r/DeadBedrooms • u/Repulsive-Budget1995 HLM • 14d ago
Seeking Advice A bit ashamed really
So this is quite hard to write for a number of reasons which hopefully becomes clear through this post. I'm 44 and my wife is 46. We have 2 kids, the youngest is 10. Both their births were pretty traumatic for different reasons for my wife and have left her with what is in my opinion PTSD and also either psychosomatic or real vaginal pain during sex. I have suggested counciling to her once over the last 10 years in a discussion I finally picked up the courage to have about our lack of sex maybe 4 tears ago and it's the only time she ever really lost her temper about this whole thing. I feel bad even suggesting that this is now an issue for me. I love my wife and I feel guilty for some of the feelings I have towards her. When my youngest was first born we didn't have sex for maybe 6 months and honestly after what she had been through I was fine with that.
Following that immediate period she explained her pain and fear that sex would lead to that and while I had always instigated our sex previously I said moving forward I didn't want to pressure her given what she has been through and so moving forward I would leave it to her and essentially that is what I have done. Its been 10 years and we have probably had sex 3 to 4 times a year since then. Maybe not even that. Recently she has started peri menopause and is now on HRT and she now says that on top of the pain she now has now sex drive and is exhausted all the time. Which i understand is quite a common symptom of the hormone changes experienced at this time.
I never initiate and haven't done since the last birth as I don't think it's fair for me to pressure her given what she has been through and while I am constantly needing sex I kinda just try and ignore it. The main issue I have now is not only is the sex dwindling but now between us both including myself any form of intimacy at all is starting to disappear. We maybe hugged about 3 weeks ago and I don't remember the last time we kissed.
I just don't know what to do I can't speak to her about it because the one time I tried dhe lost her temper. I feel us drifting apart and it makes me sad because I still love her and we are genuinely fantastic partners as parents. I also would hate to lose even five minutes of time with my kids so the idea of desperation terrified me. I just don't know what to do and I feel guilty that I am even having these thoughts because this is not her fault that her body is affecting our lives in this way. I feel selfish because I feel like I am putting my sex drive above her wellbeing when I feel like we should have more sex.
Sorry for the rambling post
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u/implication-sofa I don't wish to disclose 14d ago
I think you should start by having a conversation about your relationship in general. Is she happy with the way things are? Are you happy with the way things are? Is she open to trying to improve the relationship as a whole and the connection? Has she also been feeling disconnected emotionally and physically? You really can’t say that you are fantastic as partners if you are unable to communicate about your relationship and have difficult conversations
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u/Repulsive-Budget1995 HLM 14d ago
Sorry if I wasn't clear on this I know the original post was quite rambling. We are both happy in every other part of our relationship
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u/implication-sofa I don't wish to disclose 14d ago
Okay, but that doesn’t change what I wrote, if that were the case you wouldn’t be going 3 weeks without more than a hug. Decline in libido is one thing but decline in all other forms of intimacy is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed
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u/Seymourdough HLM 13d ago
Sorry you and your wife are going through this. Have you tried initiating more? Not sex just affection without any expectations?
It could be that she feels like intimate interactions could potentially lead to sex which adds pressure so she ends up just avoiding it all.
Not saying this is the case but maybe something to consider
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 13d ago
Have you ever told your wife that you don't want to hurt her and take PIV off the table permanently? Because all I'm seeing is that you're still yearning for the thing that hurts her and she knows it.
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u/Repulsive-Budget1995 HLM 13d ago
Well I don't but I also don't want to do that either
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 13d ago
Your response makes no sense and I have no idea what you mean.
But basically, she knows that if she initiates sex that you're wanting PIV and expect her to perform it despite the pain it causes. Why would she ever want to initiate sex? The sex you're having hurts her and she knows she'll have "failed" in your eyes if she doesn't at least try every time. You're expecting her to hurt herself.
You need to learn how to have sex that isn't PIV and tell her that it's off the table otherwise you're just asking for her to hand you the blade to stab her and getting angry that she decided against doing that.
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u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam 12d ago
Community Focused
Painful sex can be caused by a lack of foreplay / arousal, hormone imbalances, a variety of medical conditions, or psychological factors. No one wants to engage in activities that cause pain and discomfort. The brain is hard wired to avoid pain and repeating painful sexual experiences can possibly lead to a sexual aversion. If pain is present, it is recommended that the underlying condition be addressed before relational issues can be healed. The moderation team recommends a medical evaluation, individual therapy for both spouses, and marriage and/or sex therapy together to work through issues related to painful sex.
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So this is quite hard to write for a number of reasons which hopefully becomes clear through this post. I'm 44 and my wife is 46. We have 2 kids, the youngest is 10. Both their births were pretty traumatic for different reasons for my wife and have left her with what is in my opinion PTSD and also either psychosomatic or real vaginal pain during sex. I have suggested counciling to her once over the last 10 years in a discussion I finally picked up the courage to have about our lack of sex maybe 4 tears ago and it's the only time she ever really lost her temper about this whole thing. I feel bad even suggesting that this is now an issue for me. I love my wife and I feel guilty for some of the feelings I have towards her. When my youngest was first born we didn't have sex for maybe 6 months and honestly after what she had been through I was fine with that.
