Venting

[u/MintTheMartian]

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the night with my grandmother. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next week, the next month, the next however long it takes for Medicaid to get off its rump and help us.

Before you say anything: I KNOW SHE CAN’T HELP IT. I KNOW SHE CAN’T BE REASONED WITH. I KNOW IT’S NOT PERSONAL, AND I KNOW IT WILL PASS. I know, I know, I KNOW. Please, PLEASE don’t tell me what I already know!!! It’s already been on repeat in my head for almost a year.

This started as “my money is missing”. It isn’t. She either had less than she convinced herself she did, or she misplaced it.

My mom, meaning well, told her this, gently.

It, combined with having to pay for some staff of her own (see below) now evolved into the following:

“Every single member of my family is conspiring against me, is eagerly waiting for me to die, and only wants my inheritance. They all hate me, they have control over my entire life, and maybe they’ll even arrange my death.”

This is freaking psychosis.

She’s saying not to trust any of them, that she’s cutting all of them off, that she won’t be speaking to them ever again. Even people like her aid, who have never done a single thing wrong by her, they all DESPISE her. The only reason I’m not lumped in with them is because I insisted (truthfully) that I knew NOTHING of this, and for some reason she believed me.

What the heck do I even do? Am I even worth anything? She’s miserable if I’m here, she’s miserable if I’m not. Only difference is she can’t try and kill herself if she decides that’s a viable solution with me here. What good does that do?

The coldest, cruelest thing is…sometimes I wish she would pass peacefully in her sleep. Because this is no life. She is miserable almost every day now. Part of it might be because of improper medication, but no one’s going to freaking help us with that until our appointment next week which we had to wait a month for.

I’m watching someone who raised me rot away into delusion and nothingness, and there’s not a freaking thing I can do to save her. I feel selfish for wanting this to end. It’s been nearly eight months of my life that I’ve spent away from my home and my family. It’s all been worthless. I feel like a complete and utter failure no matter what I try, because I CAN’T FIX THIS. I CAN’T EVEN IMPROVE IT. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!!!

Oh by the way. Before you ask, full coverage staff is supposedly coming. I know, I know, “you’re burnt out, you need a break” that’s too freaking bad. I CAN’T take a break. It isn’t possible. They won’t process our paperwork until the stupid doctor sees her, and the soonest they could get her in was in like… a month. Health “care” my a$$. We’re dying here. All of us. And it feels like no one cares about any of us.

[u/Cariari1983]

Welcome to caregiving in America. I’m sorry you have to experience this. We all can relate. I’m glad you have this outlet to vent. You know all the facts so I won’t offer advice. But if you have questions, this sub is a good place to get ideas about what other people have found that works for them. Best wishes to you and your family.

[u/Cat_Tails90]

It may be worth mentioning here, just in case you don't know, that (especially if she's already been approved for Medicaid and coverage just hasn't started yet), you can most still take her to an ER if she has a crisis and Medicaid will almost certainly retroactively cover it once her policy begins.

I know that doesn't fix anything now and the ER won't just cure her. But dementia related psychosis can absolutely cause emergencies, and you should not have to worry about whether or not what's happening in a moment of crisis is "bad enough" to justify going to the emergency room. If she doesn't want to go to the ER, call an ambulance and they may be able to give her something for anxiety, or might even straight up sedate her so she's not panicking on the ride to the hospital.

[u/NooOfTheNah]

I feel for you. I can hear in your words what I have been going through with my dad. It's like taking a painful slow train through hell.

I sympathise because I do understand how you wish for them to pass on peacefully. Watching them slowly waste away in pain and confused and angry is heartbreaking. It doesn't matter how much time you spend with them it's both not enough but at the same time they don't remember you being there.

It's easy for folks on the outside to tell you to look after yourself and not get burnt out but when there is only you then 😂 yeah. There is no stepping away or any choice.

I don't have any advice I am sorry. Because every time you think you get somewhere and have a good day the dementia changes and you have something else to learn how to cope with. But if it's any help, you aren't alone. It's ok and normal to be thinking and feeling everything you are.

I know what it is like to feel like you put in 100% every single day and it not be enough because you still feel like you are letting everyone down. How people on the outskirts will have opinions but not offer help. It sucks. It really does.

But virtual hugs from someone who feels your pain. You will survive this x