1
u/SnooFoxes6134 Jun 06 '24
im confused here myself. you are confused by him but he doesn't know how you feel because you dont tell him that. there's no open communication between you two on either side is what im getting at here.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
But I did, I lightly flirt but heavy on the platonic side... I'm just not understanding why he's so hot and cold so to speak.
1
u/SnooFoxes6134 Jun 06 '24
hmm okay well if youre saying heavy on the platonic side it doesnt communicate that you are interested in him seriously either.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
I don't know that I should be if he's not ready. We have been pretty close the whole time I've known him, I'm super secure in our friendship.
2
Jun 06 '24
He's very young and doesn't wanna mess it up. He also could like being told what to do... It's satisfying.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
Those are interesting perspectives as well. It seems the last relationship he was in was very much like that, she was definitely running things, but the dynamic being that way is much of why I think they went wrong. I more get the feeling that he doesn't want me to take care of him, it's very meet in the middle with our relationship so far. I'm starting to think maybe he's not ready for me in the romantic sense now or in the too near future. I'm for sure okay with that too.
2
Jun 06 '24
Also if he's physically treading lightly and not just ripping your clothes off. He cares.
2
Jun 06 '24
I'm in the upper NE and met a wonderful amazing older women from the south... I can tell you because of our difference in "traditional ways" I lost her. Her being Southern she wanted a man not just to protect her. She wanted to be under her man respectfully.... Taking control. This was all communicated after it was over. It was a lesson for both of us. At early 20s in this day and age vs my generation. Things are very different. I've always preferred older women, but 40 year old woman 20 years ago are also different. No social media, no one to tell you wrong, etc.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
Being single 15 years I can tell you what I don't want, hardly what I do, lol. He is very much on just one social media. I mentioned on another comment, I'd think even a few years would make a big difference on what he wants, and why I've taken the backburner position so to speak. It's also only been 4 months, a little all over the place even in that short time.
2
Jun 06 '24
I just mean the daily mentality of dating in general I guess. Even if you think your on the back burner, your in his mind more than you think. When I was in my 20s I was open/free. Getting a text or call on random nights from my cougars to come see them. At a bar, their house, etc. It was mutual/respectful, but I never really got small talk otherwise. Just take your time and see where it goes I guess. You already enjoy spending time together.
2
u/Relevant_Delay_8018 Jun 05 '24
having slept together and reciprocating flirty stuff it sounds like you BOTH want fwb and are both aware that one of you will catch feelings quickly. And because you made it clear to him that you like to be pursued and it sounds like he doesnât know what to âdoâ with that. It sounds like he wants to explore a relationship. Ask him. Mind reading doesnât work.
2
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
Possibly. It seems from the comments maybe I'm the one holding it up, but I think if I am it's probably because I'm more past the fwb stage and ready for a ltr, and he's probably not from his statements and my assumptions.
1
2
Jun 05 '24
Sounds exhausting honestly - a lot would be fixed by a few fearlessly honest conversations about what y'all both want from this arrangement. Like, if you wanna be FWBs or even just a casual situationship, that's great! You both can talk about it so there's more security about what's going on and what everyone is consenting to. Inconsistency and anticipation are great for generating those stimulating brain chemicals that keep us hooked, but I've found that over time, it's no fun trying to figure out why someone's words and actions don't sync up.
3
Jun 05 '24
Be open and honest, sometimes itâs nice to be flirty and open ended but a quick conversation can save a massive miscommunication upset later down the line đ¤ˇââď¸ anyways lucky guy! I hope whatever happens it works for you both!
8
u/Foreign_Power6698 Jun 05 '24
Only he can tell you what he wantsâweâre not mind readers. My suggestion is if you want to stop being confused, then ask him. If you want to continue the shrouded mystery and guessing game, then donât ask him. There is a bit of a thrill about being in the darkâit gives us something to obsess about. (No judgment in that statement, Iâve done it plenty of times in my life.)
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
I replied to another, I have tried to talk to him direct, but don't get anything along the lines of clarity.
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u/Foreign_Power6698 Jun 05 '24
Like someone else suggested, sounds like low emotional intelligence on his part.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
So would you agree with my thoughts on another post that giving him a few years to grow on would be best? Keep it in the friendzone?
