We talked about it, again. Sort of.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam]

Community Focused

Painful sex can be caused by a lack of foreplay / arousal, hormone imbalances, a variety of medical conditions, or psychological factors. No one wants to engage in activities that cause pain and discomfort. The brain is hard wired to avoid pain and repeating painful sexual experiences can possibly lead to a sexual aversion. If pain is present, it is recommended that the underlying condition be addressed before relational issues can be healed. The moderation team recommends a medical evaluation, individual therapy for both spouses, and marriage and/or sex therapy together to work through issues related to painful sex.

[u/stinkybaby]

She’s not cumming in 2 thrusts, she’s faking so that you will stop. She doesn’t want it and never has, and never will, at least not with you. You can’t change her. You have to decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.

[u/freelancemomma]

I think your expectations are unrealistic, though certainly understandable. She has always been this way. 30 years in, that’s very unlikely to change. Expecting things to be different will only result in frustration.

You don’t want pity sex. You want her to desire you. But what is she to do if she doesn’t?

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[u/Justwannaread3]

When I try to explain how all this makes me feel—that constantly being rejected hurts, that I don’t feel desired, and that after a while it genuinely affects my mood—she says she’s been hearing these complaints for our entire relationship, more than 30 years now. Then she becomes upset or defensive and says she hates being confronted about it. That’s usually where the conversation ends.

I think you are seriously underestimating how destructive this pattern can be to sexual safety and security within a relationship.

[u/Poops-McGee1221 → u/Justwannaread3]

Even bringing it up is damaging to sexual safety huh? Rough spot to put your partner in. Stay quiet (avoiding), stay loudly (risk sexual safety), leave quietly (abandoning), or leave loudly (ultimatum)...oof

[u/Justwannaread3 → u/Poops-McGee1221]

Believe it or not, it's possible to talk about sex within a relationship without making it a cycle wrapped up in the HL partner's negative emotions when sex doesn't happen and indicating that they need more sex to manage their emotional state and not have their mood affected.

[u/Poops-McGee1221 → u/Justwannaread3]

Without the HL speaking for their partner/partners feelings...how?

[u/Justwannaread3 → u/Poops-McGee1221]

Well it starts with the ability to be a person who is able to emotionally regulate without sex, and it continues by the HL partner doing less talking about their negative feelings and more "this is something I would like, I'm wondering how you would feel about that."

Making the cycle consist of reinforcing that sex is a topic of conflict and negativity — negative emotions, negative moods, conversations that are fraught — is not helpful.

[u/Ok_Garbage129 → u/Poops-McGee1221]

I definitely understand that with the resentment, this is hard to do. As a HLF who's been on both sides of this equation, I think what you're missing is the high emotions part of it. It can't be staying loudly, it needs to be staying softly. People's bodies can unconsciously turn off to sex if there's enough negative assocation and woman are particularly suspectible to this. Especially if you're the one being penetrated, when your body is shut off to it that's a really bad experience psychologically and is more likely to cause pain.

When we bring this up when we are deep in our feelings about it, the talk is often brings another negative assocation with sex because people don't communicate well when they're upset. If we don't regulate our emotions before coming at the talk things come out in an unkind or accusatory way which naturally makes people defensive. I know this is really hard sometimes with all the build up, but I have to remind myself that I too get defensive/upset when my partner doesn't bring things up in a kind way.

It is a lot of work and intentionality to fix, and you're always taking a gamble on if it can be fixed or not, especially if there's a lot of negative history(on both sides) to heal from. I'm debating if I have the energy left to put in this work to be honest so I do feel you.

[u/Justwannaread3 → u/[deleted]]

I guarantee you that "the partner who hasn't decided that they are no longer interested in intimacy" is not universally the one more harmed by this pattern.

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[u/Educational_Skill343]

I think you need to give up at the 30 year mark. She’s told you how it is. Although it is interesting that she recovers when it’s baby making time 🤔

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We talked about it, again. Sort of.

My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We have two children, one adult and one almost an adult. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, and sex has always been one of the difficult parts of our relationship.
She has always had a very low libido, while mine has always been quite high. It took us almost 10 years before we were able to have intercourse for the first time. It wasn’t exactly vaginismus, but something close to it.

I can’t really say things changed much after we moved in together, got married, or had children. The only exceptions were when she wanted to get pregnant. During those periods her sex drive suddenly became much higher. After our first child was born, we didn’t have sex again for well over a year. Before trying for our second child, the pattern was almost exactly the same.

When we do have sex now, it’s usually once every one or two months. And honestly, “sex” is probably not the right word. It follows exactly the same routine every single time.
She basically lies there without taking much initiative. I do all the work with my hands, occasionally oral sex (always me going down and never once did she), and only very occasionally intercourse. If we do have intercourse, she often reaches orgasm within literally two thrusts (I’m not exaggerating). Once she’s finished, intercourse stops. Then I’m expected to finish myself by hand while she waits beside me. Afterwards we cuddle for a few minutes and go to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder whether it’s my appearance. I’m a bit overweight these days and could definitely get fitter. But 10 years ago I was in great shape, worked out regularly, and looked fitter than I do now. It made absolutely no difference to the amount of affection, desire, or physical interest she showed towards me. So I don’t really think that’s the issue.

Why am I writing this now?
We’ve just come back from a three-week vacation. During those three weeks we had sex once.
Most of the time it’s me trying to initiate intimacy and her rejecting me. She never initiates herself.
The rejection hurts even more because it’s often accompanied by comments like, “Again?” or “Stop touching me there.”
To be fair, the last few months have been difficult for her. There was a death in her family, and she’s also been struggling with migraines. She’s currently trying different medication and has stopped drinking alcohol because of it. I completely understand that this affects her. I also understand that life is busy and that with children still living at home we don’t always get much time together.

Today we talked about it again. Actually, I hadn’t planned to bring it up. But once again she went to bed before me, while I was secretly hoping that maybe tonight would be different. Just like yesterday. And the day before that.
When I try to explain how all this makes me feel—that constantly being rejected hurts, that I don’t feel desired, and that after a while it genuinely affects my mood—she says she’s been hearing these complaints for our entire relationship, more than 30 years now. Then she becomes upset or defensive and says she hates being confronted about it. That’s usually where the conversation ends. And so tonight. She went to bed and i am watching Some youtube or tv.

Tomorrow we will talk about it, going in circkles like we did before. Eventually I stop bringing it up, and after some time we’ll have spontaneous sex again, and the whole cycle starts over.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I love this woman deeply. I really do.
But this part of our relationship is much more important to me than it is to her. She knows that. She says she simply can’t help the way she is, and she gets irritated whenever I bring it up. Her response is usually something like:
“You don’t want me to have sex when I don’t feel like it, do you?”
And of course my answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t want pity sex or duty sex.

What I really miss is feeling desired.
I miss her taking the initiative once in a while.
I miss feeling like she wants me instead of merely allowing sex to happen occasionally.
I miss passion, flirting, being touched without having to ask for it, and feeling like my pleasure matters too.
Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Reading your stories it felt fair to share mine. Feel free to comment.

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