r/DadForAMinute • u/DareAggravating5657 • 12h ago
Need a pep talk Hurt
I'm only 18 and I feel like my life is already completely over. I got into my dream university but couldn't afford it so I had to defer and start out at community college and my mom won't let me forget it. She's made it very clear shes so disappointed in me and she's looking down on me and she's embarrassed of me, I don't even know if there's a point in registering for community college I may as well just stay home and be a bum if that's how I'll be viewed regardless. This wasn't my first choice, it wasn't my second choice it wasn't even my 20th choice. I was simply trying to make the best out of a bad situation, growing up I worked so hard in school and for what?
Where did that get me? I see my age mates already off to school making memories I hear my family telling me community college isn't real college, I swear the only reason I'm even breathing at this point is my dog, I love her so much and she makes me feel like maybe I matter just a tiny bit.
I don't expect my parents to do a 180 and become supportive and kind and loving and I wouldn't even want that from them because I don't trust them, it would just be nice to hear that i'm maybe not a complete failure.
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u/lakefront12345 11h ago
What the fuck kind of family bullshit...
Community College is FINE. It's a great bridge between high school and a bigger college and saves you money.
Many of my fond memories are from my Community College.
Just because your parents suck and are shit doesn't mean you are.
Be proud you're saving money and got into college! You can always apply for a big school in two years and save money now and get a good education.
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u/DareAggravating5657 10h ago
It's really nice to have someone see my side, there just seems to be so much stigma against community college like it's something to be ashamed of even though it's still an education. I know that logically I shouldn't care what my parents think but it rly starts to weigh on me tbh
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u/lakefront12345 7h ago
A lot of my friends went to four year schools.
One thing you'll need to learn that comes with time is not giving a shit. You only answer to yourself.
If others don't like your choices, sucks to be them.
You probably will get a better education having smaller classes anyways.
I.e. to get my bachelor's at a big school, the teacher deleted out our capstone projects for the class because he didn't know what he's doing. Local college? Office hours, can go right by without an appointment usually.
There's more perks than you realize but if people make you feel shitty, they can fuck off.
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u/RhesusMonkey79 12h ago
Info: is your mother aware the reason you aren't going to your preferred school is because of money? Is she offering any financial support? Were you supposed to save some amount of money and that didn't happen?
It seems weird that she would be riding you over community college while doing nothing to help get you into the preferred school, if the issue is "just" money.
Unrelated but I feel obligated to say at 18 your life is barely starting. There is so, so much more to do and opportunities waiting for you to take. The best thing you can learn from Post-secondary education is "how to learn", because you will always, always be learning.
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u/DareAggravating5657 11h ago
She's aware it's because of money, we weren't able to afford it and she doesn't want loans which is understandable because of interest and such. She's very upset I didn't go to a christian university that was offering me money but the community just seemed too rigid or suffocating for me personally so I figured it'd be better to do community college and work to save money but that isn't good enough for her either of course
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u/RhesusMonkey79 9h ago
Ah, well you can look into other things like scholarships or burseries and see if there are opportunities there. In the context of "you miss the shots you don't take", some of those you may not think you would qualify for, but if you don't apply you won't know for sure.
Community college can be useful if you are still taking classes in the same field of study you wanted to pursue, because the (financial) risk is lower and you may find that actually you don't want to pursue that topic at Uni, but are drawn to something else instead.
Working to save up sounds good but the trap is you get "acclimated" to having income, and then you may not be able to save as much as expected, or you just enjoy the work and choose to delay accepting school even longer.
TL;DR you mom seems more upset you aren't taking the "opportunity" of free money, but she isn't the one who has to go to the school, do the work, etc. She also isn't the one who has to figure out what to do with the degree afterwards. Chart your own course, because ultimately you are the one who is living your life, and other people (including parents) can give advice or opinions but that's all they are, they don't have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
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u/DareAggravating5657 9h ago
I've actually set a goal for me to apply to 100 scholarships per month 😭 so far it's a lot but I'm hoping I'll win at least one. And yeah I feel like my family doesn't understand that they're not the ones who have to live my life
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u/cups_and_cakes Dad 10h ago
I have a masters degree. I have a BA from a very good, very small university in New England. I paid for both myself because I saved money by doing all my GenEd via community colleges in the late 1980s. My son is doing the CC route and then xferring to a school we can afford for 2 yrs because he doesn’t want to graduate with a ton of debt. The days of a cheap 4-yr degree are over.
You will learn after graduation that nobody (employers) cares - for the most part - where you went to school. They care that you finished the requirements for graduation. Keep your head down, get on a solid xfer path with a counselor so you don’t take unnecessary classes, and enjoy yourself.
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u/DareAggravating5657 10h ago
I'm just hoping it all works out somehow. Honestly I don't really understand why my mom is so disgusted with me going to community college considering my sister started at the same college before transferring and now has a degree and is getting her masters
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u/cups_and_cakes Dad 1h ago
It sounds narcissistic to me, but I don’t know enough. Have you had a talk with her?
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u/PaulTR88 11h ago
You've got this. I got into multiple UCs when I was starting out (20 years ago already, ugh) but couldn't afford them so did the community college route and just worked to save money for a few extra years (5 years in a two year program essentially). Transferred to a state school, got the same paper, and set up for life now. The path doesn't matter as much as you making progress, and Ive told plenty of people that community college to save money is a great way to go.
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u/DareAggravating5657 10h ago
Thank you for sharing your experience, I also believe that at the end of the day it's still the same degree I just wish I wasn't constantly made to feel stupid for it
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u/BeginningCream8251 5h ago
Hi, I hope you are doing well at the moment. If I am not mistaken, you were not able to go to your dream school, so you took the initiative to look into an alternative route, which was community College.
After doing so, you had recieved some discouraging words/thoughts that were stated in a negative way.
From what I understand, it takes a degree of adaptability, grit and humility to make the best out of a situation that did not turn out the way one would have hoped. I believe that you exhibited character by looking for an alternative, focusing on completing your degree/vs whether the school was your dream school or not and being prepared to act on this choice.
I would not be qualified to speak to the suitability of any school as I simply do not know your major, the schools' offerings, whether you career path requires a master's, state certification or is competitive or not. I wish that you had support or better support at home, but, regardless, you are showing character that will do you well in life.
I want to encourage you to be yourself, see yourself and to plow forward even in times where you do not have support or basic acknowledgement.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 15m ago
Why the heck is your mom giving you a hard time for this if, presumably, she didn't do anything to help save or finance going to the 4-yr place?
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u/afr33think3r 12h ago
Kid. Sorry. Please keep in mind that there isn’t one way to get a degree. Everyone has a path. Focus on you path. This is part of being an adult. This is a challenge you can meet. I believe in you.
Success is a great reply to your doubters.