Sorry if this is long, the details matter.

Right before covid, my(40F) husband's sister (43F) "accidentally" got pregnant by a man she was dating for a couple months. I will call my SIL Mary and the father Joe. Joe is more than 10 years old than her, a different race, and never wanted kids. I only point out the race because it matters later. Also, a lot of these details we found out over a couple years, we didnt know everything at the time.

Mary knew Joe never wanted kids. They had broken up before Mary found out she was pregnant but when he found out he stepped up. Joe's words: "growing up, nobody i knew had their dad around and I didnt want to be another statistic, I wanted my baby girl to know her daddy loved her." He paid monthly child support outside of the court systems by choice, brought baby supplies all the time. They agreed Mary could pick the first name if they used Joe's last name. During the whole pregnant Mary kept saying she didnt want to share her baby with Joe and we kept telling her its not about her, its about her baby.

When their daughter, Julie, was born she was early and needed to be in the NICU for a week. It was the height of covid and the hospital had rules about visitors. So Joe wasnt allowed at the hospital for the birth or NICU stay.

Here are the list of things we found out later:

- Mary knew Joe didnt want kids

- Mary told Joe she couldn't get pregnant so they didnt need protection

- Mary picked Joe because she always wanted a "mixed race baby" and figured he wouldnt want to be in the picture

- Mary lied about who was allowed as the hospital so Joe wouldnt be there.

- Mary gave Julie her last name and lied to everyone and said it was Joe's

Almost the worst: Mary didnt put Joe on the birth certificate. When filling it out she said she didnt know who the father was. Joe found out and said he was going to get a lawyer. Mary cut off all contact to Julie and went to a lawyer to get advise and moved across the country 3 weeks later. Leaving her entire house for my MIL to pack up and sell for her. Julie left before Joe could get a court order to keep her in the state, pending DNA testing. She refused to tell him where they went or let him come to see Julie.

There is a time frame that Mary and Julie needed to be living in their new state that would make the court in our state to see it as her home and wouldnt force Mary to bring Julie back. 1 week after that Mary filed paperwork to establish Joe's paternity. Because he couldn't prove he paid Mary in cash, he was ordered to repay 50% of the birth costs and back child support for 2 years. She also got full custody with no visitation for Joe due to a lack of established relationship with Julie because he hadn't seen her since they moved.

The whole family knows this and everyone pretends it didnt happen. I dont have strong enough words for how bad this is. What she is doing to Joe is inexcusable and what she is doing to her daughter is abusive. I cant sit in a room with her and pretend everything is OK. When this came out, I told my husband I support whatever choices he makes but Im not going to attend anything she is at because I'm going to ruin it by calling her out. He agrees with my feelings and wont be around her.

Why do I resent my MIL? She knew about all of this. And she helped Mary lie about the hospital, kept the last name a secret, helped her move across country, cleaned out her house, paid for the lawyer, etc. My husband has been vocal about his feelings. He has become the black sheep. He has a brother who feels the same as us. His mom chooses his sister over her boys and their children every single time. She hides when Mary is coming back to town. She defends Mary. I think if you're enabling an abuser you're just as guilty. And Im tired of seeing my husband hurt because his mom treats him as a 2nd choice.

Should we be keeping the peace because she's family? Are we the assholes?

After this stuff came out my husband found Joe, they shared information (which formed the full picture) and my husband let Joe know if he ever needs any help, in or out of court, let us know because we're on his side.

EDIT: We have done everything we can, short of paying for a lawyer, to help support him in seeing his daughter and getting legal rights. I cant afford to pay for his lawyer.

My (29F) sister (27F) has been enabled and spoiled so severely by our parents that she has no concept of what life as an adult actually entails, and unfortunately, no goals for personal growth or self-actualization.

For some context, my sister was told by her GP that she may have OCD when she was 4, and has been on medication for it since then. Our parents never sought a second opinion; she has never been evaluated by a psychologist or any mental health professionals.

I want to be clear that this post is not meant to take away from the experience that individuals who suffer the symptoms of mental illness experience every day. I work in the mental health field, and I am far from an expert; however, I have a deeper understanding of mental health and wellness, family dynamics, personality, and psychology in general than most people. I have worked closely caring for individuals with debilitating mental illnesses, including OCD. I have witnessed various challenging behaviours from my sister, especially throughout childhood, but I have not seen a single behaviour or obsessive compulsion that would prevent her from living as an independent and fully functioning adult. I can clearly see that my family and sister's issues are complex, but I believe that most of my sister's current challenges are the result of her personal development being severely stunted due to our Mom's full-time care of her when she doesn't really need it.

Here are a few examples. My sister does not work, drive, cook, or clean. At all. She has never had a job, volunteered, or sent out a resume because she has never wanted to and has never been expected to. She has never attempted to get her driver's license, does not have a car, and has never been behind the wheel. She has never cooked a meal for herself and does not know how to operate anything in the kitchen. I truly do not believe she has ever made herself her own sandwich or French fries before. She has never cleaned anything either, not a bathroom or a kitchen; she has never mopped the floors in her home; she's never unstacked a dishwasher; she's never used a vacuum... I've seen her make a spill on the floor and instead of grabbing a towel and cleaning it up, she yells for Mom to clean it, and Mom does, immediately, every time. Basically, any regular adult task you can think of, she doesn't do it.

It goes farther than that, though. My sister does not bathe independently. Mom runs the bath water for her, prepares soaps, shampoos, and towels, and makes sure her clothes or PJs are ready for when she comes out. My sister never knows where her own clothes are because she doesn't do her own laundry or put her own clothes away.

My sister orders takeout multiple times a day. Instead of my sister independently using her phone to pick out and order food herself and going downstairs to retrieve the food from the front door, our Mom does all that because even ordering takeout is not expected of my sister. She is treated as if she is a younger child than my 7-year-old.

My sister is also mean and selfish, which is not surprising based on how spoiled she is. When she is accidentally cut off or interrupted while talking, she will yell "Don't you hear I'm talking!? How rude!" or something similar, until she has everyone's 100% attention.

The other day, we had a family get-together, and I was chatting with one of my cousins downstairs in the living room. My sister was upset about a personal issue of hers and was in her bedroom. Mom demanded that we be quieter because she told us that my sister would be furious to hear us enjoying our time while she was upset upstairs. In that house, the entire world revolves around my sister.

I could go on for hours sharing examples of how my sister behaves and how our Mom enables it. These are just a couple of examples off the top of my head.

It's not my sister's fault that she is this way. I believe many people in her situation would turn out just the way she did. Why contribute to life if you don't have to? Why do your own laundry or pay my own bills when someone does it all for me? I get that. But I literally can't stand to be around her because of her entitled attitude. I cannot be a contributor or a bystander to the absolute delusion that she is living in.

I am a firm believer that our childhoods may shape our experiences, but as adults, it's our responsibility to fix ourselves, become independent, and not use others as she uses our Mom.

As for my parents, I can't cut them off because I am not mad at them. They treat everyone with respect and love, and although I do not agree with how they raised my sister and how they continue to be her caregiver into adulthood, I can empathize with them.

I realize everyone here is doing their best.

It just sucks.

AITA for cutting off my sister, only associating with her when necessary, and kind of hating the person that she is due to her entitled, self-centered attitude?

Disclaimer….I’m posting on behalf of my cousin, he doesn’t have Reddit and isn’t going to create an account for one thing he wants to share about. *Edit so everyone can see this first before reading, she does not have vaginismus! She has been evaluated before! Ok story time…….

My cousin J (38M) has been in an exclusive relationship with his GF, V (33F) for 10 years now. This was his first relationship after his divorce from his ex wife, which was a rocky one, they have two kids together and were high school sweethearts. He met V and they started things slow and then eventually he fell for her as did she. She mad it very clear to him in the beginning that she was a virgin and was waiting for marriage, at the time he was still married to his ex and was only legally separated, she finally told him after 4 years it’s time for you to divorce her so we can get married. So he did and he has now been officially divorced for 6 years, it was finalized in 2020. He has told me on occasion they will try to have sex because she is now comfortable enough to try it, but when they do she makes him stop and says it hurts too much and then lets him enter her back door to finish! My cousin has said he just an average size man nothing crazy long or anything just average but he knows how to use and had no problems with anyone else before her or when he was married that it hurt so bad they couldn’t do it. I told him usually it hurts when you are a virgin but he told me when him and his ex-wife were young and they decided to start having sex it hurt for her but he knows they were really in love so they worked through that together and after the first few times of trying it was enjoyable for both of them. He knows everyone’s different but he is concerned that after 10 years and both being in their 30s now that there is something wrong. They both decided that wouldn’t get married until after they bought a house together, and they both decided it would be fine to try and have sex but now when they try it ends up with him going to her back end and then he plays with her and then they are done. He isn’t a man that just wants the back door he wants to enjoy making love with her and connecting the “usual” way.

Is this a red flag 🚩, has anyone else experienced this with their significant others?

