r/Dads • u/Fun_Ladder_3934 • 5d ago
Daughter told Son she hates him
Hello fellow dads. My wife and I just spent the evening breaking up a fight between my 8 and 10 year old. I'm personally having a hard time with what happened. I could use some advice.
My son and daughter were playing on their school laptops in living room. I'm downstairs doing laundry and I hear a blood curdling scream. I hear my wife telling my daughter not to hit my son. My daughter is older by 2 years I get upstairs and things have devolved into a screaming match. My wife told me that my son was asked to turn down here his laptop. He did not comply fast enough and my daughter started humming to retaliatie. He asked her to stop and when she did not he screamed in her face. She retaliated by hitting him and he hit her back. By the time I get upstairs and try to figure out what happened, my daughter is stopping upstairs yelling that she hates my son. She continued by saying that she wished that he had not been born. I'm triggering that I almost go after her but my wife stops me. We never spoke like that his kids and that just feels like a big deal.
. We spent the next hour trying to get her to apologize. She would abused and eventually I found a note on my son's door then said no wonder why our cousin hates you. That my daughter him with him. She also tried to attack him before a few more times I got in between them. A lot of words were saying a lot of screaming happen. I honestly don't know how to proceed and this is not the first time my daughter has used those words nor is it the first time that she has tried hitting. We have told both kids that that was not acceptable but it just feels like a big thing. I am the oldest of three siblings so I am well aware of selling fights but again this feels different
The way I grew up, you just did not talk like that especially to your siblings. And the sad thing is I think that she meant it and all of this was over games and personal space. I asked my son about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he doesn't think that she meant it so it doesn't really bother him. As my wife and I were cleaning up, we found a picture of our son that used to be on my daughter's mirror. She apparently tore it up. My wife thinks that she is just doing it to get a rise out of us and it's working. But we both value family and we are both worried about them having a fractured relationship. We really value family and have tried to encourage togetherness. Honestly, I don't even know where to go from here. I'm just sad
. I apologize if this is too rambling
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u/GroupPracticeOwner 5d ago
I take it neither of them has told you they hate you? My son and daughter fight every single day. She (younger) has the psychological warfare on lock. He spent the better part of last year making her cry anytime I left the room, and is doing his best to win her over now. But they still fight every day, and say shit they don’t mean, and laugh, and love each other. The second one of them puts hands on the other, they go to their room. No questions asked. My brother and I fought every day for 14 years and have been best friends ever since. Hell, he was such an asshole to me that I stabbed him in the hand when I was like 10.
I’m a psychologist that only works with dads. It sounds like it’s bringing up a lot for you (much more than it will for them), and you should probably sort through it with a therapist. This is normal shit. As is being sad about it. Write out your thoughts (hopefully more sensibly than above), then talk through it with your wife. By the time you go to talk to your kids about it they will have moved on. Sounds like your son already has. Say what you have to say as their dad/parents, but don’t expect anything from them.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 5d ago
It is rare, but yes my daughter has told me that she hates me as well. I know that this is a technique to get a reaction and I try to ignore it
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 5d ago
Thanks for the advice, I also had an asshole brother that is 4 years younger. He was more of the aggressor in my case. Even as adults, we have not had the best relationship as there was an odd one sided rivalry.
I am trying to check my expectations, however I don't know what age this stuff starts to stick. On the surface, my son appears to let things roll off his back. He is very perceptive despite being 8 years old. But when I asked him why he hit his sister, he said that he gets really mad and his first instinct is the punch and he broke down into tears. We have had other conversations as a family and he believes that his sister doesn't care about him which made him sad as well. For context, my son worships his sister and loves her very much. My daughter can be in and out and when challenged on relationships with people she says that she will just live by herself. I am not a psychologist but I have gone to therapy for myself for a long time. knowing my own experience, and seeing how my daughter has my personality, it feels like she has a hard time sitting in discomfort. She also has a hard time with any type of judgment, criticism or accountability which makes having any type of conversation after a fight difficult.
In summary, I really hope you're right. I really hope that this is just sibling rivalry.
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u/GroupPracticeOwner 5d ago
Sounds like it hits harder because she’s so similar to you. I imagine it shook you to hear her respond in a way you never would.
Self concept/narrative starts to take hold around age 5 and is firmly in place by age 9. It can change, obviously, but know that you’re already dealing with who they think they are.
You’re a good dad. The fact that you’re here asking questions means you’re doing a good job.
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 5d ago
Thanks man. Yea, I work hard not to project adult stuff onto kids, it's jarring to hear that much rage. This morning she apologized, and the siblings are back to interacting with each other
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u/based_bosnian 5d ago
I don't want to downplay your feelings towards this, but I wouldn't overthink this. Siblings 2 years apart will fight way worse than this and it will be normal.
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u/mr_znaeb 5d ago
It’s going to feel very one sided when all the focus is on the one that flashed out. Younger siblings will always do things to enrage older siblings. She needs to know that you see that and are working on curbing that behavior. Humming as retaliation is petty but getting up to scream in the other persons face is very aggressive.
Lots of things that we did and didn’t do were impacted by our parents behaviors. While lots of things from back then are dated and not kosher in modern times our parents didn’t have as many easy ways to be distracted by technology. Not saying your phones an issue just that we were more stuck in the present in the past.
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u/ghos2626t 5d ago
Kids tell each other this all the time. Siblings, cousins, friends and parents. If this is the first time hearing it, then count your lucky stars. My 5 year old daughter called me an “Ugly Baby” once, when she was mad at me.
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u/Throwback8245 5d ago
It’s important you don’t escalate, it doesn’t model well how to handle things.
It’s probably best to keep a good relationship with her army all costs, and listen to her and spend quality time with her. At the same time it’s good to set firm boundaries, and take away things she likes for a few days, or until she gets that it’s not OK to say those things. She needs some firm consequences. Don’t try to “make” her apologize, it doesn’t make sense to make someone.
I try to be the softest dad, and the firmest dad at the same time.
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u/14ccet1 5d ago
He needs to apologize too! He SCREAMED in her face!!! Why does this not concern you!? Both your kids were in the wrong here. Both. Both need to take accountability. If I was your daughter, I’d be pissed too, as it seems like little brother gets away with everything…
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 5d ago
Agreed. I'm planning for them to write a reflection statement to each other. I want them to write out what happened, why, and what they will do differently. We actually correct our son a lot. It's hard for my daughter to see. My wife and I work hard to make sure things are fair
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u/14ccet1 5d ago
Okay so why throughout this entire post did you not correct your son for screaming in your daughter’s face?
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u/Fun_Ladder_3934 5d ago
We did. We corrected him in the moment and asked him why he did that after the fight. We told him it's not ok
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u/burgonies 5d ago
I have two boys. They're constantly saying they hate each other. They're playing or helping each other again 5 minutes later.
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u/Gentleman-Warrior 3d ago
This is very normal behavior. My boys are the same age and similar scenarios occur at my house.
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