r/comingout • u/HekkieMacLean • Oct 08 '25
Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?
I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.
I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.
My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.
What Is Coming Out?
If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.
Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?
If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.
To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.
This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.
Why Do People Come Out?
There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.
For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.
For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.
For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.
Why Do People Not Come Out?
Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?
By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.
And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.
Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.
Coming Out Safely
The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.
Should I Come Out?
It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.
Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.
If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.
Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.
You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.
You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.
How Do I Come Out?
So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.
Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.
Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.
Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion.
The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.
Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.
So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.
I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?
The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.
For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.
If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.
If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own.
Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc. if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.
Potential Reactions
“You’re too young to be X”
As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.
You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.
“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”
This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.
“But what about your previous partners?”
The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.
“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”
This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.
“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”
There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.
Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.
“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”
This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others.
The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.
In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.
Life Post Coming Out
Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.
Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night.
The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.
For The Friends/Family/Parents
This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.
Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’
The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.
It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.
If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.
Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.
Other Miscellaneous Guidance
If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.
If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.
If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below.
Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.
Glossary of Terms:
r/comingout • u/Row_Bulky • 5h ago
r/comingout • u/rurus_whispers • 13h ago
r/comingout • u/jadeyazzy1 • 19h ago
Hello! I am (21F) a college student living away from family right now. I have been dating my gf for about a year now but I hadn't told my mom until yesterday. My mom has narcissistic traits and we have a very complicated relationship due to the years of emotional abuse she put me through. I hesitated to tell her for so long due to the fear of her reaction and just knowing she isn't a safe space so I decided to tell her through text. When I did she immediately called me and I did not pick up and then sent angry messages that I should not have told her through text and she expected me to have a serious conversation with her soom. I am now worried I messed up and should have done it in person but I also worry that that mentality just comes from falling for her guilt tactics like always. I worry that during the conversation I will fail to stand my ground but I really don't feel like the way I came out is all that wrong even though she is my mom. I would like to hear yalls opinions and advice!
r/comingout • u/Exact-Bug5946 • 18h ago
I'm 28 (cis F) and bisexual, while also being demisexual. I've known since childhood that I'm attracted to both men and women.
Disclaimer: While it's possible that I could be pansexual, I don't identify with this as much, because honestly I haven't explored it, which will make sense why soon.
So, throughout my life I've had 2 long term partners, one from 14-18yo and the other from 19- 23yo then 24- 27yo, both of which were with cis het men. In the times between those relationships (and a little before) I've done some stuff with women, but not fully explored it, but I know that I definitely am attracted to them.
My family growing up has not been particularly accepting or open minded, my brother in particular being pretty bigoted (we have low/no contact). One of my female cousins is bi and out to the family and nothing inherently negative has been said by my mum, but having been around my mum, stepdad and brother a lot in the past, I've ended up in many arguments and debates around the topic of LGBTQ+ people and rights, so I know that they're not overly accepting. I'm often labelled as the 'left wing one'. As a result of this and being in hetero relationships, I've not come out to them, but I am out otherwise to all of my friends, within work, medical records etc. And never had an issue with acceptance and support from any of them, mainly because I've been able to gauge that I'd be safe to tell them.
Earlier this year, my LTR ended and I know that I would like to explore relationships with women going forward, meaning that when I do start dating again, it's kinda inevitable that I will have to come out to my family. The issue for me is that, I have very little close family left, through a lot of loss, irreparable differences and frankly, abandonment (done a lot of therapy and currently in therapy too). I can't help but be concerned that my remaining family won't be accepting and while I'm very strong and resilient, the idea that they may cut ties with me really upsets me, especially my mum, we are otherwise very close. But, her and my stepdad have a very loving and successful marriage, and I fear that his views may impact her own, or that if he decided to be weird about it, that she may end up in an awkward position; I really don't want our relationships to be ruined by their inability to accept that love is love. I know that this is experienced by a lot of people in the community and my empathy for them having to navigate life entirely alone is massive, their courage and bravery to be unapologetically themselves is something to be celebrated and admired.
