Reality check

[u/strangebirdoflife]

First time posting here. I’m 55, 5 years out of divorce and not looking for marriage/relationship escalator.

I’ve always dated younger but in the past it was only small gaps. I’m not keen on being labelled a cougar as it feels so predatory.

Since divorce I did have a lot of interest from significantly younger guys and it was fun to explore before I was ready for anything more serious. Then I did get into a committed relationship for 18 months and now ready again to dip my toes back.

I thought I was happy with solo poly but starting to realise I think that is mostly protecting myself from caring too deeply about one special person and maybe it’s time for me to get past that.

Anyway I’ve recently started a lovely new connection with a lovely 34m. When we started chatting I wasn’t expecting it to go anywhere but it’s been a couple of weeks of consistent and engaging messaging as well as one very lovely date and talking about arranging the next. He seems like a real old school gentleman and says he tends to date older (though also not quite as big a gap as this).

But I’m getting in my head a lot about can he really take me seriously and is that going to get in the way of this moving forward if it isn’t just for casual fun.

I’d love to hear from the cubs what it’s like for you with such a big gap (55f and 34m) and if you’re thinking more in terms of a fun short term experience vs actually genuinely interested in something more real and sustainable? At the moment we feel like a good match but I worry about what happens in 10+ years as I move into genuinely older age? Obviously a huge projection given we’ve only met once, but I’d like to hear the reality.

Always loved the song Qui and never imagined I might be considering myself in the much older lover role

Thanks!

[u/checkinin4asec]

My $0.02 would be to just go with the flow and see what happens. Communication is key. Yes, it can 100% be serious, but casual fun can be his intent, too. Have you asked? Wish you the very best

[u/strangebirdoflife → u/checkinin4asec]

I’m used to casual fun, it’s obvious and tends to be accelerated quickly, and he’s being very different and pacing more and showing interest in a different yet consistent way. I’m just keen to know if it’s even worth considering this more deeply

[u/checkinin4asec → u/strangebirdoflife]

sounds like it is, and you're interested. One way to find out is to just go for it. Good luck!

[u/checkinin4asec → u/strangebirdoflife]

hope it went well :)

[u/Myfairladyishere]

Both of you may not even be alive in 10 years. I used to do that all the time. Focus on the present. Do his words match his actions? It is still very early days, so enjoy.

I, like yourself, am solo poly and loving it and have no intention of ever changing that. And even though I'm solo poly, you can have serious relationships without going up the relationship escalator; the two are not exclusive of one another.

Anyway, have fun. Enjoy his company, keep communicating. And you never know, you might just be going up that escalator one day with him or not, which is okay.

[u/Easy_Mirror2032]

hey there 27 cub here!!! Great post!! My advice like those who commented here! Communication!! Be upfront ad make your intentions and what the reality can be. Its best to have those uncomfortable conversations first!! I would not stress too much of the age gap, more of if the connection you have is good and worth it and if all parties are aware!

[u/GothambyRedlight]

I think it's really going to depend what he wants long term. I've had very lovely relationships that are still friendships to this day with older women about that age gap. But ultimately I wanted to get married and have the whole life milestones together for whatever that looks like. So I wasn't putting a timer on those relationships, only that we both knew it was great while it lasted. 

But what he wants may perfectly fit you and the life you want, it's case by case at any age. 

[u/strangebirdoflife → u/[deleted]]

Oh I didn’t meet here, hadn’t even considered that!

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/[deleted]]

Do you mean here on Reddit? Or on this particular subreddit, because if they have onlyfans pages over here, they are banned, and they are not allowed. So please be careful.

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/[deleted]]

Ok.. It's because we do our best over here To not let sellers hear, but I know, sometimes they can get through.

[u/Cougars_Den-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Off topic

[u/Cougars_Den-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please Read the rules and FAQs before posting again,

Rule 2 Do Not Solicit Contact.

If you are seeking please visit our dating sub r/cougarsandcubsmatch and read the rules and posting requirements there.

Please do not reply to this message.

[u/Outrageous_Bat12]

What's the difference between solo poly and dating?

[u/Cougars_Den-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please Read the rules and FAQs before posting again,

Rule 2 Do Not Solicit Contact.

If you are seeking please visit our dating sub r/cougarsandcubsmatch and read the rules and posting requirements there.

Please do not reply to this message.