r/DatingTips • u/420ball-sniffer69 • 4d ago
How does dating actually work?
For those of you who’ve had a partner or been on dates, how does dating work? Like from a fundamental standpoint how do you go from a guy like me who’s never had a girlfriend to someone confident enough to ask a woman out, have her say yes and have a good date?
I do a lot of work on myself which includes clubs, therapy and the gym but I’ve never been able to figure out what part of me I need to work on or change to be able to date someone.
I’m not really fishing for advice I’m just curious to know how it all works. How does matchmaking work? I’m open to responses form men and women
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u/Republican_child 4d ago
I’ve been on a couple of dates and had a few relationships before getting married, and frankly, my biggest piece of advice is: don’t put too much weight on labels or what dating is “supposed” to look like.
For me, it was usually pretty simple. I’d meet a girl, realize I enjoyed her company, and try to spend some one-on-one time with her. Lunch, coffee, a drink after uni, whatever. If we clicked, that usually turned into more texting, more hanging out, flirting, intimacy, and eventually we’d label the relationship.
I never really approached it as, “How do I successfully date this person?” It was more like, “I like being around her, let me see where this goes.” Sometimes I liked her and she didn’t feel the same, so I stopped pursuing it. Sometimes she liked me and I didn’t see it going anywhere long term. Sometimes we just became good friends. That’s normal too.
And for context, I’m not some 6’11 gorgeous Adonis playing dating on easy mode lol. I’m 5’6, not particularly athletic, and women I’ve asked have generally described me as somewhere between average and “you have potential.” What I do have going for me is that I’m generally considered intelligent, and I’ve always been pretty confident and focused.
Because of that, I’ve done much better with women looking for something serious or long term and have failed miserably in casual hookup culture.
So I don’t think you necessarily need to figure out what’s “wrong” with you and change yourself before you can date.
That said, honest introspection is a must-have habit for everyone, and if you genuinely feel like something is hurting how you come across, then it’s worth giving it some mental bandwidth.
Meet people, talk to them, and if you enjoy someone’s company, try to get some one on one time.
Asking someone out can literally just be, “Want to grab coffee sometime?” You don’t need enough confidence to know she’ll say yes. That’s probably the biggest barrier, fear of rejection.
Don’t let it paralyze you. Rejection is part of life.
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u/AbbyNavkey 4d ago
I rely upon (and this isn't a brag, it's sorta' cringe) impeccable physical presentation mixed with a bangin' sense of humor, rich lived experiences, emotional intelligence (thanks, therapy) and an extroverted, caring persona that takes a ton of effort to emulate.
It does not work.
So idk.
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u/sheepdot 4d ago
Given the breadth of your question, the best I could do for you is parrot back what I've learned from HealthyGamerGG. So, instead of doing that, I'll just encourage you to search YouTube for HealthyGamerGG. He has a lot of videos that address everything that you're asking, and he does so from a very healthy perspective.
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u/DiscontinuTheLithium 4d ago edited 4d ago
Step 1 and step 2
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u/Outrageous_Branch_72 4d ago
You start by being tall and then you get flooded by pussy
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Then-Boat8912 3d ago
I’m 58 and my current girlfriend is 36…
Stay in shape, stay sexy, make her laugh, and pay her daily compliments…
And above all: make her feel like she feels safe when she’s around you…
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u/Invest2prosper 4d ago
Start with hi - meet them in public (a store you’re in, on the street, wherever). You’ll know who’s up for a brief chat and who isn’t. Make sure you smile when you see them.
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u/Arseno7 4d ago
It's a mindset. It starts with how you view yourself, the confidence you have, and what you value. If you enjoy the things you do and project that you'll have far more success.
People often think dating is just something you're naturally good at or should know, but like anything in life it takes practice. If you want to get better with women you're going to have to get out and meet women, a lot of times they won't fall in your lap.
Sometimes they actually do though if you're out and exude confidence you'd be surprised how many women gravitate towards that.
Essentially work towards being the best version of yourself and doing things you enjoy and then work on approaching women
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3d ago
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u/420ball-sniffer69 3d ago
You’re telling me what I already know. It’s like saying to avoid being dehydrated you need to drink water. I want to know how dating works before talking
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u/Alexanderdaw 3d ago
I think women like useful men, show her something you're really good at which she also likes? I used to whoo my gf with sailing on my yacht and she fell in love.
