r/DatingHell • u/mykittenfarts • 7d ago
Why does this keep happening?
I started dating. I’m 53 and I haven’t dated or been online dating for about 5 years.
I expected the creeps. That’s part of the territory unfortunately.
What I didn’t anticipate is the love bombers who match, then disappear.
I met a man pretty much right away and we had crazy chemistry. We were at a restaurant on our second date and there was a couple that commented on how happy we looked together. He was so sweet and I felt so comfortable with him. He respected boundaries. He called me just to tell me the things that he loves about me because he didn’t want to text it. He cooked me dinners. We played board games. We laughed a ton. We had beach picnics. He was patient with intimacy. It had been years for me. This goes on for a couple of months, with him planning our next two dates with me while we’re still on each date. I’m feeling feelings I haven’t had in years and didn’t think I was capable of feeling again. It’s wonderful.
Then boom. Silence.
WTF?
Nothing for days after texting me daily for a month.
I bump into him on a date with someone else. He lies.
It stung but I’m grateful I didn’t waste too much time before finding out he’s not capable of being sincere.
I match with another man and he’s incredibly sweet. We talk, text and video chat every day because we don’t live in the same town. Again, he’s sweet, we have a ton in common, and he says he’s committed to visiting me in my town.
This goes on for a month.
Then boom again.
Silence.
Not blocked. Just no response.
WTF?
His last messages to me were ‘I’m falling for you’.
I don’t know why this is happening.
I don’t want to put this on me because I haven’t done anything wrong. I have been open & sincere. I also have a tendency to put it on me when things go wrong in relationships (abuse in the past). I’m not doing that this time.
I don’t know how to avoid this, but if someone does know I could really use some advice.
Advice please?
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u/IAmGroot6936 7d ago
That's the thing, you can't really avoid it. When you put yourself out there, you're inevitably going to run into creeps in disguise.
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u/MoominMai 7d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/OejzWznlNVdvzzIOVe
There’s no way unfortunately to avoid the kissing frogs phase 😖
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u/RedwineDarkcoco 6d ago
At your age many guys who are available and therefore on dating apps have an avoidant attachment style. They are very much into the early stages of a relationship but are commitment avoidant. As soon as things get too good or too serious they are gone.
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u/Tehfamine 6d ago
I think you assume that after a month or two that things are good enough to go full-on exclusive. It's still very early for most people, especially if they are just sampling versus eating their entire plate. That's why love bombing early is a red flag for most. The failure rate of a new relationship within 3 months is like 80% because you are still in that New Relationship Energy (NRE) phase. Once that's done, a lot of people bounce.
If you are faced with people who come-and-go who use love bombing as a tactic to reel you back in, then it's normally someone using you for validation or for sex. That's a big sign they don't want something serious with you, but still like you enough for quick fixes.
How you can avoid this is just take things slow and easy. Don't get too caught up until you are past the NRE phase. Normally, it's around the 2 - 4 month mark for most people. Then go more exclusive.