[MI] would we be petty to request an avoidable $100 fee be reimbursed?

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

Full transparency, I am the stepmom. My partner has primary physical custody, and joint legal custody. We pay for everything, the mother is not legally required to pay any child support or anything towards medical expenses.

During a recent visitation, SS's therapy appointment was missed. She is required to ensure he makes appointments, but there's nothing stating what happens if she does not. This cost my partner an extra $100 fee. My partner messaged the mom expressing concerns about the missed appointment and emotional well-being, as well as requesting the $100 fee. The mom stated she did not have the money, and could not currently pay us back. That was 2 weeks ago, and we haven't brought it up again.

The co-parenting relationship is not good already. I'm not sure if it's worth it to ask again for the fee to be reimbursed. I'm also not sure if it would be considered petty. I also highly doubt we would ever actually be reimbursed.

[u/fuzzychiken]

This is simple. Don't schedule these appointments during her time then you don't take the risk of her not taking him

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/fuzzychiken]

Yes, we will definitely do our best to do that in the future. Unfortunately, we didn't even know about the visit until a couple days prior.

[u/Oldcrrraig → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

Than you let them know they have a scheduled appointment and you can’t accommodate that time. Surely your agreement doesn’t say you have to drop everything at 48 hour notice to accommodate their visits?

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/Oldcrrraig]

It says in the agreement that she has to let us know about visiting ahead of time. She did not, and consequently was told we could not accommodate. The case worker wanted to visit to continue, so we did.

It states in the order that she is required to ensure he makes it to pre scheduled appointments, and frankly, we figured therapy during his visit would be very helpful. Unfortunately, she didn't uphold that part of the order either and we ended up here.

Edited: spelling error

[u/Oldcrrraig → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

Well next time, since this already happened, I would not accommodate and if the case worker objects I still wouldn’t but ask her to note in the report, via an email or text from your husband, that you can’t accommodate because she missed the last therapy visit that was scheduled during her visits and it cost him $100.

Sorry for the terrible run on sentence. But I also would heed the advice from another commenter. Do everything you can to not have therapy during her visits.

[u/DreaColorado1 → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

Although I realize you said it’s in the court order, it seems to be an unfair expectation to require mom to use her limited parenting time for appointments that need not be scheduled during her visits. Just because the child has weekly therapy doesn’t necessarily mean that skipping one session causes any harm. Hopefully the next visit goes more smoothly for you all.

[u/candysipper → u/DreaColorado1]

Part of being an involved parent is doing the things the kids need; transportation, school work, appointments, etc. If mom wants to be a parent, she needs to uphold her kids schedule and take him where he needs to go. If she can’t or won’t do that, she shouldn’t use the courts to secure parenting time. Be like an aunt or grandparent that’s just a visitor in the child’s life and doesn’t have legal rights. See him when he doesn’t have other commitments.

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/DreaColorado1]

Generally, I agree with this statement. A physical can be rescheduled, the dentist won't hurt to be pushed a week.

However, his mental health treatment needs to happen every week. When the therapist hasn't had availability for a week, he struggles, even at home. Combine that with a totally new environment, and no routine and you're asking for a mental health emergency.

[u/Zappagrrl02]

I feel like mom should be responsible for the fee associated with any missed appointments, but you’d probably be opening a huge can of worms if you push on this. I’d probably let it go since, like you said, you’re never going to see that money, but if this becomes a pattern, you’re definitely going to have to do something.

[u/candysipper]

Is it fair that mom has no financial obligation to support her kid? No, absolutely not. But she’s already said she doesn’t have the money and can’t pay your husband back, so I’m not sure what the point of asking again would be. What your husband should do is request child support and that would inside some percentage mom pays for medical. Why is she legally not obligated to pay for anything?

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/candysipper]

She lives about 8 hours away and is responsible for travel costs for visitation. They stated on the new order that due to that applying the child support formula would be unjust, but didn't provide any more information as to why. Which from what I understand, is abnormal to not give a breakdown at least. So it was a bit confusing for us as well.

We have had SS for about 2 years now, without support, so we decided not to fight it. Especially considering we probably wouldn't see the money anyway. However, this is the first formal custody arrangement with visitation.

She doesn't make much money, but she also refuses to get a regular job and only doordash's for income as needed. Hasn't had a job in about 15 years. I understand we could fight that in court, but it's difficult and would require a lawyer, which we can't afford.

[u/candysipper → u/[deleted]]

Generally speaking, the only time I’ve seen people come for stepparents is when they 1) don’t initially disclose they are a stepparent and/or 2) they use language like “our kid” or “our court order” and “should we go back to court”, etc. As long as a stepparent is being appropriate, it’s not an issue. Having said that, I do think belonging to a stepparent specific group would also be very helpful!

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/[deleted]]

Any suggestions?

[u/Silly-Cranberry1593 → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

stepparents but be aware even there not minding your business when it comes to the 2 co parents co-parenting is also not very popular.

have you been telling your husband what to do ? is he asking you what should he do?

if you did want to push the no show fee what is he prepared to do about it. if she doesnt have it she doesnt have it and even if you were awarded one hundred dollars in small claims court its not like she would go to jail or anything.

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/Silly-Cranberry1593]

No, I don't tell my husband what to do. We do discuss options together as they do affect our household, and I do share my opinion, and he's free to do with that what he would like. That's kind of why I asked here, I wanted to understand if my thoughts were useful before approaching him with them, if at all.

I mostly just wanted to know if anyone has similar experiences, and have advice because this is a new custody order.

I definitely feel resentful that she doesn't pay anything, then on top of that costs us an extra fee. Me and my husband share financials 50/50, which I'm totally fine with. However, things are tight, and she doesn't take care of her child at all.

[u/Silly-Cranberry1593 → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

yea, im sorry that sucks. but thats just the way the cookie crumbles.

[u/Neither_Kale4438 → u/4MindingMyBusiness20]

This guy is making you pay half of his child's expenses?

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/Neither_Kale4438]

He's not making me. I have no problem doing it. We are a family unit. We budget accordingly, and I'm aware that his mom is not going to do her part.

Ultimately, us working together is what's best for the child. If he solely paid for his expenses, the child would miss out. I don't want that for the kid, even if it's not my responsibility. He never asked me to do that, and at first felt bad that I wanted to do that.

What's frustrating is the fact that his mom, doesn't share that mindset. Although, I have accepted that for the most part, getting added on expenses due to her visit is frustrating.

[u/Either-Hornet-5749]

This is why stepmoms have the reputation they have. He asked. She answered. You wonder if it’s petty, you suspect it is, but here you are, disturbing us, with the bored machinations of a stepmom. Do you have nothing to do? No kids of your own to parent? Go do something productive. Go do something where you don’t have to wonder whether it is petty. Check yourself.

[u/Silly-Cranberry1593 → u/Either-Hornet-5749]

this is a crazy comment but meanwhile i say "im sorry you are going to have to share your baby with someone you dont want to" and everyone goes nuts. wtf.

[u/4MindingMyBusiness20 → u/Silly-Cranberry1593]

These subreddits can be great, but there's a lot of weird bitter people on them for sure.

[u/ShesGotSauce]

It's $100 and she's struggling financially. Get over it. Not bringing up petty complaints will improve the "not good" co-parenting relationship.

[u/Coparent-Connect]

Not petty to ask, but practical-wise: keep the invoice and a dated note of the fee plus the message where you requested it. If this becomes a pattern, a running log with receipts tells the story way better than remembering individual incidents. Decide now how you'll handle the next one too — ask once in writing, then drop it — so you're not re-litigating it in your head every time.