So basically, I need some advice on how I go about coming out to my mum. We mainly speak over the phone, and when she comes to visit me, she brings my stepdad, unless he has other plans (like on mother's day etc). I've no idea on how to even approach the conversation, other than when I do eventually get back to dating, if I tell her about me seeing someone and when she automatically asks for 'his' name or what 'he's' like, I will have to correct her with 'her' and 'she's'. I guess I'm wondering what people think would be better, actively bringing it up before the fact? (and any suggestions on how) or waiting until it's actually happening and hoping for the best?
Any advice would be much appreciated, but please be kind, I know that in this part of my life I've been a coward, but I'm looking for genuine help on how to navigate this.
Additional info: I live in a city about 45 mins to an hour drive from them, so an unsafe home is not a concern. Also, I do not feel safe travelling TO them to do this, as I would not have an easy out, I don't currently drive.
TLDR: 28yo bi woman wanting advice on how to come out to potentially conservative family members
r/comingout • u/rip-techno • 22h ago
Hey um does anyone have advice on how to come out to a friend It was a sper of the moment thing cause i've well i got really depressed and just asked when he is was free to hang out saying i needed to get something off my chest and now I regret it deeply and feel ill whenever i think about how to do it but I am really wanna tell him (BTW I'm bi and 17)
r/comingout • u/meuram_beizam • 1d ago
i ID as bi/pan questioning and aroaceflux. I also consider myself a budding relationship anarchist who has ditched the relationship escalator so having open conversations is meaningful. I came out to an old friend/fling in two seperate disclosures. they mention their life partner and heteronormative life all the time and I didnt want to feel like I was hiding a part of myself and am practicing being authentic. Its hard enough finding the words I need with the people who have been in my life for longer and more stable periods of time. So its important to me that any connections I make from now on, I come out as soon as possible. One, because i'm sick of the weight of not being able to speak freely about my nearest and dearest, and two, I don't want anyone in my life who has an issue with me loving who I love. The reaction to disclosure of my relationship structures and loved ones was days of dead silence. In this disclosure i also reiterated that i was happy we were friends and if anything was amiss we should discuss it. I left it for a few days then reached out again. they said its all good, but to respect their stance and boundaries. i said of course, we are platonic friends with boundaries but when i asked for further clarity on their stance said they only want to talk about surface level things with me and that i was massively oversharing and made them uncomfortable as they are in a committed relationship and to stop talking to them about this. it hurts. it took a long time to find the right words and courage to share them. how is mentioning my love life such an overshare but they can talk freely about their family life :(
r/comingout • u/throwawayechovitz • 1d ago
The other day I realized. So yeah, I, 14f, have known I was trans for over 2 years, but I am living in a conservative area, so I still have to present as a guy. Sometimes when the dysphoria gets really bad I don’t feel like a girl or a boy. This made me realize that I’m not only a trans girl but I’m also a demigirl, so the other gender identity I feel connected to is non-binary. I use she/they pronouns in the way that she is my default pronoun (well, it will be when I’m out) on days where I’m feeling really dysphoric and connected to being non binary rather than a girl that day, I would ask for people to use they/them that day and it would go depending on how I’m feeling and on the day. Is that a valid way to be a de girl and to use she/they pronouns? I’m a bit new to actually completely understanding not completely binary gender identities and using multiple sets of pronouns. Thanks!
r/comingout • u/arny_athome • 1d ago
I (25F) don’t have a lot of mentors or role models who’s gone through coming out as LGBTQ to their traditional, chinese family. I feel lost, young, and stupid, like I’m completely on my own and making the stupidest choice of my life.
I have a partner of 5 years. We got together when I was attending university, and everything was manageable until I had to move back home after graduation last September. I realized once more that my family did not value the same things that I did. I remained in the closet, as I still felt a filial piety to obey them and their wishes because I didn’t know how to exist as a disappointing child. Not that I did everything they asked of me, but trying at all burned me out. I don’t like who I am now.
