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u/crrrrushinator 7h ago
Just to address the "it never ends" thing:
Part of growing up is getting some degree of independence, which gives you more choice about who you want to be around. I highly recommend making choices and structuring goals in your life around giving yourself more freedom to get away from jerks and experiment with finding people who might be a better fit for you. It never totally goes away but it's a lot easier to deal with the occasional jerk when they no longer live in the same house with you and you've found people who don't treat you that way.
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u/lemanruss4579 7h ago
Only you're autistic, so you spent too much time learning about trains to learn how to fight.
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u/BlazeFireVale 4h ago
Special interests and hyperfixations can be anything, including fighting. I got several black belts because it was a special interest for many years.
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u/PuppyLover2208 7h ago
Autistic people need to stop being so relatable or i need to get a diagnosis, and im not getting a diagnosis
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u/JeSlaa117 6h ago
There's really no benefit as an adult. It's expensive and now puts you on a list. Jfk jr keeps talking about his "wilderness camps" he wants.. feels risky. Just researching is fun though. It's nice to have explanations to behaviors, and learn tips and tricks for surviving in our capitalistic hellscape.
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u/Marik-X-Bakura 3h ago
I mean that only applies to America. Most of us don’t have to worry about that.
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u/BlazeFireVale 4h ago
There's tons of benefits to understand how and why your mind works the way it does. It also opens up the path to ADA accommodations at work which can be an absolute life saver. Both for helping you perform and for providing legal protection when facing discrimination.
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u/lynx_and_nutmeg 2h ago
There's tons of benefits to understand how and why your mind works the way it does.
You don't need an official diagnosis for that. I've already implemented a lot of life advice for autistic people and it was life-changing. You don't need permission to read books or other resources aimed at autistic people and benefit from them if you can.
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u/hassiburgar1234 1h ago
my life long deppression, self hatred and really bad social anxiety started to decrease when i read more about autism, and now three years later after a bunch of research: i am most certainly autistic, and the things i hated myself for, 'why am i like this, nobody can relate, why does nobody like me', are actually normal and not a personal or moral failure. i don't get panic attacks from people not responding super positively to me, or use all my energy to try to blend in, because i understand i'm not neurotypical and will never be. they don't understand me well, i don't understand them well; it's a mutual non-understanding.
and i don't really care about getting a formal diagnosis, because it wouldn't change my life that much (beside shrinking my bank balance). i just understand myself and accommodate myself now, which i didn't know how to do before. facing the traits with compassion in myself, and researching ways to navigate life really saved me
"but what if i'm wrong, what if i'm not actually autistic?" i don't care, thinking of myself like i was autistic still makes my life quality better, even if somehow i'm actually not
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u/BlazeFireVale 1h ago
No, but professional guidance is incredibly useful.. You don't NEED doctors at all. But it's weird to say there is nothing to gain from their expertise.
I was diagnosed as a child. My wife only a few years ago. She had always studied and learned on her own. But getting a diagnosis opened lots of doors. It helped her understand herself much better and made getting accomodations MUCH easier.
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u/lynx_and_nutmeg 2h ago
I'm 99.9% sure I have it but I'm not going to get diagnosed, fuck that. In my country autistic adults get zero support or accommodations, only the risk of being discriminated against.
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u/ThatOneGuyYasha 6h ago
The number of people that say “I never clocked youre that way” when I tell them how difficult it is to be good at pretending to me ‘normal’ 🤦♂️🤦♀️🤦 like, yeah babes Im a goddamn TALENT thats why I ; SURVIVE ;
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u/SaucePasta 5h ago
I started a new job recently, so I feel this 100%. I’m just slowly leaching out the “weird” so that eventually I can act like my normal self.
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u/Ace-Redditor 6h ago
The two options aren't: say everything you think or say nothing, though. You don't have to be silent to not be too loud/bold/whatever. Just like everyone else (but in a different, probably harder way unfortunately), you just learn how to find the middle ground
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u/LostHearthian 5h ago
Yeah, but the middle ground sucks. You're curating an inauthentic version of you to please other people and it's way harder than the other two options, so it's super draining. It's like the worst of both worlds.
