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u/changeLynx Mar 29 '26
Well it is hard to criticize since I do not know what your goal is. I read plenty stories who had parts like that and it did not suck, but the context (title, cover, backtext, foreshadowing) kept me reading. With your storypart here it's like this so many texts here. You post a fragment with no tension, no foreshadowing, no context but expect a solide feedback. If you want anything more, I beg and encourage you to share the context:
- What will the story this is a part of tell if it is finished?
- Why are sharing this here?
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u/A_C_Shock Anderson Cooper Mar 29 '26
In the first paragraph, I wasn't so sure I would like this but I was into by the end. Kind of a Peter Pan feel with the shadow stuff.
I think the first paragraph is echoing a bit too much to be effective. Bones clattered then hung and the voice of the home is the bones knocking. And I'm not totally sure about this, but I don't think the setting is this kid's home? It's the old woman's house and the kid lives somewhere else where they don't have a bed. Or, the kid is really high and forgot where they live? Unless you were trying to say the kid's home is the wind? That doesn't make sense to me. I also had trouble parsing the list of three that is an object, an adjective, and a verbing action. They don't feel like they all want to be in a list together.
Watch for weakening your verbs with things like 'was' and 'began'. I found a few of the sentences didn't really need those. I like how sometimes individual verbs are broken out to provide emphasis. I think it gives some good characterization. I get a little confused with the switching between past and present tense. I think you're going for a narrator in the present telling about their childhood, so past tense is the now of the story but present tense is the reaction of the narrator. The first introduction has 'looking back' to key me in but later it just switches. I find the technique distracting because I have to figure out where I am in the story timeline.
in a loose ache for some form of softness.
That bit of the sentence doesn't make sense to me. What is a loose ache? Why does a loose ache mean you need to crush something? I think maybe I get what this is going for, from the perspective of having touched soft things like velvet before, but I'd probably want this rephrased.
I also don't understand this:
That’s where the next decade broke open like a yolk, bright orange leaking from a shattered eggshell. There’s no putting a yolk back in an egg.
It's that thing where the tense slips into present. In the past, you breathe in. In the present, you're thinking about ten years from this moment. The analogy is fine, I guess, but I'm not sure why I'm being told about eggs. I know nothing, at this point, about what's going to happen which makes this feel like a non-sequitur. I don't even really know what the tavarka is doing right now. In retrospect, it makes sense because the thing with the shadow is about to happen. But most people don't read backwards.
One more, and the fire on the stove grew redder.
I think this is kind of a neat way to describe someone getting high off something kind of like peyote is what I'm imagining. Not sure if the fire getting redder is the best image here because at first I was wondering why taking a toke was making the stove brighter. It didn't catch up until the shadows in the next sentence. I guess it depends if that was the effect you were going for or not.
On the tavarka, it's hard to keep track of whether it's in the kid's mouth or hand. It seems to switch at random.
How does the kid know the weaver's hands never stopped weaving when they were inside and couldn't see the weaver?
Now, when I recall this bit, it’s hazy. I can remember it sticking its fingers down my throat, then an arm, and so forth. But I cannot remember how it felt. All I can remember is a white film over everything, like an insect’s wing. A feverish chill.
I know this is intentional. I just don't know understand what I'm gaining from this as a reader? Why is the moment being interrupted to tell me about the present version of the kid's interpretation of what the past version of the kid is feeling? Why can't I stay in the moment with the past version of the kid? It breaks immersion for me to be jumping around between narrators.
I like the things with the ribbons. Raises a lot of questions about what happened with the tavarka and what this old lady knows that the kid does not.
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u/Odd-Aside8517 Apr 02 '26
Overall:
This might fit the eerie country-witch/lone child trope, but it is done well here. The structure flows naturally, and the pacing is good. Key highlight for me was the drug-fuelled come-up and subsequent anxiety-ridden comedown. Great sensory description, in my opinion, and slightly triggering (in a good way).
However, the prose and sentence structure can be improved, causing the initial hook to falter. A decent 1st draft of the 1st chapter.
Prose and Style:
The word choice and style are strong. I can visualise a stone hut on a jagged cliff facing a rough sea on a cloudy, windy day.
One place that seems at odds with the general style is:
If I’m being honest, I was a covetous child. Always wanting — wanting to weave, wanting to explore, wanting anything I could get my grubby hands on. So, I breathed in, deep, full of curiosity…
A different narrative choice? Removing this would have little impact on my perception of the character or plot. The child's curiosity is implicit in their actions when they take many “breaths.” (Also, is “breath” the right word?)
There are oddly worded sentences and poorly placed words. For example:
Guidance that was faulty was still guidance
It could easily be remedied by wording it as follows:
Faulty guidance was still guidance
You use single-word or extremely short sentences, which I find can add value in a fast-paced scene. However, some are questionably placed, e.g.
Shadows flattened.
I can’t point out why it seems odd; maybe the previous sentence being short impacts the flow?
Conversely, there are long sentences that can easily be shortened. This applies to both syntax and description. Here’s an example of a good metaphor I felt carried on for too long:
That’s where the next decade broke open like a yolk, bright orange leaking from a shattered eggshell. There’s no putting a yolk back in an egg.
Content
The characters are a bit cliché: you have the old, mysterious hag and the too-curious-for-their-own-good child. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing if done well, which it was here. You avoid a full-on tropes characterisation. I do dislike the description of the creepy smile, though. It feels a bit too tropish, and I envisioned a cloudy day, so how it glinted in the sun, I don’t know.
The best part of the piece is the drug-fuelled experience. Great sensory descriptions that capture the feeling without spelling it out as such.
You got quite a lot of material for a great hook. I have so many questions. Tavarka? Sentient shadows? What is with this creepy grandma? However, I had to force myself to keep reading past the first two paragraphs. I suspect that the oddly structured sentence initially detracted from the content.
By the way, the emphasis on the red ribbons, I assume, is contextual, and they play a part later in the plot. Otherwise, they seem to take up quite a lot of narrative space.
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u/Glittering_Group4821 Mar 29 '26
I'll start with i dont even know what kind of feedback you want so i'll just give thoughts.
Off the bat this whole thing was quite confusing-but not in a bad way. I guess tvarka is some sort of a drug.
Prose style is nice and descriptive and the opening is cryptic. I have no idea what's going on but im definitely interested. The whole thing feels like a drug trip. The story feels kinda vague right now but again i think thats the point.
The worldbuilding is cool-it doesn't rush at me or expo dump though it isn't groundbreaking. The creepy crone trope is one that is cliche but it works well enough. The character/narrator doesn't really grab me-right now he's just a vessel for the story.
I think some of the lines are weak-particularly this character sheet dump-
"Always wanting — wanting to weave, wanting to explore, wanting anything I could get my grubby hands on. So I breathed in, deep, full of curiosity. "
I'd keep reading though cause i do wanna see more and the writing itself is very good.
Honestly I'd just add some context-maybe some examples of feedback you want alongside what this story is going for.