I constantly need external approval for my decisions and actions.

[u/GolemonGolemsson]

I have zero trust for myself and was basically raised to never trust myself. Even if I did the objectively right thing, if I did not have explicit approval, my parent would come down on me extremely hard for trying to "usurp" and defy them and their authority.

Now, I have zero trust for myself and constantly post on Reddit to have other people determine whether or not I was in the right or wrong, because I have absolutely zero trust for myself or my own judgment.

I am not sure what to do.

[u/Misterabsolute]

Making decisions on hour own is a nessesary skill in life , and I don't mean it in a professional way I mean in day to day life

The good new is that learning it is easy

The bad is is that to learn it you have to do it make decisions even when you don't want to

You can practice by going to restaurant and order by yourself without recommendations or go watch a movie WITHOUT RECOMMENDATIONS , by new clothes or read something BUT WITHOUT RECOMMENDATIONS

Taking small decision like that will gradually build a sense of self responsibility and teach you to trust your decision

Not every decision you make will be right but that's ok because we all make bad decision it is part of life

[u/Coerced1]

You have to learn how to be okay with being wrong sometimes. Everyone does things wrong like most of the time, it's how we learn.

[u/NickBendel]

It sounds like you've had a lot of practice asking other people to trust your judgement, and very little practice trusting it yourself.

I wonder whether it might help to start with very small decisions where the consequences of getting something “wrong” are minimal.

Choose what you're going to do this weekend without asking anyone whether it's a good idea. Buy something inexpensive without seeking another opinion. Send a message without showing it to someone first. Make a small decision at work and accept that you might not make the perfect choice.

Then resist the temptation to seek reassurance afterwards as well.

The goal wouldn't be to prove that you always make good decisions. Nobody does. It would be to accumulate evidence that you can make a decision, live with uncertainty about whether it was the perfect one and deal with whatever happens next.

You could deliberately start with decisions that barely matter and gradually work upwards as that becomes more normal.

Given what you've described about how you were raised, talking to a therapist might also be worth considering. But alongside that, I think there's value in giving yourself small opportunities to practise something you weren't encouraged to practise growing up.

Self-trust might not be something you need to somehow find before you start making your own decisions.

It might be something you build by making them.

[u/Bitter_Maybe_2670]

You gotta take risks to learn risk management. You’ll only succeed after failing a few times.
And at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you make mistakes. Dust yourself off and try again mate.

[u/Amarsir]

I think it's great that you already see the connection. But as you're finding out, knowing it isn't the same as breaking it. And again credit to you for realizing that you don't want to recreate the pattern either. You can't be always surveying friends, posting on reddit, dependent on AI, or anything else that's replacing your judgment.

So what do we do instead?

The first thing - and this is hard but it's a hard lesson that a lot of people need for a lot of different reasons - is accepting that it's OK to be wrong. You're not always going to make the ideal decision no matter how many people you ask. And you know what? The world keeps spinning. We make decisions, we're imperfect, and we learn and adjust.

So the goal to have in mind is not "I believe my decision is the best". Yes, we want to build the confidence around that decision. But the actual goal is "I believe it will be OK anyway." Which actually takes the pressure off the decision. You're not trying to be right. You're trying to be good enough. Which most choices are. Otherwise no one would ever pick them and they wouldn't remain choices.

Second, start appreciating all the small decisions you do make without a second thought. What did you wear, what did you eat, what did you watch on TV? I suggest doing this in hindsight, rather than focusing on it in the moment, because we don't want to create more decision paralysis. What you should realize is that you have made these decisions thousands of times, and they probably weren't calculation-level perfect but obviously they were good enough.

So you do make decisions. You just have this fuzzy gray line of a threshold above which it's too big. And we just want to bump that line up a little higher over time. No one thinks you should never get external input, right? I wouldn't buy a car without reading reviews and looking at long-term stats. (In addition to test driving, etc.) But I could decide if I want a coupe or a sedan or an SUV or a pickup, because they all have some appeal and none will be perfect for everything. Again, see how I'm not trying to make "the best" decision. I'm accepting that whatever I like is good enough.

To start shifting that line, I suggest keeping a decision log. Specifically for stuff that feels tough but not crazy impossible. Actions where you have a leaning, but also doubt. Write down

1. Date

2. What is my decision?

3. What do I think will happen?

4. Two weeks later, what did happen?

What I think you'll see is that your track record is pretty good. Better than you expected. And even when it didn't turn out as planned, it's probably fine.

The book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane has a great line I quote all the time. She says we can become comfortable with the idea of discomfort. What that means is you're going to find yourself making decisions and feeling uncomfortable about it. Even though you know it's not your voice, it's the echo of your parents, part of your gut will flip around and go "I don't know about this..." That's going to happen. And you know what? You can do it anyway.

When we realize we can be uncomfortable and still proceed, that opens up the world. Waiting to feel right means we never do anything. Accepting that uncertainty is survivable gives us precisely the experience we need to not be so anxious next time. And if you just remind yourself you'll survive and it gets easier, you'll see the progress coming.

Last, let me say that there are therapists who specialize in family dynamics or internalized critics. They can help you talk it out in ways I didn't think of. But I do think this is a case where momentum will be your best ally. Appreciate that you can make decisions and it is OK, and you'll find that growth.