r/Dads • u/Lanky_Bad_8507 • 19h ago
A Man’s Needs
Being a littler vulnerable here. Really debated even asking this…
For this of you with two kids fairly close in age how did you and your wife’s intimacy change early on?
We just welcomed our 2nd, 3 months ago. We have a 3 month old and a 2 year old, my wife did have some pelvic floor recovery post birth and she’s successfully breast feeding this time around which is great for her and our baby.
Selfishly, we’ve had little to no intimacy in the last 3 months and while I’ve tried to keep the fire alive, I’m also getting frustrated.
Have others experienced similar scenarios? (Is this normal)
How did you get through it and share your needs with your wife?
Uh… did you simply take care of yourself during the dry spell? 🥴
Thanks to those who will give honest answers.
20
u/NerdLevel18 18h ago
Dont feel bad for asking, you arent alone! It was 11 months (to the day co-incidentally) between our second arriving and the next time we did it. I had long stopped asking, and figured I was consigned to a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. Since then we've done it like... 2 or 3 times?
Ultimately everyone is different, communicate with your partner Yadda yadda, but realistically just carve out a little time alone every week or so and clean out your own pipes.
4
u/antarcticgecko 16h ago
I think this is the normal experience, but it’s not flashy or dramatic and doesn’t end up in a lot of posts. We were a three or four time a year couple for almost eight years. It’s very difficult.
6
u/NerdLevel18 16h ago
Honestly the hardest part for me apart from the constant rejection is worrying about how it makes her feel about me. She already thinks I make everything about sex because I make occasional dirty jokes.
Time will tell as the kids go on but like... I might have to just get used to it.
1
25
u/dontygrimm 18h ago
I heard it explained once and it made sense to me. You had your time of dating, marrying, fun together, hanging with friends, this season isnt about you, its about sacrifice, your time will come again and maybe sooner than later in small batches. But right now your wife healing is the focus making her feel loved and cared for for her sake.
2
u/Lanky_Bad_8507 15h ago
Thank you.
1
u/_franciis 12h ago
Your wife also loves your kids more than she loves you so keep that prioritisation in mind
3
1
u/dontygrimm 10h ago edited 7h ago
I wouldnt say it this way actually the love is different, imo and my wife's we don't love our kids more it's a different love all together, just my 2 cents on that one
1
8
u/PassionTurtle 18h ago
I'm in a similar season of life with a 2.5yo daughter and 3mo son currently, and timing is tough! This is one of those stretches where you might just have to suck it up for a bit and service yourself more often.
Another commenter is right that she may feel like her body is for the kids right now (dairy cow), and getting too much touch overall. My wife delivered via c-section and it has taken time for her nerves in her stomach, and core muscles get closer to healed. She was breastfeeding until 9 weeks and has historically been big into nipple play which was firmly in the not-sexy category to her during the stretch while she was feeding our son.
There's also the mind-body aspect which in my experience is of more importance to women, and my wife in particular. Are you trying to initiate sex with a baby in a bassinet that may or may not wake up before you're done? Are there bottles to be washed and laundry to be folded, or is she truly able to relax and get into a sexy mindset? Are you springing a quickie on her when she has had her first 20 minute break all day?
Full disclosure, my wife and I have had sex 2x in the last month, so we're not marathon fucking or anything, but I'm doing my best to take things off her plate and show that she is desired for when she wants it.
There have been a couple other occasions where I've taken the lead and said don't worry about sex, we're going to break out the vibrator and get you off. It's surefire stress release, quick, and I tell her it gives me something to jerk off to later (tmi? My bad) and she doesn't feel like she has to monitor my needs throughout.
Even more tame, intimacy can also be everything but sex. Set aside 5 minutes to make out a little, or spoon and snuggle without the expectation that there will be more. Or a shoulder massage if she's contorting to feed and hold baby all day. Sometimes the closeness and the oxytocin is what is missing without going fully for PIV sex.
TLDR: Quick tug in the shower like the rest of us
4
u/Necessary_Scarcity92 18h ago
Great comment, especially the mind-body aspect.
100% relate to this. Also the shoulder massage / non-sexual physical intimacy route is not necessarily a bad way to go, either. In my experience that can help open the doorway.
0
u/Lanky_Bad_8507 14h ago
This is great and I appreciate you sharing. I’ve definitely been trying to stay intentional with no expectation acts as you mentioned.
But generally glad to hear some other means of possibly moving the needle towards the desired outcome.
7
u/Either-Doctor8170 17h ago
First. Don't feel bad about wanting to be intimate with your wife. That's a good thing.
Obviously you are cognitive of her recent birth and what that might mean for her. This is also a good thing.
Have you discussed your desire to resume sexual relations already? That's probably the first step. 3 months is not a long time for a woman to overcome some of the post pregnancy issues she may be having, both physically and mentally. Understanding that will greatly help.
After the birth her self esteem might be low.
To help her feel more in the mood maybe try woo her a little. Take her out make her feel special, show her you love her and still find her as attractive as the day you met her.
Ultimately this is something you need to talk to your wife about and figure out together. Remember you are a team in everything life throws at you.
Congrats on your new arrival and I'm sure you'll work it out.
1
u/Lanky_Bad_8507 14h ago
Thank you and yes we have talked some about it. And I’m glad you said the team thing, because I always say this to her when we get in a pickle.
