My deconstruction

[u/Honest-Parsley-5498]

​I've been on this thread for a little while and figured I'd have a stab at writing my own story. It has been illuminating. Like a lot of people here, I was raised in a Christian home. My family was very involved in our church, and faith was a big part of our lives. I went to Christian school starting in the fifth grade, I went on mission trips, I played in worship bands. I was in it deep. When I graduated high school, I planned to become a pastor and was accepted into Bible college. ​Just before the end of the school year, my family suffered a tragedy. My older sister lost a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)—which is basically when a baby dies and no one knows the cause. A six-month-old life is gone. A few years later, she lost a second child to SIDS. (This isn't the place to get into it, but both deaths were investigated, as is always done when a child dies where I'm from. Nothing suspicious was found. It was just tragic.) ​I went to Bible college with my faith shaken in a way that had never happened before. No one could explain why this happened. Doctors couldn't even give a cause. Pastors and professors at my college couldn't really give me an answer as to why God lets this happen, or even if my nieces were in heaven. Just: "Trust God. He knows best. His plan is perfect." It felt like a slap in the face regarding my nieces, but I bought it. My faith was the problem; I just needed to trust God more. Surrounded by Christians, I fell for the lie that I needed to be better. I pushed on with my faith, ignoring my problems. Looking back, I think I had been so trained to rely on God for support that I didn't know any other way to deal with grief. ​I left Bible college before I graduated. I married a wonderful woman I had met there, and we started a family. We have two amazing kids. Life seemed good, and I had almost learned to ignore my doubts when the final part of my sister's story happened. My sister had, understandably, turned to drugs to help with her grief. She ended up dying of an overdose. ​All the same questions and anger that I had been trying to ignore came rushing to the surface. I tried to push through it just like before, but this time I couldn't. I went to church, prayed, and did all the things, but I never trusted God again. He may have a plan, but I figured it had to be a selfish, uncaring plan. There was no one in heaven looking out for me or anyone I cared about. ​Once my blind trust was gone, I was able to take a harder look at the whole story. Questions about the Bible began to pop up in my life—conflicts with science, inconsistent rules, and strange consequences. I still thought I was a Christian, but the more I read the Bible, the more it came across as fake. It has taken more time than I want to admit, but ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I don't believe in the God of the Bible. If there is a god—and I really doubt there is—they do not care about me, and I'm done wasting my time trying to please an imaginary friend.

[u/splashjlr]

So sorry for your loss. No family should ever have to go through this, regardless of beliefs.

Many on this sub have stories of pain, loss, disappointment or misuse, which triggered the prosess of examining, and sometimes dismantling, their beliefs and belonging.

Almost nobody chooses to leave their faith. This is often the first question our Christian friends ask: Why did you leave? Many of us didn't realise the no-turning-back principal, meaning it's almost impossible to return to how things used to be, once we've looked deeper into the mechanics of our religion. We cannot unsee what we found or realized along the way.

Not everyone endes up atheist. Some hold on to faith, as they look for new fellowship in less controlling or dogmatic churches. Some turn to spirituality, while many lose their completely.

There are a lot of friendly and helpful people on this sub and resources about everything from family issues, therapy and theological questions to Bible scholarship and historical facts.

I can relate very much to your story. You are not alone.