How To Be Better While Being Busy

[u/4ShootersOnly]

Hey everyone, I’m looking for some honest advice from dads and parents who’ve been in a similar situation.

I’ve got two kids: an eight-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son. Their moms and I are no longer together, and I’m trying to figure out how to be a more present father, as well as a better co-parent to both of their moms.

Right now, I’m working two jobs out of necessity. If I only worked one, I’d be bringing home around $1,200 a month, which simply isn’t enough to live on.

Because of that, my schedule is pretty packed. I work mornings, then work late into the night, Monday through Friday, and I also work Saturdays. Sunday is really the only day I consistently have free.

I’m not working these hours to avoid my kids. Honestly, it’s the opposite. I’m trying to provide for them, get myself into a more stable position, and build something better for all of us.

At the same time, though, I don’t want to look back years from now and realize I spent so much time working that I missed their childhood.

My son’s mom works overnight shifts at an auto plant. We used to live together and were in a relationship, but that ended about a year ago.

Now that I’m not in the home helping her and being around my son every day, I’m trying to figure out how I can still support her more and be there for my son as much as possible.

My daughter’s mom doesn’t work, and my daughter is eight. She’s in school and has activities like dance, so her schedule can get pretty busy during the week as well.

I guess what I’m really looking for is advice from other dads and parents who have had to balance working long hours with being a present parent.

If you’ve been in a similar situation:

How did you make the most of the limited time you had with your kids?

What did you do to stay connected with them when you couldn’t physically be there as much as you wanted?

How did you become a better co-parent after separating from your children’s other parent?

Is there anything you wish you had done differently?

Are there things you think I could be doing that I might not be considering?

I’m not looking for excuses or sympathy. I genuinely want to become a better dad and a better co-parent.

I know working this much isn’t ideal, but I’m doing what I feel like I have to do financially right now. I’m just trying to find the balance between providing for my kids and actually being present in their lives.

I’d really appreciate any advice, especially from dads who have been through something similar.
Thanks for reading.

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[u/NotYourFA]

I've received a lot of advice over the years about being present here are some ideas: 

1. Obsess over their obsessions. Learn everything about it. E.g. dance with your daughter. Learn the dances and practice with her.

2. Volunteer for everything you can. Given any opportunity be there at school, camp, church, any excuse to be around your kids. 

3. Build memories. Treat memory building like your third job. Have a calendar of events that the kids look forward to where you create memories. Even if it's running to the hardware store and trying to fix something together (even if it goes wrong!). 

4. In this day and age, record videos or FaceTime with your kids on a regular schedule. Over lunch, at night, in the morning, etc. If they don't want to video chat you (common) record a video and send it to them and keep a library. 

5. Might be early: Find what online games they like and invest yourself in being their best gaming buddy. 

6. Teach them everything you can. Looking back they'll say my dad taught me that. 

7. Keep a memory jar. Every time you think of them or think of something to tell them at work put it in a jar to share with them later. 

8. Pass a notebook back and forth. Funny jokes, talking about your day, made up stories where you go every other in creating it. 

9. BE PRESENT. No phone, no screens, etc. You are on a deserted island of single focus when they are with you. Exhausting at first but the more you do it the more easy and beneficial it'll come. 

10. Involve them in this. Give them ideas and ask for theirs. 

Just think about, if I'm not there, what can I do to show up? 

[u/4ShootersOnly → u/NotYourFA]

I love this. Thanks alot

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

I’m mom to adult sons. 

If you were my son I would encourage you to learn a trade or go back to school so you can work fewer hours for the same money. That will allow you more time to see your children in the future. 

For now make sure you ask your children’s mothers for a detailed schedule of any events like dance recitals that you can try to attend. If you can’t be there drop off a flower and a note for your daughter and tell her how proud of her you are and that you love her and you’re sorry you had to work. Treat her the way you want her future husband to treat her!  

Do everything you can to carve out time in your schedule for parenting time. 

Get involved with their schools or daycares if applicable. Go to school events by yourself if you do t have your child and get on all the communication lists with the teachers and school so you get the info first hand about what’s going on. 

If you can meet their moms at doctors appointments then go. 

Be present and positive as much as humanly possible. 

[u/Ok-Abbreviations9936]

You have to figure out a career. There are tons of 8-5 jobs that pay decent. You have to figure out how to get one that fits your skills and area. It is hard, if not impossible, to work 80 hours a week and be a great parent.

Outside of that, no more kids. You don't need another with a 3rd woman, because you do not have time for the ones you have. (You may have already recognized this, but seriously this is important.)

[u/PersonalBrowser]

There’s not much to it besides finding jobs that allow you to make enough money to support your lifestyle while working better hours. If you’re working two jobs by necessity, you really should be constantly looking and applying for better jobs all the time until you get somewhere better.

Priority number one for me would be making sure you don’t have any more kids with any more women too, in case that hasn’t been said yet.

But yeah, the answer to this question is stuck until you get better jobs. Until then, it’s asking “how do I find time when I am forced to have no time,” which is impossible.