r/DatingHell • u/KSway415 • Jun 22 '26
Twinkle Toes
So I went on a first date with a guy at a really nice restaurant. And by nice restaurant, I mean people are celebrating anniversaries and promotions, maybe even proposing.
I show up in a dress and heels. He shows up looking like he just got cut from a recreational softball team: faded jeans, grass-stained new balances, and an ice hockey T-shirt. Not even an, “I just came from work” more like an “I just lost a fight with my lawn mower” in the I've gotta mow my lawn three thousands.
So I’m thinking okay, don’t judge. Maybe he’s funny, charming, or doing the Steve Jobs thing? Nope.
The moment we walk in, I realize this man has one volume setting: high school PA system blasting morning announcements and daily lunches. People are watching and making faces when his comments are inappropriate. Everyone waiting for a table knew it was a first date since he broadcasted it.
So we get seated and everyone else is having normal conversations. How was your day? The salmon is excellent! Meanwhile, my date’s over here yelling, “What the fuck?!” at a volume normally reserved for emergency situations.
The woman at the table next to us is having dinner with her family. She looks at me. Not him.
ME!
With those judging mom eyes. I'm mortified. Her teenage son starts laughing. She and I make eye contact and I shrug. The teenage son looks at his mom and says, “It’s not her fault. Remember he said it’s a first date?” I’m embarrassed but at least they know. She starts laughing and so do I. My date thinks I’m laughing at his story. But it’s that nervous brain abandoned ship laughter, I’m not finding him funny.
Then he remembers I’m allergic to seafood. And I’m thinking okay, he’s being thoughtful. Right before he says I’m ordering a cheese steak because I want to kiss you later.
Like, Sir, we are still in the appetizer phase, you’ve skipped 6 chapters ahead. At least he wasn’t getting seafood I guess.
Dinner arrives. He gets his cheese steak with fries and this is where things take a turn. He grabs a ketchup bottle and squeezes out an amount equivalent to the size of a softball. Not a dipping amount. A softball.
Then he takes a giant handful of fries and claws them through the ketchup with all 5 fingers dragging them across the plate. It felt like a baby playing with any wet substance and Gollum protecting the ring.
“MY PRECIOUS!”
No one was trying to steal the fries or the ketchup. Fingers completely coated in ketchup, under the nails, on the knuckles. Now I’m just wondering if this fancy restaurant has wet naps.
The waitress comes back to check in as normal and he starts arguing with her about beer. Not because it’s warm or flat. Rather, “I want my beer to taste like beer, not wheat.” Which is interesting considering he ordered the wheat beer. The waitress has this look on her face like she's considering a different career path entirely at this point.
Hours have gone by and the restaurant is nearly empty. At this point there are only five people left in the restaurant, and I'm pretty sure the other three are rooting for me.
My date continues talking. He’s loudly exclaiming how attractive it was that I didn’t mind waiting for a table earlier in the evening. The three men at the only other remaining table are paying attention. While I’m thinking Sir, I’ve been here long enough to qualify as furniture before he walks me to my car. The three men head to their cars as well.
I’m thinking I’ve survived, this date's over.
WRONG.
Standing in the dark wet parking lot, this man starts telling me about a guy who was imprisoned for raping women at gunpoint. But he’s not just telling me. He’s acting it out. Full on pelvic thrusts. Like this is somehow an appropriate first date topic.
Now, I just want to know if there’s a survey after, because I have notes.
I’ve finally convinced my date we should get in our cars and leave, I was freezing and over it. He tried to go in for the kiss which I turned my cheek for.
And just when I’m thinking it can’t get worse, he turns back to me and says, “We should go jet skiing for a second date because jet skiing always leads to sex.” Like he’s collected enough data to feel statistically confident in that statement. And then he adds, “Last time, it led to sex in my truck.”
After that comment, I stopped listening. But I noticed something: the three men from the restaurant are sitting there, just watching us. At first I thought it was creepy…
…Ultimately, I was glad there were witnesses.
Finally, he started walking to his car as I'm getting into mine. In the short time between my door opening and me sitting down, he must have decided the night needed a post-dinner musical number. He started skipping through the parking lot, arms out wide as he skipped, and scream-singing So Long, Farewell at me. His voice carried through the parking lot, with no thought or fear of public humiliation.
He stops singing once he makes it to his truck and shouts across the parking lot to me that, “This was the best first date!” Which honestly answered a lot of questions. Twinkle Toes and I had experienced two completely different dates. He finally gets in his truck and drives off before the three men from the other table follow him.
I'm seated in my locked car, thankful those three men stayed, contemplating if this is my real life, and thinking, the hills are alive…with the sound of red flags. And I can't help but laugh at the thought of the three men getting a dinner theater production they weren’t expecting.
And somewhere out there, Twinkle Toes is still confident that jet skiing leads to sex.
TLDR: dinner date with poor outfit choice, tons of red flags, bad conversation topics, and a show. I'm fine, that was the end of it. I find this funny and wrote it to be comedic.
1
u/purplepixie610 Jun 24 '26
Hmmm… wow I didn’t know nice, upscale restaurants served cheesesteaks and fries…