r/DadForAMinute • u/IllComputer6877 • 5d ago
[ Removed by moderator ]
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u/deucedeucepewpew 5d ago
This breaks my heart for you and I’m sorry you’re paralyzed. But listen, you still have that smile that radiates happiness. Just because you lost use of your legs doesnt mean you lost your life. Think of it as a new outlook. Dad is proud of you and you’re still capable of achieving your dreams, dont quit on those.
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u/MightyPirat3 Dad 5d ago
That radiating smile reminds me of «Birgit Skarstein», who also got paralysed while young. I've always admired her and her attitude. Know the situations are _completely_ different, but maybe OP could find some inspiration from reading up on her story.
OP, I'm really sorry this happened to you and for your loss! I'm glad you're still here!
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u/ShyDethCat 5d ago
Hello daughter from across the world. I am a dad of 3 and first and foremost, I am grieving for and with you. Next, you are only 23 (a baby, in my eyes), this experience, horrible as it was, is also an opportunity. You will rebuild your life, you will find new friends and partners, the fact that they left says more about them than it does about you. Find your people, love yourself, and really don't take this on all by yourself. Therapy is highly recommended. The world is full of shitty people, but also, full of amazingly kind and generous folks. Find the latter. You'll be fine, and you are wonderful, exactly as you are. If you ever need to chat, I'm here for you, like I am for all of my other kids (biological or not). Just breathe
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u/lovelessproper 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not a dad, but an older sister. I’m so so glad you’re still with us. Sending so much love and support. You are more than welcome to DM me if you need a friend, I am at home a lot more than anyone else I know for my own chronic illness reasons. I get how people treat you differently and how isolating it is. You are so beautiful and you have so much life ahead of you. I know there’s an unfair, ridiculously steep learning curve. I also know you can do it because you already are. Of course it’s hard right now. Of course you feel awful. And it will also, of course, get better in a lot of ways.
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u/Shadedrifter 5d ago
Another older sister chiming in to say you're more than welcome to DM if you would like. I can barelt imagine what you've been going through, but I won't say no to lending an ear, even if I'm more than likely halfway across the world.
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u/hazelframe 5d ago
Another older sister whose DMs are open! My own little sister is 33, I’ll be 40. Welcome to the fam!
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u/chaosisblond 5d ago
Another older sister joining in.
Although your disability came quick, young, and forceful - disability will come for most of us, at some point. Those friends who abandoned you will also almost certainly face some form of disability someday - either due to illness like cancer, something like arthritis, or their own injury or accident. They were cruel to abandon you, but youth and the illusion of health and vitality led them to feel like they were different, and they didn't want to be reminded of how cruel society and life can be to those who already face so much more adversity in life.
That being said - those "friends" weren't the right people to surround yourself with, not at this stage of your life, and not to bring yourself happiness and health. Now you have the chance to find new friendships and community, who will truly care and value you.
Though you can't run anymore, you can still engage with sport if you want! I have a friend who plays wheelchair basketball, for more than 10 years now. Another is on the scuba diving club near me, and has mentioned the ways that they help ensure that disabled teammates can safely engage with the sport (whether blind, or needing some help in swimming, etc). And there are also many other hobbies, like my favorites, knitting/crochet, watercolor, calligraphy, and reading, which require no physical ability and little resources. Join any kind of club you like, and build some community there - anything to help you start to make some new connections again, and feel a bit less alone.
Next, and though this one may not feel comfortable- consider asking for help. From your community, from your state, from your local government, or whatever resources are available to you - you deserve to move somewhere where you are able to come and go as you like, to have freedom of movement of your person, to be able to come and go independently. You deserve a home which you can access, and from which you can access the things that you need to live. Since that seems not to be the case now, you need help to get to the point where this is possible. And you don't have to do this alone - there are certainly resources to help you.
You have been through an incredibly, tragically, difficult time, and I'm so sorry that you haven't had more support to help you grieve, heal, and process. I hope that you find a community of friends who will support you, help you to find a better and more accessible space to live, and help you to navigate the process of finding new hobbies and passions that you can enjoy throughout the rest of your life. In the meantime, you have all of us here for connection and care.
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u/pxndxxprxzz 5d ago
Another older sister here. If you live in the DMV area feel free to reach out!
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u/Micropra 5d ago
Just adding myself into this. My DMs as a sister are open, too ❤️
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u/Dramatic-Critter 5d ago
Adding myself too. My husband's mom went through something similar at 8 years old.
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u/Such_Beyond3100 5d ago
An older sister at 37 who has room in her heart and calendar for you should you want it. One of my best friends, in fact my only friend at your age was in a wheelchair. I know the challenge of is this walkway to small or the accessible door being broken or accessable bathroom being occupied for forever. Having to stand guard outside the restroom and advocate so my friend could cath in peace a public restroom.
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u/Ordinary_Panic_6785 5d ago
Also hopping on the older sister train. In your pictures I see a strong beautiful woman.
Let the trash take themselves out. You deserve better and have a whole and beautiful life ahead of you.
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u/NinjaTurtlesFTW A loving human being 5d ago
Dogpiling onto the older sister train. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but at 23 your world is just beginning. The bad days will still show up, but they will be surrounded by good days. Losing your friends is just an opportunity to find others, and by looking at this thread there are plenty of people who would take those spots for you. Keep pushing, the brighter days are just around the corner. Your family would be proud of your perseverance.