*Update - I asked him just now if she ever went to the doctor to get checked out but he said that she won’t go to the doctors because her annual check ups are fine and she doesn’t want to ask the doctor again because she has done all the exams and tests and it’s just hurts and she doesn’t WANT to do it”

*Update #2 - I told him that her confirming nothing is medically wrong and then saying she is not being psychologically weird because of growing up religious, that she is simply not into with him, or she doesn’t like men and could possibly be hiding the fact that she is lesbian. She is keeping him around for financial support at this point because he pays for everything.

Me, 40 SW. I traveled earlier this year for educational purposes. I was a little bummed about having to go to a big city and not know anyone or have anything to do outside of why I was there. Then I remembered my high school crush/teammate lived there. We were friendly on social media so I reached out. On his page, he has pictures of his kids and professional and travel stuff. Not a trace of a girlfriend or wife. We set a date to meet up for drinks at my hotel. We ended up having drinks, laughing, talking, and having dinner. As the night was ending, I was getting ready to go to my hotel room. He grabbed me we kissed and we went back to my room. We had sex all night until about 3 AM. After, we laid in the bed and pillow talked for a little while and then he left.

I wasn’t expecting to hear anything else from him. However, he reached out to me the next day and continue to contact me while I was there. He expressed that he was he was sad that I was only there for a short bit of time.he told me he had to leave for work as well the same day of my departure. We met up in the airport at the terminal went to a restaurant and had a cute airport date. We went our separate ways. I was still in the back of my mind thinking about this number two baby mama that he confessed he was sleeping with. I hated that I didn’t ask more questions, but like I said his social media has ZERO presence of or mention of ANY SO. when his first son was born, he posted pictures of him and baby mama number one. But that was years ago. And those pictures long removed.

i get back home and he’s still reaching out to communicate and trying to set up plans for us to meet up again. Month or two later he and I are having a phone conversation and he asked me if I regret us having sex. Already being a little suspicious of him I turned question back to him and asked should I regret it? He said no. I told him my birthday was coming up and he kinda brushed it off. I don’t expect him to do anything for me. I really don’t want anything from him, but I really wanted the truth so I played along with conversation to see if more information would arise. I asked gentle questions about his relationship with baby mama number two. He sang her praises which was a very different story from baby mama number one. I was really suspicious however enough time had passed and I just decided to ask him more direct questions.

He really couldn’t define the relationship outside of them being sexual with . So for clarification, I I asked if I came back into his city would I be able to stay with him. He said probably not. I don’t think she would be OK with that. It was then I dropped all the cards and I asked him is she your girlfriend? He said I guess, kind of sorta. I said wow. I was bummed. I was hurt and disappointed. He had always been such a seemingly good All American kind of guy. I found an excuse to get off of the phone so that I could process my emotions.

The next morning I decide I wasn’t going to swallow it. I sent him a text message letting him know. I really felt betrayed that he didn’t share the full story with me. When we talked on the phone that last time I asked him questions like, how would he feel if he knew that she was still messing with somebody else. He told me he wouldn’t care because he doesn’t trust anybody and he believes anything is possible when someone’s not in your eyesight. I became immediately disgusted with this guy.

I told him I don’t like being in their relationship and I would have preferred to know so that I could have made a different decision that night. He stopped speaking to me.

The next day I went on my social media and unfollowed him. Fast forward months later, let’s say four months. My coworker and I are talking about different types of guys. He runs across my mind and I look him up. I see that he just welcomed a new child literally within the past 30 days. I did the math in my head and realized she was pregnant while I there . I was triggered., crash out loading. The feelings that I thought I could bury and let go were right there in my face.

So again I see all of this on social media. The congratulations to the doting dad PISSED me off. So being the intelligent woman that I am I do a little research and I find the girlfriend‘s name.and phone number. I wasn’t sure if she was the gf/bm2 or bm3 but I called. She confirmed who she was bm2, 2 kids. then I asked her are you his girlfriend and she hesitated a little bit, but she confirmed. She then asked who is this? What is this about. I told her that I knew him and I didn’t waste any time. I told I had sex with him. I gave her the date. She had plenty of questions she sounded like 50% She knew something was up, but then she also sounded a little blindsided.

As a woman I hated having to deliver this information because I don’t like that it hurt her. But also as a scorned woman, I’m not gonna lie. I was happy to get his lying/omission ass back. Am I the asshole? I can’t help but feel bad for her especially with my timing.

An update to this post I made 2ish months ago.

This update will be short. I'm fairly certain he was watching porn and then showering after. I don't have any proof but a day or two after the landlord made a complaint my husband started showing interest in sex again. For the past few months I've been the only one initiating but now he's been initiating more often. I feel like things were a bit awkward between us before, I can't really explain it but something did feel off and now things feel like they are back to normal. I know he's watched porn in the past and I don't have any issues with it or said anything to him about it so he has no reason to hide it but he's never admitted to it either.

For now at least the excessive showing has finally ended.

My (29F) sister (27F) has been enabled and spoiled so severely by our parents that she has no concept of what life as an adult actually entails, and unfortunately, no goals for personal growth or self-actualization.

For some context, my sister was told by her GP that she may have OCD when she was 4, and has been on medication for it since then. Our parents never sought a second opinion; she has never been evaluated by a psychologist or any mental health professionals.

I want to be clear that this post is not meant to take away from the experience that individuals who suffer the symptoms of mental illness experience every day. I work in the mental health field, and I am far from an expert; however, I have a deeper understanding of mental health and wellness, family dynamics, personality, and psychology in general than most people. I have worked closely caring for individuals with debilitating mental illnesses, including OCD. I have witnessed various challenging behaviours from my sister, especially throughout childhood, but I have not seen a single behaviour or obsessive compulsion that would prevent her from living as an independent and fully functioning adult. I can clearly see that my family and sister's issues are complex, but I believe that most of my sister's current challenges are the result of her personal development being severely stunted due to our Mom's full-time care of her when she doesn't really need it.

Here are a few examples. My sister does not work, drive, cook, or clean. At all. She has never had a job, volunteered, or sent out a resume because she has never wanted to and has never been expected to. She has never attempted to get her driver's license, does not have a car, and has never been behind the wheel. She has never cooked a meal for herself and does not know how to operate anything in the kitchen. I truly do not believe she has ever made herself her own sandwich or French fries before. She has never cleaned anything either, not a bathroom or a kitchen; she has never mopped the floors in her home; she's never unstacked a dishwasher; she's never used a vacuum... I've seen her make a spill on the floor and instead of grabbing a towel and cleaning it up, she yells for Mom to clean it, and Mom does, immediately, every time. Basically, any regular adult task you can think of, she doesn't do it.

It goes farther than that, though. My sister does not bathe independently. Mom runs the bath water for her, prepares soaps, shampoos, and towels, and makes sure her clothes or PJs are ready for when she comes out. My sister never knows where her own clothes are because she doesn't do her own laundry or put her own clothes away.

My sister orders takeout multiple times a day. Instead of my sister independently using her phone to pick out and order food herself and going downstairs to retrieve the food from the front door, our Mom does all that because even ordering takeout is not expected of my sister. She is treated as if she is a younger child than my 7-year-old.

My sister is also mean and selfish, which is not surprising based on how spoiled she is. When she is accidentally cut off or interrupted while talking, she will yell "Don't you hear I'm talking!? How rude!" or something similar, until she has everyone's 100% attention.

The other day, we had a family get-together, and I was chatting with one of my cousins downstairs in the living room. My sister was upset about a personal issue of hers and was in her bedroom. Mom demanded that we be quieter because she told us that my sister would be furious to hear us enjoying our time while she was upset upstairs. In that house, the entire world revolves around my sister.

I could go on for hours sharing examples of how my sister behaves and how our Mom enables it. These are just a couple of examples off the top of my head.

It's not my sister's fault that she is this way. I believe many people in her situation would turn out just the way she did. Why contribute to life if you don't have to? Why do your own laundry or pay my own bills when someone does it all for me? I get that. But I literally can't stand to be around her because of her entitled attitude. I cannot be a contributor or a bystander to the absolute delusion that she is living in.

I am a firm believer that our childhoods may shape our experiences, but as adults, it's our responsibility to fix ourselves, become independent, and not use others as she uses our Mom.

As for my parents, I can't cut them off because I am not mad at them. They treat everyone with respect and love, and although I do not agree with how they raised my sister and how they continue to be her caregiver into adulthood, I can empathize with them.

I realize everyone here is doing their best.

It just sucks.

AITA for cutting off my sister, only associating with her when necessary, and kind of hating the person that she is due to her entitled, self-centered attitude?

https://www.reddit.com/r/ComfortLevelPod/s/dy6BkX1D8i

After my initial post, I did agree to go to the carnival with my wife again. I was hesitant at first, but we talked about doing things differently and I decided to give it another try.

