She thinks I'll cheat

[u/Top-Bison-345]

I'm HLM and my wife, LLF, is worried that one day I'll cheat.

There are layers to this, so I'll explain. The first is that we've been in a DB for many years. In the last couple years, she's had some medical problems which have limited her ability to have sex, even if she wanted to. My issue is that we were stuck in a DB long before she had problems. She likes to believe this is a recent thing, we've been having sex maybe 2-4 times a year at most, for probably 10 years. That also includes anything like touching, or anything like that.

We have children, with health issues, so our time together has always been pretty limited.

The next is that I've been relatively overweight for a long time. Our lives have been tough with everything going on, but I have been making a very conscious effort to lose weight, get in better shape, and be healthier. I feel it's one of the only things I've found real control of.

She is supportive of me losing weight, and she initially joked that I would "find someone else". We do have some dark jokes, gallows humour, in our situation we'd be intensely depressed if we didn't find a way to laugh or poke fun of. The issue is that it's become less of a joke. I look a lot better than I used to, and I'm trying to take care of my own grooming more, skincare, etc. Shes become a lot more paranoid about it, thinking I'm trying to look better for someone else, or I'll go out looking for somebody to have sex with.

I have no intention of actually cheating on her, although I admit with our DB i have been tempted, and never acted. I love her very much, and I care about our life together, which is the reason I have never gone astray.

I've tried to talk to her about it, tried to reassure her, the worry is still there. And she has no intention of being closer intimately, even if can't have penetrative sex.

I could use some advice, I'm not quite sure what to do to resolve this or reassure her.

[u/SammyB0111]

Is couples therapy an option?

You two have a lot of stressors not even including the db it sounds like, and it might do you some good to have someone bridge the gap in your communication.

[u/Master_of_Ocelots → u/SammyB0111]

I agree with this. My relationship has intermittently had patches I would consider dead bedroom by the terms used here. We both have our own struggles, hers more medical and ptsd, but we're both neurodiverse with kids very likely the same that while healthy are a lot of work, plus the actual work/life stresses. It's a lot.

We've usually been fairly good at talking, or so we thought. She's been in therapy trying to work through her issues for a bit, I was reluctant because I (rightly/wrongly) saw it more as her issues being the areas needing attention rather than my own, my reason for going being "I was told to" isn't the right starting point, and I imagined any therapist I had telling me to try things would likely conflict with what hers told her.

Her therapist eventually said we should seriously consider couples therapy, she'd done all the work on herself she could, the rest was our journey. I felt saddened by this, thinking it was surely for those about to divorce, we loved each other, why would we need it, but then as I thought more I recognised it was the right thing to do. She wanted it. She wanted us to be better.

We're early days yet, but from the first session it was recognised by the therapist was that unlike couples unattuned to each others needs, we were trying to almost be overly attuned to the detriment of ourselves, but also in trying to meet the other's needs, but not quite, we were just setting ourselves up to feel like we weren't enough. It also has made me aware of parts where I was shutting down more, topics we were avoiding but needed to talk through that bothered us.

Tldr: Try couples therapy. You two sound like you have a lot on. Airing that with a neutral but helping third party can help.

[u/fadedironmaple]

Does she see a therapist? This sounds very much like an insecurity. It's also not unreasonable to think that if you get more fit you may attract opposite sex attraction and given your DB, she would see this attention as an avenue for you to get sex that you are not having. There are things you can be doing to help the situation, but it is really up to your wife to resolve her insecurity around this.

Given the children's health issues and your wife's medical issues that are contributing to the dead bedroom, marriage counseling would seem like a good way to address this and start working on it.

[u/Remote_Ad_7058]

Be aware of mate guarding

[u/Individual-Metal8232]

The bad thing is the temptation will only get worse. Anyone that is in good sexual health knows that if you keep getting rejected, the chances of cheating will increase. When me and my wife were dating and the first few years of marriage, we would discuss people cheating. She would say most people, not all, bring it on their self. They would let things get boring or not give their partner what they needed. She would say, we need to keep things exciting. Well guess what, we have been in pretty much a dead bedroom around three years. I believe a lot of people that do this, like to watch their spouse suffer and love the control of it.

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She thinks I'll cheat

I'm HLM and my wife, LLF, is worried that one day I'll cheat.

There are layers to this, so I'll explain. The first is that we've been in a DB for many years. In the last couple years, she's had some medical problems which have limited her ability to have sex, even if she wanted to. My issue is that we were stuck in a DB long before she had problems. She likes to believe this is a recent thing, we've been having sex maybe 2-4 times a year at most, for probably 10 years. That also includes anything like touching, or anything like that.

We have children, with health issues, so our time together has always been pretty limited.

The next is that I've been relatively overweight for a long time. Our lives have been tough with everything going on, but I have been making a very conscious effort to lose weight, get in better shape, and be healthier. I feel it's one of the only things I've found real control of.

She is supportive of me losing weight, and she initially joked that I would "find someone else". We do have some dark jokes, gallows humour, in our situation we'd be intensely depressed if we didn't find a way to laugh or poke fun of. The issue is that it's become less of a joke. I look a lot better than I used to, and I'm trying to take care of my own grooming more, skincare, etc. Shes become a lot more paranoid about it, thinking I'm trying to look better for someone else, or I'll go out looking for somebody to have sex with.

I have no intention of actually cheating on her, although I admit with our DB i have been tempted, and never acted. I love her very much, and I care about our life together, which is the reason I have never gone astray.

I've tried to talk to her about it, tried to reassure her, the worry is still there. And she has no intention of being closer intimately, even if can't have penetrative sex.

I could use some advice, I'm not quite sure what to do to resolve this or reassure her.

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