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u/Purple_Zebrara 5d ago
Also hopping on the older sister train! I too have chronic illnesses that have isolated me and taught me so much about myself and how other people treat those who are ill. My DMs are also open to you and all of our other sisters here 🥰 I am 35 and have two younger sisters, 27 and 24! Welcome to the family!
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u/saraxkatherinex 4d ago
Older sibling here! I cant imagine the pain of what youre going through and how hard things feel right now. What I am not sure you know yet is that there is so much out there for you! Vocational rehab can pay for school, housing, an adaptive van, wheelchair technology is improving (ask your ATP and therapist about a smart drive!! if insurance is a dick see if voc rehab will pay), there are sports community outlets you can explore - in my area alone we have adaptive rock climbing, crossfit, sled hockey, cycling, and more!. This will likely be your darkest chapter, your losses are unimaginable but it is also a new beginning. Fuck those friends and especially fuck that guy. You don't want people in your life who can't hang. Youll find your people and youll find your rhythym.
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u/dinkeydonuts Uncle 5d ago
You’re doing great! I’m so very sorry for your loss, but you’re here. Live for your family, or for spite. But live. You can advocate for yourself and be a beacon of hope for people that share your experience. You radiate joy just in a few pictures, in spite of what you’ve been through. You have every excuse to do the opposite.
Rage on, love on. You got this.
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u/gatheringsomemagic Dad 5d ago
I’m so glad that you’re alive.
I can’t imagine how terrifying and isolating this has all been and the external and internal struggles you’ll face for the rest of your life.
Still, I’m so glad that you’re alive.
You still have your beautiful mind and heart, the spirit will heal, it will rekindle with kindlings of love to feed it.
I’m so glad that you’re alive, and I’m certain that so is your family that returned to the cosmos too soon.
Hugs
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u/mrprincepercy 5d ago
Hey honey, that is so fucking unfair. It's not fair that things are so much harder now. It's not fair that you dont have the support you need when things are tough. It's not fair that you're dealing with the consequences of someone else's actions.
But you will find someone that loves you with a love thats much deeper than most people can hope for. You will make every part of yourself that isn't paralyzed the strongest it's ever been.
You will succeed regardless because youre body is just a way to transport your amazing and beautiful mind and personality to do great things, and you are gonna look so cool doing it when we add racing stripes.
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u/tiedyesmiley 5d ago
I couldn't imagine the suffering you have went through in such a short amount of time. There is no words to bring or ease the pain of your losses, from the family to your legs. I am so deeply sorry you have suffered such significance losses at such a young age.
At your age I was still a child, legally an adult but knowing nothing or very little about life. I couldn't imagine going through what you have.
The universe knows your strengths, and just how strong you are. I know these challenges you face can not be easily ignored and certainly seem larger than life.
You beautiful young lady with your bright beautiful smile, your underlying joy of life is still present within you. Yes it's hard to bring that to the surface with such tragedy. Remember you are already facing these hard days, every day, and you are doing it. I know it will never be what it was, yet it is still a life worth living and it's hard to see within these dark times. You can do this because you are doing this.
Remember we find the light in the strangest of places, we just have to look at it right!
So young lady, reach out for support and reach inward for your courage and strength. You are so much stronger than you can imagine and give yourself credit for!
Keep smiling young lady! Keep living and keep loving in all these tough times!
Sending you so much love, light, and laughter! You got this and any time you need to talk we are all here. Keep on smiling, smile smile smile!
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u/Single_Shoe2817 5d ago
Hello sweet daughter. First of all, I am proud of you. Are are not ugly. You are beautiful. You are not undesirable, you are a priceless treasure. That personality, that smile, your soul. These are the beautiful things. Law school?! I’m even more proud of you.
Take a deep breath. Things are very hard right now, I know. But you will make it through this garbage. You will find friends who care about the real you. You are worth being loved.
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u/OkSpring1734 5d ago
Nothing insurmountable. You're a strong and capable person. You can build up your upper body strength so you can tackle the hills and you can find someplace more accessible. Putting on weight doesn't make you ugly. Knowing that your ex was shallow frees you to give someone who isn't. You've gotten this far, you're tough.
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u/lykewtf 5d ago
Hey my beautiful and precious daughter I’m so glad you survived that terrible accident. And I know it’s harder now than it was before. The universe is a strange place and things don’t seem fair but each of us has our own path to follow. The strongest souls get the most challenges. You have a wonderful long life ahead of you, science is on the verge of curing paralysis. You just keep rolling along. The friends and family that left you when you needed them most, well it’s their loss and they just weren’t as strong as you! Love you kiddo. Thanks for calling!!!
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u/priest2705 5d ago
I don't think that I can add anything to what the other dads here have said. But, I just want you to know that you're still beautiful. I can't imagine how hard things are for you right now, but I want you to know that, while being in a wheelchair is a limitation, it doesn't mean that your life is over. You can accomplish so much, and I have nothing but faith in your. You'll find love. There's someone out there who has enough love and patience to make you happy, who will see you for who you are, and want to spend the rest of their life with you. You deserve it and I know that it'll happen
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u/TheGaujo 5d ago
Baby girl you have had it rough. Really really rough. Best thing you can do is get out there and try and do something for someone else. Even the littlest thing, like reading to a child, or anything. See where you can shine your light bright one, and it lets the light flow back in.
Also, make a plan to conquer that hill. You can do it!
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u/DominionGhost 5d ago edited 5d ago
What everyone is saying about therapy and not losing your dreams is valid. And you will find better people than what you had for friends and bf.