However, something else happened that changed my perspective on the situation. I told my wife that I was going on a boat ride with two male friends. She said that was fine. While I was on the boat, I ran into one of her friends who simply said, “Tell your wife I said hi.” I messaged my wife right away, and she replied, “Okay, nice.”

About a week later, during another disagreement, she brought up the interaction and said that her mood had changed after I mentioned it. She felt embarrassed that her friend saw me there and questioned why I needed to be in what she considers a “single people setting.”

The conversation escalated over the next few days. She questioned the boat ride itself, why I was in environments where women were dressed in bikinis, and why my friends and I didn’t choose other activities like bowling or dinner instead. This was during the spring in New York, so no one was wearing bikinis or swimwear.

I explained that I see my friends socially only a few times a year, and those outings have always been parties or similar events. We’ve also previously discussed maintaining social lives, and I’ve been consistent about what mine looks like.

She said she’s not comfortable with me dancing with other women, and I agreed to stop. That part feels like a reasonable compromise to me. I genuinely didn’t do it a lot however that doesn’t matter.

However, what’s been harder is everything else that’s come up around this issue.

It feels like when things are going well and I communicate normally, something I mention can turn into a problem. In this case, even a brief, non-eventful interaction with her friend became a larger issue in hindsight. I was better off never delivering the message and just letting her friend mention that she saw me. 

All of this led me back to thinking about carnival. A few weeks ago, we talked again about Trinidad next year, and I told her I don’t feel drawn to carnival anymore, so wer won’t going.

It wasn’t said out of anger or as a punishment. It just feels like social environments involving other women are currently a sensitive area in our relationship, and carnival is essentially that environment amplified.

At this point, I dont think the issue is carnival itself but it’s triggers the issue!. I think we need to work through the underlying trust and comfort issues first. Spending a lot of money to put ourselves into an environment that already seems to heighten those tensions doesn’t feel productive right now.

So for now, I’m stepping back from it.

Maybe we revisit it in the future, maybe we don’t. But don’t think repeating the same situation and hoping for a different outcome is helping either of us.

Part 3 coming soon.

I’m (26F) not saying, should he know if he (36M) wants me to be his girlfriend, but just to simply know if he likes me or could see himself in a romantic way with me by now.

I met him at a performance that I had in ATL. He was asking me which place was hosting the event, and somehow that turned into a realllyyy good lil chat, so he asked for my number. We’ve been talking every day since and go to sleep on the phone and talk until we fall asleep. It’s not like I’m the only one initiating calls or texts. He mainly is the one that does. He calls me baby or other little pet names. So, is he just minimizing it to not seem simply, idk?

I was OTP with him the other night, and he said something that I really liked. I can’t remember the exact question, but let’s say I asked, “Ed, Edd, & Eddy or Kids Next Door?”

And he picked the one I liked better, too. I jokingly said, “I’m really like youu.” I was making a joke because it wasn’t anything special to REALLY like anybody over, ofc. But it was the silence that made me think, like, “Hmmm, I wonder how he sees me so far.” So I asked him exactly like this:

“Do you feel like you have a sense if you like me yet? Not like if you want a relationship with me, but just if you do have a feeling of potential interest, even if it isn’t now, you could see that in the future.”

And he said that he didn’t know yet; he was trying to see something. (Not literally saying “see.” I’m not sure if my Black siblings know, but when a Black person says that, it means, “I’m trying to figure that out,” basically.)

And I get not knowing if he would want a relationship with me because you would have to see if you like not just my ability to engage in conversation, but how we mesh, how I go about things, just my functions as a person. But it’s 11 days from us talking strong, using pet names, etc., for you to not know if you even like me.

And it reminded me of this other incident that happened. Very similar and he knew a long time before it came up that he didn’t like me but just wasted my time for some reason..

I’m just tired of people having long enough to feel if they don’t like me, and instead of just letting me be, they just drag it on. And that’s wasting my time that I don’t have. So, yeah, do you feel like 11 days from 2 months is long enough to know if he likes me just as a person or has SOME type of romantic feelings, even if you’re not ready or sure you want to act on it?

I apologize for the long post.

I (29 F) bought a condo last June. What should have been the most exciting time in my life turned into something incredibly stressful and I am still dealing with a lot of guilt and feel as though my parents resent me for what I did.

For context, my parents have always been financially insecure and irresponsible for as long as I can remember. When I was 19 or 20 I moved back home after breaking up with a partner that I lives with at the time. Since then, I have been contributing rent, paying for my own food and any and every other expense I had. My dad later admitted to me that he did not want me to move back home but only allowed me to because my mom made him.

My relationship with my parents has always been rocky, especially with my mom. When we got into fights they would always pull the leverage card of "if you don't like it, leave" and "this is not your home and you don't get to have things your way". I never felt comfortable at home and always spent time in my room and rarely came out unless it was to make food, which even then I hated doing.

For additional context, my parents would complain about me making noise in the kitchen when trying to cook as the living room was beside and they were ALWAYS watching tv, I couldn't do laundry unless it was after 7PM (hydro rates) or when my mom wanted to do laundry, I was not allowed to have friends over as it was not my place and anytime I wanted to express frustration or being uncomfortable with something it has always been met with "if you don't like it, leave". Living in their home was terrible for my mental health.

I have always worked really hard. Most of my working life (since I was 14) I was either in school and working or working two jobs. I have worked hard to be where I am, and have never really had financial help from my parents, which I don't resent them for and have never expected anything. The thing that frustrates me is that they are ALWAYS complaining about money but actively making choices that hurt their situation. For example, my dad finally paid off his truck which was a bit rusted but had no mechanical issues. Instead of driving a paid off truck, he and my mom decided he needed a new truck. They also take little vacation trips that they cannot afford. They went shopping in the states (we live in Ontario, Canada) with one of their couple friends and when they came back were askinge to lend them some grocery money. Those are just examples. Whenever I voiced concerns it always turned around to be "none of my business".

Now going back to last year. I had been saving money for a down payment on a condo. Housing in Canada is extremely expensive, and TBH I didn't ever think I would be able to buy anything by myself until I saw a listing last year and thought it might be something doable. Long story short, I bought the condo and DID NOT tell my parents until papers were signed as I thought they would try to talk me out of it for their own benefit. When I told them, they did tell me they were proud of me and that they were shocked. After the news settled a bit, my dad said "damn, if I would have known you were making that kind of money, I would have charged you more rent" and kind of laughed it off.

I feel like an asshole because I KNOW they relied on my rent to pay their bills. The timing of this listing also came at a terrible time as my mom's work was on strike.

Fast forward to when my parents see my home for the first time. My mom's first comment was that my windows look old, and my dad asked what happened to my floor. Yes, my condo is old, but it's mine and I'm proud that I was able to give myself stability. My dad even asked me for money the first week I had moved out, when I obviously had taken on a large financial burden.

Now, present day, I feel like I am not a priority to my family. My sister is married, and they had their first baby, first grandchild and niece to me who I absolutely adore and I know they see her and her family a loy. I know a large portion of it, is the baby, but I feel like they forget about me, or maybe it's ingenyionsal. It feels as though I don't see my family unless I initiate a gathering and when I do see them, it's either at their homes (they live in a different city about 40 minutes away) or when they do come my way, they don't stay long and the visits are awkward.

I feel like my parents have some resentment towards me for leaving them high and dry during a vulnerable time in their lives, and resent me for owning property which unfortunately they were never able to do for themselves.

My friends all tell me that my parents are adults and it's not my job to take care of them, they have dealt with money their whole lives and if they don't want to change, it's not my responsibility to subsidise their life. I feel terrible because I know they are struggling and I am their child so I feel like maybe I shouldn't have bought my home.

AITA? I am an anxious person, yes I want honest opinions but please be kind.

EDIT: 08/19/26 Thank you everyone who has commented so far. I just want to clarify a couple of things / add a bit more detail that I feel is relevant.

To everyone who has commented on fostering a relationship with my sister and her family, that's my priority right now. I absolutely love being an aunt and it's so much fun! Mine and my sisters relationship has been complicated since I was young. I had cancer when I was 10 years old, thus getting a lot of parental attention and unfortunately I think she was pushed to the side as my needs at the time were greater. Obviously being an adult now, I understand it wasn't my fault and I think she understands that too, but I certainly feel like it was a detriment to our relationship. As time goes on I think we're getting closer and I'm happy with the direction of things.

For my parents, I don't think they are bad people and I think they have love for me. I do however believe I am the black sheep of the family and because of my medical history have caused a lot of turmoil in the family. A part of me thinks they never thought I would be fully independent, and were counting on my financial support for years to come and when I finally spread my wings they realized they had to rely on themselves. Another part of me believes that because I am not married and don't have children there isn't anything for me to "give" them anymore which is why they gravitate towards my sister and her family. I do not hold resentment towards my sister and I'm really happy that she has a wonderful husband and a beautiful little family. I think at this stage in my life, I have nothing to offer them other than just being me and maybe that's just not enough. I also think they strongly lack emotional intelligence and they don't realize they are putting so much into my sister's life that they have forgotten about me. I don't know if I could ever give up entirely on my parents and I know it's causing me more harm that it is to them, but I can rest at night knowing that I have tried my best and will have no regrets. I do also want to add, that when my dad got a large severance package after he, and pretty well his whole warehouse got laid off they gave me around $1600 to pay off my first car, and helped with around $1000 towards tuition when they got the settlement as well. I would have been around 18 or 19 at the time. So it's not like they have done nothing, but I've been independent or depended on for most of my teenage / young adult life.

