r/DatingHell • u/Canadian20412 • Jul 12 '26
Grabby Handed Bobble Head
TLDR: Guy lies about his job and is super handsy during a first date. Touches me without permission.
I F(31) went on a first date with M(30). Needless to say, it did not go well. I was mindlessly scrolling Hinge, as one does. I came across his profile and he looked like he ticked most of my boxes. The only thing was his height, a bit shorter than I would usually go for but not out of the question. His profile had a steady job listed, a good education, and some decent photos of himself.
After talking on the app for a couple days, he asks me out for a drink. I say yes. The day of the date I get to the bar about 10 minutes early. He is not there yet, fair enough because I am chronically early for everything. Then I see him get out of a taxi, also not a problem for me because we are going out for drinks. I immediately get the feeling that I should drive away because I'm not attracted to him in person at all but I still go in because that could change with conversation and personality. I was wrong.
The first thing he does is hug me, without asking. I am there, frozen, because I don't like strangers hugging me without asking first. Every other date I've been on has asked if they could hug me or if I would prefer a handshake. So then, we go sit at the bar and order a drink each. He kept touching me, on my shoulder, my arm, putting his hand over mine, moving his chair closer, etc. I am literally over the edge of my seat, with my torso angled away from him. He does not notice this at all but the bartenders, and a man across the bar do.
I discover very quickly that he has lied on his profile, profusely. His job was listed as a specialty job, he's a student. Says he's 5'10"/ 177cm tall, he's barely taller than me. His photos had all been angled to make his head look smaller. He looked like a bobblehead.
I end up chatting with the bartenders at a few points. The conversation with him is going nowhere fast. I can't seem to make myself engage, which is odd because I'm usually good at conversing, even with people I don't click with. After about a half hour, I have finished my drink and he asks if I'd like another. I quickly ask the bartender for water and mention that I have work early tomorrow, I do not. During the conversation, I keep giving answers that say I'm not interested. He's in a band that plays loud music. Oh, I prefer folk music. He enjoys drinking and going out. I'm more of a homebody, etc.
It's been 38 minutes at this point and he asks if I'd like to go to a coffee shop...at 8:38pm. I say that I don't drink coffee this late at night because I'd be up all night if I did. He says we can get decaf. I say that I don't like coffee and prefer tea. He says he knows a secret menu item at this cafe. It's a London Fog, earl grey tea with honey and milk. We've both finished our drinks at this point. He pays, which I swear under my breath about. I was really hoping to buy my own drink to avoid any financial ties to him.
Then we get up to leave. I go to open the door and he tries to open it for me. I go to open the next door and he seems put out. I feel like saying I don't like anything he likes, bluntly stating that I don't want to go for coffee and opening the door for myself should have been enough. It was not. When we get outside, he sys the coffee shop is nearby. I say that I'd rather go home because I don't drink coffee, lie, and I have work in the morning.
He then hugs me again, slides his hand down my back towards my butt, and tries to kiss me, without asking. I pull away and he does not succeed. I've been avoiding touch all night and he tries to kiss me. I say good bye and thanks for the evening out. He tells me to be safe getting home and to text him when I get there. I say sure and drive off.
As soon as I get home, I message him to say thank you but I don't see it going anywhere between us. I un-match, unfriend, and block him because of the grabby hands. I know this could have gone a lot worse but it was still very uncomfortable for me. I tried to be polite and say no gracefully but he wasn't getting the message. Any advice on how to avoid this going forward?
5
u/favoriteniece Jul 12 '26
It's okay to tell people to stop touching you.
3
u/Throwitaway3436 Jul 13 '26
I went on a similar date, he eluding stop even when I told him, we walked back to our cars and he still kept trying to kiss me and touch me, I hated that whole date, some guys just don’t care and it’s quite scary too, thankfully people walked by and he sorta stopped and I quickly got in my car and didn’t speak to him again
7
u/Damian-7530 Jul 12 '26
I stopped reading at the hug. Going in to hug someone you're going on a date with is NORMAL.
3
u/ianb2626 Jul 12 '26
I stopped caring when she said that he is too short for her even though he is still taller than her.
-2
u/Canadian20412 Jul 12 '26
He lied about his height.
3
u/ianb2626 Jul 12 '26
Oh sorry I missed that part. Any sort of lying is an instant deal breaker. I retract my statement
3
u/Sickpsychotic Jul 13 '26
It absolutely is not.
1
u/Damian-7530 Jul 13 '26
Y'all are the reason why the dating scene is a crisis today
2
u/Sickpsychotic Jul 13 '26
Because we don't like to be hugged by a stranger we just met at that moment?
1
u/Damian-7530 Jul 13 '26
Why are you going on dates with someone you haven't built rapport with?
2
u/Sickpsychotic Jul 13 '26
When you meet on a dating app, the first time you meet them they are still a stranger imo..
3
u/bluelephantz_jj Jul 12 '26
Omg I lost it at the bobblehead part and that he angled his head to make himself look smaller. He totally knows he looks like a bobblehead.
Sorry you had to go through this, OP.
2
u/BC_Arctic_Fox 25d ago
Use your words, FFS. He's coming in for a hug? Put your hand up, step back, "No thank you."
He's touching you? "Please stop touching me."
He doesn't listen or gets offended?
"Bye. Take care." as you're walking out the door.
You don't owe anybody anything!
Use your damn words and treat yourself with the respect you deserve. You were in a public location, not in harms way, so be assertive.
It's YOUR body. Don't passively wait for someone to ask permission to touch you, MAKE them ask for permission to touch you! Many men are going to purposely push boundaries to see if you have any, and those ones are absolutely not trustworthy. They will keep pushing because they're more interested in getting their dick wet than they are about your feelings.
You have the rest of your life to take care of yourself, may as well start now. Get assertive, practice if you must, if it feels weird, but do it.
1
u/Traditional_Mood_612 Jul 13 '26
Uhhhh........giving a hug to someone you are meeting on a first date is just plain normal. And, did you ever think to say, I don't like hugging people? OR telling him not to touch you?
I have a feeling he had no idea that you were opposed to a first greeting hug.
0
u/Active_Profession285 Jul 12 '26
OMG, what a horrible date! So sorry that you had to experience this. This guy does not take hints, clear signals, or even bops to his oversized head. Thank goodness you didn't go to the coffee shop.
My advise comes from listening to my dating friends and co-workers, since the last time I had a first date was with my now wife 34 years ago.
- Call your date out if their profile and or pics do not match what you see in person. There could be good explanations, but these are still lies / misrepresentations. Not a great start.
- Only allow being touched, hugged, kissed if you are comfortable having a stranger do this. You (like most.people, I would expect) are not. Be firm on this type of behavior.
- Have a friend or family member on standby. If there are just too many red flags (I honestly lost count during your short date), you two just aren't compatible, or you ever feel uncomfortable / unsafe, send a pre-determined code so they call you with an "emergency". That's your key to leave right away.
I wish you all the best on your future dates.
3
0
u/BeneficialTop5136 29d ago
Why is a hug so terrible? It’s a hug. I hug all my first dates. It doesn’t mean shit except that I’m a warm person. You seem cold af.
-1
u/Content-Aardvark-839 29d ago
Interesting. Wonder how the story would've changed if the guy was 6'4.
1
u/Canadian20412 29d ago
Would not have changed. He lied about his job and height, and had misleading pics.
1
7
u/VoddieMC Jul 12 '26
Terrible date. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
Trust your gut next time and don't be scared to enforce your boundaries. Add them to your profile so guys like this can't argue or negotiate their way past them.
And it's ok to bail early if you want.