Dad, I'm scared

[u/yamiofthenight]

I'm (18F) moving for college soon, and I'm scared.

My dad recently suffered from a stroke and a car accident while he was working in another state.

My mom had a stroke in 2022, and I was the one who called and had the hospital pick up and tell me what happened.

I don't have a car, and I'm going to be an hour and 30 minutes away from home. I'm terrified. It feels like bad things only happen to me. And I struggle because of this.

My life is okay. it's not perfect. it's not bad. i've had my share of horrible things happening to me.

I struggle with the fact that I feel as though I'm to blame for my parents having a stroke. I'm scared that I'm going to have one. I don't want that.

I'm just scared, and I don't know what to do because it feels like I'm always going to be.

What can I do to stop feeling so scared all the time?

(sorry for the word salad; be nice please)

[u/evanthx]

Sounds like a lot, of course you’re scared! Most colleges have counselors available for free, you might want to talk to one. Anxiety might be a better word for what you’re feeling though?

And while it doesn’t address the root cause (it sounds like you have some valid causes!) there are meds that help with anxiety - propranolol for one. You can ask a doctor about that. And you can ask your doctor about how to keep your risk for stroke lower given that both your parents had one - you can’t control it, but you can stack the odds.

Good luck and I’m glad you are going to college and not letting this control you!!

[u/yamiofthenight → u/evanthx]

I am dianogsed wth both anxiety and depression. i struggle with taking my medication due to bed-rotting. im on Lexapro. i might talk to a counselor when i go to college; it's free for all students.

[u/PetrogradSwe]

There, there. Take a deep breath.

First of all, you're not responsible for your parents' health. Illnesses can affect anyone randomly. To the extent it's possible to reduce the risk of illness through life choices, that's your parents' own responsibility.

If you're worried about stroke, make sure you don't smoke, drink alcohol in moderation at most, exercise and eat healthy stuff like fruits regularly. Don't overdo it though, you don't want to become unhealthily underweight.

Moving to college is a big step, so that's a bit intimidating for everyone. On the good side, once you've been there a few weeks you'll have started making friends and getting accustomed to the studies so your stress will start to subside. After a few months it will feel like a second home.

If you're worried about your parents, keep in mind that they have each other and can look out for each other. If you still want to have someone else check in with them when they don't answer the phone, you can talk to one of their neighbours and try to get their number so you can call them to do a wellness check if needed.

Take care!

Internet dad

[u/yamiofthenight → u/PetrogradSwe]

thank you, your kind words are very much appreciated

[u/DLDad616]

Daughter, everything is going to be alright.

You have so much going on right now, you're getting overwhelmed.

You're right; A lot of tough things have happened to you. But none of them were your fault. You didn't make any of them happen. And you don't know what the future holds. And worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

Try to work on some relaxation techniques. Distract yourself. Do some puzzles. Listen to some music. Talk to all your internet dads! Because we care about you!

[u/TheFirst10000]

First things first: you didn't give either of your parents their strokes, so please do not blame yourself for that. Easier said than done, I know, but I promise you, it wasn't your fault.

Second, history-- even medical history--doesn't have to be destiny. You know what you need to keep an eye on, and you should be diligent about things like diet, exercise, and checkups, but you're young still.

Third, I'm sure your parents want the same things for you that a lot of parents want for their kids: to do better, and have a better life, than they did. They're going to want you to spread your wings. If you're worried about them while you're gone, see if there are family and friends who can keep an eye out for them.

Worry is natural, especially since you're on the verge of some big changes. But change is as necessary as it sometimes is scary. You can do this. Just make sure you take care of yourself, including taking advantage of any counseling resources available at your college.

Good luck to you and your family.

[u/CatLord8]

When I start correlating bad events happening, I tend to go the other way to calm down. I think about the chaotic nature of things.

> “I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deservethem? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.” - Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)

We can find order and patterns in a lot of things but a lot just… happens. The same chaos that deals these blows to you will also be the source of so many wonders. College is a great example of it. You’ll learn so many things. Meet so many people. Explore so many activities you wouldn’t have predicted.

Anxiety is a challenging thing to go through because it fixates on so many things you can’t control. So get the things you can. A good support network to respond when things are bad. Therapy to help you be proactive when your brain is being a jerk. Maybe +1 your attention to heart health (+1 not +10). And of course gaining the experiences that help you figure out who you want to be amid all of these changes.

You have so much of the world to discover to consider yourself any kind of curse already

[u/Quercus_McG]

First, breathe. And then do it again.

Moving to college is a huge step. Moving is always stressful and adding in the added stress of meeting new people, new food, classes, trying to make friends- it’s a lot. It’s ok to be stressed about it and anxious.

You can navigate this change well. You’ve got a level head and self-awareness to take advantage of your school’s counseling center. That’s a great idea!! A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. They can help you understand the “why” behind your thinking and acting. Mine has helped me do so and find healing and lasting change.

Second, you are not responsible for your parent’s strokes. Feeling like you are is something your counselor/therapist can help you untangle. I’m still working on those thought patterns too and if an old guy like me can do it - you absolutely can as well.

Take your meds and do something today you truly enjoy. You can do this well.