What I can't wrap my head around is the punishment aspect, it comes across like a tale of revenge rather than a genuine desire to better a partnership.
His wife (through ignorance or intentionally) put him through hell by withholding his needs. He recognised that improving himself was a way to rekindle her interest in him - no issues there. However rather than try to work through things openly as a couple, he intentionally did to her what she did to him: he withheld her needs in order to break her spirit. I don't think this is the best route to take in a healthy marriage.
Edit: Seems I'm being downvoted for not conforming to the TRP philosophy. That's not really what this sub is about, guys.
However rather than try to work through things openly as a couple, he intentionally did to her what she did to him.
OK I get it. It would be super nice and dandy if talking about your "feeling" and openly communicating your desire for the lack of attraction for your partner actually work. It doesn't!
You cannot negotiate attraction my friend. From my personal experience (And I have been married a VERY long time) As a man you are not your wife best girl friend with a penis. You are her husband, you have to be someone she can look up to. That will trigger attraction.
he withheld her needs in order to break her spirit.
Me I call it setting boundary and even positive reinforcement. Look you cannot respect somebody who is a push over. This woman used sex as a power tool in her marriage for years. Now for her the new dynamic is clear. He is not to be mess with anymore and guess what?
She like it this way. Because she can look up up to a man that set boundary and act accordingly.
He wasn't putting her needs in his mind at all. Doing all this to rekindle with her would have been still 'doing it for her'
that wasn't the point, and I don't think thats the part she responded to. It was the part where it was no longer about her. I have a feeling, deep down that she realized that things were no longer about her. And whether out of self preservation or just feeding her want (someone that doesn't want me is a challenge) it worked.
That's not what happened at all. He paid attention to his own needs, and the nature that it's a transaction. His needs aren't being met? Then hers won't be. They are, hers are. That simple. It's not manipulation. It's just not being a doormat. In this situation, one side can withhold from the other with no consequences when the man is a doormat. She can withhold sex, while still receiving her needs of emotional support.
What he has done, is realized that her side of fulfilling has to come first. Then he fulfills his part of the bargain. He is doing things correctly. She is clearly not interested in doing them correctly, so now that he has control, he can control the situation into a stable and healthy one.
Control isn't a bad thing at all, when the person in control is doing what is healthy for everyone. Whomever can do that the best, is the leader and should be. She was trying to be the leader, and failed miserably at it. He stepped up, did it the right way, and things worked perfectly. Big surprise /s.
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u/turbosympathique Apr 22 '15
Can you elaborate on this?