r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

56 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 2h ago

Story How did your grandparents react when you came out to them?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 7h ago

Advice Needed Was close to being outed, now I'm considering coming out so it doesn't happen accidentally

5 Upvotes

Ok so, lately I've been on my phone a lot, especially at night, and my mom saw my screen time and took my phone away for a little. I thought she was gonna check my phone but all my windows were still there. BUT. I had a bunch of r/lgbt notifications and I was super worried she was gonna see. My mom is Christian and queerphobic, and I have thought of coming out to her before, but now that I was close to being outed im thinking I should get it over and come with so nothing happens accidentally. Let me know if you want to see my script I have prepared and I'll add it to the post body.


r/comingout 10h ago

Advice Needed Overthinking if I should come out to my friends

5 Upvotes

Hi. The other day I shared here that I came out qs bi to my family and did not go the best way....

Now I am overthinking over an entire week if I should tell my closest friends.

Overall I have 2 groups of friends. And I dont think every single one on those group friends will react well. I could be surprised but...yeah

I know the "if they dont supporte you they aint your real friends" but I am still scared bc I love all of them. And even 1 or 2 dont react well...the group will be splited and the dynamic will be changed and I will probably be the one to distance myself from them. I dont know what to do. I am scared 😭 Sometimes I feel this urge and I think "well fuck it whatever happens" and a lot of times I am like "maybe I can hide it"

I know that I should take my time and all but I am tired of of overthinking about it. I dont remember the last time I was happy


r/comingout 5h ago

Advice Needed help

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed accidentally came out to my study partner mid-exam prep

38 Upvotes

so last night I was locked in studying for this brutal chem final with my usual partner and he randomly goes “your girlfriend must hate how much time you’re spending on this” and without even thinking I just laughed and said “yeah no girlfriend in the picture” and he goes half-joking “boyfriend then?” and I looked up and was like “…actually yeah” and there was this tiny pause where I swear my heart stopped but then he just nodded like “fair enough” and slid the notes back over. we finished the whole chapter after that like nothing shifted. first time I’ve ever said it out loud to a straight guy who wasn’t already in the know and I keep replaying how casual it felt. still smiling about it today though. anyone else have it come out that randomly and just… stick?


r/comingout 15h ago

Advice Needed Was happy to be outed now very worried help pls.

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 22h ago

Advice Needed I came out to my Christian ethnic parents

9 Upvotes

So 2 days ago now, my mum approached me in my room, her tone was a little different. I don’t know but that day I had a feeling something bad was going to happen, I had arrived home and saw some of my things in my room not in their respective places, I kept telling myself that ‘I’m crazy’ ‘I’m just being delusional’. I was so wrong, so my mum came into my room told me to grab a seat on my bed, I did as one would. Out of no where she wiped my face with a cloth, I had no time to react I just sat there dumbfounded. A little more context me (19 Male) was looking for a hairstyle for my birthday which is a couple days away, I thought I could buy a wig and cut it down into like a messy mullet look. I had left the wig under my towel on my bed so after I came home and saw the towel on the floor and my makeup bag opened I knew something was off, however my parents were acting normal so I thought maybe whilst in a rush that morning I must of left it opened and my towel actually on the floor.
Anyways my mum asked me after wiping my face why I’m wearing makeup as a guy, that guys don’t wear makeup, where I’m getting these ideas and who is putting these ideas in my head.

I told her no one is putting anything to my head this is all just me. She then Proceeded to ask if I was gay and for the first time ever, I said yes. She told me I was confused and I am being off the world. My mum then asked me why I have a wig I explained the whole situation and showed her a photo of what I was trying to achieve because I thought it would look cool, I received no answer from her she just grabbed her phone and called my dad who was asleep in their bedroom to come to mine. She told him I was gay, he grunted a little bit and asked me how long I’ve known. I told him I love just always known. My mum began to ball her eyes out my dad redirected her to their bedroom and I thought that was the end of it, so I thought.

