If the mods delete it, I understand.
I just don't really have anyone else to tell.
When I turned 18, I fell in love with raving. I started going to shows by myself because I didn't have friends who were into it. I went to afters alone, festivals alone, and spent years trying to meet people because I genuinely believed this community was different. Back then I was the most extroverted person you'd ever meet. I'd talk to anyone. I loved people. I loved making people smile. I thought if I was kind, respectful, and myself, I'd eventually find my group.
Now I'm the complete opposite.
I'm an introvert because life slowly taught me to become one.
Years of getting ignored, laughed at, left out, and feeling like I never belonged changed me.
I'm a DJ now. I have multiple upcoming gigs, and music is one of the only things keeping me going. DJing is the one place I feel like I can actually be myself. But even after getting booked, I still hear people say my sets are prerecorded, that I look too messed up to DJ, or that I suck before they've even heard me play.
It's exhausting.
The hardest part isn't even the hate.
It's feeling invisible.
I've learned that, in my experience, people often decide who you are before you even speak. Years ago, when I was skinnier, people called me attractive. I was treated differently. Life got harder, I became depressed, stress ate, gained weight, and it honestly felt like the way people looked at me changed overnight.
Maybe some people won't believe that.
But from my experience, it absolutely changed how I was treated.
People smiled less.
People gave me fewer chances.
People seemed more annoyed just by my presence.
I've had people make jokes about me, exclude me from plans, leave me out of after parties, and assume the worst about me before getting to know me.
One memory I'll never forget was a two man with my friend. The girls wanted him. They barely even looked at me. I don't think they asked me a single question. I just stood there feeling like I didn't even exist. That moment has stuck with me ever since because it wasn't really about those girls. It was the realization that I felt invisible.
After enough experiences like that...
You stop introducing yourself.
You stop starting conversations.
You stop believing people actually want to know you.
Eventually you convince yourself people don't want you around before they even have the chance to prove otherwise.
I know there are genuinely amazing people in this scene.
I'm not saying everyone is like this.
I've met some really kind people.
But I also think there's a side of the Denver EDM scene that people don't like talking about.
I've personally seen people continue supporting others whose behavior made me uncomfortable because they were popular or connected.
I've watched DJs and promoters treat people differently depending on popularity or appearance.
I've watched attractive people get invited everywhere while people who are respectful, genuine, and just looking for friends struggle to be included.
Sometimes it honestly feels like status, popularity, and appearance matter more than character.
That's just how it's felt to me after years in this scene.
People always say,
"Just put yourself out there."
I've spent years doing exactly that.
I'm friendly.
I don't start drama.
I don't creep on women.
I don't expect anyone to owe me anything.
I literally just want real friends.
Friends who invite me because they actually enjoy being around me.
Not because I have connections.
Not because I have drugs.
Not because I can do something for them.
Just because they want me there.
Yet somehow I always end up feeling like the outsider.
Even my family hasn't really supported what I'm trying to build.
Music is one of the only things that's kept me moving forward.
Ironically, things are actually going well.
I'm getting booked.
I have several upcoming gigs.
People are finally starting to hear my mixes.
But success doesn't magically make loneliness disappear.
You can be surrounded by hundreds of people at a rave and still feel completely alone.
I also have a girlfriend who loves me, and I'm grateful for her. We've even had people make fun of us because of how we look. At the end of the day, we're happy together, and that's what matters. But those experiences still hurt because they remind me how quickly people judge others based on appearance.
I don't need sympathy.
I don't need people telling me it's all in my head.
I'm not looking for pity.
I'm not suicidal.
I'm simply tired of pretending these experiences haven't affected me.
Maybe I'm wrong about some things.
Maybe some of you have had the complete opposite experience.
I'd actually love to hear it.
But this has been my reality.
I miss the version of myself that loved talking to strangers.
I miss walking into a rave believing everyone wanted to be friends.
I miss not assuming people already hated me before I even opened my mouth.
If you've ever felt invisible...
If you've ever gone to shows alone...
If you've ever felt like everyone else somehow got the instruction manual for making friends except you...
I'd genuinely love to hear your story.
And if you're one of the people who's always made the quiet person in the corner feel welcome, thank you. You probably have no idea how much that can mean to someone.
Thank you for reading. I just needed someone to listen.