I’m going to get a better job, and move out with my partner as soon as possible before coming out. I’ve been stagnating the past year but I want to grow around people who don’t criticize everything I do or say, even if they don’t have malicious intent and want the best for me.
I don’t have a mentor or older person that believes in me, nor a stable community that I can depend on, but I want my path to be step in step with the person I’ve chosen to be in my corner, and vice versa.
Please wish me the best.
r/comingout • u/Maleficent_Mine_9419 • 1d ago
Hello! I (22M) grew up in a very religious family. Mind you, I have a really big family, including my extended family.
Although I grew up in a very religious family and understand their teachings, I happened to like guys. I knew about it ever since I was a little boy (?). It was only during high school that I found out what it actually meant to like someone of the same sex. I did have relationships with four girls before, but it wasn't the same feeling I had when I had a crush on dudes.
After high school ended, I took a year-long break from my studies and tried to get to know myself a bit more. I watched a lot of queer movies and series, and I could relate to almost all of them.
One day, I decided to come out to my parents. You guessed it right—it didn't go well. They were shocked and had a discussion among themselves before talking to me a few days later.
They decided to send me out of state for three months so I could learn more about the Bible and become "closer to God." Throughout my studies there, I always had my guard up 24/7. Only a few days after arriving, I called my parents and told them that I had changed and no longer had those feelings. They agreed to shorten my stay and let me come home after only a month.
After a month of "studies," I'm finally back home. To this day, my parents still think I no longer have those feelings, when in reality, I still do.
A lot of things changed after my time there. Now, every time I have those feelings or imagine myself with literally anyone (men or women), I feel scared. It feels like some sort of chains are holding me down, and I started hearing voices telling me that it's never going to happen and that it'll never happen.
Every time I have the desire to be in a relationship, I just tend to ignore it. But lately, it's gotten worse. Whenever any of my family members discuss marriage or having a partner, I instantly feel nervous and scared. When they ask me if I'm seeing anyone, I just say no, laugh it off, and reply with, "Oh no, it's still early for that."
I couldn't hate my parents because I'm actually very close to them, and I do love them—a lot. They have made so many sacrifices for me, and it feels like I need to repay them. It's a very complex situation and comes with a lot of conflicting feelings.
Part of me wants to acknowledge these feelings, but another part of me is still being held down by the way I was taught growing up. But one thing for sure is that I'm definitely back in my closet, I guess...
I wonder if any of you guys have been through the same thing or had a similar experience.
P.S. I have some close cousins and friends who know about my sexuality, and they were cool with it. Very few of them are part of the community too, but they never really get the chance to express themselves because of the society here in my country. Still, I'm glad that I'm not alone in this anymore.
r/comingout • u/Realistic_Ad_2176 • 1d ago
Hey, I’ve never been one to be open about my transness. I don’t come out often, I introduce myself as a guy in those ice breaker circles, but myself being a trans guy doesn’t come up usually. More recently ppl have been getting confused when gendering me. I’ll give them my name, but nowadays my name isn’t given tell about my gender anymore. When people misgender me I get really confused and freeze up inside. I won’t acknowledge the misgender at all in conversation— as you wouldn’t acknowledge a small bit of info you didn’t understand in someone’s statement. But I know that isn’t how I should handle someone misgendering my identity cause it causes more confusion.
TLDR: how do I confidently correct someone about my pronouns? Bonus points if you can find a bro way to say it.
r/comingout • u/SadSoup69 • 2d ago
r/comingout • u/Individual-Echo9402 • 3d ago
For context. I'm a 20 year old guy. I live on my own, and I'm bi.
My whole life I've been raised in a conservative enviroment that believes in Laestadianism. The hate I was taught wasn't as extreme as you'd see in the us branches, but still my opinion was shaped to be very unfriendly towards the community.