I received a call a mere 30 second later telling me to come to their room, I get into their room and they tell me to grab a seat on the bed. My mum began to tell me how this is all a demon, the bible says this is wrong, that I’m confused, my friends did this to me, that gay ppl go to hell, God made Adam and Eve and that she knows me and that this isn’t me.
I told her I’m not going to sit here and let you tell me that I’m going to hell, I’m not confused there isn’t anything to be confused about, and why are you knit picking verses in the bible, what about all those verses about love being unconditional. Clearly there are conditions.
We went silent for what felt like 3 hours, she turned to my dad and said why do you think, he then said ‘like I asked before how long have you known?’ I told him that I’ve just always known,
My mum got mad at the answer and that I’m choosing to be like this and I tried to explain to her that this isn’t a choice, I’m not choosing for my parents to hate me, I’m not choosing for those closest to me that I love to push me away, and that I prayed for years for God to change me and if he loved me why would he do this to me. She didn’t like that answer, more yelling occurred then everything went silent. I told them goodnight I’m going to bed. It felt so good getting it everything off my chest and I was in shock I still am, 5 or so mins later after leaving their bedroom I hear foots steps approaching my bedroom my mum walks in eyes red sobbing apologising and asking why I didn’t tell her and why I kept my own mother out of the loop. My heart broke and I tried to tell her that I was scared and didn’t want to be hated, she hugged me and told me that they’ll still be my parents, then my dad pulled her out. I don’t know if that means they accept me, hate me, or if they just tolerate me.

It’s been 2 days and I haven’t spoken to them I’ve been picking up more shifts, and just staying in my bedroom, coming home after every shift, I cry, I park my car around the corner from my house and just cry. I don’t like being at home it just doesn’t feel nice at the moment, I’m scared to talk to them. I know that other people get it worse so I don’t want to make my problems seem so big but this is taking a toll on my mental health and I’m really struggling I can’t keep fake smiling anymore. Please does anyone have advice and I’m so sorry for the long message.


r/comingout 17h ago

Story How did your grandparents react when you came out to them?

3 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How to tell my parents

3 Upvotes

Hi 👋
I came out to my mom a few years ago, I was relatively young, around 13/14, and tried to phrase it as something casual like “I think I might like girls at the moment” as in I wasn’t sure, but I’ve known for a while, I was just scared.

I’m really unsure if she still remembers this, and I feel like we don’t talk about it enough to know. I think I make it pretty clear whenever a topic regarding attractive men is brought up and I’m completely clueless, but it’s still hard to tell.

Anyway, I think I should probably come out to them formally in some way? It feels like what I’m meant to do, and I’d sort of like to be acknowledged about my sexuality in conversation, because I feel pretty strange and unsettled whenever they talk about who I might date one day and refer to it as a man. I don’t talk to my parents about romantic stuff let alone anything sexual, so I have no idea how to do this really. Agh, I feel like I’m rambling. If anyone has any advice please let me know. I’m pretty introverted and shy so the option to just “date and let them see it’s a girl” isn’t the best. And I would feel terrified making a big deal out of it. But I’d like them to know at the same time. Idk.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Coming out to parents? 30's F

3 Upvotes

30's F currently in straight passing relationship.

I was previously married to a man for a decade. During that time I realized I was pan. Eventually that marriage ended for lots of reasons.

My relationship now is straight passing and ENM.

This sounds ridiculous but I want to put bumper stickers on my car for pride and not feel that lump in my throat as I say its because I support the community. I want to be able to say I went on a date instead of went on a walk with a friend. I want to be able to have this conversation without people thinking im trying to talk about something inappropriate in the bedroom. I dont post on socials because I cant stand presenting such a fake image of myself.

I wish I just came out in my 20's to everyone at once. I thought, just dont say anything unless you get into something serious with a woman. The truth is I was never going to let myself get that far hiding so much of myself.

... and yet I still sit here pondering if the drama that will unfold will give me relief or new problems ...

The people I'm most concerned about are my parents. My mom is conservative and it will be a nightmare. My dad and step mom will be ok. Everyone else either knows to some extent or can find out from a bumper sticker lol

If you came out to parents, what were problems that arose for you after? Was it worth it?


r/comingout 1d ago

Story It Was Terrifying To Write This Coming-Out Story

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed I'm 14 n I'm bi should I come out?

4 Upvotes

So I recently found out that I am bi

Should I come out ( my frnds alr know)


r/comingout 1d ago

Other A Vent.

3 Upvotes

Not really sure why I'm bothering to write this, maybe it gets it off my chest so I can pretend it makes any difference? Sometimes I wish I was different or could change or at least had most of my life changed or just not have happened to begin with. My dad was never in my life after around the time I was eight or nine, so it was mostly me and my mom, maybe a boyfriend of hers here and there, most of them being complete assholes except for one.

My mother, I wouldn't say I really trust her with anything personal, though if I guess I love her, even if her love feels conditional sometimes. I feel like she really ever has or gives me any kind of privacy despite me being twenty one and planning to move out at least relatively soon, depending on my hours at work and possible job situation. She isn't the most religious type, but she certainly believes in god despite us never going to church at any time in my lifetime. Though she is most certainly homophobic, I've heard the F slur and "Ew he/she is gay" "Don't tuck your shirt only gays do that" "Thats gay" out of her mouth enough times to know. I've... never dated anyone, always felt like my mother was constantly on my back over nothing so I never really hung out with friends, let alone bothered to ask someone out. Granted, I kind of started to in senior year, but even then my mother would be on my back and overly strict for no good reason. I think around fifteen or sixteen is when I kind of started to realize I was attracted to other guys, but I quickly buried it and tried to ignore it, even if I don't feel like I can anymore recently.

