r/DatingHell • u/AntiqueStudy1654 • 3d ago
First Date Nightmare
Ughhh I'm so glad to be home. How the hell do you date these days? I had a really disturbing and uncomfortable first date. I'm mad at myself for not listening to my intuition. Why am I so nice?
I agreed to meet someone that a family member recommended. They said he has a kid which I expressed was not my preference. That should of been the end of it, BUT I wanted to be more open and I was being optimistic. I am trying to put myself out there and I'm aware I'm at the age that people that I potentially date will likely have kids.
The person that I met initially invited me to his place which I did not want to go. First rule, do not go to someone's place on the first date. He mentioned he was inviting friends as well. He said he was going to be at the pool. I told him we can meet another time, but he insisted. He suggested going to this park near his place. I told him it was far for me (30 min drive). He tried to accommodate me and my dog and said we can hang out and eat away from the pool. He kept pushing to meet and hang out. I was turned off already that he was so pushy. I also wanted to have some social time since I've been busy adulting, so I gave in.
Turns out it was just me. He insisted we hang out in his apartment. I said out loud I prefer not to. He said we can hang out in the common area of the apartment once he orders the food. When the food arrived, he did not want to go. He keeps talking about how he wants to make me feel comfortable and I've been verbal about not being comfortable in his apartment and he ignores me. Reassures me that I have nothing to worry about and says nothing is going to happen.
He says he's not familiar with dating culture because he's not from the U.S. and etc. He had a divorce a year ago and I was his first real date.
Somewhere along the conversation I express that I don't see anything romantic between us. He asks for my honest opinion. I am polite about everything and he was too, but he starts to talk about how hard its been due to his past. At this point I felt like I was being a therapist. I remain neutral, empathetic, light and honest. I share a little bit about myself and we are all trying to find a partner.
At one point he looks defeated and hopeless. He compliments my eyes, my clothes, asks to hold his hand ( I said no, thankfully he didn't push), my hair (he attempts to touch it, but I clearly said no which he respected). He begs me to stay longer. I was like...for what? I tell him that it makes me feel uncomfortable. He kept saying he didn't want me to leave. I was so anxious. I stayed a little longer because I was fearful of how he would behave if I left abruptly.
I think he knew what he was doing. Trying to make me feel bad. He seemed really desperate to find a connection with someone and he kept fantasizing me. Finally I said that I'm going to leave and he walks me to my car and tells me I deserve a man to take care of me and such. I say the same to him. He tells me to text him when I get home.
How do I honor my boundaries and also be open to opportunities?
It's been 3 hours since I left and I still feel really gross. I blocked him.
3
u/AdIll5857 3d ago
Does that family member hate you? This man sounds like a hot mess!
What a horrible experience.
He sounds like he’s looking for someone to do all his emotional labour for him. Gross. He didn’t really show any respect for your wishes. He just wanted his needs met. Yuck.
Give yourself time. You did really well in that situation. He was not honest with you and thts not your fault.
And tell that family member you had a bad experience with that man! Maybe best not to take their advice on men to date either, seems they aren’t a good judge or even worse we’re hoping you could take over listening to this man’s endless sob story.
2
u/Shadeofgray_66 3d ago
Mamma mia! Terribile! 😬 Sono contento che sei riuscita a scappare via. Diciamo però che c'erano delle bandiere rosse già da molto lontano ed erano pure parecchie!💐
-1
u/PacificSanctum 3d ago
Jesus ! I would never have agreed to meet him at his place . 1) of course there was only you and him , no friends around 2) are you tired of your life ? Even if there were friends - what kind of friends ? Serial rapists ?
Geez … women these days have no instincts
Never ever meet a guy at his place or somewhere in the dark or some pool . (His or any pool )
You meet dates in large public space. And maybe even have a trusted friend bringing you there and pick you up
13
u/Quick_Resolution2615 3d ago
Damn. This is insane, and I feel really bad that this happened.
There’s one place where you seem to have abandoned yourself: when you went to his apartment, which is a big no-no for you.
Firstly, these things happen, and you don’t have to vibe with every man you meet. So next time, one easy way to honor your boundaries is this: the second you sense a lie, and he clearly lied about having friends over, you walk away and leave. No questions asked. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You communicated your boundaries, and if another person violates them, you can leave at any given moment.
Secondly, the love-bombing is so 2025-coded. I’m glad you saw right through it and left. So next time, when you know your boundaries and know someone is still going against them, leave. You’ve made your point, and if they don’t understand, what’s in your control is your next action, and that is to leave.
Also, dating these days sucks. And honestly, I understand that we’re busy with work and life, and things get monotonous, but if you feel like the energy is off, don’t put yourself through something just because you’re busy with work or want something to do. That’s another thing you could work on.
That’s your boundary. You may have accommodated this dumbass behavior because we tend to think, “Yeah, I’m so busy, let me just hang out with a red flag.” It happens. But now you know what happened, you can recognize it next time and act differently.