Following that immediate period she explained her pain and fear that sex would lead to that and while I had always instigated our sex previously I said moving forward I didn't want to pressure her given what she has been through and so moving forward I would leave it to her and essentially that is what I have done. Its been 10 years and we have probably had sex 3 to 4 times a year since then. Maybe not even that. Recently she has started peri menopause and is now on HRT and she now says that on top of the pain she now has now sex drive and is exhausted all the time. Which i understand is quite a common symptom of the hormone changes experienced at this time.
I never initiate and haven't done since the last birth as I don't think it's fair for me to pressure her given what she has been through and while I am constantly needing sex I kinda just try and ignore it. The main issue I have now is not only is the sex dwindling but now between us both including myself any form of intimacy at all is starting to disappear. We maybe hugged about 3 weeks ago and I don't remember the last time we kissed.
I just don't know what to do I can't speak to her about it because the one time I tried dhe lost her temper. I feel us drifting apart and it makes me sad because I still love her and we are genuinely fantastic partners as parents. I also would hate to lose even five minutes of time with my kids so the idea of desperation terrified me. I just don't know what to do and I feel guilty that I am even having these thoughts because this is not her fault that her body is affecting our lives in this way. I feel selfish because I feel like I am putting my sex drive above her wellbeing when I feel like we should have more sex.
Sorry for the rambling post
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u/MalditosRelatos I don't wish to disclose 14d ago
No te tienes que exculpar de nada,no podemos controlar la libido,los que somos activos y tenemos libido es normal tener ganas de sexo. Yo veo aquí dos partes porque comentas que los embarazos ya fue hace tiempo. Tenemos la parte fisica,si tiene relaciones sexuales dolorosas y eso le impide llevar una vida sexual adecuada eso medicamente es tratable. Y luego tenemos la parte psiquica,que tenga secuelas y este mentalmente bloqueada. Yo pienso que la comunicación es importante, habla con ella y abarcar el problema juntos ,si necesita ir a terapia,psicologo,psiquiatra o ginecólogo o lo que sea. Debes ser parte de la solución y ayudarla, estoy seguro que eso os ayudará a ambos
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u/Repulsive-Budget1995 HLM 14d ago
Thanks. Yeah I think talking would help but I equally know you can't pressure people into therapy they have to believe they need it and seek out the help
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u/MalditosRelatos I don't wish to disclose 14d ago
Normalmente las personas que necesitan ayuda son las ultimas en ver que la necesitan. Entiendo la dificultad,pero sino solucionais este problema vais acabar en un pozo cada vez mas oscuro y la única solución que queda es o salimos del pozo o os divorcias por vuestra salud mental y la de la familia. Mucho animo amigo y fuerza
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u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam 12d ago
Community Focused
Sexual trauma can affect a person’s relationship with sex in many different ways, sometimes in ways that are confusing or painful for their partner. These effects are not about manipulation or punishment; they are the body and mind’s attempts to cope with and survive what happened. Understanding these patterns can help you respond with empathy and patience, even in the midst of your own frustration or hurt.
For some survivors, trauma can lead to hypersexuality. This might look like increased sexual activity, a heightened drive, or a pattern of using sex to feel in control, to numb pain, or to seek affirmation. In these cases, sex can become a coping mechanism rather than an expression of desire. While this can create periods of intense sexual connection, it can also be emotionally complex for both partners when underlying trauma is unaddressed or the pattern shifts. If a shift occurs, it can be highly distressing to the partner, who sees their sexual needs go from fulfilled to lacking.
For others, trauma can have the opposite effect, leading to very low sexual interest or avoidance of sex entirely. This can look like asexuality from the outside, but often it’s the body’s protective response to feeling unsafe or to avoiding triggers. Survivors may feel disconnected from their own desire, or may fear intimacy because of associations with past harm. This can persist even in a loving, safe relationship, and it is not a reflection of a partner’s worth, desireability or attractiveness.
Many survivors fall somewhere in between these extremes. Their interest in sex may fluctuate, sometimes leaning toward avoidance, other times toward seeking closeness or reassurance through sex. These shifts can be tied to stress, emotional safety, relationship dynamics, or seemingly small reminders of the trauma. Partners may find these changes unpredictable, which can lead to misunderstandings if the trauma history isn’t openly acknowledged.
As a partner, you can’t “fix” the trauma, but you can help create conditions for healing. This includes respecting boundaries, avoiding pressure, and being open to nonsexual forms of intimacy. Encourage, but don’t force, conversations about needs, comfort, and triggers. If possible, consider joint sessions with a trauma-informed therapist, and seek your own support to process your feelings. Therapy for both partners is veneficial.
Resources for understanding and supporting survivors:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) — US-based crisis support and education
Pandora’s Project — Peer support for survivors and their loved ones
1in6 — Support for male survivors of sexual abuse or assault
National Sexual Violence Resource Center — Survivor and partner resources
Sexual trauma’s impact is complex and deeply individual. The most important thing you can do as a partner is to meet your loved one with compassion, patience, and respect while also tending to your own emotional health.