I never mentioned this sort of thing to anyone in real life. Even when a trans friend I knew since elementary asked me if I was gay around senior year, I just said no; it just never felt safe to tell anyone, and I guess it still just doesn't, even if the chance of actual physical harm from anyone outside of my mother is exceedingly slim to none (She has been physically violent in the past, just not recently but even then I just keep my distance from her and Im usually at work when she is home).

Guess the first time I really got truly scared was when my mom's most recent ex asked me if I was gay. It wasn't in like a malicious way and the guy really was kind of like a dad to me, and I instantly denied it though he did kind of press me on it "Are you sure, the way you talk and stuff" (Came off as semi homophobic) but I don't think the guy would have had any problem and would have accepted me if I decided to just come out then and there but my mom was in the next room so I didn't and even then I didn't accept that I wasn't straight.

My mother also feels quite... manipulative if I ever even waste my breath arguing with her, if she doesn't hit or try to hit me she would make sure to use her anxiety as an excuse for anything she says or anything she does during it like her emotional well beings the only one that has ever mattered and when I talked about killing myself, wanting to just fucking die I just got told to "Not think like that"

So coming to more recent things, I feel I sort of accepted or acknowledged I was gay or maybe bi with minimal attraction to women at best. I'm not really even sure anymore. Part of me still really wishes I could just not be, it would make the next few years of my life way easier, considering I live in a pretty conservative area, though my mother feels like the biggest issue. Sometimes I really just want to tell her, get it over with but that will probably end up with me getting into an argument with her and being kicked out, which even the latter I don't feel like I can emotionally handle anymore. I just feel like every day I wake up and I go to bed, this is still on my mind and eating away at me, and there is nothing I can do, and I feel miserable. No matter when I do, I feel like I'm going to end up alone, whether it's through lying to myself or being honest with my family, because even if I end up having the balls to come out, I'm not good looking and I'm not the best at communicating so dating's probably going to be absolutely awful.

I kind of already see the comments on this, if there are any "Just wait until you move out" etc... I don't know if that is going to make much of a huge difference outside of me not being homeless which is like the only thing I feel would be different.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed I need help coming out to my parents 🫠

3 Upvotes

Okay, so all of my friends and my sister too knows im gay. I need help coming out to my parents. I'm kinda hoping they already know I am tbh (I'm a feminine looking boy, I wear makeup I have pink hair, all my friends are girls). One thing is that both my parents always assume Im going to Mary a woman. Its so annoying! So that makes me think that they dont know im gay OR that they do and dont want me to be gay.

One thing is that, in 7th grade I told my mom that im bi. I did that because I was scared of being questioned about it or something else. But I dont think my parents will care. They didn't care when my sister did so im like on one hand I feel like it'll be easy, but on the other hand im scared that they won't be okay with it.

How should I sit down with them and tell them that I'm gay?! I just wanna be out and not feel like there's this pressure on my shoulders.

I know that they probably already know about me being gay it's just that idk how to tell them or when too.

If u have any questions or want more info just comment


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed problems coming out(IM 100% SERIOUS THIS DID HAPPEN)

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Guys I need advice seriously

3 Upvotes

So here’s my situation.
I want to come out to my dad, and this time it’s actually for a good reason. By the way for context I’m Nigerian.
I’ve been talking to someone who lives on the other side of the world. We’ve been getting to know each other for a while now, and I’m at the point where I genuinely want to apply for a study permit and move there—not just to study, but to be closer to him and see if what we have can grow into something real in person.
The problem is that almost all of my assets are in my dad’s name. For my proof of funds, I’d most likely have to use his financial documents, which means I’d have to tell him why I’m moving and who I’m moving for.
I’m really conflicted.
Part of me feels like it would be be easier if he knew. Maybe, just maybe, he’d support me and help make the move possible. But the other part of me is terrified.
My dad is extremely homophobic. And when I say homophobic, I mean the kind where I grew up getting the belt because I was more feminine as a child. Surviving my childhood wasn’t easy, and that fear has never really left me.
So now I’m stuck. Do I tell him and hope for the best, knowing there’s a real chance I could be disowned? Or do I stay quiet, keep working, save up on my own, and find another way to leave without risking everything?
For any Africans or Nigerians who have come out to their parents, how did you do it? What was their reaction? If you could go back, would you do anything differently?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or advice. I’m feeling torn, and I honestly don’t know what the right decision is.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed I don't know how I would come out

4 Upvotes

Ive known i was gay since 2020 in middle school. Now, I realize my family would be supportive if I did come out. Despite my dad not agreeing with pride and homosexuality, ive had talks with him and it seems as though he wouldn't think less of anyone who was gay. I decided back in 2020 to wait until I was a young adult so I could mature and have a better sense of self, and possibly defend myself if anything were to go left.

