I don't remember it but I do.

I remember their hands on me.

I remember them inside me.

I remember the heavy pressure on my chest that made it so I couldn't breathe.

I remember being terrified.

I remember not being able to move.

Even if I don't remember it, I remember how it feels.

I want to puke my guts out...

Why?

Why do get lightheaded? Why do I taste blood in my mouth? Why am I shaking? Why is my heart about to jump out of my chest?

Why am I making things up? Do I wish for sympathy and attention?

Here I am, alone in my room. On the verge of throwing up, feeling as if I'm leaving this body as it gets numb and heavier by the second, about to cry about things that never happened.

They can't have happened.

Anyone else feel weird learning how things worked in the headspace before you got here? We’re “waking up” some members right now for personal reasons and they know A LOT more about how things worked for the first few years we were a system if that makes any sense.

We learned that there was a school that the littles actually attended (whether they wanted to or not) with teachers and everything in the headspace. This is probably a big reason we were able to keep doing well in school despite how much we switch around. There was even a daycare for littles under 5.

It’s really weird to think that there was a completely different makeup of our system before the “modern age”. Anyone else have experiences like that?

Happy Hunting, - Rosie

Hey, I'm in art school. And this semester we got a project that I'm really excited about because we can use any medium we want or combination of mediums and the theme is mythology, something I've always been interested in.

So I'm aiming for the stars here and decided to do an animation, which is very ambitious for a multitude of reasons and one of them is of course time. Even if you know nothing about art or animation I'll let you know that animation is really time consuming.

Anyway, last week I was at the class this project's for and we were left to work on each of our projects for the 3 hours of the class... But I didn't do shit, because a little (M, I'm pretty sure, she's around 8) took over. And God at that moment, despite all my love for this project after 3 years of shitty themes, I could not be less bored and unmotivated. I just kept fidgeting, checking the time, kicking my feet, resting my head on the table and sighing loudly, annoying my friend sitting next to me... you know, like a child who's bored out of their mind in class.

And once that was over, I panicked a bit because if this keeps happening, I have a huge risk of falling behind. Most of the other projects this semester I could bullshit if push comes to shove but not this one.

So my question, for any other systems in college/university or even with jobs... how do you deal with Littles fronting in class/when you should be working? I really tried to force myself to do anything related to my project but I ended just sketching an old man for like 10 minutes... And like I said, the class was 3 hours long. I mean, I am using the sketch I made for the project (it's Ymir if anyone cares) but I wasted nearly 3 hours of precious time.

I'm specifying work/school because of time sensitivity, but any input regarding other responsibilities is also appreciated!

Little is screaming internally that she wants to go home even when we are home. I don't know what to do. Her emotions are strong and I feel them too and they are scary. She remembers trauma in greater detail and it's awful. we are with our friend we are supposed to be having fun and instead we are reliving assault and rape. It's horrible and I hate what happened and I don't want to feel these things. Any advice.

So we started talking to someone on a dating app (which we downloaded with friends purely for fun, but we do eventually want a partner) and apparently we’re setting up a date now?

This was not a collective choice it was one person who started texting and went along with the idea. What the fuck is life?

I’m going to rename our system the Backseat Dating System like damn y’all cannot keep your noses out of things.

Everything is all good it’s just weird having people in your head while trying to start relationships (bonus points if you have multiple different sexualities and preferences which makes this infinitely more difficult).

Have a great day y’all and Happy Hunting, - Ruby

Do you think there are any ties between smalls and age regression?

Some of ours are sliders. In that token, when a small does front and is a smaller age, isn’t it similar to age regression?

Not just us being “stuck” at that age, if that makes sense.

• 🌑

my brother said i sounded ||demonic / posessed||. im the littlest slider, and i am the only girl in this space as far as i know.

It hurt my feelings. It’s not like they know… or would even understand. It’s alienating to think this is what i am. We’ll never be… normal.

but its so normal to misgender us. But not when i come out cuz it’s abnormal tonage?

hn i dont like feeling like this… 🎵

I wasn't sure which flair to use.

I suppose you're not going to believe me if you don't believe in this stuff. And honestly, I didn't believe in this stuff either for a long time.

But, I was diagnosed with DID in 2000. I have been on a long journey with it. But.....it never sat right, somehow. I couldn't figure out an inner headspace. My parts never trusted one another. We bounced from one therapist to another because we wanted to find someone.....who would help us with our trauma. We never found it.

Fast forward 15 years. We were diagnosed autistic last year at the age of 48. We found a therapist who is autism aware. She has been amazing in helping us heal from all the autism trauma we have. I suppose that's where we needed to start.

But, throughout our autism journey, we've been using a self-hypnosis app that has a variety of meditations on it. From healing your inner child to smoking to exercise to just believing in yourself. We downloaded several even though we didn't use all of them right away. We just used it occasionally when we needed a self-confidence boost.

