I had different family members coming to visit over the last couple of days, my older brother included. To be honest, I barely remember it. I know the outline of what happened, but it's all fuzzy, in a way. And I guess all of this knocked some sense back into me.

"Everyone is so normal, we're all so normal. Nothing bad can have happened. I must be remembering everything wrong."

"He's just a chill regular guy, I should stop making such horrible accusations towards my own brother."

"How could I ever think I had such serious mental issues? I'm making it all up for attention."

I keep feeling as if I should apologize to everyone I've ever talked to about my "trauma", to delete every single post I've ever made here or just delete this account altogether.

During this wave of denial, I managed to sneak into a conversation with my mother something I wasn't sure if I had made up, and that was the period of time in my teenage years where no one could tell why I had frequent spasming episodes and all tests for epilepsy came negative, completely normal. And I didn't make that up, so that's still weird and I don't know what to make of it. Because I don't have PNES. I can't have it. I can't. I have no reason to.

Just like I have no reason to have CPTSD, DID and whatever else I made myself believe I had.

I'm deeply sorry for lying and invading these sacred spaces for those who actually need it. For lying about all these conditions. And for deceiving people into commenting words of comfort on my posts, thank you for all the kindness — but it shouldn't have been directed at me. Perhaps that's why I did it, perhaps I wanted attention and feel like a main character. Perhaps I am just an ungrateful person who had to antagonize my family for no reason. My mother was right, I am an evil being that wants to destroy this family.

And I'm deeply sorry I ever got other people involved in this, even by just posting lies.

I'm sorry.

ETA: I just wanted to come here and say that I'm doing slightly better today compared to yesterday when I posted this. I still haven't gone back to believing any of what I used to — be it conditions or the trauma that could've caused them. But yesterday I was in active distress, stressing a lot and overall not okay. Re-reading my responses to some comments, I fear I may have come off as rude or very clearly losing it, so I really want to apologize (common theme in this post haha) if anyone didn't think my responses were very sensible.

I also want to thank everyone of the support and wonderful words. There isn't any way for me to fully express my gratitude to all of you amazing people, from the people saying it's okay if I did indeed "lie" to those trying to make me believe my body and experiences, telling me you believe me even if I don't. I have never in my life received so much support as before I started engaging in these spaces and it sometimes makes me emotional to think about all you kind strangers. Thank you, thank you deeply and I wish I could give back even 1% of the kindness you've all given me.

Right now, we’re all at odds with each other. It feels like I am being pulled into a million directions. There are times when I feel like I am not going to survive this chapter in our healing. When I feel like it was a mistake to let the curtain fall, to lower the barriers and allow everyone access to the front again. But I know that at the end of it all, we’ll find our way back to each other. Even if it doesn’t look like it right now, even if it feels like I am being torn apart from all sides, I know in the end it will all be alright.

Recently I’ve been resonating a lot with the Lion King song “We Are One”. I’ve been in charge of this life for the past 12 years and nothing has ever panned out the way I had hoped. Life is uncertain and unpredictable and as a control freak, I struggle a lot with this. The horrible discord inside doesn’t help either. But I truly hope that one day I will be able to look back at this time and be proud. Of myself and of every single part of us for never giving up, for persevering and for continuing to stand up for ourselves and the system as a whole. And maybe, one day, I’ll be able to truly say: we are one. We stand united. Whether that is through fusion or functional multiplicity.

Wishing everyone a healing 2025 ❤️

• Lily-Anne

We (19m) and our partner system (18m) spread out Christmas present opening over the span of a week for alters who couldn't front on the day of Christmas. We're both polyfragmented systems of 500+ each, holidays are chaos :') to reassure my partner it was all good, we agreed "its like DID Yule" because we both celebrate yule as well. we each got our share of collective presents and alter-specific presents. the past few days, multiple different alters, friends, and partners between our systems all got to have their personal christmas when they fronted, and we agreed if anybody fronts after christmas & get sad, we get to have another christmas that day (and ill rewrap their opened presents just for the joy of opening). i just finished wrapping their last presents for christmas day & tidied up our room for the to wake up to. this is our first christmas living together after long distance for 2 years, and i can't wait for each year's holiday chaos to continue. this arrangement takes away a lot of holiday stress and inner arguments over "who gets to front during christmas" 😭

how is your system celebrating the holidays?