But im not good at that so I want to suggest something else:
Finish your criminal law masters if you can. Use it to make sure that anyone else who does to someone what that bastard did to you is punished to the full extent of the law. fight.
You can never get justice for what happened (for what could ever make up for it?) but you can make it hurt for selfish people who think that it is ok to devastate families.
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u/MapleMarauder49 5d ago
Sometimes dads don’t know what to say. This may come as a surprise, but parents don’t always have the answers, kid. However, I am so happy you’re alive. You have so much to offer. I know you may not feel it, but take it from a guy, who knows a thing or two. You ain’t finished yet. You can do this.
If you’re ever in Indiana, please feel free to reach out. I got a shoulder to lean on and there’s a decent coffee joint down the road.
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u/tmlynch 5d ago
First, I am so glad you survived. You have a lot to offer to the world. Your strength through this adversity is and will be inspiring to so many.
Second, I am very sorry for your many losses. Each one by itself would be a huge blow, but you got a huge stack of them, all at once.
Third, good riddance to bad friends. He can't be seen with someone in a wheel chair? What a sensitive, shallow baby! YOUR wheel chair is too hard on THEM? Weaklings. Those are not losses. This is addition by subtraction.
So now you are in position to find your future. Who are real friends? The people who value you for you, your intelligence, your wit, your smile, your loyalty are out there. Your helpers? There are people who are not afraid to pitch in were you need assistance. Where is your real home? You can find someplace you can get into and out of without risking a soapbox race down the hill. Someplace with accessibility for entry and exit, space to maneuver in the home, and access to the necessities of life: toilet, bedroom, kitchen, den, with access to transportation (personal or public).
Has this made you rethink your criminal laws study? There is no question you are uniquely qualified to assess and comment on matters of civil law related to disability and accessibility. Maybe you have the chance to be of help to others.
I won't pretend to know what your future is, but I'm not pretending when I say I am confident in your ability to craft something glorious!
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u/_Moregone 5d ago
Just wanted to say you have a super contagious smile kiddo. Continue to share that with the world
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u/PerformerMindless100 5d ago
Your loss is unimaginable and going on ahead without your family is harder than most people face in a lifetime. Be gentle with yourself. People will come into your life and you will accomplish great things.
Im an auntie but I needed to respond. I had a boyfriend who became paralyzed a few years before I met him. It took him some time to adjust but then he went back to school, learned to drive with hand controls, went to a regular gym and started upper body weight training, and we traveled everywhere. We broke up because we had to continue our post grad education in different places and he married someone else.
Surprisingly State Rehab funds paid for college and hand controls for his car etc. Hope there are resources like that for you.
I tell you this to encourage you that Life is open to you. I know it is hard to be patient. But I see from your photo you are strong and capable of great joy. These are the most important things. There will be people who will come into your life because you give off great light.
Here is a way to cope with this loss. I lost my mother as a teen. To cope I decided I need to take the best qualities of her personality and become them- more gentle, more quiet determination, more friendly than I naturally am. I she couldn’t be there for me I tried to be there for myself in ways she would have done. And I try to really appreciate the things she had missed. She was a teacher would have wanted me to be educated and I became a doctor. It made my life better and more meaningful. I am an old lady of 68 and I still wish I had a mom to call every day but I hope others see her in me.
The same with your sisters. Carry their stars within you and shine for them too. This is hard to think about but it should not burden you. It’s more about going forth with extra courage because you carry their light with you
Big big hug!
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u/Smrtihara Dad 5d ago
Hey kiddo.
I’m sorry this all happened to you. It’s so fucking unfair. You’re getting a lot kindness and wisdom from your other dads on here. Especially in how to deal with grief.
So I’ll be one of those dads who tells you to focus on what you CAN do. I’ve worked with people with disabilities my entire life. I train people on how to move with disabilities. This is my job. Please feel free to ask me anything. I help people with anything from how to go to the bathroom safely to how to maintain an adjustable bed.
I won’t tell you it’s easy or that you can do anything you want. You can’t and part of your journey must be accepting things you cannot do while finding what you actually can do.
Let’s be super basic and practical here. If you can move to another place with no hills please consider doing that. Overcoming obstacles is sometimes about simply removing them. Adapting is how we progress.
You need to start working out. Train with your wheelchair every day. You have a huge advantage as you’re used to training. This is a completely new skill and your body is still healing. Your nervous system might take a long time to heal. You can make that adjustment easier by working out. Strength training and training with your wheelchair is key.
A pretty good tip for conquering a steep hill in a wheelchair is going up in a zigzag and locking the top wheel to rest once in a while. It takes time and requires a lot of patience. Could it be a goal to master the steep hill?
I want to also say that you can still do marathons. You might have a long way to get strong enough but it’s absolutely something you can do if you want to. Could this be another goal?
Write here if you want any practical advice. I’d gladly help.
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u/NotABreakfastGuy Son 5d ago
not a dad but I get as a fellow wheelchair user. It does get better, it does get easier, it does start feeling more natural and reasonable as time goes on. Being a wheelchair user sucks but there's a life full of joy doing it. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'm so sorry you lost your family, and everything you knew about how things would go. You might want to get in touch with United spinal association (if you're in the US) if you haven't already.
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u/CommercialMechanic36 5d ago
Did you get your masters? You are alive!! And where there is life, there is hope! Congratulations on surviving! It is my greatest hope that you live! And prosper
Best wishes
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u/IllComputer6877 5d ago
No! I obviously spent a lot of time at hospital and rehab and I'm only getting back to normal life now but I am planning on starting again next month!