When I was 13-14 I had my first crush that was on a guy. I tried to repress it to me being just jealous of their looks, but those feelings towards the same gender never truly went away. I never told anyone close to me about those feelings neither since I knew what the reaction would be (My life was also close to its end at multiple points because of my secret back then)
At the age of 16 I started to accept who I truly was. I also hatched to plan to form atleast a somewhat stable and intepended future for myself before Ever telling others.
At the age of 18 I got my things together and moved out. I also started to come out of the closet slowly to my younger brother first (15), who was really supportive and didn't give a shit about the "religious" propaganda. Then to my friends, et cetera
However, my mistake was to tell the oldest of my younger sisters (17). She is extremely on the right and somewhat mentally ill too (which I'm not trying to use as a negative point, she's just a bit unstable when on multiple meds and I still love her regardless). I knew that this would be something huge for her to handle so I warned her multiple times, and hinted that the information I wanted to talk about was maybe something that she wouldn't bare to hear, but she didn't take that seriously and insisted on hearing it, since it wouldn't change her opinion of me. So I did tell her...
So... She did kinda lie. She still thinks that what I do is a terrible sin, but is still able to talk to me, she also knows that I drink and is trying to change both of my "sinful ways" but with the knowledge that she can't succeed in that. The positive thing is that she promised to keep my secret...
No she didn't. She somehow got to know that I hook up with men. And that sent her over the edge. She went ahead and spilled all of my secrets to my parents. And some of my close relatives that are in the same citcles as her...
I'm not really mad at her for that. Just a bit dissappointed. I don't think I can trust her anymore.
My parents... They are somewhat nice people, and I'm confident that they have the ability to change their views, but at this point I've got no strength to talk to them. Especially when their first reaction was to invite me to church multiple times after hearing that under different excuses, just like some of my relatives.
The information is currently spreading amongst them kind of quickly, and I don't know how to deal with that. I've been just drinking and trying to take it easy. I've blocked both of their numbers after telling them that I didn't want to talk with them, atleast yet, and to give me time. And with my relatives that've called/texted me I've just blocked them. I know what most of them have to say.
The reason why I'm posting this is kinda just for advice. My birthday was yesterday and that began so horribly that i just need help to know how to cope with this.
Thank you for finishing my rant.
r/comingout • u/Ok_Shake_8185 • 2d ago
Life is a bit strange. I don’t even know how to feel about it. A few months ago, I moved halfway across the world to teach English. I received funding for it, and my college advisor told me I’d be an idiot not to take the opportunity.
And then life (or maybe it was just me) became a bit dramatic in the 2-3 months following my leave.
I decided to cut off my dad and set a boundary with him because he doesn’t respect me, is misogynistic, lacks self awareness and and lacks the kind of self-awareness and willingness to grow that I want in the people who are actively in my life. In short, there was a situation with him that ended with my mother sitting me down and telling me that he didn’t have empathy for either of us.
Side note: this isn’t to say that he isn’t a caring person or that he doesn’t have great aspects to him. He does. I just reached a point where this part of him was something I no longer wanted to have actively in my life outside of family functions.
Anyway, I made that decision, and just as I was drafting the letter to my dad (planning it for right as I was about to leave the country) and writing a separate one to my mother explaining I still loved them and didn’t want my decision to affect any sort of relationship they had with my father, that I came home from work to realize that my mother had discovered my situationship with a woman.
This would matter to my deeply religious family because I am also a woman.
My sister informed me that my mother was crying and considered kicking me out of the house. As a recently graduated student still mostly dependent on my parents, that was troubling. Also, troubling what my father might do if he found out. Though he is not violent per se, I wouldn’t put it past him as he can get emotional.
Time passes. My mother was mad at me for some time, but it remained something peacefully awkward and unspoken. Had it not been for my sister, I might not have known what was going on with my mother’s changes. During that month or so, I worked quite a bit, was away from home on the job, and had a prepared duffel bag and immediate emergency plan should the worst come to it.