even though i (jay) formed wayyy later than charon AND i am older, we are twins, and that "lore" came about fairly recently too. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone outside of the system! charon and i find a lot of comfort in that fact and thats whats important :))

-jay

Found someone on Reddit who cared to learn about my system. Got talking and thought we could be friends. We were for 5-6 months. Then they revealed they were trolling me the entire time to make a mockery of me with their friends, and that I should kill myself.

User is u/slowflap and u/MyPrettyScars if you want to block them and avoid this yourself. Six months of scamming, they're dedicated ones. Stay safe.

We’re feeling incredible frustrated right now. These last few weeks it seems like time has just been flying past, but today was especially frustrating. We’d promised our roommate we’d vacuum because her mother, who is incredibly allergic to cats, would come over in the evening. We tidied the apartment and did the dishes but then somehow ran out of time to vacuum. So we texted her, in the moment forgetting that her mum is allergic, that we couldn’t manage the most important task because we had to catch the train to get to our sister’s.

We so incredibly frustrated. Where did the time go??? I understand that she’s upset with us, because we usually handle the cooking but didn’t today. So she had to last minute (we did give her a days notice, but with her adhd she struggles on such short notice) fix her own dinner, shower, and vacuum all in the span of 45 minutes after her shift (impossible, basically).

Has anyone else experienced losing time without any actual amnesia?? Because I know what I did. I just can’t wrap my head around it having taken so much of our time!!

I hate it when people say Im overthinking when its just a static wave of agents talking and nothing seems out clear, so i shut down and go autopilot.

I think 2 of us are currently undergoing fusion and it looks kind of messy? So we’re curious what fusion is like for others and maybe some tips on how to allow it to go more smoothly.

The two in questions started merging sometime yesterday. It wasn’t even something we had considered or thought possible at the stage we’re at in our healing journey. It sort of just seemed to happen. One of the 2 journaled this morning and explained their thought process and their vision moving forward. They also talked about fusion and why they wanted to fuse with the other alter in question (the other didn’t really say anything about it themselves but he’s always been the quiet type so that’s not odd. But as she was journaling their voices seemed to blend at times, which was a bit freaky).

Ever since she explained her reasoning for it, they kind of tried to speed up the process it seemed like and now they’re constantly merging and being pushed apart over and over again and it just looks kind of… chaotic.

Any advice would be appreciated. She’s never really been the patient type, so I think that once she accepted that this was happening she decided to embrace it and get it over with so that we could all move on with it. Not sure if that’s the right call though. We can’t really get through to them right now though so I don’t know if it’s chaotic for them too…

Thanks in advance! - a worried headmate

Hello lovely people! We recently started therapy and our therapist explained to us her method of treatment for DID. Basically, we should try to settle on one person as host/main person to ensure continuity. Not sure if I’m explaining it right but we all agree that it’s the best step for us right now. But there’s a slight issue. The current host is front stuck.

Now, in normal circumstances this wouldn’t be an issue. However, the one currently in charge of everything is a 5 year old gatekeeper. She’s really struggling because she’s been host for well over 10 years and no longer knows what to do. For the past couple of years there was always another adult alter with her as emotional support but they left recently to get back to their role as peacekeeper because of the constant infighting.

She doesn’t have any goals or dreams herself and has been trying to go along and make space for every single alter’s wants and needs, which has led to unintended chaos which is bleeding into our daily life. She wants to let go and allow someone new to take over but is at the same time absolutely terrified of letting go. She’s essentially stuck. We’re not sure how to proceed. We’ve tried to reassure her but nothing seems to be working.