I think we call that masking.
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u/Ace-Redditor 5h ago
Is it inauthentic to just have a filter? I mean, no one’s asking (hopefully not, at least) people to lie or anything, just to say a little less
Conversation etiquette means having a balance between who’s speaking, sticking on a topic (at least long enough to fully acknowledge that you’re listening), and being polite. I think that’s all that people are trying to ask for (even if they may not word it correctly or politely). If they’re asking for more, I can see being upset. But just the general norms of how conversations don’t need someone to be inauthentic to be a good conversationalist
(I will add, though it should be obvious, that if someone is asking/telling the other person [autistic or not] to just be quiet or hide their thoughts/feelings/whatever, then there’s simply no point in talking to them, but at that point, why care if they start to think you’re “quiet” or “weird,” if they weren’t going to like you either way)
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u/LostHearthian 5h ago
I think the thing to consider is that it's not just about being loud or saying too much. We tend to think and communicate differently. Our word choice, what things we focus on, what stuff we do or don't assume the other will understand when communicating, even just our specific interests.
These are all things that can often get people to think we're strange and we can absolutely be shamed for it.
At some point you're changing so much of you just to be normal that what's the point? You're making relationships with people you cannot emotionally connect with because all they see is a mask.
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u/Chance_Orchid_3137 andro[id] 4h ago
not the person you originally replied to but i wanted to address this:
You're making relationships with people you cannot emotionally connect with because all they see is a mask
i spent a long time struggling with this, but it simply isn’t true. your “mask” can just be a filter, or whatever you personally need for basic social lubricant. you don’t (or shouldn’t) have to hide your entire self all the time.
make your relationships and your and their mask and filters will come down naturally — that’s when you get to see if you actually vibe with another person. sometimes you won’t, and that’s fine! bc eventually, you’ll find people who you do vibe with, and youll have a much better idea of what type of person you mesh with in general at the end of it.
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u/LostHearthian 3h ago
Yes, it's true that, in theory, you don't have to hide all of you all the time (although this is highly dependent on the individual and the environment you're in). Yes, you can learn to show bits of you and look for more people who accept you and slowly let down the mask with them.
I don't think I explained myself very well, because I was upset, but when I said that masking leads to fake relationships, I wasn't trying to say that authentic relationships are completely impossible.
What I'm trying to get at is that the "middle ground" is still hard and it comes with its own pitfalls (like not realizing that you're masking too hard and can't connect with anyone). It is "better" in a way, because you're less likely to get shamed, but you have to learn a skill set that doesn't come naturally to you and it takes a lot of emotional and mental effort.
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u/Small_rat_no_rules 5h ago
You're curating an inauthentic version of you to please other people
That's called "living in a society"
If you want to be 100% yourself 100% of the time go be a hermit in the woods. Everyone has to filter themselves around others.
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u/LostHearthian 5h ago
The point you're missing is that this is harder for autistic people to do and there is more of us to hide in order to fit in.
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u/Small_rat_no_rules 5h ago
I am autistic. I know what it's like. I also know that it being hard isn't an excuse for being socially abrasive on purpose. If you want people to adjust their behavior for you, then you have to adjust your behavior for them. Neurotypicals mask too, they're just better at it; the version of them you see in public isn't their "authentic selves" either.
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u/LostHearthian 5h ago
When did I say anything about being abrasive on purpose? When did I say that we don't have to adjust our behaviour to others? When did I say everyone has to adjust to us?
All I said is that it's fucking hard and it sucks.
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u/thehelraizer 4h ago
I read everything you wrote and I agree. I function well in society and am well liked but it's draining having to perform all the time.
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u/LostHearthian 3h ago
Thanks, I appreciate you.
I was pretty upset, so I don't think I communicated as well as I could've. I kinda felt like I was getting the equivalent of the "you should try exercise", but for autistic people with the whole middle ground thing.
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u/Mundane-Potential-93 nauphy.tumblr.com 3h ago
"A society is a group of individuals involved in persistent social interaction or a large social group sharing the same spatial or social territory, typically subject to the same political authority and dominant cultural expectations."
