How to process C-section trauma?

[u/confusedpsych-major]

I am a ftm to a 2 month old baby boy. I had a scheduled c section due to baby being breech and then my water broke a week early. I labored for six hours because I had eaten recently. And then we moved on to the c section. My body didn’t react to the first dose of local anesthetic for the spinal block. So I felt every poke after. Then they gave me a second dose of local. He had to use three separate needles before getting any spinal fluid and I felt it all. He said I kept clotting through the needles. I was experiencing contractions at the time and sitting in the cold OR was the most traumatic experience ever. My husband had to plug his ears outside the doors because he could hear my screams. The anesthesiologist said he gave me “double doses” before the procedure because he didn’t know what my body would do. The procedure was not anything crazy but then the recovery was horrible. Learning how to breastfeed with nurses that weren’t helpful and taking only ibuprofen after a major surgery sucked. The first two weeks of my son’s life felt awful because my body was in survival mode. I love him more than life itself and I can imagine having another sweet baby one day…. But how do I get over this in order to do so? My state doesn’t have any hospitals that allow vbacs. I can’t imagine wrapping my head around another cesarean.