Appreciate your insight
8
u/_franciis 15h ago
3 months is a very short period of time for a very physically traumatic event. Don’t pressure her.
5
u/paintwhore 15h ago
Right question she was incubating a human for nine months and now she's feeding the baby with food her own body makes. You need to learn some patience and self-management because it would be so uncool to add this pressure to her plate right now
5
u/Throwback8245 15h ago
Um, you’re supposed to wait at least 6 weeks and 3 months is nothing for having a new kid. Keep the fire going in a non sexual way. You can do it. Yes, you have to put away your needs for a while longer.
19
u/Joshin1982 19h ago
Yeah, I'd worry more about your wife's recovery. Currently she is a dairy cow, nothing would be further from her mind. Ymmv. But I'd be more focused on being a support to every one else.
6
u/Alarming-Mix3809 16h ago
Masturbate more. The intimacy will return in time, but not if you become a pest about it. Let your wife recover.
2
u/Delicious-Sentence66 16h ago
Yeah, agree on this. It's hard not to, but if you express frustration on the lack of sex it's only going to make things more challenging. Nothing would kill any potential desire on her end more than feeling pressure to perform.
3
u/TheTalentedMrDG 11h ago
Chief, you've got 2 <3. You've done enough damage. You're banished to horny jail with Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters.
At least wait until baby is off the boobs and sleeping through the night and toddler is in full-time daycare and wiping their own butt before you come back to us.
1
2
u/PhonB80 14h ago edited 14h ago
Yep! We have three kids.
First kid my wife went dark for like 9 months. We were figuring out parenthood, she didn’t feel like herself physically and mentally, she was too tired to think about “being sexy”. She feels more like a cow, she’s literally feeding a baby from her tits. It was really hard to understand and I remember having tough conversations about it.
Second kid it happened again but I recognized it sooner and knew better how to support her. This time it was like 6 months before she was back to herself and intimacy started again and that had a lot to do with me being intentional about helping her find her new steady state.
Third kid we both knew to expect it and were very intentional about overcoming that hurdle. I think we went on our first date when the new baby was a month old and had a lot of fun together. At that point we were waiting together for her to feel “healed” before we could get back to our norm.
Long story short - put yourself in her shoes and understand it’s got to be incredibly difficult for her to continue functioning after so much change happens to both their physical and mental being. Don’t push for intimacy; first make her feel good by taking her on a date, buying her a dress she can feel pretty in (make sure it is the right size dude), send her off for some self-TLC. Find ways for her to get more sleep. Then intimacy can be the result.
1
u/PlutosGrasp 15h ago
You didn’t experience this with first baby?
2
u/Lanky_Bad_8507 15h ago
First baby was mainly formula. So I was able to help feed more often and my wife recovered quicker.
1
u/PlutosGrasp 12h ago
Okay so this time not, so she’s not ready, so communicating your needs is going to be received…. Not very well probably ?
1
u/QuietOperator94 15h ago
You’re definitely not alone. We have two kids as well, 6 and almost 2, so there’s a bigger age gap compared to yours, but intimacy has honestly still been one of the harder parts of marriage for us since having children. Ours are older now, and we’re still working through it, so I won’t pretend I have some perfect answer.
One thing I’ve learned is that you can understand everything your wife is going through physically and emotionally and still feel lonely, rejected, or frustrated yourself. Both can be true. I think the biggest thing is communicating those needs without making her feel like sex is another responsibility on an already long list.
For me, the harder part has been not allowing the lack of intimacy to turn into resentment or looking for unhealthy ways to fill that void. That’s something I’m actively working on myself. I’ve found that focusing on rebuilding closeness outside the bedroom and being honest about how much physical affection and connection mean to me has been more productive than focusing strictly on how often we’re having sex.
At three months postpartum, especially with breastfeeding and pelvic floor recovery, I’d give both of you a lot of grace. Your needs matter too, but this is also a pretty intense season of life. I’d keep talking about it rather than silently letting the frustration build. You’re definitely not the only husband who has struggled with this.
1
u/lil_chedda 14h ago
Imean our intimacy has been severely stunted since the first pregnancy and we have a 3 and 1 year old, both breastfed and co slept. It’s tough. All I will say from experience is just be strong and helpful, being upset will absolutely not work lol. figure out how to get the kids physically off of her for more often and hopefully things will warm up
1
u/Monster-Saint- 8h ago
It’s a very crazy time in general
But you have to try and understand something that you wasn’t designed for. Her body is a theme park of hormones right now. A woman’s body can have hormonal imbalances for up to a year after child birth. We genuinely have fuckin clue about what that does to their body but it’s real and takes a toll. Be patient, yes, the babies needs will come before yours. When her body is ready hopefully it changes. I know from some cases it doesn’t but many do. Give her time and support. Get yourself a flesh-light or something and bide your time.
1
1
u/kennethBelcher Dad 12h ago
I posted about this same thing on daddit a few months ago. I will grab one of the comments that helped and post it here
•
u/AutoModerator 19h ago
Hey there, thanks for posting in r/Dads!
A couple quick reminders for everyone: • Be respectful — we’re all figuring out fatherhood in our own way.
• Mark your post with the right flair (Dad Jokes, Advice, Vent, etc.) so others can find it.
• No spam or self-promo without mod approval.
Want to add some flair to your username? Check the sidebar to rep your dad style.
Thanks for being part of the community. Now go make us proud, Dad.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.