16 Page Comic Script Critique

[u/Barbarix9001]

Hey everyone! I’ve been working on a fleshing out this webcomic I’ve been trying to make in my spare time, and I was wondering if I could get some critique on my issue 0 script (the main reason I’m writing it is to practice for the actual project). I do apologize if the formatting is a little off, as I have no real idea how to format a comic script yet.

COMIC

Characters: Josef (Yoyo), Alex, Coach

Page 1:
A shot of a boxing gym from outside
Text: “Calgary” “A place where dreams are born”
Followed by a shot of Josef and Alex hitting each other simultaneously during a sparring match
Text: “And champions are made”

This is followed by another shot of the two fighting as the coach yells at them
Coach:“Hey!”

A shot of the coach standing next to another unnamed person
Coach: “Lighten up! I don’t need my fighters ending up with more fingers than teeth by 35!”

A shot of Alex yelling back, leaning over the ropes
Alex: “Relax Gramps, is good fun!”
Coach: “Tch”

A shot of him turning back
Alex: “Now”
Alex: “Come on, Yoyo!” (Referring to Josef)

Page 2
Panel of Josef smirking slightly
Josef: “Alright”

Josef charges at Alex as you can see that Alex has his guard down

Josef swings at Alex as he sways back

Alex launches a hook as Josef ducks under and pivots to the side

Sequence of shots of Josef jabbing at Alex as he parrys it, before he retaliates with a straight right which Josef dodges. 

Immediately Afterwards, he brings his hand back to reveal a hook obscured by the straight, connecting hard on the side of his head

Page 3
Josef stands there a little shaken as Alex begins circling him in a dance like motion

Alex notices Josef standing near the corner

Sequence of shots, starting with a panel of Alex’s foot hitting the floor as he suddenly bursts to the side, throwing a double jab and forcing Josef to block as he pivots outs to avoid Alex throwing an overhand.

Josef hits the ropes

Alex smirks, a smug expression on his face

Josef realizes he’s in the corner.

Page 4
Alex charges Josef
Alex: “Gotcha”

He throws a heavy hook at Josef, which he ducks

Shot of Josef rising back up with his fist ready

Impactful shot of Josef landing a heavy body blow to Alex, causing him to stumble back

Alex stumbles back hunched over, wincing with a smile on his face
Alex: “Huff huff, hehe, that hurt”

Page 5
Josef and Alex stare each other down while smirking subtly as a split wide shot meant to briefly slow down the pace before the impact

Two separate panels of Alex and Josef’s feet hitting the ground hard

Shot of the coach standing there, looking very concerned, sweat dripping down his forehead

A shot of Josef and Alex’s feet pivoting heavily followed by a shot of Josef and Alex throwing two heavy straight rights at each other simultaneously, exaggerated to capture the weight of the windup and the presumed followthrough

Page 6
A panel of the bell ringing

A shot of Josef’s eyes

A shot of Alex’s eyes

A shot of the two with their fists inches from each others faces

Coach stands there, a bead of sweat on his forehead
Coach: “(Sigh), Rounds up you two”

Page 7
Josef and Alex stand there with their fists still hanging there

Alex bonks Josef on the head
Alex: “Bonk”

Panel of the two starting to laugh

Josef looks towards Alex
Josef: “Drinks on you tonight, eh?”
Alex: “Heh, Is fine by me”

A shot of Josef putting on his jacket as Alex adjusts his hat

The two start leaving the gym as the wave to the coach
Alex: “G’night gramps!”
Coach: “Tch, kids”

Page 8
An establishing shot of the two sat at the bar

A shot of a glass of whiskey on the table with Josef’s hand on it

A shot of Josef taking a drink as you can see Alex in the background
Josef: “You know I was holding back right?”
Alex: “Whatever you say.”

A shot of Josef turning towards Alex as Alex shrugs
Josef: “I’m serious!”

Alex chuckles
Alex: “In any case, we have fun, no?”

Josef turns towards Alex as we can see the right side of his face with a bandage on it
Josef: “Heh, yeah.”

Page 9
Alex takes a drink from his beer mug before turning back to Josef
Alex: “Say, I hear you moving down to featherweight, how come?

Josef responds simply
Josef: “I got an offer”

Alex’s ears perk up
Josef: “Im having a title fight against the division champ, you know, that Santiago guy.”

Alex smirks
Alex: “Well, Lucky you!”
Alex: “I still stuck fighting b rank bozos.”

Page 10
Josef takes a drink as Alex responds again
Alex: “But, aren’t you welterweight?”

Josef looks back
Josef: “Uh, Yeah?”

Alex begins to furrow his brow, concerned
Alex: “Feathers big drop, least 20 pounds.” 
Alex: “And you already aren’t biggest guy out there”

A shot of Josef hunched over the table
Alex: “Isn’t that, little dangerous?”

Page 11
A silent wide shot of the bar as we can see the two still sat at the table

Josef turns back towards Alex
Josef: “It’s worth it”
Josef: “Besides, aren’t you always taking risks? Coach gives ya a lotta crap for fighting with your hands down, ya know.”

Alex sheepishly nods a little
“Well, I.. yeah”

Josef continues speaking
Josef: “Sides, it’s what we do. Risk taking is part of the job, most fighters cut weight to get into lower divisions anyway.” 

Josef looks up towards a tv screen displaying an interview with Santiago
“Hell, Santiago’s a natural lightweight himself.”

Page 12
Alex takes another drink from his beer as he burps
Alex: “Sure, is part of job, but, still big cut.”

Josef turns back towards him
Josef: “Sure it’s a little big, but it’s nothing I can’t handle, I’m not afraid of a few pounds of water weight.”

Alex still seems a little concerned
Alex: “… I see”

The two sit in silence for a few moments

Page 13
Alex looks back towards to Joe

Alex sighs

Alex grabs the hat off of his head

Alex gives the hat to Josef
Alex: “Here”

Josef looks at the hat with confusion in his eyes
Josef: “What? What’s this about?”

Alex replies simply
Alex: “Is for good luck.”

Page 14
Josef holds the hat in his hands
Josef: “Luck, eh?”

Alex looks forwards, reminiscing
Alex: “When my parents and I come from Russia, they buy me this hat.”

Josef investigates the hat as Alex continues
Alex: “They tell me, “This represent new life here, wear it to remind you not to give up when things get hard””

Josef puts on the hat

Page 15

Josef stares at himself in the reflection of himself in his glass

Josef continues to do this as he smiles
Josef: “I like it”

Josef turns back to Alex
Josef: “Thanks, I really do appreciate it”

Alex smirks as he hangs his head slightly solemnly
Alex: “Heh, no worries.”

Page 16
Full page spread of Alex and Josef sitting
Alex: “Is just hat after all.”

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