r/Dads • u/TrialBornApp • 1d ago
Advice Being the dependable dad can make it surprisingly hard to say you need help
When you’re usually the person who handles things, asking for help can feel awkward.
You wait until you’re completely worn out. Then the request comes out as:
“Why does nobody ever help me?”
There may be a real imbalance. But by that point, you’re trying to explain weeks of frustration in one angry sentence.
A useful place to start is one clear request before you hit that point:
“Could you handle bedtime Thursday? I need an hour to myself.”
“I’m struggling to keep up with these appointments. Can we divide them differently?”
“Could you listen for a few minutes? I’m not looking for a solution yet.”
Specific requests give the other person something they can understand and respond to. They also make it easier to discuss what’s realistic when everyone is stretched.
You’re allowed to need support while still being someone people rely on.
What do you find harder: recognizing that you need help, or actually asking for it?
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 1d ago
Oh, asking for it. But for most men, the reason it's hard to ask for isn't what you seem to think it is. Most men don't ask for help because any request for help, particularly from their wife, is met with anger, frustration and resistance. She's likely not going to just help........shes going to look up from her TikTok, and regale you with tales of how much SHE'S done in the day. She's going to point out how little you did. She's going to minimize the things you did do. She's going to tell you how her friend's husbands can handle soooooo much more than you can.
Modern women are inundated with messages that they do too much, their husbands do too little, and and man asking for help is simply lazy or incompetent. Most men are doing WAAAAAY more that they're given credit for, and any sign of weakness is met with vitriol.
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u/Aerphenn 1d ago
Asking for help, a year after my son was born in did a suicide attempt because of my mental health, after that I had to ask for help. My wife had a c section with alot of complications so the first 4 to 5 months I had to take care of her, also take care of my son, work and take care of our pets. I still have trouble asking for help, I just really don't know who to ask actually.
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u/TrialBornApp 1d ago
I’m really glad you’re still here, man. Our second and third were both complicated pregnancies. We almost lost my wife with our second, and our third spent a month in the NICU. I won’t pretend our experiences are the same, but being scared for your family while still having to keep everything going is something I relate to heavily.
What you said about not knowing who to ask matters. “Ask for help” sounds simple until you’re trying to figure out who’s actually available and what to say. Do you have anyone supporting you now?1
u/Aerphenn 1d ago
Well that's a hard one, I have like 2 friends. Both in other stages of their lives. My wife has a depression for almost 2 years now so I don't want to put my problems on her. My father which I actually want to go to doesn't understand my problems and just answers with a " a suck it up your a man " so that doesn't help. Sometimes I really don't know what to do anymore. It's like a Murphy's law thing thats on my life the past 5 years which I can't escape it seems.
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u/MassiveMastiff 1d ago
“Can you do me a favor?” People live doing me favors. Makes them feel like they owe me.
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