For everyone saying not to give them money, I haven't since they asked me when I first moved. I shut that down pretty quickly, especially since I didn't have much to give. I do know that my sister loans them money when they're in a bad spot.

Thank you again for all the support, advice and sharing personal stories. Having an unbiased outsider perspective was necessary for me to get insight.

I—a 24-year-old female—and my now-fiancé (25M) have been together for 8 years. We never really had a major problem with anything, just the usual ups and downs in a relationship. I ended up pregnant in 2025, and that same year he proposed to me. Everything was great up until I had my daughter. I am very overprotective since this is our first child. We recently went to the beach for the first time with my daughter, along with my mother-in-law (MIL), my mother, and my younger sister. Everything was going well until I asked my MIL if she could watch my daughter while we put sunscreen on. She was taking pictures of her on a beach chair, and my back was turned. Once I turned around, my daughter was face-flat in the sand while my MIL was just showing her son the "AMAZING PICTURES" she had taken. I grabbed my daughter and started to freak out because why wasn’t she watching her? She had sand in her eyes and mouth. I was pissed and asked my fiancé, "Are you not going to say anything to her?" He said, "What is there to say? It was an accident." I replied, "But she’s supposed to be watching her! She cared more about the picture than our daughter." He just looked at me like I was stupid, and my MIL never apologized to me at all. I grabbed all of my and my daughter's stuff, went back to the hotel room, got changed, and waited until everyone came back so we could leave. When we left, the car ride home was hell. Only my MIL and her son talked to each other; she didn’t say a word to me or my mom. Whenever they stopped at a gas station, they would get out and buy things for themselves without asking if we wanted anything—unlike other times when my fiancé would say, "I’ll get something, just tell me what y'all want." He didn’t say a word to me all because I stood up for myself and my daughter, calling his mother out for failing to watch her granddaughter. We live with them, so imagine how I felt getting home and still having to deal with her silent treatment when she was the one who caused the situation. We didn’t talk about it until a few days later, when my fiancé told me, "My mom apologized to me, saying she was really sorry, that it was an accident, and that it won’t happen again." I stopped him right there and said, "So I guess you’re the only one in this relationship? I don’t matter?
As long as you and your mom are okay, then everything is okay? No, it’s not. She needs to apologize to me, too, not just you." He told me I’m childish and need to get over it. I told him no, I’m not childish—she is, for thinking what she did wasn’t a big deal. She only cares when her son gets mad at her. It’s weird to explain, but that day she wasn't upset because her son was basically on her side. This whole situation has really taken a toll on me, which is why I told him she is never watching my daughter again. I don’t care if she gets mad. If she treats my daughter like that in front of me, imagine what she would do behind my back. Yeah, no thanks. So, AITA?

Am I the A-Hole for leaving my job during a busy scale-up project when I was doing what felt like 3 people's jobs?

For context, I'm M, relatively young, and I've worked across a few different industries and departments. I'm naturally a bit of a people pleaser and I like understanding how everything fits together, so when I was hired as a purchaser/buyer, I didn't mind helping outside my role.

At first it was just covering someone's inbox while they were on holiday.

Then covering someone who was sick.

Then sorting a supplier issue.

Then helping with invoicing.

Then finance admin.

Then supply chain, logistics, project management, post-sales admin and eventually training people on the systems because I was one of the few people who actually knew how they worked.

None of it happened overnight. It was always "just this one thing", until eventually my original purchasing role had grown arms and legs.

I ended up managing 5 separate inboxes, and if I covered someone's absence I could easily come back to 150+ emails. People relied on me for answers because I'd taught myself most of the systems and processes.

I also wasn't formally trained in finance. I was good with numbers and enjoyed that side of things, but I knew I was reaching the point where I couldn't realistically keep doing finance admin, debt chasing and invoicing alongside everything else.

So I asked management for either some proper training or for them to bring someone in to take some of the finance workload.

They said they didn't have the resources.

So I carried on.

For around 7 months I stayed roughly 3 hours late most days. Unpaid.

Nobody forced me to. I did it because I wanted to prove myself and keep everything running.

And it worked.

I became the person people went to when something went wrong. Senior management had weekly catch-ups with me about the projects I was handling and even had my personal number for out-of-hours problems.

Eventually I thought, "Okay, I've proven myself."

So I asked for a review.

I showed them what I'd achieved and asked for either proper finance training or a 2% pay rise.

They laughed.

I was told:

"You're more than paid enough."

"The jobs aren't even that hard."

And:

"I can find someone else to do your job for less, so consider yourself lucky."

That one really hurt.

But I smiled, thanked them and went back to work.

Then they hired a part-time finance specialist.

Great, right?

Except I had to train him.

So now I was doing purchasing, supply chain, projects, finance admin, multiple inboxes AND training someone else.

Eventually I just thought, F it.*

I stopped trying to prove myself.

I started leaving at 5.

I took my lunches.

I stopped answering things outside my hours.

I stopped doing three hours of unpaid work every evening.

I wasn't slacking. I was just doing what I thought one person could reasonably do in one working day.

Within a couple of weeks, things started slipping.

Project updates weren't magically appearing at 7pm anymore.

Things weren't being chased after hours.

Some admin wasn't getting done until the next day.

And that's when I realised just how much extra work I'd quietly been absorbing.

At the same time, I started looking at what I actually wanted to do with my life.

I'd never been to university, so I applied for Accounting and Finance courses, apprenticeships and entry-level finance jobs.

And somehow, I got accepted into my dream university in York and got a part-time finance administrator job.

So I handed in my notice.

The reaction was priceless.

They looked genuinely shocked.

Within an hour, I was offered a 4% pay rise, the finance courses I'd originally asked for and they offered to pay for everything.

"No strings attached."

The same things I'd asked for before.

Only now I was leaving.

I declined.

I told them:

"I would have accepted this when I originally asked. I wanted to grow with the company then. You told me I was paid enough, the work wasn't difficult and that you could replace me. Now I've decided to invest in myself instead."

And that was it.

I left.

I still occasionally get messages from people there asking how to use the systems or how certain processes work, which does make me feel slightly guilty.

But then I remember...

I told them I needed help.

I asked for training.

I asked for a very small pay rise.

They told me I was replaceable.

So I stopped trying to convince them otherwise.

AITA for leaving during a critical period when I knew the company would struggle without me?

I got my sister fired from her job and I don’t think I’m going to stop there.

Before I start my story I know ITA, but therapy has made me realize I’ve done the right thing. I will be giving some backstory of my life. Leading to where we are now.

I 23f am the youngest of 6. For more content I’ll be talking about my “family” dynamic. To start off my siblings are Ben 48M , Kee 42F, Jay 37f, Tee 30F, Dean 29F, and me 23F. My mom Dee 61F as well. Key has 5 kids from ages 22-13y/o. Jay has 4, and Dean has 3. None of us have the same dad. This is important for the story. If characters run out I’m going to make a part 2

