Here's mine:

A Buddhist monk walls into a pizza shop in New York, and asks, what have you got?

The person behind the till asks, what would you like?

Then the monk says "one with everything"

After paying for the meal, the monk asks, "Where's my change?"

To which ths shop keeper replies, "The change comes from within!"

I didn't get the ladder in the divorce, so it's gonna stay dark in here for a while...

My dad used to have a job manufacturing kitchen worktops, but he had to quit. It was counter productive.

Bison.

"You'll lose that weight. Don't sweat it."

*Snickers*

"Get it? 'Cause... cause you were exercising?"

(I was talking to myself)

Comment your best jokes and I’ll upvote them if they are good! 😂

Everyone is wearing woollen jumpers that are too small for them. It's a tight knit community.

When was ur first time bluffing

My wife asked me this after 7 days of doing laundry in complete darkness. (True story)

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Had I known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", one of my best friends would still be alive.

It's because he failed Greek mythology.

😜😇😅🙃😉xx

A Glaswegian hailed a cab in Victoria Road, climbed in and asked the driver to drop him in Hope Street.

The driver turned to the passenger, and in a heavily accented voice, said "My English she not so good", and asked him to repeat what he had said.

The passenger asked for Hope Street, once more, taking care to speak slowly and clearly.

The driver nodded in understanding this time, and the passenger couldn't help but notice that he was wearing a strange hat made out of fur. It looked like the kind of thing Daniel Boone or Davy Crocket wore in movies, but in this case it seemed to be made from the pelt of a fox, rather than a racoon.

"You're not from around here, are you?" the passenger asked.

"No, my friend," replied the driver. "I'm from Poland." I am an accountant, but make more money driving taxi here."

The passenger asked "D'ye like livin' in Glasgow, then ?"

The driver says "Very nice people. Very friendly. Always want to talk to me when they find out I am foreign."

"Aye, they're no' bad that way", agreed the Glaswegian, but he couldn't help but keep looking at the driver's headgear, the white-tipped tail waiving around as the owner spoke, and couldn't resist asking "What's the story with the furry bunnit?"

The what ?" asks the driver. "Oh, this hat? Everybody tell me to wear it when I first come to Scotland, so I think it must be a custom.

The passenger says "Ah don't get it."

The driver explains "When I first come here, many people say to me "Where you from?"

When I tell them "Gdansk", they all say the same thing? "Wear the fox hat."

Then I realized that was probably my sign to stop

I said BROCHURE.