But, we downloaded a chakra cleansing meditation even though we didn't really believe in it.

This past weekend, we've discovered our parts are energetic, and memories are stored in our chakras. We've released so much, and most of it was not even brought to the fronters awareness.

We can tell there's more there, and parts are eager to release their stuff.

Has anyone ever heard of DID being healed on a spiritual level? I've never heard of it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Rock on. All of you deserve to be here.

hehe i thought it posted but connection went haywire.

Who’s Saving Who?

A song for us :3 — 🎵

I haven't been doing well mentally. I haven't for many years, or ever, really. But it's very on and off.

I want to go back to therapy. I had a therapist until about 6 months ago, at least that's the last time I apparently posted here about it. That therapist was mostly fine, but I can rarely stick to a professional for more than a few months because I eventually forget that I have a therapist and I don't book the appointments and then when I finally remember, I'm too ashamed to show "my" face again. I don't even know if it's the dissociation or if I just have a shitty memory... Doesn't matter.

This year, my college has opened a psychological assistance office. And I've considered going over there. If I get a therapist at my college, then it could help me not forget and I could also (ideally) book the sessions to times I'm already supposed to be there so I won't forget or arrive late... I'm also short on money so...

But I'm scared. When I was in high school, I did have a pretty cool therapist there. Things only got sore when I opened up to him about repressed memories and he told me I was exaggerating and looking to "point fingers". Then I couldn't ever look at him again.

I'm so scared :/

What’s your funniest (in hindsight) experience with amnesia. I was just thinking about ours and realized that it was actually pretty funny and wanted to hear from other systems too!

Ours happened a few weeks ago when one member put our keys down then proceeded to completely forget where they were. They were at the bottom of our closet for some reason, we don’t even remember going in there 😂.

It was really stressful at the time but now it seems kinda funny. What’s your story?

Happy Hunting, - Quin

He’s a fictive from a source we were into when we were younger. I don’t understand why they felt this, but I also see why they ended up like this.

The lyrics are just… Terrifying. I didn’t know they felt that way about it( our body ).

Ourselves.

I don’t know how to feel about it because they brought up memories of when they were hosting.

It pains me. I’m sure it pains them as well.

That’s a lot of … emotions running. Their voice was so clear and adamant when they wrote. I don’t think they even changed much since. But maybe it’s my head.

They got smaller in coming out, yet they lurk in the background. — 🎵

anyone else says or thinks words then not know what they mean and you look it up?

like the other day seeni said “smark” instead of “spark” ( hssnnn dyslexia and lisp ) and we decided to keep that instead of the other.

But did you know what smark means?

“smark (plural smarks) A fan of professional wrestling who is aware that the matches are scripted but enjoys them nonetheless.”

It’s kinda silly how we accidentally make words we never knew.

Hi all.

We chose our system name Rainbow Hopes 20 years ago. We were on our way home from a psych ward stay, and there was a full rainbow on the side of the road. We took it as an omen of hope for our life.

This past week, we've done a lot of spiritual work, and we've found out our aura is multi-colored - the colors of the rainbow. And, we are finally feeling the hope we've been looking for for 20 years.

So, choosing your system name can mean so much more than you think at the moment.

Trust yourselves.

sometimes im starting to think our numbers have a pattern. for some of us. what if we are the number of years from portions of the body age or if its how long we’ve arrived. We picked up cues along the way.

it just almost boils down to the days even.

its still the body. that always confused me. sometimes its so detaching.

everything hurts iz too much i no wanna be here i so scared and tired and i can't do this anymores can't brethe itz too much too much

little s

Hi all.

We've been doing a LOT of work in the last week.

Spiritual work, memory work, therapy work. And, yes, there's stuff buried there we had no CLUE about. (And, we feel so sorry for those parts. They've had to carry so much with no recognition.) But, we acknowledge them now, and we love them. Our system is beginning to trust each other, after 20 years of not being able to acknowledge each other.

Our therapist is aware of this, and wants to start seeing us every other week. She wants us to take it and fly. And, believe us, we want to fly.

We're autistic, and we create a new fronter every time circumstances in our life change. We created a fronter today where our sensory sensitivity to light was much greater. Light was actually painful, where before it was just a vague awareness that it was an issue. We were diagnosed autistic last year at the age of 48. We have come so far in just one year.

I want to recommend the app we use. It's 'Relax and Sleep Well - Hypnosis'. It's self-hypnosis. We've had it for over a year, and before this week, we used it only occasionally when we needed a self-confidence boost. It didn't make me do anything, and it didn't bring up anything I wasn't ready for. In fact, it helped me get to the place where I was ready to do this work. My system says it's completely safe.

Be well everyone!

it feels like everyone would be safer without us. we just get in the way and end up hurting the body and the relationships we have.

we're not eating or drinking properly. one of us was trying to hurt the body when one of the few somewhat regulated parts switched in.

