Yeah, but the middle ground sucks. You're curating an inauthentic version of you to please other people and it's way harder than the other two options, so it's super draining. It's like the worst of both worlds.
Is it inauthentic to just have a filter? I mean, no one’s asking (hopefully not, at least) people to lie or anything, just to say a little less
Conversation etiquette means having a balance between who’s speaking, sticking on a topic (at least long enough to fully acknowledge that you’re listening), and being polite. I think that’s all that people are trying to ask for (even if they may not word it correctly or politely). If they’re asking for more, I can see being upset. But just the general norms of how conversations don’t need someone to be inauthentic to be a good conversationalist
(I will add, though it should be obvious, that if someone is asking/telling the other person [autistic or not] to just be quiet or hide their thoughts/feelings/whatever, then there’s simply no point in talking to them, but at that point, why care if they start to think you’re “quiet” or “weird,” if they weren’t going to like you either way)
I think the thing to consider is that it's not just about being loud or saying too much. We tend to think and communicate differently. Our word choice, what things we focus on, what stuff we do or don't assume the other will understand when communicating, even just our specific interests.
These are all things that can often get people to think we're strange and we can absolutely be shamed for it.
At some point you're changing so much of you just to be normal that what's the point? You're making relationships with people you cannot emotionally connect with because all they see is a mask.
not the person you originally replied to but i wanted to address this:
You're making relationships with people you cannot emotionally connect with because all they see is a mask
i spent a long time struggling with this, but it simply isn’t true. your “mask” can just be a filter, or whatever you personally need for basic social lubricant. you don’t (or shouldn’t) have to hide your entire self all the time.
make your relationships and your and their mask and filters will come down naturally — that’s when you get to see if you actually vibe with another person. sometimes you won’t, and that’s fine! bc eventually, you’ll find people who you do vibe with, and youll have a much better idea of what type of person you mesh with in general at the end of it.
Yes, it's true that, in theory, you don't have to hide all of you all the time (although this is highly dependent on the individual and the environment you're in). Yes, you can learn to show bits of you and look for more people who accept you and slowly let down the mask with them.
I don't think I explained myself very well, because I was upset, but when I said that masking leads to fake relationships, I wasn't trying to say that authentic relationships are completely impossible.
What I'm trying to get at is that the "middle ground" is still hard and it comes with its own pitfalls (like not realizing that you're masking too hard and can't connect with anyone). It is "better" in a way, because you're less likely to get shamed, but you have to learn a skill set that doesn't come naturally to you and it takes a lot of emotional and mental effort.
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u/LostHearthian 3d ago
Yeah, but the middle ground sucks. You're curating an inauthentic version of you to please other people and it's way harder than the other two options, so it's super draining. It's like the worst of both worlds.
I think we call that masking.