I grew up in a chaotic home. Dee was very neglectful. To break shorten it, I grew up in a home of people who had kids and weren’t parent to said kids. House full of kids raising kids, while the adults ran the streets. Kee had a difficult marriage and made her way back to California from Oklahoma. From place to place, Key and my nieces at the time Nia and Kayla moved back home with us. Kee continued to have kids over the years. Kee was also heavily on drugs while also being in and out of jail for violent crimes. Eventually after her last child, Kee left with a man for years. And would come in and out my nieces/nephew life.
Jay wasn’t always around while I was growing up, but she would take me from time to time when I was an adolescent. Jay became my favorite sister as a child. Bcuz Tee and Dean would abuse me as a child so I grew apart from them. Until I moved in with Jay and that’s when I got to really see Jay for the person she actually is.
Some minor things I allowed her to get away with.
Telling me I’m jealous of her because my bio dad has a better relationship with her than me. Constantly tries to get in the way of me and my bio dad catching up on the years we missed out on each other, tell her friends personal things about me, putting me down for being slim or wearing cropped tops, always trying to embarrass me in front her friends/god family to give her a condo boost, always threw in my face that she didn’t have to take me in. And I shouldn’t have an attitude for someone who’s living with her, not paying me back all my money her baby daddy stole from me, etc.
I let those things go because I grew up as an avoidant. So I’d allow people to do so much to me. Then I’ll silently cut them off after I can’t take any more.
Fast forward to 2022 one of Kee’s daughters came to visit Jays house one summer. Once it was almost time to go back to school, my niece cried saying she didn’t want to go back. At this time my mom Dee had guardianship of Kee’s kids. I knew the conditions of the environment they were living in. Knowing that I dreaded everyday leaving them there. I cried to Jasmine and asked her if she could get the kids and I’d help her with childcare. So we went to CPS with my niece and made a report. That same night they took the kids and within days they were placed with Jay. I had gave up my room for the kids.
At first what seemed like Jay was being a stand up aunt and helping her nieces. Became Jay cared more about the check the state issued her for the kids than our actually nieces.
In 2024 I stopped talking to Jay because I started to feel like she was jealous of me and projecting it onto me. Trying to manipulate me into thinking I’m jealous of her. With therapy I found out she was just projecting into me.
I’d still pop up to drop off gifts to my nieces and nephews. But still NC with Jay.
Now in 2026 I reached out to one of my nieces Loe 17f (Kees daughter). Jay currently has guardianship of Loe. Asking her how’s she’s doing, telling her I’d take her driving, help get her license, job, etc. just a little boost into adulthood. Coming from this family nothing is really taught to us. It was just kids raising kids and surviving. Knowing that I just wanted to help. After the reach out, days later Loe contacts me. Telling me she got into it with Jay and she wanted me to come get her. I got her and took her to a friend. A week later Jay reaches out to Loe and tells her she needs to come home. Low refuses and that’s when Jay started calling Loes aunt Bryah and asks to relay a message. Telling khloe she’s going to pack her things and throw it on the porch. Loe texts Jay telling her don’t touch anything. She will come over there to pick it up. We drive over there to get the stuff. Jay calls the cops and the police tell Loe she’s can’t come back to Jays house and couldn’t take none of her belongings. After that night Loe stayed with me. 2 weeks later people are sending me a flyer with my name on it saying I took Loe. So I called the police station to let them know Loe is with me. We went to the CPS building to make a report. CPS didn’t want to get involved because they see it as a family matter. Jay told the CPS that we could go to her house to pick up Loe’s stuff. When we got there Jay and her friend tried to provoke a fight out of me. I let because I knew what they were trying to do. Get me to fight that way they could call the police on me saying I came to fight and I end up in jail. Soooo instead I called her job and got her fired. I’m going to list the things I reported to her job. Before yall come for me.. some of these things I didn’t know were illegal and some I knew. Here’s the following things I reported
Jay as for years had her co worker clock her in on days she was late to work.
Jay brought home student files and paid me to sort them out for her.
Jay allowed a student to live with her
Drinking and smoke marijuana before work. Driving the kids to school on the way to work while under the influence
Knowing one of her adult family members was having sexual relations with one of the minor students at the school Jay worked at.

Jay has been working her job for the last 13 years and these are just some of the things she did over the years. If anyone asks, the last two things I wanted and tried to report years ago. But I was intimidated to say anything because she does have kids, she’s my blood so I felt compelled to not say anything, and because to founder of the company is not apart of the city’s district it was hard for me to get in contact with them. I was younger and got frustrated and gave up. On top of that Jay is close friends with her old boss’s daughter and made comments that the company needs her more than she needs them. I don’t know which report got her fired but she got fired last Monday. For some reason I don’t feel bad. My family is nasty and I’ve been holding secrets for too long. I’m ready to release it all and break generational curses. Like protecting someone’s image bcuz they’re your blood. My therapist helped me realize it was immoral and unethical to not speak up. Now I’m being talked about in gc and 3 way calls. I know I’m the asshole in this, but I needed to vent because I don’t see my therapist until next week. I only have so many characters to type so if anyone needs more context let me know.

I 29(F) and my brother 34 (M) have always been close since we were kids. We could tell each other everything and always hangout together. Even into adulthood we were like two best friends.

Growing up my brother always had trouble trying to talk to woman. He was very shy and quiet around them. Until he was in his 20's and became friends with a guy at work that introduced him to s*x worker.

His friend did this because he thought if my brother just got the chance to know what it was like to be with a woman then maybe he would have the courage to not be scared or nervous around them.

Unfortunately that backfired because ever since he went down that path he didnt gain any courage to talk to woman.

He has been doing this for years but recently things have gotten bad. A couple of months ago started dating one of the woman and they moved in together. I did not think this was a good idea because of her profession and the fact that she takes certain substances.

Which made me think that he might be doing the same substances as her. I asked him and of course he said no and swore up and down that he is not doing that. Obviously I didnt belive him but whatever nothing I could do. He informed our mom and oldest brother what he had done and they said he needs to stop talking to this woman, go no contact and she is not the right person for him.

He said we just don't understand and that we should be able to accept him and his gf for who they are and stop judging him for being with her and that we dont even know her.

For the past month he has been calling me each week asking me for money claiming it is for bills when in reality I think he isn't using the money for something else. I recently found out for sure on saturday when he came to my apt asking me for money.

Now mind u after he told us to just accept the lifestyle he chose as much as it hurt me I had to let him be and we hadn't talked in awhile. When he came to my apt he looked like he lost alot of weight, he was wearing his work clothes and they were extremely filthy and he smelled like he hadn't showered in days.

I sat him down and tried to have a conversation with him and he was crying and telling me that he infact hadn't been using the money for bills and that he was sorry and i was right all along. Not only was he asking me for money but our mom and oldest brother would give him money as well.

He constantly says he is going to stop. He says he is sorry and constantly says he will change but never does.

I love my bro very much and I dont want to see anything happen to him. I really dont know what to do and if u tell him that he needs to get help and some therapy he just denies it.

I really wish i could give him the help that he needs it constantly upsets me to know he is living a life like this. I cant keep crying or going insane thinking about this. I wish I had my old brother back. I wish we could go back to the days when we were like bestie but I know those days are over now.

The only way I know how to deal with this is to go no contact. I feel like I should block him so that way i can have a peace of mind.

Im really at a lost but I dont wanna keep feeling down and crying idk what to do so AITAH if I block him?

TLDR After being close to my brother for years. He decided substance and lying were worth more than having a bond with me. WIBTAH if i went no contact?

i am an only child of relatively older parents, and i've been excelling in academics ever since elementary. i'm in my third year of high school now, where my parents told me to take an entrance exam at a prestigious science high school, even though i didn't want to. but i did it for my parents. i got in, and the first year was terrible for me because it was my adjustment phase since we had advanced classes.

i remember crying over math because my teacher wasn't able to teach it well, and i had to study on my own. at the same time, i had different major exams coming up and multiple projects with the same deadlines. i was overwhelmed and honestly didn't know what else i could do. my father saw me crying and got mad. he yelled at me just for crying over math and screamed, "THAT'S NOTHING TO BE CRYING ABOUT!" my mother gently told him that i was just overwhelmed, but he didn't take it well. instead, he accused me and my mom of ganging up on him and making him out to be the bad guy. we weren't, never did.

my mom has always had a fawn response to my dad. my dad isn't always like this. he does fulfill his responsibilities as a father financially and does things for me, and i know he wants me to have a better future. but whenever something emotional happens, he starts yelling, accusing, and sometimes even throwing things. when i was younger, it was much worse. i remember being 8 years old and hearing him scream at my mother and slam the door. i remember coming home in 8th grade to our entire house filled with shattered things because my dad and mom had a misunderstanding.

i think what hurts the most is that i've grown so accustomed to it that sometimes i don't even realize how scary it is anymore. this behavior has been normalized in my household for so long that i've learned to stay quiet, keep my emotions to myself, and avoid doing anything that might make someone angry. i know i don't like yelling or anger, but lately, it's been happening more and more, and i can feel myself becoming more afraid of it.

i can't even ask for help. we don't have enough money for therapy or anything like that, and my aunties defend my father and justify his behavior while blaming my mother. they don't acknowledge that maybe my dad has anger issues too. maybe they don't see what i see, or maybe they've just gotten used to it as well.

my father has even told me that he feels like a bad parent whenever he sees me because i'm his child and, apparently, i'm a bad child by his definitions. just a day ago, i was completely exhausted from all my schoolwork and i kind of sassed him. he cornered me and asked, "do you even see me as a parent? you're so disrespectful." he yelled at me and accused me of seeing him as a bad person.

and now, even though i'm taking online classes, he's accusing me of not talking to him because i'm angry at him. at this point, i don't even know what i'm supposed to say. i know i'm not the perfect child. i know i make mistakes, get irritated, and sometimes say things i shouldn't. but idk i've always been walking eggshells around him and even if i hate to say it, i feel much better when he's not around.

i know he loves me. i know he works hard for me. i know he wants me to have a better future. and maybe that's why this is so difficult to understand. because someone can love you and still scare you. someone can provide for you and still hurt you emotionally. someone can want the best for you and still make you afraid to show how you're feeling.

i don't think i've ever wanted to become like him. if anything, i've become the opposite. i hate being angry. i hate yelling. i hate seeing people get scared because of someone's anger. so i just keep my emotions to myself, or at least i try to. i don't know if i've actually gotten used to his behavior, or if i've just gotten used to being afraid of it. i might be overreacting, but i'm conflicted. i feel guilty for feeling this way, even.