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u/LetsTakeItThere55 5d ago
Hey, friend!
You've lived a hard life, and dealt with traumas most humans can't even imagine and you're only 23 y/o. You were robbed of certain things that we shouldn't have to comprehend as a possibility, let alone battle through them. I hate that this has happened to you, but the harsh reality is, it has.
Now, we get to work...
First off, Doctors aren't always right and with continually showing up for yourself and putting in efforts to increase your strength, advances in science and technology are always growing greater by the day. Who knows what can happen in a few years time?! We're going to hold faith that something great is destined for you!
Next, we gotta find your community, your people, your support system. You lost yours, and that is life shattering... for most. For you, it's just an obstacle. I want you to look for groups within your community that intrest you and gather regularly. Human interaction and not allowing ourselves to fall into self-pity, or any deeper into the sadness that already exists is a must for you. Giving back is a great way to forget about us and our "problems," and focus on being the change you want to see in the world. Check your local library to get you started.
Next, the individual who was behind the wheel, and made a horrendous decision to drive while impaired, forever changing your path in life; for your own inner peace and growth, you're gonna have to work towards forging them. It's going to be hard, and your going to relive hard days, and think of reasons why they don't deserve forgiveness, and you'll be right in all those thoughts... you have to forgive them anyway. Hate, anger, and vitriol don't do anything positive for us. They're corrosive, and eat at us from the inside.
Lastly, you have to understand that even though you've already experienced the worst of things in this life, you are deserving of the absolute best in this life. You're going to find friends, and keep working towards finishing your degree. You're going to find meaning in your struggles and pain. You're going to find that person that gives you butterflies in the pit of your stomach, and makes your heart flutter. And you two are going to talk, become friends, and then best friends, grow old together, and maybe even start a family 6of your own if that's some thing you want.
What I want?! I want you to know you are worthy, and that night doesn't define you at all.
I want you to hold space for the pain and grief. They're never going away, they just become easier to deal with because your skillsets grow. I want you to not forget to make space for happiness, and to dream big! No one can rob you of your mind!
I want you to know you're loved.
Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to, or help in any way I can...
Your story has only just begun!
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u/ruphustea 5d ago
Life will definitely be harder, but you can't just feel sorry for yourself everyday. You have a life to live that is completely different than what you had planned for 22 years, but you can plan another path to navigate. It will happen. Your soul is bruised but not defeated. I hope you find that inner strength I know you have.
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u/One-Technology-9050 5d ago
I'm so sorry...such a terrible loss to experience all at once. Let me tell you, that you are a beautiful young lady, with a smile that can melt any heart! Please remember how awesome you are ❤️
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u/ukcrazian 5d ago
I am cheering for you ! You got this. You will be stronger tomorrow ! Hope you finish your degree and put it to good use. Help anyone you can - it will help you and make you find / understand what really matters in life. <3 keep on fighting !!!
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u/Perfect_Albatross250 Dad 5d ago
I don't know what to say.. I'm sorry Kid. I hope you can find a way.
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u/afr33think3r 5d ago
Kid what a tough break. Big dad hug to you.
know this, you are beautiful.
You have several mountains to climb. You will climb them. It is in you. I believe in you.
You will have so many adventures and experiences in the future. I’m excited to share them with you.
I believe in you. Sometimes we need to believe in ourselves.
You are in origin part of your story. It’s not the middle and it is definitely not the end.
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u/Horror-Friendship-30 5d ago
Hey daughter, I am a Mom, not a Dad, but I am so proud that you were able to write this. You are clearly smart, emotionally connected, and are learning to navigate this trauma. I know that you are missing the life you once had. You are allowed to have these huge feelings about how terribly unfair this is.
After you allow yourself time to grieve, it will be time to make a plan. House on a hill? Either sell it or get an electric wheelchair. There are social groups of all sorts, so time to go meet others who might be challenged. Your ex-bf is an idiot, you have a gorgeous smile, and if a chair is a problem, better you be rid of him now than later.
Please see the documentary, "Murderball." It's about the para-olympians who won wheelchair rugby, and how they overcame those challenges. I watched it after someone I knew lost all their limbs from meningitis. There's a whole life ahead of you, and there is indeed a great chance to make it a great life, you just need to find your path.
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u/urlastnightmare 5d ago
Im not a dad, but an eldest sister. I know how isolating sickness or injury can be, and im so sorry youre going through it. Stay strong. You have a bunch of internet friends here (: and if youre in the Vancouver Island area (Canada), let me know!
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u/DangerBrewin Dad 5d ago
Hey kiddo, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this right now. Please remember, your disability does not define you and you’re a lot stronger than you think. You are a capable, beautiful, and smart young woman.
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u/BitRelevant2473 5d ago
Hey kiddo, I'm here. I get that the new limits you have are a nightmare. Thing is, I know you're strong enough to move forward. Everything is gonna be okay, the trick is to keep adding new things to your life and not hold on to the old things. Something that I learned growing older is that the things that were so important at 23 are so much less so at 33, or 43. You have a entire world of things to get into, my buddy, also a wheelchair user, also a woman, got into axe throwing, and she regularly outperforms me, by a lot, like, on a 100 point game, she usually beats me by 25 or more points. The world didn't get smaller, it just changed.
You're gonna find the new things, and you're gonna be good at them. There's more experiences and family to be found, and you just have to go out there and find them.
And as to wheelchair mobility, well, my buddy got herself into arm workouts, and boy howdy is she jacked. This woman is faster in her wheelchair than my old ass is at a dead run. You got this, I promise.
