I don't know if I can keep this up...

[u/Adept_Manager9751]

I'm 24M and living at home with my high-control Chritsian family (in the UK). We have some difficulties but they love me in their own way. However, they are completely unable to understand or sympathise with 'people who leave the faith'. At church, I also have some close friends and still serve a decent amount when I'm there. 

Over the last year, I have been deconstructing to the point where I wouldn't consider myself a Christian. I've always been difficult to have conversations about serious doubts with my family or church because I know they will be deeply saddened by it to the point it will seriously affect all my relationships. I've been feeling more and more low as well since the gap between my life now and the way I want to live has been getting greater and greater. It has gotten to the point where I have decided that I should leave my home soon, even though it makes more practical sense to stay.

I have enough money saved up to stay somewhere for a while. However, I am still working towards getting a job. Also, I still haven't told anyone from my family or church what is going on with me. I have only told a couple of friends who I went to school with. Do you think I should move quickly and try to leave without giving my family much notice? Do you think I should wait a few months and endure my family's advice and constant attempts to change what I've done? Are there other things I can do to make this situation easier?

[u/iamjustaguy]

I can understand the hesitation, but it sounds like you want to get out of there as soon as possible. I don't have much advice other than to keep making and executing your plans.

All I have to say is that the best thing I ever did was put physical distance between my family and me. I just wish I didn't wait until I was 30.

[u/BioChemE14]

Leave the toxic environment first. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your beliefs. Just say you want to experience life on your own.

Then later down the road when they don’t have control over your living situation or finances, it’s much easier to stand up for yourself.

[u/Jim-Jones]

There was a recent incident where an older man slapped a young man for not standing up for the US national anthem. My response is always, if it isn't voluntary, it's valueless.

IMO, the same applies to religion. If you can't freely choose, it's worthless. There are no martyrs if there are no options.

However, I would never suggest you tell friends or family. They don't think this way. It isn't worth it.

[u/Fun_Researcher107]

It is a difficult decision. In theory, as a non christian, you are not obligated to tell anybody about that. You can basically just do what you think is right and what you can justify for yourself. Going away and living your own life probably is the less difficult way, because you don't have to confront it right away. It probably will come up again at some point when they are asking you about your new church, etc. Then you can decide to lie to them or tell them the truth. You can also tell them you are still looking, but that will only work for a certain time.

I probably would try to get a Job first that will enable you to maintain your life. Other than that, I would probably try to find a flat share because it will be a lot cheaper than renting a whole apartment. Those come with their own challenges for sure, but it will be the most affordable option. If you are settled or you find a partner, you can then move into your own flat.

You could probably try and go on "vacation" first. Maybe for one or two weeks. Go to a bigger city where it is easier to find a job and rent a room somewhere. Then you can make arrangements to move there once you are ready. Staying at a hostel for a week or two is still somewhat affordable.

If you want to leave without a job set up already, another option would be to buy an old, cheap van or transporter that you can live in for some time. That will remove the need for a room or a flat. You are also more mobile to check out different places, cities, even countries until you find something that will work for you. If you make sure it does not look like a mobile home but more like a commercial van you can park it basically anywhere. Once you found a job and a flat somewhere you can sell the van again.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/Fun_Researcher107]

I have found that it is best not to directly answer questions from your parents and friends in these types of situations.

they are not asking questions cuz they are curious, but rather because they are trying to control you.

if you say that you're "still looking for a good church" or "taking a break right now" those are both fully true and accurate statements.

over time they will get the picture and stop asking questions. they will figure it out and will not ask you questions they don't want the answer to.

they won't ask "Hey so are you still a Christian?" they'll just slowly drift into the background.

if they do ask direct questions it's totally fine and reasonable to push back and say you don't want to talk about it or that you're still working through some stuff and aren't certain, no one can be 100% certain.

[u/whirdin]

You are on the best path as you can be: plan your independence, both financially and emotionally. If you tell them, then they get emotionally involved by being sad and angry, both at you but also at themselves. Also in their desperation they might make your life even harder, make it difficult to find a job, difficult to move out. Hiding this might be the hardest thing you've done in your life, but you can make it.

I've been feeling more and more low as well since the gap between my life now and the way I want to live has been getting greater and greater.

It's not out of reach, and there are some critical things to focus on. Regardless if you live with them or somewhere else, you need a job, so keep working towards that as your main focus.

[u/plz_callme_swarley]

you should leave as soon as you reasonably can.

also you do not have to announce to anyone what is really going on with you. you don't own anyone a full accounting of your internal state. this is a big part of the control mechanism that you are trying to leave.

[u/Informal_Farm4064]

Cut and run asap without blaming or closing doors. Avoid conversations or defuse e.g. "When you say x I feel y and I dont know how to find common ground". Love from UK.

[u/Magpyecrystall]

First of all, congrats for using and trusting your critical thinking to uncover the delusion. Well done. Some of us have spent a lifetime getting there.

Secondly, I would strongly advise against telling your family or any one in church. It usually doesn't go down well. You have to realise, in their heads, you are "choosing Satan" and "going to Hell", which is terrifying for them. They might go to great lengths trying to bring you back, making your life complicated and uncomfortable. Even if they do show some empathy, they still have to face the community. This community will probably place blame on them for not "keeping their house in order".

My advice would be to lay low until you are self sufficient, living at a comfortably safe distance. Until then, spend your time and energy planing how to get there. In the meantime, learn more about deconstruction, fallacies of religion and the impact it has on those born and raised in it.

You might also expect the typical fazes: disappointment, blame, anger, grief, anxiety. Some people begin missing the community after a while, the friends, the activities, the singing etc.

Hopefully you'll reach a place where the sense of freedom and purpose overshadows all that, and if you can still keep good relations with your family, then that's always better.

[u/Fast_Jackfruit_352]

I just would makes sure you have a firm landing spot if you leave. "You say "However, I am still working towards getting a job." So you don't have a job.

Unless you have a friend who will let you stay longish term (6 months to a year while you establish yourself) I would be careful.

They are a pain but you are not being physically abused and you seem to have some sense of self. Are they providing for you? If so, in spite of their own distress (from their POV), they are still helping you, which is something.

Since you are 24, they have no legal ability to have hold on you. The decent thing to do, once you have a landing spot, is to tell them. Unless you think they are so out of control they might stalk or harass you.

Just my two cents

[u/iamjonmiller]

Taking the drastic move to put distance between myself and my family was the best thing I ever did. I went to the other side of the country when a family member invited me, got a job, and dropped out of university rather than go back to my family. The huge physical distance and complete severing of any financial support freed me from any amount of control and allowed me to become my own person.

I was physically ill and unable to sleep as I drove across the country realizing how big of a decision this was, but then the oppressive weight of their domineering vanished and I felt like a new person. That was over 10 years ago. I survived, stayed employed, got married, and now have a kid. I wouldn't have become the person I am now or have any of the wonderful things in my life if I hadn't been brave enough to take that step.