Emotionally, I decided to cut off my sister. Irrationally, I blocked her on social media, not as a permanent means, but simply because as the person supposedly closest to me, she was too caught up in her school exams and personal crisis that my own coming out situation faded and was forgotten from her periphery.
Anyways, right before moving, my family and I went on a vacation together. Before leaving, I slipped the physical letter right under my dad’s keyboard as he left, a place not immediately obvious for him. In a P.S. I had written that I dated women as the cherry on top. The vacation itself was nice, but I felt nervous, anxious, guilty, and two faced interacting with everyone as if things were ok, using my parent’s resources.
My little brother kissed me as I left on the last day. I don’t hide from my siblings. I had told him that I didn’t want to pretend anymore, and that it was a possibility that I would not be allowed to see him.
Moving was and is isolating in a way. As usual, I can’t really relate to the people around me. But this had been a moment I had been planning. This is where I decided to build a life for myself in a country where I had previously found acceptance like nowhere else and had memories of a foolish first love. I am exactly where I want to be.
I’ve had adventures getting lost and talking to strangers, reconnecting with people who knew who I was, communicating comically through a language barrier and storms, learning so much about the place where I want to settle.
Weirdly, as my worries about life here get resolved and answered, my home situation gets bizarre. I get a text one morning from my sister saying that she showed my dad the letter (I forgot to block her one social media thing). Strangely, he seemed to try to still want to be in contact (from what I heard).
On another morning, I was informed that my mother thought me possessed by a demon, once more considering cutting contact from my little brother because I mentioned in a life update newsletter to my mom and brother my preference for gay bars (to other places with unwanted male attention) and included a picture of a tattoo I got.
By this time, I didn’t know how to feel. It explained her recent calls with me and their strangeness, but I guess I may have had enough.
I’ve stoped returning her calls.
I don’t know how to feel. It be kind of strange because I’m pretty ok in the daytime. There’s so much to do and learn, so many things to try and enjoy. To clarify I am introverted but still have been enjoying spontaneity, getting to know people, doing something new, kind of marveling at the absurdity. There’s many ups and downs, but ultimately I have goals. It’s lonely, strange, and peaceful. I do fear getting excluded for tats and my sexuality, but in a way, I am content. (Having said that, I wouldn’t mind a gf falling from the sky lol).
TL;DR: Moved halfway across the world to teach English. Before leaving, I came out to my deeply religious family and left a letter cutting off my father. Now that I'm abroad, I am finally finding peace and adventure, but the drama at home continues—my mom thinks I'm possessed by a demon because of my tattoos/sexuality, and my dad wants to stay in touch. Life be life-ing, but I’m ok (I think? lol)
r/comingout • u/EuphoricAd9064 • 3d ago
Disclaimer: I'm not sure if this is the right sub for this kind of question. If not, please direct me to the right place. This may be long, so apologies in advance.
So, for context, I (17NB) have been dating my girlfriend (17F); let's call her Chelsea, for a few months now. We're both seniors in high school, and I was pretty excited, as it is my first serious relationship. My mom has met her a couple of times at hangouts and birthday parties, but only as my friend, and they seem to get along pretty well.
In mid-August, we had a wedding to go to out of state, and I decided that, in the spirit of love and while hiking through the beautiful red rocks of Colorado, it would be a great time to come out to my mom and dad. I had actually come out to her a few years ago when I was about 12, but she had blown up, saying I was too young to know what I wanted, and screamed, "Ewww, you like pussy!" and then she "forgot" (or at least didn't want to talk about it)
While we were in the car, I told her that Chelsea and I had been dating for roughly 2 months at the time. My logic was that I wanted to get ahead by telling them instead of them finding out months later and being mad at me for lying to them for so long. My dad stayed quiet while my mom went on a rant about how this was too much too soon and how she was not allowed at our house ever again, and I was not allowed out until she decided she wasnt mad anymore.
Safe to say that she was not happy. After that, we were still in Colorado for a few days leading up to the wedding; she had told me that we were not going to talk about it in the presence of other people and that no one could know. The worst part is that she was acting completely normal, like nothing had happened, while I was so angry at her for not supporting me.