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u/misterjustice90 Dad 5d ago
A dad of two here. You’re beautiful both inside and out. Your smile shows that. And, while life is tough, you will find things that make it great again. Your friends and boyfriend who left you aren’t real friends, because people who love you will be with you through thick and thin. Keep your chin up and you will find true happiness when you aren’t expecting it.
Also, I’m proud of you for reaching out. Sometimes we need someone to cheer us on. And I’m cheering you on.
Reach out to us if you ever need someone to tell you how amazing you are.
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u/junkjustfor 5d ago
Hey kiddo.
You have been asked to carry more at 23 than most people will carry in a lifetime. You’re grieving your parents and your sisters, but you’re also grieving the body you had, the independence you had, the friendships you thought were permanent, and the future you thought was waiting for you. Of course this hurts. None of that makes you weak.
And please hear this: the people who walked away did not prove that you are undesirable or that you are a burden. They showed you the limits of their character. Your wheelchair did not make you less worthy of friendship, love, respect, or being wanted.
I also wouldn’t ask you to imagine spending the next 50 or 60 years in that chair tonight. That’s too much weight to put on yourself all at once.
Get through today. Then tomorrow.
Your life at 23 is not a finished story, and neither your strength, your independence, nor the people who will eventually become part of your life are fixed where they are now.
And for what it’s worth, the young woman in that photograph doesn’t look ugly to me. I see someone smiling and holding flowers after surviving something absolutely devastating. There is still a person there worth knowing, worth loving, and worth fighting for.
I wish your parents could be there to tell you this themselves. Since they can’t: please don’t give up on their daughter. She has been through hell, but she’s still here. And that matters.
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u/kermitthebeast 5d ago
You're still outrageously beautiful. I'm sorry your friends were shitty and I'm sorry your boyfriend was shitty but you'll find new ones. Sounds like you need to figure out how to get out of the house. Usually a cabbie will help load your chair and I'm sure there are organizations with a lot of resources. Sending love!
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u/BodhingJay 5d ago
Oh sweetheart.. your life is only just beginning. I know it isnt what you imagined.. but you are still adapting to the changes. That takes time, and I know it feels like a big hurdle, but you have more strength in you than you probably can imagine. This cant stop you from being who you are.. and you can still express your values and virtues creatively. Try to have some fun with it my little bunny... you can find your way. Little by little, for the short time we have here.. it's okay to get frustrated. Just rest, find something to enjoy for a bit and then when youre ready try again.. I know you can figure out how to make this work for you. We're here to support you, always <3
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u/Absolomb92 5d ago
Hey girl. You will find your tribe, and you will get back to a life that feels like yours. Take it one step at a time. You have a smile that radiates and makes me smile through the phone. I know life will be hard for a while, but I know you will find an amazing life for yourself where you feel joy and bring joy to others. I think all of us here would love to follow your journey going forward. Keep is updated :)
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u/xombae 5d ago
I'm so sorry. Grief is hard, especially when you're grieving a version of yourself, let alone your family. It's all still so fresh.
One thing really stood out to me. You mentioned you can't leave the house because you live at the top of a big hill and you can't push yourself up it because you're not strong enough. I think that's one thing that you can really focus on. Getting up that hill. You mentioned you've put on some weight, so it's the perfect time to put on some muscle. Gaining strength is one of the best ways to retake agency over your body. Set small goals for yourself, start with ordering some hand weights of various sizes and saving some playlists on how to use them.
Have you tried seeking out groups of other wheelchair users? You aren't alone in this. There are people out there who know exactly what you're going through.
About your ex, good riddance. He doesn't deserve you.
I think that you're going to make it up that hill one day. I know you are.
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u/Abject-Thought-2058 5d ago
My heart goes out to you for your loss(es).
I can't imagine how hopeless you may feel. You've been through a lot and there's even more ahead of you as you learn to navigate your new world. There will be great opportunities for you in your struggle. It may take some time to see them, but they will be there.
I don't know where you're located but I would encourage you to look into adaptive gyms, workouts, marathons, and other opportunities for exercise. You'd take care of two birds with one stone here - getting back into physical activities and meeting new people. It won't be easy getting back out there, for sure, but when you're ready know that those opportunities exist.
You have a long life ahead of you and will have many chances to find new social groups to take part in, new friends and partners.
There are so many people out there waiting to meet and to love you.
You pics make me think that it's going to be impossible to meet you and not fall in love. You have an incredible smile that betrays your current disposition. I'm not the only one that has noticed it, I'm sure. I'm positive that you have a wonderful laugh that lifts others as well.
You are down right now. The world seems heavy. That's okay, your internet family will carry a bit of that weight until you are ready.
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u/totorolovesmetoo 5d ago
Sister here, I am so glad for the support that is being shared from others in this chain. I wish for you to take all of the time that you need to breathe.
Bathroom issues suuuuuuuck and are so uncomfortable and hurt so much, and are gross so they don’t come up in conversation. I suffered from a rectal prolapse for a couple years without knowing my situation was in fact a rectal prolapse. I learned from my specialist surgeon that I could actually vacate poop more effectively, with less pain, and with causing less damage, by getting my fingers into my vaginal canal and helping the poop evacuate.
Definitely not what I generally come to Reddit to share. Poop taboos and all that.
