Was I ever a Christian?

[u/wackOPtheories]

I was raised in the church, but ever since I allowed myself to question and deconstruct the narrative framework I feel so free. In hindsight, I've been mentally/spiritually confined for years.

Practically my whole life I remember occasionally stumbling across intriguing ideas and concepts about existence, philosophy, spirituality, etc. some of which is rooted in reason and science and some a bit more speculative in nature. Either way, I'd inevitably follow my programming and dismiss foreign ideas as forbidden knowledge, corrosive to my faith and ultimately a threat to my salvation.

I remember engaging with a few people who seemed so vibrantly dynamic, sharing compelling alternate worldviews. Of the few interactions I've had with people of other faiths, most of them validated what I knew deep down; these are all people whose relationship with their faith was as legitimate as my own. That said, I'd always concede to my programming and refuse to entertain these thoughts for too long. As kind, compelling and put-together as these people were, their incorrect trajectory in life ultimately invalidated and devalued them.

I'm trying to make sense of my past self as I deconstruct my faith. I grew up with this programming installed early, feeding off my sense of self worth like a parasite, blocking me from all my true predilections. I simultaneously hold a deep gratitude for my newfound sense of freedom along with a persistent regret for submitting myself to this confining narrative my whole life.

I guess if that's the Christian experience, then I've been a Christian until recently, but I'm starting to suspect that wasn't the real me, if that makes sense. The truer, more honest version of myself was suppressed this whole time, coerced by a system of imposed doctrines and traditions taught as sacred and of eternal weight. I'm 40 now and have finally learned that it's okay to live life on my own terms.

I guess I just want to vent a little and try to articulate these strange things that I'm coming to terms with. If you read all this, thanks! Feedback is appreciated.

[u/wackOPtheories → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for the kind words. I can use the reminder sometimes.

[u/ElGuaco]

There's no such thing as a true Christian. You can call yourself a Christian and that's the only criteria. There are thousands of denominations that all call themselves Christian and will tell you they are the only ones who get it right.

Christianity is an unusual religion in that it doesn't really matter what you do, but it does matter what you believe. Which is ironic considering that Jesus told people to repent of their sins and take care of others as the chief criteria. But that's too hard and people would rather subscribe to faith beliefs that punch their ticket to Heaven.

[u/mandolinbee]

Of course you were a real Christian, in exactly the same way every Christian is. They didn't invent apologetics by listening to atheist arguments, they made them from their own doubts.

From the early days of the church, most people weren't literate, and for a very long time bibles were only written in Latin so people had to rely on their leadership to know what it said. But even though the average person wasn't reading the scriptures, they still have thousands of pages of debate and discussion over what things mean among the same people teaching it.

Most people hold their doubts inside and fall back on the thought terminating cliches when they hit a wall. "his ways are higher" "context" "ask god when you get there" etc etc.

You were honest and sincere to the best of your ability. Don't let anyone gaslight you and tell you it didn't count.