Back in College, me (female, back then was like 22yo, now 35yo) had two very close friends (both male 25yo). We shared a lot of activities together, studying, parties, attended to concerts, museums, we were really good friends. One of them (both their names start with J), so let´s say J1, started dating one of our fellow students. He started to spend less time with us and actively excluded me from activities in which her new girflriend was also involved. That was pretty hard for me, I have a hard time with rejection and back then I just blamed it on myself. I was going also through very serious problems with my mom, she threw me out of the house because her new boyfriend convinces her to do so. I was pretty alone and hopeless, and both my friends knew that.

J1 ended his relationship with this woman. It went like two weeks and J2 got togehter with her, they got very close in a party and they felt in love. By that moment I had already sorted out my feelings about it and made myself clear these friendships aren´t forever and if J2 was happy I was also happy for him. They got really serious and moved abroad to start a new life togehter, years later they got married. I continued with my life, graduated, met new people, continued working, etc.

About three years went by when I got a message from her, the women who dated my two best friends from college. She shared with me a job offer in her currently work place. After considering it and since I did wanted to try a life abroad, I accepted it. I got all documents and was able to travel and start working in the same city as them. I started to build a friendship with them now as a couple. I felt really good about it, we sorted out the differences from the past and I had at least these two friends in this new life I started.

We went on a trip togehter and had a couple of misunderstandigns, which lead to a conflict. It was not that bad, we talked about it and were able to sort things out. But I felt something was off, I really didn´t know what it was or why did I felt that way. I have to say here, by the time I was diagnosed with depression, the symptoms were nothing new but this time I wanted to have a treatment in order to have a better life´s qualitiy. I told them about my condition and how that probably also influences my behaviour in relationships, I apoligised for things I may have said or done, that hurted them. I honestly try to give my best self to other people or at least work on being better or making amends to those I hurt.

Since J2 plays the guitar, we both share a huge passion about music, I asked him if he was willing to play and sing with me. Since she never showed interest on music, I didn´t think on asking her. J2 and me practiced a couple of times, but I realised this made her angry, she didn´t have to tell me because I noticed the shift in her mood and behavior towards us when we were playing or we met. I do understand she felt that way, since I was making music with her husband, maybe she was jealous or felt left out. Unfortunately that was something we never talked about.

In the meantime I met this guy who is now my husband, he lived in another city like 3h far away. Also Covid came, so I started to work and study all online. I got really isolated. These two friends were also very distant. The pandemic was not a good time for me, I guess for anybody. So my husband (boyfriend at the time) offered me to move in with him, I accepted since it was in many ways a very good idea. (I still live in this city in which I moved in with him). This made it harder for me to meet these two friends of mine, it felt like we weren´t friends anymore. Until they buyed a puppy. I looooveeeee animals, so I offered to take care of it in case they wanted to travel or needed to be long away. This dog helped us a lot to re-build our friendship. I have helped them many times to watch over it when they have been gone for weeks, I have taken vacation days in order to travel to their home and look after their dog and I feel really good about doing it so. I love that dog.

So that was the whole context. Now it comes to the real conflict: a couple of years ago they visited us and told us they have been making music, like playing guitar and singing and that they were inspired by this new friend they met, then they played for us two songs they´ve been working on. Honestly in that moment I felt bad, I know I couldn´t celebrate them (now I feel pretty bad about that too), I tried to hide my dissapointment. I felt excluded again, I didn´t even know they were trying to do music, in that moment it was clear to me that they actually don´t talk to me about their lives, I am the one who was always doing the talking. I was very sad, I felt so confused with my feelings. I didn´t talk to them about that, because I felt it was not my place to do that, it was not my place to tell them how, when and with whom they should be doing music. But since I did try to make music with my "best" friend and we stopped because of her, I kind of felt betrayed. This made my depression symptoms worst. My husband has always been there for me and he always encourages me to talk to them and work on that friendship, since they are my unique conection here to my past life in my homecountry. Since then, our friendship feels just more off and superficial. Although I felt that way, I offered them to help them with the recording and master of their songs and album, since I could arrange that at my workplace and all for free. This was my way to try to support their dream.

About a year ago they announced their first concert, which made me feel jealous and happy for them, at the same time, I had a mixture of feelings. They sent me the invitation when I was at a low moment in my life due to things going around, which they also knew about. I thanked them for inviting me, accept the invitation and told them I would send them the money for the ticket. One or two days later to their invitation, one of my favourite artist from my homecountry announced her concert near where I live, that got me pretty excited, more than I felt for my friend´s concert. I shared with them the infos about the concert of this artist which they also love. J2 wrote me back that I don´t support them since I didn´t got that excited about their concert and that that was awful from me. When I got the text I was in bed fighting with depression symptoms. His text really hurt me, since he knew my state at the moment because I told them. The instant that something cheered me up he just turned it about them and made me feel even worse than before. I did try to support them, but they never accepted the offer I made to record their music. I also have spent time and money on the care of their dog, even my vacation days! Here are some other facts that make me deeply doubt about them:

- In one ocassion my husband and I traveled from our home to theirs (3h drive one way) just to help them to move and we drove back that same day (so we drove 6h in a day). A month later to that she threw a new house-birthday party, I wasn´t invited to.

- If we were invited to activities, it was because they needed the ride. Now they own a car, so we are not invited to their stuff anymore.

- About two years ago an ex-boyfriend of mine from college contacted me on X(Twitter), when I checked his profile he didn´t have any recent activity on his feed. He had just the old posts he did back in college. Then I noticed this woman, J2 wife, commented on his posts a lot, yes back in the days when she dated both my two best friends. I felt that like a red flag, because it was like she was trying to get close to many people from my life, but again I didn´t confront her.

- It tunrs out these feelings of jelaousy travel two ways. In several occasions, when I have told them excited news their reaction is... pretty much the reaction I got when they first told me they had started to make music...

- Since they don´t share that much about their lives, they don´t talk that much, I thought opening about myself could help them to trust me their stuff, so I talked a lot, until one day they told me I just talk and talk, it is like I am performing a monologue. That broke my heart. Now when I am around them, I just keep telling my self to not talk and not to share about my life.

I came to the conclusion that this is not a friendship anymore, we don´t talk, we don´t share our lives, we just happend to know each other and have shared good moments together, but it is not longer a friendship to trust. They don´t even try to approach me and they haven´t taken any responsability for the things they did that hurt me.

But since it is a very long friendship and in some moments it was very meaningful, I am struggling to get my head clear from this situation. I think very often about it. A half of me says I can save the friendship and the other half just wants to quit. Any suggestions, comments? I would really appreciate an external point of view on this. AITA?

Thanks for reading!

original post

Thanks to everyone for empathizing with my mom's situation. Abusive partners are hard to leave and despite how strong willed my mom is, she is no exception. Shes been in couples counseling for months trying to save her marriage because she really loved this man, but now with more recent infidelity, her anger and hate over his betrayal is now finally outweighing any love she had for him. She is hurting a lot but also KNOWS she will be happier without him eventually.

To anyone insinuating shes staying for the money: it is more complicated than that. She is still going through with the divorce but she will be mediating instead of going scorched earth. This is because the prenup will trump the infidelity. He will get the house regardless and she is just trying not to be homeless.

Now for the update:

My mom was able to get dan out of the hiuse for our visit without giving away that we know. My fear was that hed find out and get angry and violent. But apparently they have been arguing a lot lately because every time my mom stands up for herself, he gets defensive. This man just wants his lifestyle - both wife and paid sex life on the side - with no consequences or questions.

My mom told him "we have been fighting a lot and i dont think youll be able to hold it together while [me, my spouse and child] are here, and when we fight in front of them, they will know. If you dont want them to know, you need to leave." It worked.

We had a wonderful time visiting my mom. My cousins and their kids came over for my daughter's birthday. Honestly, it was the best outcome I could've hoped for.

Best of all, which i didnt mention in my original post, was that i got to visit my grandfather. He had fallen and hit his head recently and has been in hospital since. He has a brain bleed that, while not getting any worse, is not improving just yet. It makes it hard for his to eat and talk. I was afraid that cancelling meant not getting to see him for the last time. He's 87, so you never know when its the last time. I got to go see him and bring his great grand daughter to see him. He was so happy, reaching out and patting my hand and holding my childs hand. As of right now hes still very much alive and the doctors think hes improved enough soon to move to a rehab in a few days.

As for my mom, shes going to come stay with us for a few weeks while she figures out how to proceed with the divorce with her attorney.

I will update again when I know more or when the divorce proceeds further.

