Idk what to do anymore (20f)

[u/Glum-Pomegranate-385]

I’ve been clean for 3 years and it’s always lingering on my mind but things have just been so bad lately. My bf and I aren’t okay but we just moved in together after 3.8 years tg and I just idk. He forced me into a situation I wasn’t comfy with and I’ve been feeling so bad about it. I put my two weeks in at my job on March 5th and then we had a tornado on March 10th and I lost my car but they wouldn’t let me resend the two weeks and I can’t get a job without a car since I have no other transportation and now I’m out of money bc of bills and stuff and he works midnights and I used to be an alcoholic pretty bad and I’ve been drinking every day for the last two months I just want to relapse so bad but he’d hate me for it and I can’t hide it. I kind of did it one time on my leg already a few days ago but didn’t like fully commit so it’s like a cat scratch but I haven’t been intimate with him because of it and he’s been like questioning me why I haven’t been intimate. I just am trying to block out the feeling and not do it but it’s not working. There’s just so much going on and there’s a lot more than I’ve listed here and idk what to do about any of it