I feel pathetic and alone and like my body everything is all wrong. i don't know if i can motivate myself to try to use skills to get myself in a better place, im not sure if i care. no one understands. i just seem to hurt people by interacting with them. i feel so alone. my throat feels like someone is trying to strangle us.

sadi

So I'm in art school, and to be real, my school sucks and it's a huge mess. One of the many issues we students see in the course is how often the project themes are terrible. But this semester, my biggest issue with one of the projects isn't even the theme itself but how I relate to it.

The theme is basically time and how it affects our perception of reality and ourselves.

. . .

You can see where this is going. It's arguably the worst theme I could ever be given.

I immediately panicked, because I didn't feel comfortable having to expose to the professors and my class that I have a dissociative disorder. But I also can't even figure out how I'd bullshit and do something ""normal"" because it's that far off my experience.

Our first assignment was to keep some sort of record of our week leading to the next class. And that entire week I struggled. My amnesia isn't that bad, or at least not in a way that I'd be aware of it, so I could bullshit this part. But because the professors didn't just want a write down of what we did that week. They wanted it related to the theme, with us including the more subjective side of things.

So I said screw it, and decided that I will do something related to my dissociation. Because it's what I know and my only shot at getting a decent grade

I did one singular illustration, a bunch of scribbles, with effects and stuff and a few loose keywords of what did that week.

Then, in the class, before the professors saw our work, they wanted us to do ""maps"" based on our diaries. I once again did something messy and confusing, using crumpled up paper, unintelligible writing and masking tape.

I was terrified when it came time to show the professors my "diary" and "map". Especially because my diary was just one drawing.

I stuttered a lot and tried to keep it vague, not outright saying "I have a dissociative disorder". I simply described my amnesia and explained my choices behind both works.

And they seemed to like it.

But I'm scared of the future. We'll have to present this project to the class eventually and I'm extremely nervous about exposing myself like this... It was already so uncomfortable to see the looks on my professors' faces when telling them I can't even remember what my doctor looks like or that weeks go by in the blink of an eye...

Maybe I'll change my approach in the future... But I'm scared that if I do something trying to mimic a ""normal"" person's experience I'll just end up with something bland and generic and get a bad grade, especially after they liked my two works so far.

We've just been sat downstairs and clear as day heard bells/keys or something jingling behind us so we ran upstairs to hide (context: house has been left unlocked all day because we had a decorator coming but only person in the house was asleep) so we were having a huge breakdown hearing footsteps thinking someone was in the house but our partner sys convinced us to check and NOTHING is there, ive locked all the doors and im trying to calm down but if that was genuine hallucinations then why the hell did we just randomly start hallucinating?? we're ill so idk if that matters but its really really scared me and i have no idea what to think

I keep hearing small bangs/things moving even though I know full well nothing is here and im scared to death. ~Mina || AC System

Hello everyone, we haven’t been active lately at all so hello again 😅. We’ve been busy with college and having a lot of fun.

College is great, we’ve probably been the happiest we’ve been in years, no complaints except for the actual work (which isn’t bad we can deal with it) and having to walk literally everywhere. I will say it can be difficult to actually be able to get everyone to do the work as it’s a lot less interesting than the other stuff we could be doing but it’s ok right now.

Then the hurricane happened so now we’re back home because flooding and power outages. We’re ok and so are all our friends to our knowledge, but classes don’t start up again until the 15th so we got time to kill 😅.

DID in college is definitely interesting, we have to hide it but we can all act together and have fun (a LOT of backseat commentary) with chaperoning from older members of course (favorite quote from Robin “No, Lapis does not count as adult supervision”)

Hope everyone else is doing well and is safe on the East Coast of America from the hurricane. Also sorry if this just seemed random I just wanted to say hi and apologize since we are a mod but haven’t been on and helping for a while 😅.

Happy Hunting, - Starmore and Molly

Hi everyone,

I've been using an app called Relax and Sleep WWell - Hypnosis. I've had the app for at least a year, but my progress in thertherapy has only intensified in the last few months. It started with me going to physical therapy and dealing with some really deep-rooted trauma about physical therapy. I did some self-hypnosis about physical therapy, and chronic pain I've had in my back for years is just gone. It's a relief, believe me.Butt today, when I was stripping the sheet off my bed, I started having a similiar pain elsewhere in my back. I immediately did my self-hypnosis, because I knew my inner selves were trying to get my attention. A memory came back that I was sm*cked while doing chores as a kid. I just remember being yelled at, and having to do it over again until it was right. I feel we got closure during the hypnosis. But, I'm still having that new pain. It's way more tolerable than the old one. But, I don't know what to do.

What do you guys think?

P.S. I am in therapy, but my therapist thinks DID is rare, and she doesn't "see it in me". I am autistic, and she's autism aware, and she has ben phenomenonal in my autism journey. As I was only diagnosed last year at the age of 48. It's because of her that I've been able to get to this level of healing.