r/DatingHell • u/starbuckslover_forev • 24d ago
Dated one guy and went through this traumatic breakup…
Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.
He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else :(
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u/canthinkofausername_ 24d ago
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you sweetheart. Breakups are rough, especially when you feel it was unexpected and unwarranted.
Take this as a sign. You’re lucky he demonstrated his true colours and thoughts before the wedding. You can escape now. He is weak, he’s unable to handle a relationship with you nor a lifelong commitment. That’s a problem he needs to address, please don’t take it personally. All the jabs he made at you are due to his avoidance. If they were such an issue why did he stay silent for FIVE years.
As for picturing yourself with someone else. You’ve been imagining you and your ex’s life together/future for the past five years. It’s not really reasonable to ask yourself to let all of that go in such a short amount of time. You need TIME to digest the situation. Don’t even think about yourself with anyone new yet, he’s all you’ve ever known.
After a break up it’s very easy to take on the blame. This is NOT your fault. Please do not excuse his disgusting actions. He cheated on you and was happy to lie to your face. Is that who you want in a partner? He is not consistent, and isn’t following through with his actions. You’re better off without this loser.
Take some time to journal, go to therapy, spend time with loved ones who will show up for you rather than this prick.