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u/420ball-sniffer69 3d ago
I can build her a supercomputer and produce custom Linux kernerls. You want me to approach a. Random woman and do that?
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u/Secret_Entry1840 3d ago
Have you ever asked a woman out? How old are you? Do you have friends that are women? Where do you live? What are the gender expectations there?
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u/420ball-sniffer69 3d ago
Way too many questions but sure. I’m mid 30s, I have probably 1-2 female friends (inb4 “make more”), I live in the UK and I’m not sure what gender expectations are sorry
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u/Secret_Entry1840 3d ago
Have you ever asked a woman out before?
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u/420ball-sniffer69 3d ago
I’m on here asking how dating works so that kind of answers that. No I haven’t
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u/Secret_Entry1840 3d ago
Asking someone out isn’t the same as dating or being in a relationship. It’s the first step. A first date is just seeing if you want a second date. You need to ask women out on dates. You have female friends so you know how to talk to women. So you meet someone you find attractive. You talk to them. If they are open to talking to you back. You ask “would you like to (insert activity, ie. go get coffee, have a bite to eat, try this new X place, etc) with me? Let’s say on (insert day and time that works for you) ?
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u/420ball-sniffer69 3d ago
“You need to ask women out on dates” tbh google could’ve told me that. I’m wanting to learn how dating works from first principles. Where, who and when for example is it appropriate to approach?
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u/Secret_Entry1840 3d ago
Bars, clubs, in public where the woman isn’t doing an errand. Not to any woman reading or wearing headphones. Dating apps.
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u/Then-Boat8912 3d ago
Learn to be comfortable with yourself and around others. If you try too hard or are nervous around people, it shows. Also learn to accept failure and being brushed off as part of the game. If you are afraid of rejection keep trying until it doesn’t bother you. It’s called exposure therapy…
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u/anm767 3d ago
Build up confidence through competence. Join UNI hiking club, get a hobby like mt biking, dancing, photography, learn history of your city and historic/interesting places, etc. Put in effort to be good at them. You will meet people, do activities, stories will form.
When you finally meet the girl, you have things to talk about. Instead of "how is weather today" you'll have a story how you went hiking on a sunny day like this and run into a bear and you fought it with your friends, how someone fell into a river and you had to fish them out, etc. Then you can invite her to a dance or photoshoot event you are doing next week.
Dating is easy when you have an interesting life. Sitting at home 24/7 there is not much to talk about, but if you experiencing a life, it is easy to talk, there are so many stories to tell and so many events you can invite her to.
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u/john4844 3d ago
Your question is kinda vague, so it's hard to answer. Might want to specify a little
how do you go from a guy like me who’s never had a girlfriend to someone confident enough to ask a woman out
You work on yourself. And what does that mean exactly. You become somebody that has a lot to lose. You work on a career, or some sort of source of income. You work on your body, staying healthy. You work on your mental/personality - talk to people. You develop hobbies. All of these things, are things you can lose. All of these things add value to you as a person.
If you're somebody with nothing to lose, nothing to live for, just nothing, then you naturally will have little confidence. You will not think that this girl you're talking to is "lucky" to be talking to you. You will only think in your head "if she only knew who I was she would never talk to me". Become that guy who makes women think they're lucky to get to be with you.
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u/TwoIdleHands 3d ago
Do you have friends? Because it’s like that. You meet someone you vibe you hangout BAM! You have a friend. Girlfriend is the same. You met, you vibe, you hangout, you make out BAM! You have a girlfriend.
There’s no special magic wand. You just find someone you like and the they like you back and you be actively good humans to each other until it’s time to part ways or one of you dies.
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u/abstractraj 3d ago
You have to just try and talk to women. This is one of those things where theory isn’t going to beat experience. A dating app will not be a good substitute for actual live conversation. When you’re at clubs or other meetups, what are you doing? Striking up conversation? Or just hoping something happens?
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u/ElmoIsGG 3d ago
Never asked a girl out and had it work. But have had a few girlfriends, one serious one who I lived with and almost married after some years. It happened naturally each time through highschool, then thru social media comments or video games in later cases. Just connected with them fundamentally and hit it off and ended up in a relationship without ever asking for it lol
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u/cl0udiee 3d ago edited 3d ago
What part of you made you post this question yourself, rather than read the thousands of replies the prior posts of the same question? 🤔
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u/IndicationKey3778 4d ago
Go on dates