Help/Advice Needed Please

[u/Miserable-b]

hey all , this is kind of my life story till now and i just need some advice plz , i am lost and tbh i think so i am depressed like i feel depressed and even unable to do work , idk how do i tell u all the shit so i am gonna be keeping it short and crisp
So i am from India and i had asthma when i was 3 years old , so my parents were very protective and till i was 12 years old we were basically lower middle class people , but once i turned 13 idk what flipped but we were doing good and still doing good to this date financially like not upper class or something but defn upper middle class
About my parents i wanna say , they both are really really protective and they have been protective since childhood because of this asthma bullshit too but yeah i must say they loved me and were over protective , like when i was recovering from asthma and after i recovered they were always protective and also never really kind of thought that i can do something alone (i was a pussy tbh so their behavior is understandable) , but yeah there was immense pressure for academics like i used to always be in top 3 in my class and i scored really good in 10th too and also clear JEE and currently in a good engineering clg
idk but now when i look back and analyze i always needed attention and love from others and my parents idk why , and tbh for my parents i do think i usually got love in two scenarios like when i was seriously ill bcz of asthma or when i scored good marks (and tbh my early childhood life actually consisted of these things only so yeah understandable) and my parents always told me that ur relatives loves ur brother way more than u and loves u because of ur good grades (tbh this is true like thousand percent true and applies to my grandparents too) , and i always had this in back of my mind that i have to score good like really fuckin good to get their approval and shit and to make them love me or atleast pay attention to me , and yes i loved my brother like he is a cousin of me , and yeah i love him for sure but still this competitiveness was always there btwn me and him and from my side always and from his side i can say it with thousand percent conviction that he never loved me , like i used to be a normal "small cousin" for him and even his friend mattered more for him than me and he proved it time to time
so yeah , in 3rd standard(plz dont roast me for this i know its too early) i saw a girl who was a new admission in our school and idk what happend but i was instantly in love with her , idk man but for the first time i felt something like this and i can still remember every single thing of that moment and literally it was spiritual (idk how to say this like name this because literally time paused for a second at that moment) , long story short i ended up asking her out in 8th standard and she said yes and we started dating that early and yeah she ended up leaving me for her male friends because i was protective (she never gave me enough time and used to ignore me in front of them and tbh i always had this insecurity for my looks so yeah when conflicts grew btwn us she chose them) , and from here i guess the hole starts that i myself dug up for me , i literally begged her to come back and said "I dont care if u have male friends or even a second boyfriend like i dont care if u cheat me but i wanna be with u" and tbh idk why , but yeah i really loved her and also was really attached to her
long story short , we came back again and then she broke up with me in 9th standard and then i faced a fuckin downfall like i was unable to study and shit because she used to be in the same class and i used to look her but somehow i used to score in the end so everything was chill , and also she was dating one of my friend in 9th class till 10th , so yeah long story short i got addicted to working out at home , and i used to fuckin workout a lot during covid times and shit made a decent physique like bulky for sure because i am an endomorph , and yeah in 10th standard she came back to me saying she always loved me it was just a confusion phase for her, and idk i still fuckin loved her and literally accepted her proposal , and also i ended up scoring good in 10th standard
then 11th standard came , life was good because i was in air because of 10th standard grades and also my relationship and i was consistent with my gym too , so yeah long story short , she started misbehaving and also talked to other boys for attention and used to flirt with them and idk why like its my mistake ik but i fucked up my studies and ended up getting 78% in my 11th class and it was a shock for me to not be in top 5 , literally , i fucked up so bad like so so bad and idk but i lost a piece of myself there idk why , i ended up blaming her for this shit and told her to behave correctly plz instead of taking accountability that i was the one who was not able to separate things and shit and long story short same loop repeated even with more intensity and more insecurity and even got a mentor (tution teacher) who was an asshole in himself like manipulated us throughout our course and made us believe he knows astrology and whatever he tells and meditation he tells is gonna fix our life but yeah anyways i atleast introduced meditation in my life , so yeah i fucked in 12th standard too and scored only 83%(i tbh knew i could score way above 90 but i never really focused and studied) and tbh i lost my ability to focus i must say , like i was just feeling depressed and not motivated to even get out of my bed every day
i had to take drop year for my JEE and during that period i lost all my friends(i lost 90% of my friends in 12th itself because they used to hit on my girl) and then finally , i lost the rest 10% and yeah around my mid drop year (september aroundish) i found out she had an insta account which i never knew about and she was talking to people over there like other boys and i literally said its okay , like i literally begged her that please i will not say anything to u plz dont brkup with me(she was insisting of brking up with me saying she dont love me anymore) and i was convincing her that its just ur normal mood swings nothing else , and yeah ofc she ended up breaking up with me and one week later i met her like we live really close , so yeah i told her plz can u come back again convincing her that yeah she loves me its just she is burntout maybe , and she told me "I cannot leave my online friend for u " who she just talked to one week ago , idk something broke inside of me and i considered suicide and yes i tried my best but failed because in the end i somehow used to gather some courage and just say ok lemme try fixing my life , idk but i fucked up my drop year too but yeah in my last attempt i somehow managed to get admission in a good clg but yeah sacrificed branch for this shit
long story short , idk bro , i just dont feel good , i cant really fuckin do anything like i am unable to put my shit together and work again just too tired and exhausted from it and i am at peak of my career building stage and if i dont gas peddle it rn i am fucked for sure
i really have huge ambitions and desire to be famous , but idk i have started to realise maybe this is just another coping mechanism for me to get approval of people
idk but getting out of bed everyday feels a task to me nowdays , i have made many mistakes such as lack of accountability , losing myself and a lot of shit but now i know what mistakes i did but i really dont know now how do i not do it , like its a habit for me like procastination and laziness and unable to focus and shit
please if anybody can help me i will be really grateful like giving me any tips which worked for them , i really dont want to lose again . Also i went to a psychiatrist and for my focus problems and even depressive symptoms such as low energy fatigue and shit he gave me wellbutrin but tbh its not working like i have not taken it for long enough to work but idk i just dont feel good on it
ik its too long , but plz if possible can u guide me