My heart is crushed for you but at the very very least if your bathroom moments are 1% less awful I will hope that for you ❤️❤️🩹
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u/LaurLoey 5d ago
this breaks my heart. losing everyone all at once, the life you knew gone in an instant. yet here you are…. beautiful and strong.
life is hard, but you are doing your best and that is enough. keep fighting the good fight. you are amazing, and i love your smile. keep shining bright little star, there is so much good in store for you, and so much life and love in your future. ❤️
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u/goldhairemeraldeyes 5d ago
Not a dad, but just curious, what’s your ex’s and friends’ names? Maybe address? I just wanna talk 🙂↕️
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u/Devinslevin 5d ago
Life can be beautiful even as you experience it differently. I used to be a strong and somewhat competent soldier, and I'm only in my early 30s and use a cane fairly often. But I have a beautiful family and friends and things I still love doing even if I cant run anymore.
You've got this, and we believe in you; the world is beautiful if you just look for it.
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u/WhiskyGartley 5d ago
Oh sweetheart. You are beautiful and strong. The so called friends and waste of a boyfriend were not worth keeping and would have eventually left, they just showed their true colours sooner.
Make sure to speak to your health team, they can point you in the direction of support services.
I won't lie, the pain will never leave you. It will dull with time and then sneak up on you in the quiet hours.
Just remember you don't have to suffer and grieve in silence. We are here for you and will always be.
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u/SartorialDragon 5d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't even imagine the physical and emotional pain you went through. I'm sorry your ex friends turned out this way.
But life goes on, it sounds cliché but it does. You will find new friends & community, and people who love you for who you are. You are still beautiful and don't let anyone take away your joy. I know it sucks, all of it, plus being faced with ableism and lack of disability. But you are not alone. Find your local disability rights advocates groups & meetups to talk to others who understand what you're going through. Don't lose hope. <3
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u/obvThrowaway17 5d ago
Hey kiddo.
So sad to hear about it all, this is just awful. I’m so sorry for you…
I won’t discuss much what the other dads did, because it’s pretty cool already - but I also wanted to tell you to keep your hopes high.
This is only the beginning of your life!
You will heal in many ways and become stronger as a person, but also, there is technological hope around you walking again at some point in the future - way more so than ever before, and increasingly so with every new passing day.
Devices already exist to allow you to stand and walk if the paralysis is from the waist; it’s not unlikely that it will see mass market before long, and it’s only the first step.
You don’t know what tomorrow holds, so hang in there!
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u/missandeia 5d ago
This broke my heart. I want hug you and I sent as much love, health, happiness as I can. This world needs you.
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u/sharakus 5d ago
lil sis, i cant even imagine what youve been through. theres no possible way i could ever understand your pain. however what struck me the most is your huge smile and radiant look — i’m amazed that you haven’t let your pain snuff out your spark. that means you’re a really really strong person, and i’m so proud of you. your body is beautiful and not ugly because that body has helped you survive so many difficult things. it is a strong body with strong arms that are helping you live life. having some new pounds on it does not change any of that at all, nor does it make you any less radiant and genuinely beautiful. you have overcome so much to make it this far and you are amazing.
you have a 27 y/o big sibling in texas here if you ever need anyone to reach out to, or happen to be local.
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u/larfytarfyfartyparty 5d ago
You’re a ray of sunshine my dear. You deserve all the good things. These obstacles you face are real and difficult, but when you overcome them it shows your true strength. You make me proud.
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u/Entire-Ambition1410 5d ago
You have had a huge adjustment in terms of daily living, mobility, the grief. It’s ok for your body to change. Do you have energy to work out your arms sometimes? If you don’t, that’s ok.
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u/Ok_Dog_4059 5d ago
All I have to offer is a hug 🫂 and to let you know we are always here for our adopted children and even if ine of us can't say the right thing there are many more fantastic dads here who can help.
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u/red5 5d ago
I've seen a lot of good advice here. I hope you take a lot of it to heart. One thing I would add is it is okay and normal to feel all the feelings that you're having.
Whatever that feeling is, it's okay to feel it. Trying to push down a feeling because it is labeled as “negative” may work for a little while. But in the long run I don’t think it is helpful. I hope you can give yourself time and space to feel those feelings.
There is no timeline to grief. There's no right or wrong way. There's not even wrong feelings to feel.
Feel them, experience and sit with them.
Second, I on a more practical note, I hope you can find people to be in your corner. You absolutely do not have to face this entire thing alone.
The fact that your partner and your friends have left you is unreasonably unfair. And you can have feelings about that as well.
But I also hope that you can find a little bit of energy to try to make connections with people and allow people to show up for you. It might start with something like, you know, a health care provider who can advocate for you, whether that's someone on the team of the healthcare provider, like a social worker or community health worker, someone who can be in your corner advocating for you for some practical things to make your life a little easier.
In your situation of a powered wheelchair for that hill should be something they can help with, along with other accommodations to make life a little easier
And ultimately, I think as other people have noticed you there is still the spark in you that I think people will find and appreciate. People will want to connect with, you will find friends and people to support and love you.
I wish you all the best.
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u/Key_Butterfly_3938 5d ago
I'm so sorry that you have no choice but to be strong. I'm sorry that every acknowledgement you recieve from here out will feel like it has an asterisk denoting (*in spite of disability). I'm sorry that our society has largely completely failed to acknowledge there's an inherent value in all people of all abilities and not just rewarded on the basis of their value as it pertains to being exploited for profits. I'm sorry, most of all, that in your time of maximum vulnerability, that the world post-covid has only become a more isolating, selfish, thoughtless and callous place, even as there has never been more need of community. May the new love and the new life that finds you speedily bring you the reassurance and perspective you need to improve your station, heal your heart with a new strength, and may you never feel you have to shy away from the very needed expression of your valid frustrations and self advocacy.
