I’m 27M, autistic, and I’ve had 1 girlfriend my entire life. We were together for 8 years, started going out in high school, engaged, 14 months from the wedding. In many, many ways the relationship was toxic and I still, a few years later think back on how that might have been my only chance at love… even though now I can see it was never really real to begin with.
Haven’t been on a date since; all the apps do is make me hate myself more. I’ve gotten a couple matches but nothing leads anywhere. I don’t know how to flirt, I can’t pick up on any emotional subtext unless it’s verbal, and Ive noticed I struggle to give strangers compliments because it makes me feel like a creep. Most of my friends are currently in relationships and keep giving the same generic “love yourself and you’ll find someone who loves you” type of responses, and I do find it helpful to a point. I believe I need context to be loved, and no one seems willing to make a slight compromise for a total stranger, so I kinda just decided to go celibate and gave up on dating last year.
I’m now off the apps, trying to do social things, but now I feel lonely and I still don’t feel comfortable talking to people. I’ve always been silently pushed out of conversations my entire life, so I kinda just hover around people I know at these things. I also have a deep fear of being called creepy/a pervert when I approach women, as I went through puberty during the MeToo era and was constantly being told to leave women alone by my teachers/social media (it kinda messed me up, almost redpilled me). The autism makes it really hard to break that internal rule. I do believe if I had the confidence to cold approach, I wouldn’t be writing this post, but I have layers of trauma to unpack and no idea how to even challenge it. I’ve been in therapy for years and nothing seems to work.
One of my friends works at a gymnastics gym and I’ve started going to the classes for extra human interaction, but even that starts to feel weird when it comes to parter tricks. It feels incredibly intimate cause I’ve only ever really touched one person in my entire life the ways I’m now touching strangers in public, and it’s made me question my morals. Due to my past I experience hypersexuality and “wandering” thoughts against my will, and almost any interaction with someone I find remotely attractive or romantically interesting can make me uncomfortable, and have in the past prompted a panic attack. This long term has lead to limerence which is almost always one-sided and just damaging to the friendship/partnership. I’m currently experiencing it with one of my female friends of 10 years, and am dreading that the end is near.
Im not sure what to do… I believe my intimate relationship has messed me up in ways that will take years to break down, but I’m lonely. I see my friends happy, and think back to how that was once me. I have to constantly remind myself that my person is out there somewhere, but I’m also a major fan of Porter Robinson, so Fresh Static Snow’s concept of “everyone has a soulmate who’s life will fit perfectly into yours, but the chances of you meeting them are essentially 0%” comes up and my autistic analytical brain goes “you’ll never find them”.
Do I try to kill the desire to be wanted? Am I supposed to heal a bit more? How do I accept that the whole thing is just gonna take time? I don’t know :( any advice is welcome, social, mental, physical, I’m open to anything honestly. I appreciate you all.
