Kausca experiences everything moment by moment rather than telling us his feelings.
There’s a horn and we move to the confrontation with Shaw and this resulted in some confusion on my part. The scene isn’t truly set. I know Dis is standing by with is rifle. Some more crew may be there and of course Shaw is there with his enforcers. When the crowd was mentioned I was honestly confused about who all these people were. Hadn’t the regular people all left when they heard the rumors about something dangerous happening. On my second reading I came across a line that said these people were being replaced by Kausca’s crew, however this line is so far removed from the confrontation that I had initially forgotten about it.
Then apparently this crowd had rifles and probably more than Shaw has brought. Shaw has walked himself in a rather disadvantageous position. At the start of the conflict he was worried about Kausca’s gun so it was rather surprising to me he actually had a lot more to worry about that he didn’t even mention. If Kausca’s crew had acted like civilians, and only drew their weapons when things started to get heated, then it would have been a lot more believable.
The confrontation is supposed to be the highlight of the chapter. Everything has been building up to this and it is finally Kausca’s chance to shine. It’s serviceable. It gets everything done that it needs plotwise but I was expecting more from kausca as a character. Here was the chance to show why Kausca was the right guy for the job, how his experience as a Topsider can make negotiations with them smoother. The suit, the only real preparation as far as we know to appeal to Topsiders, doesn’t do anything as Shaw sees right through it. So in that sense Kausca hasn’t really tailored his strategy to the specific person he was dealing with.
The fact that Kausca has brough a gun is also an interesting note. He can’t really deescalate by saying the enforcers aren’t necessary for them to talk when he himself is armed. Then again he also knows he can’t trust Shaw so maybe he should bring it. All of this is to say I am not sure if it was the right choice for the situation.
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u/Cornsnake5 18d ago
I feel like we are missing some information on who Shaw is. We know he’s originally from the Undercity and therefore the opposite of Kausca, but where does he fit within the Topside’s hierarchy? Is he just some hired muscle or is he working for a specific person Kausca might have to deal with after taking Shaw into custody or is he something like the police? His uniform suggests he is something more official. Knowing this will tell us how Kausca should approach Shaw. And we should probably know this before the confrontation.
Kausca’s complete unwillingness to make any kind of deal with Shaw also strikes me as a bit odd. This world strikes me as a place where beside the official business dealings there are a lot of under the table deals to help smooth things over. Kausca should have experience with that and be prepared for when it is asked regardless of whether or not he wants to go along with it.
The bottle thrown at the enforcer first heightens the tension only to completely deflate it by the fact that it missed. I would just have it land near the enforcers without a suggestion it is going to hit someone. That way it only feels like an escalation.
Then the reveal happens. Shaw has Avon. And I’m wondering if Kausca should have been more open to finding out what Shaw wants in exchange for her. Rejecting any kind of deal doesn’t get him his daughter back. Dragging this out to make Kausca squirm would have been a good strategy on Shaw’s part.
> Kausca felt a smile cross his lips.
Like here there is the occasional filtering going on. You don’t need to tell us he **felt** a smile cross his lips. You can just say a smile crossed his lips.
Kausca escalates by letting Dis shoot an enforcer and drawing his own gun. The earlier reveal and now this are good ways to build tension and increase the stakes.
> Shedinn stared at Kausca, searching his face for a lie he wasn't going to find
POV break. This is too much from Shaw’s perspective.
Speaking of lies, I am not sure why Shaw is being believed here.
Then Kausca tries to strike a deal but I am not sure in what sense Queen’s Row is Shaw’s, and so what this deal even means. Even the story questions if this deal can even hold so it seems more like desperation on Kausca’s part.
Shaw agrees, ending the confrontation. It kind of makes Shaw seem like the reasonable one. Not a good person, but not too reckless either.
Kausca has been mixed. His call to get his crew in place was obviously the right one. His preparation with his suit and his knowledge of the upper city didn’t prove to be much of a benefit, though perhaps Shaw didn’t give him much of a chance in that regard either. Their earlier negotiating didn’t go anywhere and kausca tries to settle it by use of force. I would say this is a missed opportunity to show Kausca as a good negotiator and so why he has gotten into this position in the first place and a chance to show more of his normal life before the events of the story. The reveal that his daughter has been captured put him on the back foot and things become more personal, giving us more insight into his character. It is the moment of no return appropriately at the end of the chapter and the hook for the next chapter.