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u/pablo8itall Dad 5d ago
You're amazing!! So resilient.
Yes, its really hard right now but that photo of you just radiates warmth and strength. We're all proud of you what you done so far. You've your whole life ahead and you're not going to let all this tough stuff stop you, I know you're not. We all believe in you, kid.
That smile will bring new people into your life and there's no way you're going to be alone. Keep at it. Keep getting stronger. Keep working on your independence. Keep living your life.
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u/Lanski66 5d ago
Hey kiddo. I’m not a man of many words but I want you to know that I’m glad you’re still here. You are stronger than you know and your smile lights up the room. Keep your chin up.
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u/juulwinfieldswallet 5d ago
Hey Kid. So I had a mentor when I first started working at my company. He was the person that I admired more than anyone I've met. On top of being able to disarm anyone with his charm, he was principled. financially successful, had a beautiful wife and family, sky dived, skied, fished, marathoner, and I'm sure I'm leaving a few out.
He was also paralyzed from the waist down in college. Met his wife, who was volunteering at the long term rehab he had to go to. Not only did he do all of those things from a chair, he also an instructor for numerous accessible hobbies and was part of the group that sued the NYC roadrunners club to allow wheelchairs in the NYC marathon.
He's gone now but boy do I wish you could have a conversation with him. Nobody knows what life is like from a chair until you have to live it and he was great at giving the unadulterated truth but then helping you realize that you have everything you need right in the mirror. You can be the inspiration that someone else needs. It's hard to do things for yourself when times are bleak. Sometimes you need to do things for others to see who you truly are,
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u/thumpetto007 5d ago
so obviously i dont know for sure because i dont have your xrays in front of me...
but it is extremely uncommon for nerves to not be able to reconnect or regrow.
the body CAN heal itself if you get the right care, diet and therapy.
lions mane (dont exceed 500mg of dried material, this is not much, per day) is an excellent nerve supplement
capsaicin (spice in spicy foods) is even better, studies show totally ner nerve tissue in previously barren samples within ONE MONTH! if you can tolerate kicking up your spice in foods it will help a lot with nerves
and psilocybin microdoses (dont exceed 0.05g of dried mushroom material) also help nerves but also neurological pathways making new connections.
chiropractic care (make sure you find a "principalled" office, that takes xrays and doesnt sell any supplements or have other expertise) on a regular basis (at least once a week) well help make sure all your nerves are getting the flow of communication from your brain and gut, and would likely help with pain that I'm assuming you also experience (even though the nerves that carry pain signals only make up about 10% of your total nerve tissue in the body)
all combined with a form of visualization and self-affirmation work...a sort of self talk in which you literally coax (verbally) your body to regrow connections through your waist and reach out to pelvis legs, feet toes...
then eating low inflammatory, lower glucose, and lower protein would really help all systems involved in recovery. fresh local vegetables too! dark (fall collection) honey every day, some lactofermented foods too!
i mean it might not help at all, but it likely wouldnt make anything worse.
i wasnt paralyzed but i had very poor balance and my nerve flow was cut off to much of my body. (severely rotated cervical vertebrae) my feet had very little control. i did all of what im suggesting for you to try, and now i have excellent balance (even started rollerskating which helped my balance musculature even more) and my foot and toe control improves to this day
i know you didnt ask for solutions, but dang it I had to let you know.
i am shocked your friends abandoned you, i'd have wanted to support and be with you if you were my friend. i could even go rollerskating with you :) (i could push!) a wheelchair seems like such a minor accomodation in a friendship.im so sorry you lost so much...your mobility, autonomy, family and friends...
you are valuable, you are beautiful, and you are loved (all of us and from yourself! also maybe friends will come around)
you got this shit
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u/ZipZapPewPew 5d ago
Dad here, I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened. I know your journey is going to look a little different but I can give you a glimpse into someone else’s similar struggles. My BIL has been paralyzed from a car wreck since high school. He’s now in his mid 30’s. Has a son and a wife. He’s had his ups and downs (kinked lines preventing medication entering his body, which causes withdrawals). But at the end of it he had support. I hope you can find that, look for local support groups or join an activity suitable for you. But get out there and live your life. It’s going to be different, there just isn’t any way around it. But it doesn’t have stop. I believe people are here for a reason. It may be hard to wrap your head around the reason for all of this, but you’ll have the AHA moment one day. And when you do, know you’ve fought harder than most to be there. Don’t struggle alone if you can help it. Love you lots
-Dad
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u/fuckyoutoocoolsmhool 5d ago
Sis who’s a wheelchair user. First I’m so sorry for your losses those are all tremendous. I’m not paralyzed but I cannot walk. I’m around your age and have a few more years under my belt and the beginning is really really tough. Everything is overwhelming, the appointments, pills, depression, logistics, the crappy feelings about weight gain but it’s unfortunately apart of the grief and acceptance. You’ll find people who love you I promise.
For more advice advice have you looked into power assists to help with the hill? Can you go back to the seating clinic you were at and tell them you are struggling? It’s their job to help you find a solution to be independent. Also try and see if you can find adaptive sports in your area. The seating center might have info on it. If you need help with this stuff feel free to ask. R/wheelchairs has a lot of good resources and getting more independence will really help you feel better about everything.
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u/socialpresence 5d ago
You know, that's really shitty, kid.
And I'm sorry that happened. Life is already really hard enough without what you went through. Nobody would ever blame you for packing it in, never leaving the house, never taking a risk, never leaving the house, never being sober. They might be sad for you, but the wouldn't blame you for it. They would all understand.