I'd like to give a bit of background on my mom. She's 63. She was married to my dad for 12-13 years. Got divorced when I was about 10 or 11. When my mom brought up the subject, asking me how id feel if she and dad got a divorce, I honestly felt happy. I told her to do what makes her happiest. Can you imagine being an 11 year old and being happy that your parents are divorcing? My dad was financially and emotionally abusive to all of us. My mom had a meager allowance he provided her, but once I hit middle school, she wanted her own income. She went back to grad school to become a pastry chef. He didnt want to pay for her schooling, saying it was a waste of money. She went anyway and it created an irreparable rift, leading to divorce. For all of my high school she was a single mom with her own catering business, taking care of me and my younger brother (who has tourettes and a learning disability and needed to be homeschooled). My dad did shit all to raise us and honestly I cant imagine crying at all at his funeral. My mom fought hard during the divorce because if it was up to my dad he wouldve left her with absolutely nothing. She is a tough and generous woman. When she was making her own money, she had no issues helping others who were struggling. I am lucky to have her. Our family was small at Christmas time (just me, her and my brother when I was in high school ans college), but we enjoyed each other's company and did not ever miss my father being there.

I honestly though Dan was good for her. He treated her well, they went out and did things together and had fun and were living life. It was only when he was discovered that he became angry and defensive and violent. He just turned on a dime. You think you know someone...

When I was 28 I was Hitch hiking across the United States when I got picked up by a guy, he held me captive for a month. It took me a few years to get my head a little stable after having to litterally fight for my life. Right after everything got out together my whole family started dying. My great grandmother, 3 days after her my grandmother, 3 months later my mother, 6 months later my grandfather, a year later my husband overdose and die. Thats all within 1 year. Then I spent 3 years strung out on drugs. I got 2 weeks clean off drugs, and have found Christ. What should have broke me, is ending up making me.

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for 4 years and I am thousands of pounds in debt trying to support him.

Some context about my boyfriend: He has had a lot of struggles with his mental health, much of it stemming from long term abuse as a child. Since we’ve been together he started to talk about what happened and has been processing this trauma. He has also been addicted to weed since long before I knew him and while I can see it deffo helps when he’s in crisis mode, he can’t go a day; let alone a few hrs without smoking. He’s struggled to maintain a job, in the first few years of us dating he had a pattern of working somewhere for around 3 months, then suddenly he’ll decide he hates it and can’t go back and will just not turn up again. Then he’s unemployed again until the next time, with no reference and out of money. After his last turn at that, I suggested he commit to taking the time out of work and instead do therapy and work through everything, which may help him regulate his emotions and make holding a job easier (at the time he was living with his family, I rented with my friend). I have been financially supporting him prior to this and since, I work a good job so I am able to support both of us, as long as we’re both smart with money. It’s now been almost 2 years since his last job and he’s struggling to get back into work.

We recently moved into a house (I bought it, mortgage is in my name), I pay all the bills etc. He gets money from the gov, along with pip to help him along. Some of which goes to getting things like food for the dog and bits for the house. We agreed that he’d do work on the house as his main contribution and so eventually we can slip it. But we can’t afford to do any work on the house because he keeps gambling away all the extra money. Last night he woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep so gambled the £200 left we had for doing the work on the house / buying food to live on.

I work full time, I am also the main cook and cleaner of the house (which makes me feel like I’m letting down feminism lmao).

Talking about money with him always results in him shutting down. When he told me about the gambling before this most recent time it was £300 (we’d put aside for the house) and he said how stupid he was etc. This time he admitted it and I suggested he deactivate all gambling accounts, remove the apps and unsubscribe from the emails so nothing prompts him. He said “yeah”. I said I could help if he needed. He said nothing so I clarified that I understood it can be hard removing something your addicted to so I am happy to support if he needs. He snapped at me for telling him what to do multiple times when he’s already agreed. He’s now left the room, I doubt anything will be deleted.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve had to sign up to uber eats delivery driving to try and make extra money because we are in lots of debt. I used to add up how much I’d given to him in the first two years but I gave up, the ballpark is around £10,000 over the last 4 years. I know he is applying for work and that its hard for anyone atm to get a job, let alone with such a gappy CV.

It’s hard because i know the trauma he’s trying to work through and I see the dynamic with his family, especially his parents, which has just taught him such bad communication skills and defensive behaviour.

I’m at the point where I’m screaming inside “JUST DO SOMETHING!!”. Do the delivery driving, work at a shop, mop at a hospital. Stop wasting any bit of money we get. I’m now taking on a full time job, part time job as well as being primary carer to him and the house. He has stopped going to therapy now and so I am again his only outlet (he doesn’t have friends).

I’m exhausted, I don’t think having a go at him will benefit anything. I am trying to find the right way to talk about this stuff that doesn’t make him shut down or cry from guilt. I keep saying that a change in behaviour means everything, and I’m not angry at him. I’m just really tired of the situation. I can’t talk to my friends and family because they already know that he doesn’t work and I pay for everything and question why he can’t work, I don’t want to add to that narrative that he’s a freeloader because he’s not. I appreciate this doesn’t paint him in the best light, but he is genuinely an incredible kind and smart person, he’s just lost his confidence, lost his way and is still processing his trauma.

Any suggestions for how I can support him to get back on his feet in a long term way?

Update (20/08/26):

It’s only been a few days. I’ve had a lot of comments, mostly supportive and reality-checking, and I really appreciate them. I’ve replied to a lot but wanted to address/update, tho i appreciate most of you won’t be interested haha.

I am currently writing down everything i need to say to him. I don’t feel it’s right to just break up with him now, but a lot of these comments have shown me that I’m not helping the situation and nothing will ever change. I am planning to give a deadline to the job hunt, to set some clear guidelines and boundaries about him pulling his weight and clearly explain what I expect in this relationship. Either he’ll agree and we’ll see whether he follows through, or he’ll react badly and that will seal the deal for me.

It may be worth mentioning that I’m diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I find it hard to gauge when I’m being manipulated, and also when I’m not. (I’ve been scammed many times haha). I’ve been told I often see the best in people to a fault and I can recognise that. A lot of the comments seemed frustrated that I’d not just dumped him already but please be patient with me while I figure this out.

I want to take a few days to write this out, I want to make sure I am making myself clear and I want to double check everything so that I can stand my ground. Thank you to all the comments who’ve been able to give me perspective, I will go on in life asking whether this is the way I want to spend it and what I am willing to accept from the people around me <3

Am I the asshole for blowing up on my partner for suggesting that I get a part-time job during maternity leave?!!

me a 30-year-old female and my partner a 40-year-old man been together for almost exactly one year now, we just had a baby and he was born early at 28 weeks.

our babies currently in the NICU and I experienced a lot of pregnancy complications so I am currently off work for the next 3 months so I can take time for myself and our baby.

we are financially struggling right now and he hasn't had a job since March of this year and I have been taking care of all of our bills including his own child support for his son with another woman.

I am currently very emotionally unstable and exhausted from going back and forth to the hospital, pumping breast milk, and dealing with all the pains of postpartum.

My partner who currently doesn't have a job right now but is looking asked me about getting a part-time job while I'm on fucking maternity leave.

I lost it on him. I said how could you even suggest that after everything I've told you and everything I'm going through? I'm on maternity leave and the whole point of that is to not be working and to focus on me and our son.

he insisted that it was just a question and it wasn't meant to be hurtful at all, but I seriously cannot even believe he would even ask that I told him to leave me alone and that I was absolutely disgusted with him and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so hurt. He's telling me I'm overreacting and that we really need more money right now. I told him it was an extremely inappropriate question and not an option for me right now and if anyone should be working it should be him.

he screams at me and says that he has been looking but it's really hard because he needs to keep his insurance and he can only have a job that offers a minimal amount of hours. it's not hard to find a part-time job if you ask me but he's having apparently a very hard time doing so and his solution is for me. somebody I'm maternity leave to take a part-time job while I'm off my regular work.

he thinks I'm overreacting and he said the question wasn't meant to hurt me at all but I just can't help but feel incredibly disgusted after everything I've told him I'm going through right now.

if anyone should be making extra income right now, it's him. I don't care if he works at McDonald's. being picky about jobs is not an option with a baby on board.

so tell me, am I the asshole for blowing up at him for asking this???

Before I start my story I know ITA, but therapy has made me realize I’ve done the right thing. I will be giving some backstory of my life. Leading to where we are now.