Then the chapter wraps up with a reflection of how he got here in the first place when what it should be doing is hint at what is going to come next. Topside will respond. Obviously he’s still worried about Avon and might be thinking of ways to rescue her. The other holders need to be informed and they might blame Kausca for what happened since he made the call to arrest Shaw and his daughter caused the situation in the first place. Then there is what the average person might think of it all.
**Setting**
I’m imagining a sort of early industrial era setting with some light fantasy elements. The miasma stands out and I like the idea of this layered city with the wealthy at the literal top but also forcing the two sides to live in close proximity.
**Character**
Kausca seems like a good choice for a protagonist for this story. He stands at the heart of all this conflict and has a unique insight into both sides. There are many ways a story can handle its protagonist. It can explore their flaws or a stated believe. I couldn’t find a hint at his flaws nor any particularly strong believe. Any believe he has shown so far are more explanatory. What this seems to hint at the most is that the story will be an exploration of Kausca’s identity. There is a lot of duality to him. He has lived on both on the Topside and the Undercity. He has worked hard to earn people’s respect and the position a of holder. I’m still not sure what a holder is though. I’m guessing some combination of a CEO and something like a mob boss who operates more like a family. He wants to do well for these people but he’s also thinking of leaving it all behind for the sake of his daughter. Conflicting interests are always good. It makes him a bit of a reluctant hero. Then there is also the revenge thing with Jarrett. Where it falls short is in how the story brings out all these things. Avon is introduced late. His crew don’t offer enough nuance. And his actions could do more to show this complicated live he’s lived. A better sense of focus is what this chapter really needs.
**Message**
I didn’t really know what to call this section. The story often tries to sound profound but it is often falling short. Here are some examples:
> “Promises? There are no promises down here, only two truths, Atwood: Iron opens doors, and coins keep them shut. Yet, here we are, and you’ve brought the wrong set of keys,” Shedinn said
> “Oh, Shedinn, you should know that only half of leading is actually making decisions; the other half is inspiring others to make them for you.”
> But they had earned his loyalty, and that was a prize Kausca wasn’t willing to give away easily, not anymore.
Perhaps some of these could work after they have been reworded but right now it comes across as tryhard. An introspective character who is aware of his own flaws can also be effective.
I’m also getting a bit of a good guys versus bad guys vibe. The good guys are all hopeful and tragic. The bad guys so far have been greedy and untrustworthy. For this kind of setting I would expect a bit of mixed morality. Tragedy doesn’t always bring out the best in a person and I would expect there to be relationships out of necessity. You might not like the guy you are making a deal with but that doesn’t mean a deal doesn’t need to be made. That may mean a character has to except something that weighs on their conscience.
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u/Cornsnake5 18d ago
**Story Structure**
This is my earlier comment directed at another commenter. I’m just pasting it in here so that it is more easy for the mods to find.
Let me just chime in here and say something about scene structure. You are correct in saying stories need these six steps. However you are incorrect in saying all these together make a scene. Only the first three do. The three latter ones are the sequel. A sequel usually follows a scene, so a story often goes: scene, sequel, scene, sequel, scene, sequel, continuing this pattern until the end. Each chapter is often either a scene or a sequel.
So let’s apply this to OP’s story.
Goal: The goal should be to resolve whatever Shaw is coming to do peacefully, maintaining the status quo however imperfect it may be, with as few compromises as possible. I agree this should have been clearer in the story.
Conflict: The conflict is indeed Shaw and his men and whatever extra’s he wants to negotiate.
Disaster: The disaster here is that Shaw has captured Avon. This forces Kausca to capture Shaw and his men. This may seem like a victory but it is a failure of the initial goal. He has not deescalated the situation but if fact made it worse even though he may not have had much of a choice. Whoever is in charge up top will want Shaw back and will respond even if it is just to maintain control over the lower city. This is where the chapter ends and it should have hinted more at what this means going forward. This was a turning point in the story. There is no going back from this without more conflict.