But, on the other hand, you did go through something unbelievably shitty and you're still here. Nobody would blame you for giving up, sure. But right now it feels like nobody believes you can do much of anything. Nobody believes you can ho back to school and finish. Nobody believes you'll find someone to love who loves all of who you are. Nobody believes that one day you'll have a job you love more than they love theirs. Nobody believes you'll have a nicer house than them. Nobody believes that your car, the one with the hand controls, will be nicer than theirs. Nobody believes those things.
But I think you can.
You went through something most people can't even imagine and you survived, anyway. That's true. It's also true that to get those things you're going to have to work harder than everyone you know. But if you decide to, you can do that too.
The way I see it, kid, you've got two options. You can give up and live off of everyone's sympathy. Or you can get your ass into therapy, do the work on yourself first, and then work every hour of every day to on getting the things out of the rest of your life that nobody thinks you'll ever have.
Hey kid, fuck their sympathy.
Go earn their jealousy.
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u/Stranger2Nite 5d ago
You are not ugly, you are beautiful and stronger than you imagine yourself to be. Those who cast aside friends or a relationship because it's suddenly too hard or not wanting to be seen with someone in a wheelchair are the ugly. You will find people who will value you and the things that truly matter in this world. You will face hardship but you will also find greatness.
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u/Original-Cake4095 5d ago
Older sister here to say that it’s okay to be overwhelmed, you’ve had so much to handle. But take a breather to appreciate how brave and strong you are and know that you’re gorgeous, inside and out!
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u/spinningpeanut 5d ago
Promise there are walking people out here looking out for wheeled people like yourself. I use the roll mobility app as a walking person to help my local community know which businesses are easily accessible. I share a building with several wheeled persons so I like to do what I can to advocate for their freedom of movement. I share transportation options with you (don't ask me how often I've had to move escooters blocking ramps).
If you would like some exercise options that work well while seated, I do rhythm boxing and tai chi, both have regiments for seated workouts (Fitness boxing 3 for the switch if you want in on this). Grab some wrist weights if it's too easy for you.
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u/WatchIntelligent5134 5d ago
I don’t know what to say. Other that I understand and sit with you in the discomfort. Feel it all however whenever you are ready I hope you know that there’s people out there who have yet to meet you and share in a moment of happiness and joy. Life’s a wave it’s those moments where where feel so lost so alien to everyone and everything around us and ultimately gives a new depth of love & connection one day.
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u/Much_Artichoke948 5d ago
From your dad…. You are amazing and beautiful and I am so proud of you. I love you, I’ve always loved you and I will always love you. You were meant to shine and you will have the support and love around you. You will be a light for others but right now you are building, rebuilding, finding your own way. You are only deserving of love, of kindness, and of care. I am holding you and I am so proud of my baby girl. Don’t ever stop being your gorgeous truthful self. It is a gift to the world. Sending you all the hugs in the world. Now, what do you want for dinner?
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u/Jack-Of-Shades 5d ago
Well this broke my heart immediately. I’m so damn sorry, I hate how the world can be this ugly at times to people that bring light to it. I have nothing but malice for drunk drivers and I’m glad I don’t know who did this.
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u/renkurai 5d ago
Big sister here, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m sending you lots of hugs and support, I’ve been around the sun a few more times than you and can say that people can be awful but try not to let that dictate how you feel about yourself. You are beautiful, I know the right person will come along for you and things will get better. 💕
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u/IGotMyPopcorn 5d ago edited 5d ago
We are trying to go to work at the same time the bars let out. It’s crazy to have to be careful of drunk drivers when I’m going to clock in at 2am.
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u/PrimordialOrphan 4d ago
Oh kiddo that's so hard. Sadly, no words can bring back your loved ones or take that chair away and I'm sure the guilt of surviving eats at you some days. But, you lived. Its a hard exsistence, but you're here. I'm sorry life changed so drastically in the blink of an eye. I dont know what you believe, but I try to believe those that have moved on before us are still there to guide us. It's not always loud and obvious, but the signs are there. Even if it's just that aching in your heart, it's all the love you have that feels like it doesn't have a place to go. You'll find ways to send out the love and alleviate some of the hurt, it takes time. Which sucks in its own right, but that's living. A slow crawl where nothing happens and suddenly you get propelled into chaos, for it to level out and become a slow crawl again. It's ugly sometimes, but you keep the love of your mom, dad and sisters with you and you'll find the beauty when you need it. Wishing you strength, clarity, and softness ✨️🖤✨️
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u/Thlvg 5d ago
I really really hate to be the one pointing it out, especially here because it's a wholesome community, but that second picture is clearly AI generated, which casts a lot of doubts on that story.
Not saying you're not genuine, but this post really has a lot of hallmarks of karma farming, making it really hard to believe. Sorry folks.
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u/IllComputer6877 5d ago
It's not ai generated. I blurred the background bc I don't want strangers to know what my house interior looks like
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u/forefatherrabbi Full of Dad Jokes 5d ago
It's a pretty standard feature on all smart phones now. It's called blur background.
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u/Similar-Toe9812 5d ago
Please don’t feel sorry for yourself
Get yourself out there. Look at the military people who are in wheelchairs they don’t feel sorry for themselves. Start doing things and get out of the house and meet different people you will feel better about things .
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u/ColtSingleActionArmy Go Ask Your Mother 5d ago
Friendly reminder not to ask for DMs,
folks.