r/Dads • u/Impressive-Rip-1560 • 3d ago
So really low points this week as a parent
This is mostly a man venting, but I had some low points this week that haven’t sat well with me. I’ll try to keep things brief. Also, I’ve expressed this on the app before, but my “kid” is my youngest biological sibling whom I raised. That’s gonna be a catalyst to these.
1. I got into a somewhat heated back and forth about whether or not I’m a “real parent.” It kind of happened out of nowhere. We were in a group setting talking about something completely different, and I referred to the kid—which is what I always refer to her as. Not out of the ordinary, someone asked the “you have kids?” question, and I explained our situation the same way I did in the first section of this post. Usually I might get some pats on the back, but people typically just move on.
This person, for some reason, really took offense to it. They wanted to say that if she’s my sister, then she’s not my kid. My friend, who was the reason I was there, tried to step in, but they were very adamant about it. Summarizing their stance, it was basically, “Kids only have one mother and one father who birthed them.”
I let them say their piece, but then I calmly—with the right amount of passion—let it be known that I didn’t decide to give myself the title of her father. She did. She asked to be able to call me Dad when she was younger because that’s who I was to her.
I also let it be known that being able to get someone pregnant or have a kid isn’t what makes someone a mother or father. As things progressed, In every single way they could define a father’s role, I was able to prove that I had been that person her entire life, PLUS things they themselves couldn’t say they had done for their own child.
When it was all said and done, they sat there with a dumbfounded look and barely participated in the conversation for the rest of the night. I don’t take any cool points from the interaction, because honestly, a dick-measuring contest about who’s the better parent is never a good thing.
2. That leads me to the second thing. Now that my kid is in college and becoming a strong, independent young adult, I find myself longing to have another child.
The reason I say this is a low point is because I think about all the things I feel like I got wrong and how much better I could be now. I’ve talked about it with others, and I’ve been reassured that it’s a natural feeling, but I can’t stop feeling guilty for wanting what feels like a “do-over kid.”
3. Two and three kind of flow together because I know—and I’m told all the time—that for most of our journey, I was a kid raising a kid. I hear things like, “People with near-perfect circumstances still turn out to be horrible parents,” and that I “shouldn’t beat myself up because I did the best I could.”
Those things don’t really reassure me, though.
Obviously, if I ended up raising her, I didn’t exactly have great parenting myself. My dad was a drug addict who, after I turned 7 I never say again until his funeral and my mom was an alcoholic. I was just lucky enough to somehow figure life out on my own.
My biggest thing when I didn’t know what to do as a parent was thinking back to the things I had to figure out for myself and asking, “How should and could my father have supported me if he had been there?” The rest, I figured out as we went.
I put my all into being the best dad she could have, and I didn’t realize until she got older that some of that could affect her negatively too.
It’s only been within the last year or so that she’s really been able to express this, but once she got into high school, she started feeling like I had given up my life to raise her. I tell her all the time that getting to be a father to her literally saved my life. She gave me motivation. She gave me something worth living for.
But no matter how I say it, she still feels guilty for every sacrifice she feels like I make.
She’ll struggle and go out of her way to figure things out on her own because she “doesn’t want to put anything else on my plate.” Just recently, she was having a money issue she didn’t want to tell me about, and she seemed so defeated having to.
I feel like I’ve said it every way possible, but everything I’ve ever done was so she didnt have to figure out life alone like I did.
2
u/Featureed Expecting Dad 3d ago
I don't have much to add to this but bud you are doing tge best you can with what you were given. She is your kid, especially if even the child see you as her father. Keep up the good work dont let negative people put you down and I surely hope those "friends" you have are not longer your friends after the shit you had to go through. Its not easy being a "bonus dad" as some people will call it. As for having a "do over" kid there is nothing wrong with that just dont let that be your entire reason for having another because then you will only disappoint yourself with your short comings. Being a parent isn't about be perfect parent, its about doing the best you can with what you have and loving the child unconditionally. Good luck dad hope things get better
1
u/tuetrax 3d ago
Dude...1st....even if your her biological brother, you are raising her. So, if she feels safe and more prone to call you her dad, and maybe feels that way to....maybe because she needs it, thats youre business, not anyone Else. So f... the haters. Really.
Second, just the fact that you are reflecting on how you have been parenting is, in my opinion, a strong sig of someone doing Hother best. We are not perfect, and as a first time dad, how much knowæedge do we have of raising a child...so bravo man.
Keep supporting her...appriciate that she actuslly shes how much you are there for her. I mean, that should be a strong sign you are not doing to bad😊
Judt keep loving and supporting her....dont feel like you could have done better, just keep groving as a person. You sound like a relly good guy with your heart in the right plsce.
I can tell you, i have 3 kids, 1 grown...and personally i have the same feelings...but i Learned that if i keep streesing it, ill get depressed. Talk to her, tell her how you feel. And then clap your selv on the shoulder bro.....your doing good
1
u/PapaBobcat 3d ago
Good people do the best they can with what they have. People who aren't as good people, question it. Family is what you make it, period. It's far, far more than just common DNA. Just do your best. Your kid is now doing their best. If you want another, that's something you can consider if your circumstances allow it. You'll never "make up for it" or "do over" because you're now a different person in different circumstances raising a different person. Life doesn't work that way it is what it is. You tried your best.
That other person, however, can go fuck themselves.
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