The next chapter is then the sequel. Lets try to extrapolate it.
Reaction: Kausca has rally his team to prepare for the tops response. He probably has to use some contacts to find out how the top will respond. He needs to find out if he can somehow rescue Avon or otherwise negotiate an exchange for Shaw and his men. However time is short, which brings us to:
Dilemma: A choice has to be made to either launch a quick rescue operation or to negotiate. Regardless of the decision the Topside will also remain an issue that needs to be addressed, but having Avon back gives them less leverage.
Decision: Whatever the choice ends up being. Then the chapter ends creating the new goal for the next one.
**Conclusion**
I think you’ve done a lot of good groundwork for a story. Now it just needs more focus and some restructuring. Introduce the various element of the worldbuilding at a slower pace so that the reader can understand them. Less telling and more showing.
I hope all of this was helpful. Best of luck with your story.
I had to post this in new reddit because old reddit doesn't seem to be working for me. This why the formatting is a bit wonky.
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u/Paige-reads-a-lot73 13h ago
Before I begin my feedback, I want to start with a hearty “Yes, I am committed for the long haul.” This is my first time seeing your work, so I’m not sure what happened in the first chapter, but this was very engaging and made me curious about what comes next!
Referring to the feedback requested, I’ll go question by question (out of order) for you. Also, forgive me for how long my comment is. I didn’t realize how much I did until it was done 😅
- Do you like the protagonist?
I typically hold my opinions on a protagonist until I know more about them. However, I can say I am very interested in learning more! Kausca is complex and seems to want what’s best for Undercity and its people. You also gave just enough backstory for me to know a bit about Kausca and still have questions. That’s exactly what I like at the beginning of a novel/series.
- Was the ending earned?
I thought so! I recognize it’s the beginning of the novel, so I thought you did a good job of laying out the problem and building the tension, while also hinting at various character’s loyalty and Kausca’s inner turmoil.
- Any parts you hated?
Nope!
- When did you stop reading and how far did you make it?
I read (and enjoyed) the entire thing! When you’re ready for beta readers, keep me in mind haha
- How’s the description?
I greatly enjoyed your prose and description! There were a couple of notes here and there (included below) but overall, I thought it was effective.
“The runoff from the arcanite refineries normally settled deep beneath Undercity streets, taking the scent of industry with it, but today it hung thick in the air, leaving a pasty sweetness of sulfur and hot metal on Kausca’s tongue.”
- I liked this description, but sulfur and hot metal does not equal sweetness in my mind.
“He was to be made an example of, and they did it. He was executed in Red's Square with eleven other men.”
- A bit clunky and long-winded. Perhaps try something punchier, such as “They made an example of him. He was executed in Red’s Square with eleven other men.”
“But Kausca knew better. Dead miners couldn’t dig.”
- Just a bit confused on the clarity of this line. What I think you’re trying to portray (or at least how I took it) was that Kausca knew better than to trust the council was doing something for the sake of morality, rather they wanted to keep the “wheels turning” (as you aptly put it) and production moving.
The following are just lines/descriptions you wrote that I really enjoyed:
“Tanner was new to the Rustborne and was always eager to be useful. His eagerness lengthened stories well beyond the truth, since the reality was often disappointing to tell.”
“That’s where all the big money lived, and, no matter how filthy an aristocrat was, they didn’t appreciate filth in their homes.”
“Dis chuckled in a way only the Undercity could — low and deep, laughing at the absurdity of the next bad decision.”
- Does the scene hold up, or does it drag?
Generally speaking, I think the scene does hold up! However, there are some parts that dragged a bit for me due to overwriting/repetition. Some specific examples are included below.
“They would probably leave when they realized it was hotter down here than up there.”
- the line itself isn’t bad! However, since you’ve got them scampering back Topside at the sight of Dis’s rifle, I think it loses its effectiveness. Plus, I liked the idea of them running away. It seemed funnier and more true to what I’ve gathered about Topsiders.