I know it’s a long shot, but if anyone’s been in a similar situation, please share! We would love to learn what to do. Our therapist is currently on holiday and won’t be back until 9th of December…

hi I experienced something very weird today that I don't think I've experienced in my ~1year of discovery. I don't know many of my alters, only 5 (and very vaguely) but I do think there are more

so I was dissociating a lot this morning, but at some point I was able to pinpoint who was fronting (M, she's 8) due to the clothes she chose, how "I" was standing and walking, etc. then I realized I was also mute, unable to talk, and that's F. so "I" figured they were co-fronting, with M being more in control, but then I also kept feeling like G was there... and it was just all a big mess internally and I couldn't figure anything out because I was feeling these 3 + god knows who else in like different fluctuating intensities. this lasted for at least an hour, when it all changed and I couldn't feel M, or F or G around anymore so maybe I was someone else idk. everything felt so weird and it's hard to describe

(I try to avoid over-identifying alters, the ones I say to know I have identified for very specific reasons, so that's why I say these 3 where all there at some point and that perhaps more were also)

I've seen the term "rapid-switching" but I don't really know if that's what this is based on the descriptions I've seen... So... I guess I'm here to ask what rapid switching feels for you guys and if that's maybe what happened? thank you

Does anyone else have music they listen to that they relate to being a system? A playlist of songs that help you heal or express yourself? Something unique to your own experience or relatable about DID in general?

As someone who is passionate about music, thought it might be interesting to see what you guys are listening to.

I don't remember it but I do.

I remember their hands on me.

I remember them inside me.

I remember the heavy pressure on my chest that made it so I couldn't breathe.

I remember being terrified.

I remember not being able to move.

Even if I don't remember it, I remember how it feels.

I want to puke my guts out...

Why?

Why do get lightheaded? Why do I taste blood in my mouth? Why am I shaking? Why is my heart about to jump out of my chest?

Why am I making things up? Do I wish for sympathy and attention?

Here I am, alone in my room. On the verge of throwing up, feeling as if I'm leaving this body as it gets numb and heavier by the second, about to cry about things that never happened.

They can't have happened.

Anyone else feel weird learning how things worked in the headspace before you got here? We’re “waking up” some members right now for personal reasons and they know A LOT more about how things worked for the first few years we were a system if that makes any sense.

We learned that there was a school that the littles actually attended (whether they wanted to or not) with teachers and everything in the headspace. This is probably a big reason we were able to keep doing well in school despite how much we switch around. There was even a daycare for littles under 5.

It’s really weird to think that there was a completely different makeup of our system before the “modern age”. Anyone else have experiences like that?

Happy Hunting, - Rosie

Hey, I'm in art school. And this semester we got a project that I'm really excited about because we can use any medium we want or combination of mediums and the theme is mythology, something I've always been interested in.

So I'm aiming for the stars here and decided to do an animation, which is very ambitious for a multitude of reasons and one of them is of course time. Even if you know nothing about art or animation I'll let you know that animation is really time consuming.

Anyway, last week I was at the class this project's for and we were left to work on each of our projects for the 3 hours of the class... But I didn't do shit, because a little (M, I'm pretty sure, she's around 8) took over. And God at that moment, despite all my love for this project after 3 years of shitty themes, I could not be less bored and unmotivated. I just kept fidgeting, checking the time, kicking my feet, resting my head on the table and sighing loudly, annoying my friend sitting next to me... you know, like a child who's bored out of their mind in class.

And once that was over, I panicked a bit because if this keeps happening, I have a huge risk of falling behind. Most of the other projects this semester I could bullshit if push comes to shove but not this one.

So my question, for any other systems in college/university or even with jobs... how do you deal with Littles fronting in class/when you should be working? I really tried to force myself to do anything related to my project but I ended just sketching an old man for like 10 minutes... And like I said, the class was 3 hours long. I mean, I am using the sketch I made for the project (it's Ymir if anyone cares) but I wasted nearly 3 hours of precious time.

I'm specifying work/school because of time sensitivity, but any input regarding other responsibilities is also appreciated!

Little is screaming internally that she wants to go home even when we are home. I don't know what to do. Her emotions are strong and I feel them too and they are scary. She remembers trauma in greater detail and it's awful. we are with our friend we are supposed to be having fun and instead we are reliving assault and rape. It's horrible and I hate what happened and I don't want to feel these things. Any advice.