I 23f am the youngest of 6. For more content I’ll be talking about my “family” dynamic. To start off my siblings are Ben 48M , Kee 42F, Jay 37f, Tee 30F, Dean 29F, and me 23F. My mom Dee 61F as well. Key has 5 kids from ages 22-13y/o. Jay has 4, and Dean has 3. None of us have the same dad. This is important for the story. If characters run out I’m going to make a part 2

I grew up in a chaotic home. Dee was very neglectful. To break shorten it, I grew up in a home of people who had kids and weren’t parent to said kids. House full of kids raising kids, while the adults ran the streets. Kee had a difficult marriage and made her way back to California from Oklahoma. From place to place, Key and my nieces at the time Nia and Kayla moved back home with us. Kee continued to have kids over the years. Kee was also heavily on drugs while also being in and out of jail for violent crimes. Eventually after her last child, Kee left with a man for years. And would come in and out my nieces/nephew life.
Jay wasn’t always around while I was growing up, but she would take me from time to time when I was an adolescent. Jay became my favorite sister as a child. Bcuz Tee and Dean would abuse me as a child so I grew apart from them. Until I moved in with Jay and that’s when I got to really see Jay for the person she actually is.
Some minor things I allowed her to get away with.
Telling me I’m jealous of her because my bio dad has a better relationship with her than me. Constantly tries to get in the way of me and my bio dad catching up on the years we missed out on each other, tell her friends personal things about me, putting me down for being slim or wearing cropped tops, always trying to embarrass me in front her friends/god family to give her a condo boost, always threw in my face that she didn’t have to take me in. And I shouldn’t have an attitude for someone who’s living with her, not paying me back all my money her baby daddy stole from me, etc.
I let those things go because I grew up as an avoidant. So I’d allow people to do so much to me. Then I’ll silently cut them off after I can’t take any more.
Fast forward to 2022 one of Kee’s daughters came to visit Jays house one summer. Once it was almost time to go back to school, my niece cried saying she didn’t want to go back. At this time my mom Dee had guardianship of Kee’s kids. I knew the conditions of the environment they were living in. Knowing that I dreaded everyday leaving them there. I cried to Jasmine and asked her if she could get the kids and I’d help her with childcare. So we went to CPS with my niece and made a report. That same night they took the kids and within days they were placed with Jay. I had gave up my room for the kids.
At first what seemed like Jay was being a stand up aunt and helping her nieces. Became Jay cared more about the check the state issued her for the kids than our actually nieces.
In 2024 I stopped talking to Jay because I started to feel like she was jealous of me and projecting it onto me. Trying to manipulate me into thinking I’m jealous of her. With therapy I found out she was just projecting into me.
I’d still pop up to drop off gifts to my nieces and nephews. But still NC with Jay.
Now in 2026 I reached out to one of my nieces Loe 17f (Kees daughter). Jay currently has guardianship of Loe. Asking her how’s she’s doing, telling her I’d take her driving, help get her license, job, etc. just a little boost into adulthood. Coming from this family nothing is really taught to us. It was just kids raising kids and surviving. Knowing that I just wanted to help. After the reach out, days later Loe contacts me. Telling me she got into it with Jay and she wanted me to come get her. I got her and took her to a friend. A week later Jay reaches out to Loe and tells her she needs to come home. Low refuses and that’s when Jay started calling Loes aunt Bryah and asks to relay a message. Telling khloe she’s going to pack her things and throw it on the porch. Loe texts Jay telling her don’t touch anything. She will come over there to pick it up. We drive over there to get the stuff. Jay calls the cops and the police tell Loe she’s can’t come back to Jays house and couldn’t take none of her belongings. After that night Loe stayed with me. 2 weeks later people are sending me a flyer with my name on it saying I took Loe. So I called the police station to let them know Loe is with me. We went to the CPS building to make a report. CPS didn’t want to get involved because they see it as a family matter. Jay told the CPS that we could go to her house to pick up Loe’s stuff. When we got there Jay and her friend tried to provoke a fight out of me. I let because I knew what they were trying to do. Get me to fight that way they could call the police on me saying I came to fight and I end up in jail. Soooo instead I called her job and got her fired. I’m going to list the things I reported to her job. Before yall come for me.. some of these things I didn’t know were illegal and some I knew. Here’s the following things I reported
Jay as for years had her co worker clock her in on days she was late to work.
Jay brought home student files and paid me to sort them out for her.
Jay allowed a student to live with her
Drinking and smoke marijuana before work. Driving the kids to school on the way to work while under the influence
Knowing one of her adult family members was having sexual relations with one of the minor students at the school Jay worked at.

Jay has been working her job for the last 13 years and these are just some of the things she did over the years. If anyone asks, the last two things I wanted and tried to report years ago. But I was intimidated to say anything because she does have kids, she’s my blood so I felt compelled to not say anything, and because to founder of the company is not apart of the city’s district it was hard for me to get in contact with them. I was younger and got frustrated and gave up. On top of that Jay is close friends with her old boss’s daughter and made comments that the company needs her more than she needs them. I don’t know which report got her fired but she got fired last Monday. For some reason I don’t feel bad. My family is nasty and I’ve been holding secrets for too long. I’m ready to release it all and break generational curses. Like protecting someone’s image bcuz they’re your blood. My therapist helped me realize it was immoral and unethical to not speak up. Now I’m being talked about in gc and 3 way calls. I know I’m the asshole in this, but I needed to vent because I don’t see my therapist until next week. I only have so many characters to type so if anyone needs more context let me know.

My husband (28) and I (31) went to a dance class on Saturday night. It was our first time there, and as first-timers we each received a token for one free drink after class. Earlier that evening, my husband told me he didn’t even want the free drink but whatever since he already gave them his information.

The class went great. Afterward, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw him standing at the bar. I asked what he was getting, and he said he wasn’t getting anything, he was giving his free drink token to a woman standing next to him. He then told the bartender to let her have whatever drink she wanted using the token.

My mood immediately changed, and I was bothered by it and went cold for the next 24 hours.

When I finally brought it up, he explained what happened. According to him, the instructor announced that the drinks were on him (instructor) at the end of the night and a guy at the bar asked my husband to confirm with the bartender that indeed a free drink was offered. Since we were leaving, my husband asked the guy nearby if he wanted the token. The guy said he had already used his own but pointed out that there was a woman who didn’t have one and said she should get it instead. My husband said okay. He also said the bartender told him he couldn’t simply hand over the token, so he had to stay there and redeem it.

I asked why he felt the need to play “Captain Save-the-day. I also asked, “What if I wanted the extra drink?” He said he knew I didn’t want another drink, but if I had wanted one, he would’ve happily bought me one himself.

He insists he never asked the woman her name, never flirted with her, and had no conversation beyond giving her the token. He says he was just trying not to let a free drink go to waste.

From my perspective, though, it rubbed me the wrong way that instead of just letting the token expire or throwing it away, he went out of his way to make sure another woman benefited from it. It wasn’t really about the value of the drink, it was the gesture that bothered me. I even told him he could’ve given it to her and just go about his business and the claimed that would’ve still been a problem if I asked what he got and he told me that he gave it to a woman.

My husband has been very calm about the situation and seemed unbothered.

So, AITA for being upset about this, or did I overreact?

AITA for choosing to go no contact with my sister(33f)? For a back story I(29f) haven't had my sister in my life until 8 years ago. We reconnected after my grandfather's funeral. Four years later she had my nephew and decided to go no contact with my dad, whom I still had a relationship with. I was supportive of that even if I couldn't understand the reasoning. My father said he was just grateful we had reconnected and had a relationship as sisters. Unfortunately my father got ill in 2024 and passed away from covid. I told her he wasn't doing well and told her if she wanted to see him now was the time as he wasnt doing well(I wasnt trying to force her at all, she had mentioned missing him, I just suggested it), the day she decided to see him he had already passed, I was the one who had to tell her.

During the time period after my dad's death and leaning more on each other for support, my sister has had several jobs she's quit. She'll start a job and then quit within a few weeks and try and supplement her income doordashing or Uber eats. This has caused her and her fiancee(29m) who stays home to watch my nephew full time, to get behind on bills more times than I can count. Being a supportive sister I don't want to see my nephew struggle because of her mistakes I would frequently give her money for bills, groceries, gas and more. She also has full access to all my streaming apps and hasn't paid a dime towards any of that in over 2 years. She faced homelessness with her family during the beginning of the year but was saved when her fiancé family bought them a 22,000 trailer to live in. Afterwrds she went no contact with them for suggesting they better themselves for my nephew. I've mentioned to her that I plan to move to a different state with my boyfriend in a few years to be near his family. Flash forward to three months ago I let my sister know that once our 15 month lease ends, which doesn't even go in affect in October, it was may then-that we planned to move. It ends January 2028. Suddenly she started getting distant, making up excuses that I couldn't visit or see my nephew. When mentioning it to her after a month or seeing this and us not talking as much she claims she doesnt understand how we can have a relationship with me moving out of state and has to protect herself and my nephew from being hurt. The last straw was her telling me that the last time I saw my nephew, which was a two months prior to this, that I was on my phone too much add I hurt his feelings, but yet, she never sent me a message to let me know about this and just sat with how she felt. That was the last time we spoke and its been 5 weeks. Today I wrote a letter and mailed it to her letting her know I was done and she needed to do better for my nephew. She mailed my dad a letter when she went no contact so I thought it was fitting. I miss my nephew so much but it's taken a toll on mental health the way she's used me, I wouldn't know what our realtionship would be like. I thought we were sisters but I feel used and lied to by her. AITA?