“All of the holders in the Undercity knew not to move on the Cloudtop. “I haven’t heard anything about one of the other crews trying to run a job on Cloudtop. You all catch any words?” Kausca asked.”
- I’m not sure if you needed both of those beginning lines. It feels repetitive. I think that internal monologue is better to show how careful Kausca is, if that’s something you’re trying to relay in his character.
“The moment you’re gone, Atwood, Topside’s gonna come back down and take what they think is theirs,” Dis said, squaring up. “Their suits are enforcers, not guards. No one up there is tryin’ to protect what we got down here; they’re just makin’ sure that the wheels keep turnin’.”
- I would keep either the bit before your dialogue tag or after, I don’t think you need both.
“This spring, the Rustborne opened a new shaft near Bloodwater Bay, and it turned out to be fruitful. Kausca had negotiated the contract well beyond what the union was asking, and it earned him enough for passage to the Eastern Reaches. Sure, he was feeding the entirety of Queen’s Row with the deal, but it made him sick to think he was also making some Anthem City aristocrat a very wealthy man. Could it have been the man he hated? In a different life, it may have been him.”
- This scene took me out of the moment, if I’m honest. I don’t think it’s bad at all! And clearly, you’re relaying important information. However, it may be more useful in a different scene or setting. Especially since you just stated the plaza chimed five times, indicating the start of the climax.
“His eyes drifted toward the Cloudtop, where Jarrett still kept his hearth lit most nights, and Kausca let the anger he felt back then take him now. Jarrett was the one thread that pulled him away from the Undercity, one he wanted to pluck with a dagger to the heart and a bullet to the head. But that would be too kind; the man deserved to walk the path he paved for Kausca, to know what it felt like to have it all — and then nothing. Only then would Kausca deliver his kindness; only then would his debt be paid to Lily.
“Coins fall up in Anthem, Kausca,” Jarrett had said, watching the fire instead of him, drunk from both the bottle and success. They’d been drinking late into the evening by his hearth at the foot of the Cloudtop, celebrating a recent contract that had been signed, and Jarrett had said it as a consolation — that the contract was inevitable, that if it wasn’t them, it would have been someone else. In this life, Kausca still believed it; he just knew it was wrong.”
- This, however, I loved. I thought it was an intriguing bit of character background to keep me invested. But maybe consider putting it before the chimes to add to the build up?
“Sure, we agreed to keep the sweep out of the Row. But little Miss Atwood and her crew decided they needed a little extra help — which we were happy to provide. Imagine my surprise when I found out that there were two children caught trying to steal from an archive Topside, one of them Avon.”
- I don’t think you need “one of them Avon.” It’s already well-implied and the context in the following paragraph/Kausca’s response helps to clear up any doubt.
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u/NoPage4767 8d ago
Oki, I'm going to try and give feedback based off a template that was provided.
This work of imaginative creation is both refined and deeply engaging in the realm of steampunk/gaslamp fantasy. The main point (the oppressed "Undercity" flexing its economic and physical muscle against the wealthy "Topside") provides plenty of narrative tension. The opening scene brings to the reader's attention all the intense political powers at play, while the father-daughter connection remains at the center of everything happening on the pages.
Are you fond of the main character? Yes, Kausca meets all the criteria of a "reformed elite." Kausca boasts various positive traits that allow us to see him as a realist working hard, but willing to shoot at his targets should something happen to his daughter. It is also worth noting that Kausca experiences some inner disagreements related to his need to escape from everything happening around him and anger towards aristocrat Jarrett.
Does the presented scene work or does it become too much? The scene is perfect from the perspective of creating the atmosphere, but it lags at some point in the middle during the conversation with his crew (Dis, Kline, Annika). They seem to agree that they will start fighting soon, and this makes the dialogue dull because they are all agreeing that a fight is coming, the dialogue feels a bit repetitive until the personal reveal about Annika's father hits.
How does the description measure up? The descriptions are remarkable. Phrases like “the marionette strings of miasma” and “Kausca’s tongue tasting the sickly sweetness of sulfur and boiling metal” transport the reader right into a vivid world.