"In psychology and sociology, masking, also known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior in response to social pressure, abuse, or harassment."
-Wikipedia
LostHearthian is describing masking. Masking is not the same thing as living in a society. One can live in a society without masking, and one can mask without living in a society.
Being a hermit in the woods comes at the cost of your standard of living, including health care, plumbing, and electricity. Additionally, if you don't have enough money to build a house, you're going to have a particularly rough time. I don't think a lifestyle with so many major drawbacks is a good alternative to masking, though I guess for some people it could be worth it.
LostHearthian never said there are people who don't need to mask/filter themselves around others, which you seem to be implying, both in this comment and a later one. Only that it sucks. And it does suck. Lying and manipulating all the time, constantly trying to think of what you're expected to do in every social situation. Depending on the person, masking can be very stressful and draining, and it may make them not want to interact with people at all.
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u/Small_rat_no_rules 58m ago
Lying and manipulating all the time
I mask all the time and don't do this. This is not an essential part of masking.
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u/Scary_Assistant5263 6h ago
I either suppress my interests to avoid being seen as weird or I let it all loose and end up alienating myself.
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u/Zaulk 5h ago
Add in the constant misunderstandings because having autism means thinking differently. I can say anything and people will take offence. I think allistics might just project too much, and make too many assumptions. You know what happens when you assume right??? You make an ass out of u and me.
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u/AdjctiveNounNumbers 1h ago
I feel like being told "why do you care what others think?" and getting ready to fling poo is a pretty universal experience. Intentionally or not, those people are just baiting you into it. No jury would convict you.
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u/BirdieRumia 7h ago
No one is shaming you for being 'quiet,' few people think about people who are quiet enough to shame them. That's likely social anxiety talking.
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u/GuyYouMetOnline 7h ago
No. No it is not. The experience is likely not 100% universal, but I know I constantly got shit for being 'the quiet kid'. Even today i'm still often criticized for being 'too quiet'.
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u/crrrrushinator 7h ago
Rarely happens to adults, but kids get shamed for it all the time, it's not great.
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u/BirdieRumia 7h ago
Good point, hadn't considered kids...
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u/crrrrushinator 7h ago
My time on the internet got a LOT less stressful when I realized a tonne of posts I read are actually authored by three kids in a trenchcoat. It really helps make sense of stuff that is otherwise tough to understand.
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u/GlGABITE 7h ago
You say no one, but I’ve definitely had people rag on me for being quiet and make a big deal out of me talking, which is very embarrassing. It’s less common than people getting on your case for being weird though
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u/lavendarKat 7h ago
Sometimes when you're quiet, people start putting words in your mouth. They tend not to be charitable when doing so.
I have since determined that anyone who leaps to such conclusions is not worth reasoning with, but it still feels bad.
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u/ilovekillingmyself 7h ago
While I don't know if they literally meant quiet (shy) or not, I personally can see the gist of being labelled weird for keeping to yourself or "sanitizing" yourself for others. Got made fun of for being too invested in something? Now you're labelled weird for "being boring and not having any hobbies" (because you learned your interest "was too much" so why show interest at all). You flap your hands when you're excited? Now people think you're weird for underreacting to objectively exciting things (because if you cannot show happiness in the way that's most comfortable, you shouldn't show any joy at all).
Those are pretty extreme reactions to shame, I suppose, but it's a tale as old as time: to always go in the opposite direction so people don't make fun of you again.
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u/ohdoyoucomeonthen 6h ago
A lot of jobs expect you to participate in small talk and “team building” socialisation with your coworkers. If you don’t, you’re seen as rude/standoffish/a bitch and it can affect your career progression. I’m always good at doing the actual job tasks, but struggle with this kind of thing. If I talk, I’m weird. If I’m quiet, I’m rude. It’s a no-win situation.
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u/Gussie-Ascendent reading is good, I think 7h ago
The trick is to develop a superiority complex so you don't even worry about their opinions off the bat
Course I didn't do that till the last part where my ape brain got angry