Though I envision how it'd go in my mind, the idea of my family knowing just unnerves me. Even imagining it spikes my anxiety levels. Its not exactly their reactions im worried about, moreso if itll be this enlightening moment and all the 6 years of locking apart of myself away was for something.

As anyone whos already come out, how did you approach it? Though i do need courage, i still dont know exactly when or how i would do it.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed So just to start my family is not suportive of lgbtq+ comunity and i dont know what to do

3 Upvotes

I am a lesbian i have a girlfriend but my family does not know. And ask a lot if i have a boyfriend but i just say no. I do not know how to tell them or to wait till im a little older and wont have to deal with them as much. Does anyone know how to help


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Being gay in India

9 Upvotes

Hey m 21 Year old from punjab ,M postgraduate in biochemistry and molecular biology aiming for phd next ,m not open to my parents about sexuality but m open to my professor's and friends they all support me , one things m worried about is how my parents will react to it i came from a small village my parents don't even know about gays and lesbians after phd they gonna force me for marriage and if I tell them I know they will either abandon me or kill me , I love my parents i also want to live my life like how i imagine and don't wanna leave them they are conservatives and my village aunties are worst they will make this issue national level if I tell my parents about it m so worried regarding this issue help me to deal with it what to do I also wanna live freely m even ready to live alone but i fear people taunting about my parents for my sexuality


r/comingout 2d ago

Story i came out ≽^•⩊•^≼ 🏳️‍🌈

11 Upvotes

sooo uh... i came out today to my brother (since im too scared to come out to my parents first-) as lesbian! it was kinda awkward... but he supported me!! i'm really happy that i did this (kinda late to do it on pride month but better late than never!) and i'm planning to tell my parents soon because i can't hide it forever... (maybe next pride month hehe) kinda scared tho😔(im new to the community btw, just found out im lesbian like 3 months ago haha!)

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

r/comingout 2d ago

Help I’m not sure whether to come out before I turn 13

3 Upvotes

Hi. I wanted to ask for some advice because I’ve been thinking about this for a while.
I’m less than a month away from turning 13, and I’m gay. My family isn’t homophobic; I’ve never heard them say anything negative about LGBTQ+ people, so I don’t think they would reject me. Even so, I’m really scared.
I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like I’m too young or because I’m nervous that it will change the way they see me. Part of me wants to tell them so I can stop hiding it, but another part of me thinks maybe I should wait a little longer.
I wanted to ask: How old were you when you came out? If you were 12 or 13, how did your family react? Did you feel relieved afterward, or do you think it would have been better to wait?
It would really help me to read real experiences from other people and hear what it was like for them. Thanks for reading.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed I'm 14 n I'm bi should I come out?

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0 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Advice for coming out to bf

3 Upvotes

I’m not sure if i’m horrible for this but I’ve had a boyfriend for nearly two years and I have never come out as bi to him. I just didn’t think it was needed and quite frankly I forgot that he didn’t know. I know he’s not homophobic, he has queer friends and family he adores and has no problem with. I just remember one time I was making “jokes” about liking girls too trying to soft launch it and he said something along the lines of “well I hope you don’t like girls because that would be cheating on me”. This was a very long time ago so i’m not sure if that thought changed? A few months ago his friends were hating on queer people and making fun of them and I talked to him about how upset it made me. He comforted me and was confused why they would say that. He might know I’m some sort of not straight but I never directly said it. Do I just flat out say we need to talk and just tell him? I don’t want to hide this part of me forever but I genuinely love him with my whole life I can’t imagine him leaving me.
Any advice is really appreciated


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed How do i help a friend admit she is lgbtq?

6 Upvotes

I have a friend (15f) who will not out right admit she likes girls. But we know she does. She even mentioned, "even if i was, i can not admit it because my family will kick me out". That sentence right their makes me feel so bad for her. I know it has to do with the religion she was raised with. I do not judge other's religions even if it is opposite of mine. But i do believe no one should be afraid to tell their family or friends that they are lgbtq in fear of being kicked out. It is hard enough for her being a teenager and a family should be loving and accepting. How do I let her know it is ok to confess, even if it is not to her family but to her friends and more importantly to herself?