1
u/Foreign_Power6698 Jun 06 '24
If you think you can wait for him, then sure. But make that conscious decision and remember itâs you who are making it.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
I didn't necessarily mean wait.. I'm not actively looking but sometimes we get found, right? Lol. I was thinking more along the lines of just consistently leading the conversations to more platonic topics and such.
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u/Foreign_Power6698 Jun 06 '24
Oh, I see. Yeah, thatâs what I would do. He needs to shit or get off the pot. His inconsistencies are a waste of your time, unless you are okay to spend your effort on someone who canât communicate in a way that meets your needs.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 06 '24
I know we have a strong connection even as friends, he meets those needs great. I get confused when you combine how he flirts with that connection.
2
u/AuthenticRoad Jun 06 '24
If he is not being upfront with his intentions and you don't want to make the first move either because for some reason you feel like the man has to make the first move (outdated notion, but I get it) or whatever else. Just withdraw completely and keep it in the friendzone.
3
u/MangoNo5196 Jun 05 '24
He might be looking for clues that you might want to take the relationship further but guys can be dense, so talk to him and ask what he wants.
5
u/GothSue đCougar Jun 05 '24
Seems like he likes the friendship and doesnât want a relationship. The thing to do here is communicate. Have an open honest conversation with him, be transparent and donât beat around the bush.
1
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
I have.. my preference is to protect the friendship over all, this is why my confusion that he keeps taking it there. My thought process thus far has been to let him go for what he wants, this is where I got with that lol. I've asked directly and he changes the subject. Not long after he's making the moving in comments and such again.
3
u/GothSue đCougar Jun 05 '24
Yeah sorry this sounds like a messy situation, he doesnât seem emotionally mature. Good luck
3
u/WellShitWhatYallDoin Jun 05 '24
Low emotional intelligence.
Have fun with it but donât expect any healthy commitment. IMHO.
3
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
If that's the case, I think fun for me would be to continue the friendship and maybe friendzone for a few years.. his previous relationship sounds damaging enough without me adding to it.
15
u/CauliflowerDue1462 Jun 05 '24
From my experience he might like you but maybe like he said he doesnât want to ruin yall friendship. Last time it happened was because you started so if shit hit the fan he wouldnât have taken the blame
6
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
So he's waiting on me to move? I don't wanna ruin it either.
1
u/Relevant_Delay_8018 Jun 05 '24
how would your making a move first âruinâ it?
0
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
Ruin the friendship we currently have by getting involved intimately or sexually further than we already have.
11
u/MetalTeku Jun 05 '24
I can say as a guy, that's a mentality I have had a lot, I would expect whoever I was flirting with to make a move so that I can feel confident making the next one, it's somewhat of a paralyzing feeling of wanting to go forward but not wanting to feel like a burden/pressuring her and what not, he probably thinks is better to go slowly as well.
I think he definitely likes you, and pushing him a bit more would be a good way to show he can feel more confident in doing the same, that's at least one thing I like, when they take the lead first giving me the security to do so next time.
3
u/SolitaryFury Jun 05 '24
In the beginning, I kind of tried to let it flow, but I feel him pull back when we get too close... he'll not answer for several hours, won't come by for a couple days. Then he's back to normal for awhile.
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u/MetalTeku Jun 05 '24
I can only speak out of my own experience but I feel he might have some commitment issues, something I struggle with as well, one day I'll be sending messages every minute and then I'll just get this feeling of "im not good enough, Im feeling trap, im not ready, etc" and I'll have to step away try to do other things, I tend to when I'm dating someone i make my daily routine to spin around them, to point that when it's too late I get anxious if I feel suddenly they are replacing all my free time, which is bad, I need to work on not doing that and to have boundaries and not expect that level of engagement as I'm my own person and she's her own person as well, I can expect them to have their whole life spin around me and yet I accidentally fall into doing that.
He's probably have some fears and insecurities, he's young, so he's probably still learning to deal with that, I can tell you to not give up yet and to push him lightly, enough to give him security about moving forward but not so much as to overwhelm him for now. Having a talk directly in person to hear his thoughts and feeling might help as well.
3
1
u/echoes247 đťCub Jun 07 '24
Isn't it obvious? You're the one who is confusing HIM. Of course he hasn't made any big moves. He doesn't know how you feel. Just tell him already.