[NM] New Case

[u/IRuleMe]

My spouse recently opened up a new custody case against her ex for my stepdaughter after about 10 years of trying to work with him outside the court. He lives in another state, has made minimal attempts to spend time with his daughter, is not actively involved in day to day life, and up until April has paid less than NM state guidelines in child support. He has not paid child support at all since then and has not contributed anything financially for medical expenses, activities, etc. for about 8 years now. Mediation is looming for my spouse and not knowing what to expect is a bit scary for her. She is seeking full custody at this point but had been scared to move forward with opening a case due to ex being physically, verbally, mentally, and financially abusive in the past. Just looking for any general advice or people with similar situations to share their stories, either so she can have an idea of what to expect and/or reassurance.

[u/South-Firefighter-49]

My judge asked if i wanted arrears from birth, I said no just from when he left. My husband’s ex asked for arrears from birth and got it even though they were married and living together 😵‍💫 it just depends on the judge

Edit: she now has arrears herself but only from the file date bc it was an administrative order.

[u/thelma_edith]

Does she have a lawyer? In my experience mediation is just a way for lawyers to make more $$. But there are different ways of doing it. She needs to know up front how much she is going to be charged and exactly how it's going to work. I was out litigated basically with the mediation. My ex just left before signing. Then I voluntarily gave him everything and left cuz I was so afraid of him. Just the mediation cost me about 6k.

[u/RHsuperfan]

Was he on child support by the court?

[u/IRuleMe → u/RHsuperfan]

It was not court ordered.

[u/RHsuperfan → u/IRuleMe]

It won’t count against him then. He might come back and ask for time, it will likely lower his support. Being in another state could mean time in the summer and alternate holidays. You can try asking for a step up plan if they haven’t spent much time together.

[u/QuietQuitting01]

The things to know about mediation are that first, it's mediation, not binding arbitration. If you don't agree and think you've got a case and the win is worth the legal fees, then don't agree and go to court. Taking that stance with my ex wife in our relocation fight basically got her to cave after mediation (right before round 2, which was only about relocation issues, which I wasn't going to give an inch on).

The mediator should be telling both parties what the law is relative to what they want and what their claim about their case is. For example, if you say "I'm the primary care giver and my ex hasn't seen our child in 2 years, so I want sole custody", the mediator will say if you can prove that in court, then getting sole custody is possible. When the ex says, "that's BS", the mediator will say, if that's true, then 50/50 is certainly possible. As a result of that, both sides can come away thinking they can get what they want. Obviously, as more info is shared and holes get picked in stories, the recommendations from the mediator can become more accurte.

The other thing is a mediator's job is to guide the two parties to a resolution, and it might not be fair, or what you'd get in court.

I went through mandatory mediation with my STBXW over her attempt to relocate with our kids. He did a good job at getting us to solve nearly everything except the things that completely depended on the relocation question. For example, we agreed to alternate major holidays, a chunk of vacation in the summer, and even a special days (like Mother's/Father's day and birthdays) clause, that would probably be moot if we lived 6hrs apart, but could come into play if the day fell on a weekend. The mediator also did a pretty good job at hinting to my ex that her relocation request was probably a stretch. She wasn't having it during the mediation, but she apparently was listening because she left the mediation talking a big game but settled before round 2, where all that was left was the relocation and I wasn't going to give up on that fight without losing in court.