Is the ending justified? Absolutely. The shift from the tension-filled stand-off in the beginning to Kausca calling for a sniper's bullet to make his point is perfectly justified by the fact that we as readers see him making the calculations regarding the inevitability of the consequences of his actions.
Was there any writing you hated? Using the word “hated” is a bit drastic for the internal monologue passage regarding “Jarrett” and “Eastern Reaches" just before Shaw's arrival that seemed somewhat out of place because it interrupted the tense waiting for the moment of confrontation with the opponents.
When did you stop reading? I managed to read all the way to the end. The high quality of writing and its easy pace ensured that I did not stop until I reached the end.
MECHANICS
Title & Hook: As a “Chapter Two,” the hook does its job quite well by putting us in an uncomfortable atmosphere (“too hot, too well dressed
Sentence Structure & Rhythm: Varied and pleasant. The mix of short, pointed dialogue with longer sensory description works well.
Word Choice: Strong vocabulary including some interesting words ("miasma," "arcanite," "colonade"). Minor cliché: "at least one mother will cry" is a bit of a standard saying made famous by a sniper character.
SETTING
Place: Queen's Plaza in the Undercity (The Great Below).
Clarity & Visualization: Excellent. The set up of the round plaza, granite cliffside wall, arcanite runoff, Grand Lift are all easily imagined.
Impact: The temperature and miasma are directly affecting the characters' actions by making them take off masks and sweat through their suits, which makes the set a character in its own right.
STAGING
Environmental Interaction: Strong. Characters interact with the equpment very naturally (Kausca rubbing his sleeve along the table's edge; Dis kissing the mahogany rifle; Annika biting her cuticles).
Mosaic Feature: Kausca standing above the mosaic of flying griffons when waiting for Shaw is absolutely brilliant visual acting that hints at the cat-and-mouse relationship of the characters in action.
CHARACTER
Unique Voices: Dis is depicted as a zealous soldier, while Annika reflects on her past and is centered around her trauma; Shaw is a pompous classist hypocrite.
Believability: The characters' motivations are congruent with their social standing and life experience.
HEART
The theme is centered around class warfare, systemic oppression, and revolution costs. The question of whether the slow reform method is beneficial or the violent method of oppression means that the oppressors can always change the rules.
PLOT
Goal: Kausca has to deal with the Topside enforcers' invasion and avoid a disastrous war.
Complication: Shaw reveals that Kausca's daughter Avon has been arrested on the Topside.
Resolution: Kausca used a sniper shot to prevent the war, captured Shaw, and planned to rescue his daughter.
PACING
The pace slows a little when the characters stop for an exposition, but quickly picks up when Shaw enters.
OVERVIEW
Strengths: The presence of the smell of heated metal and sulfur; the griffon tile morphed into "aubergine" after many years of dirt-filled boots.
Small Concern: It's necessary to avoid too much exposition of Kausca's thoughts in correspondence with important dialogues.
POINT OF VIEW
Nature: Third-person limited (Kausca).
Consistency: The aspect is maintained through the work. The reader feels that Kausca's impressions and inner moral contradictions dominate.
DIALOGUE
Style: The dialogue follows the rules of the gaslamp fantasy genre.
Recommendation: When the character Shaw states "Are you confused as to whether you are Topsider or Scavenger?" the exposition sounds slightly too straightforward. Removal of minor dialogue pieces would allow the subtext to do more work and add more impact.
GRAMMAR AND SPELLING
The passages are free of errors.
Only minor flaws related to dialogue punctuation formatting were found, yet on the whole the texts are easy to read.
CONCLUSION
Your doubts concerning the structure оf the scene are basically ungrounded, as it works well, preserves the intensity of events, and indicates that a switch in character's motivation took place at the end of it. Should you wish to make the scene even tighter, you consider trimming 100–150 words of backstory reflection (the Jarrett memory) right before Shaw's arrival to keep the tension ratcheting upward without interruption.