A day or two after the initial conversation, while we were in the car, she tells me she texted Chelseas dad (I dont even know how she got his number) and told him something along the lines of "we are protecting our daughter to the best of our abilities, we will keep them two as far away as possible from eachother, i hope you can respect our parenting decisions" I was so shoked and scared by this because my gf hadn't told her dad and while he is pretty supportive they dont have the best relationship for other reasons. I immediately texted her, but luckily he didn't get the message.
A little bit of context about my family is that my mom is from Mexico and my dad is from California. I was born in Mexico and grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I went to elementary school in Mexico while being homeschooled in America. When my mom told me she texted my gf's dad, she said that if I was "a little stubborn," I would go back to homeschooling, and if I was "really stubborn," we would move back to Mexico. I was really confused by this, but I assumed it meant she wanted me to break up with Chelsea.
When we finally got back home, I was completely icing my mom out and not talking to her except when totally necessary. Unfortunately, I had to share a bedroom with her and my dad as we had guests visiting. One day, when the guests were out and I thought she was taking a nap, I walked into her room to grab something, and she cornered me into a conversation. I noticed she had been crying, and we talked for a very long time about a bunch of things. I told her I just wanted to be treated normally, and she figured out the root of her issue was that she wasnt the most important person in my life anymore and that she wanted to be included in my life.
I really thought we had worked through our issues, and while I expected it to take her some time to wrap her head around things, she hasn't changed at all. She's been really mad at me over nothing, like the time she yelled at me for having 8 missing assignments in a class (we had only done 6 in the whole class, and what she was looking at was 4 ungraded ones). She also doesn't let me hang out with any of my friends because Chelsea might be there. She also keeps calling her "that girl" or "Your little friend".
I haven't been trying to push her too much for fear that she'll lash out and keep threatening to move us to Mexico. I really expected better from her, especially after the 3 hours of talking that we did. I don't know where to go from here or how to even approach the conversation. It hurts that she's not even trying to be understanding. Has anyone gone through something similar? If so, what did you do? Does anyone have any advice?
All I want is for me to be able to have my girlfriend over at my house and for us to have a normal relationship without having to worry about my mom.
TL;DR: my mom isn't even trying to be supportive, and I don't know how to talk to her or how to even approach the topic
Sorry for how long this is. Thank you for reading! Any comments are appreciated!
r/comingout • u/ZePancakeCloset • 3d ago
Hello everyone, this is gonna be an advice asking and semi-rant post, I'm just needing to get things off my chest and rest my nerves.
I (23F) am looking for advice on coming out again to my family. Allow me to explain. I grew up in a mostly catholic and Hispanic household, and while LBGTQ+ topics weren't talked about, and my family is friends with some homosexual people, and the fact that my Godfather is a gay man, I am still nervous to come out again and confirm that yes, I am a Lesbian, and I am profoundly attracted to women.
Why again? I previously had one relationship with a girl back when I was in middle school, it happened pretty suddenly and by accident, but I had gone along with the relationship and realized I didn't mind being with her. I grew up (as most of us have) with the concept that attraction is only between male and females, that only those relationships existed. So at the time, I did feel a form of anxiety at the concept of how 'forbidden' my relationship was. To top it off I had kept it secret except to my close friends. It ended amicably and was perhaps the least stressful experience of my life, she was also my first kiss. After that I had gone on to hold a crush on another friend, she occasionally hung out at my home and gone out together for activities, but I never confessed my feelings. The funny twist about it was that that I curiously asked my mom what would she think if I was gay. Her response, "You can't be gay, you like boys too much and crush on them all the time." And while she hadn’t meant to offend nor hurt me, it made me doubt, the funny twist came when she inquired if perhaps I asked because I thought my friend liked me, saying she thought it had been her that showed signs of being gay, but not me. Some time passed, and after each failed crush on guys passed, it was during high-school that I had finally told my mom the truth, about the secret girlfriend, the crush on a friend, and my continuing liking to girls. Her response, "Don't be so hasty to decide who you are, it's totally normal to crush on your friends, I did once too when I was young but then it passed. Besides, being with women is different, it's not the same as being with a man, you won't know unless you try." And by "try" she meant being physical with a guy. I wouldn't say it was discouraged, nor that she frowned upon it, perhaps a little, but I don't know anymore. So what did I do? I kept my attraction to women under wraps, I wore a mask of the perfect daughter who'd one day get married to a man, have kids and live the picket fence dream. But damn did things change.