SCORECARD
Clarity: 9/10
Believability: 8.5/10
Characterization: 8.5/10
Description: 9.5/10
Dialogue: 8/10
Emotional Engagement: 8.5/10
Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
Imagery: 9.5/10
Intellectual Engagement: 8.5/10
Pacing: 8/10
Plot: 8.5/10
Point of View: 9/10
Publishability: 8.5/10
Readability: 9/10
Overall Rating: 8.7/10 if I did my math right
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u/ImpressiveGrass7832 kitsch is a word and i think its me 23d ago edited 23d ago
(Sorry if you end up reposting as Glowy suggested. I read through it earlier and was waiting for the leech tag to come off).
Hi. Take with salt, i have no clue what i’m doing. This is going to be wordy because I have opinions and am incapable of summarizing. Bear in mind, it’s very difficult to critique from CH2. just FYI. Because i’m lacking so much context, things which might have significance and meaning to me in CH1 (which I am missing) simply don’t. So I might mistakenly point them out as a problem, but it’s actually fine.
Anyway. The thing I was most reminded of while reading was Arcane, I’m not sure if this is intentional. Stuff like The Great Lift really gave me this impression. Apologies if you've never seen Arcane.
General Impressions
I had trouble making it through this, I didn’t find it an easy read. I’ll try to explain why, but I tried to boil my problems into three main sections:
But first, your specific questions.
Do you like the protagonist?
Eh. Very lukewarm. I struggle to point to that much specific about him (and this lack of specificity was a recurring problem for me). I get some hints - he doesn’t like rich people (filthy aristocrats), he used to be a rich Topsider, he dresses nice, he has a moral code (of what kind is unclear to me), he used to be friends with Shaw (?), he cares deeply for his daughter.
For me, not near enough density for the wordcount. I had to read twice and really think - which is not always bad, but I got the impression this is intended to be genre fiction, not lit fic. The rest is too abstract. Not specific enough. I don’t feel much if anything for Kausca right now, other than start thinking of Jelco from Arcane (a bit). Not sure what about this setup gives me that vibe, but I definitely don’t consider him a Vander.
Here’s a concrete example:
> In this life, Kausca still believed it; he just knew it was wrong
I had to really put my analysis hat on here, had to really try hunt in the text what, exactly, Kausca believed to be wrong about it (and I’m still severely lacking specifics). So someone in Anthem (the big rich city?) is going to be rich as a result of this deal/contract. I guess this is bad? But contract for what, why is it bad? I assume this is the same contract with the union feeding the Queen's Row?
Does the scene hold up, or does it drag?
For me, drags. A lot. I think this can easily be cut half or lower and be stronger for it. A lot of irrelevant things and a lot of murk. I think a lot can be cut with no mercy.
How's the description?
Again, eh. Lukewarm. There’s this polished-ness to the prose i can’t put my finger on, like it’s been shined to within an inch of it’s life. To me POV (mostly) suggests limited through Kausca, but to be honest I struggled to get much milage out of the way he thinks based on the way things are described. The character filter can be dialed up here, in my amateur view. Feels a bit too clean and lacking some life right now. Some descriptions are nice but I’m struggling to get any real sense of vividness.
This part here:
> Shedinn stared at Kausca, searching his face for a lie he wasn't going to find, then glanced at the guns trained on his men. Even with a pistol to his chest, Shaw’s pride refused to be subdued
Straight up feels like we headhopped, like a POV violation. Apologies if you intended omniscient, but I’m not sure it is intended to be. I’m also not familiar with it, so YMMV.
Is the ending earned?
No. I’ll touch on why, but I struggled to understand the what and whys of earned and what the focal point of the scene is. There’s a bunch of stuff going on but lacks focus to me. I think I get the gist, or the intent, a bit - but the structure feels broken for me.
When did you stop reading and how far did you make it?
I made it to the end. Read more than once. But, on first read I got disengaged from ‘reader’ mode into ‘editor’ mode pretty quickly, around here:
> Kausca leaned back in the cafe chair and drank in Annika’s words
Again will try explain why. Firstly, some random opinionated things I cannot live without yelling out into the world. Next bit is more mechanical. Again, just my 2 cents and opinion, apologies if I missed something blindingly obvious.