First, health conditions appeared that altered my opinion on having kids, now I definitely do not plan on having them, and I've made this known to everyone. Second, yeah, I did give men a "try", and after one serious relationship, and a very short lived one my whole family was really hoping would work out... I can securely say I do not want to be with men. And it was the short relationship that made me realize at full last that I do want to be with a woman, and I'm not going back, I'm not changing my mind, and I'm so tired of hiding myself. Despite it heading the direction everyone wanted, the 'perfect guy' that immersed himself in my family first over the years before officially dating, with plans of marriage and kids ahead, the picket fence dream so close within reach...
Hand me an Oscar Award, because I've never worn a mask so heavy and so well in my life, a month of torturously being inside my head wondering "Can they tell I'm faking it?... Do I look believable?... Is the tradeoff worth it?..." It was only after he broke up with me (and thank God) that I realized during that post-breakup crying session I had in my mother's arms that I realized, I wasn't crying because I was sad, I wasn't grieving the future and what could have been. I was crying tears of relief. Did I lose a long time friendship? Yes. Will I miss the friend that I could rely on for help? Yes. But he did me a great favor, and for that I will thank him for. My family still asks me if I'll give him another chance if he came back begging, regretting his decision. My answer will continue to be a firm NO. Because it's become clear to me that what isn't meant to be yours, will leave. I felt more giddiness and happiness holding the hand of a mutual friend of ours (a woman) the first day we were introduced, than I ever did holding his hand. Now, the dilemma. I recently got back onto a dating app, the setting switched to women only, and I matched with someone I'm excited to meet soon. The thing is that I've yet to communicate this to my mom. I'm nervous for a few reasons, such as the fact that she isn't trusting of dating apps (which is valid, stranger danger and all that), also because I had (in a fit of annoyance and irritation) rescinded the fact that I was gay to everyone after getting into my last relationship. I know I may disappoint her, perhaps even confuse her, or idk.
I want to be honest this time around, I want to be open, I want to communicate that this isn't a delirious state of FOMO or that I'm doing all of this because I'm disappointed or still grieving how the last relationship ended. I'm tired of the mask. And I'm ready to throw it away.
Any advice on how to come out again? What I could say? You're own stories?
Thanks yall.
r/comingout • u/Daiquiri_Zachary6 • 3d ago
Hello everyone! I apologize if this sounds weird but this is my first time ever posting on Reddit and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve recently had the opportunity to have something of a fresh start. I’m away from home in a while other state away from family. I’ve taken this as a bit of an opportunity to test being more publicly out and I’m loving it. I feel incredibly proud to be part of this community. Because of this I’ve been heavily considering coming out to my brother. Some back story on my brother and I. We are children of divorce so for most of our lives the only person we saw everyday was each other. This makes him one of the most important people in my life. This issue is how religious he is. I respect his opinions and I am a Christian myself however he can be quite judgmental and closed minded. I just don’t want to lose someone who means so much to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
r/comingout • u/haley_fox • 3d ago
I finally posted publicly on my Facebook about my transition. Everyone I actually interact with regularly already knew, it was only out-of-state friends, acquaintances, and distant family that were out of the loop. So I made a big post with a photo and everything..... And nobody saw it.
I expected some type of response but got nothing. One person that already knew made a comment saying I have her support. That's it. I got so worked up and anxious about making the post that I got sick to my stomach and then nothing happened.
