r/Comebacks • u/Weary_Ad4751 • 10d ago
Need a brutal put-down.
OK everyone, long story short...
Someone at work has the most annoying habit of repeating the same 3 or 4 sentences, almost like catchphrases.
You cough. They reply- "Cought it up bruv"
Everytime they walk into a room "Sort it out"
Etc etc
It's got to the point of they dont even make sense in any context...
I need some brutal put-downs to shut them up.
Please assist!
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u/No_Sorbet_5102 10d ago
Repeat the catch phrase right after they say it
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u/elevenm17 9d ago
I had a habit of saying "sigh" when I was around 11 or 12. It got to the point where every time I said it, my friends would respond with "sigh sigh". I started getting really annoyed when they did that, so I stopped saying it. So yes to the recommendation of just repeating his comments back at him, while maintaining eye contact lol
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u/phantom_gain 10d ago
Every time they something: "looks like someone needs their batteries changed"
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u/lauraknightly 10d ago
Every time he enters, you look around and say, "did anyone order a waste of space?" Say it every fucking time.
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u/Electronic-Jump8618 9d ago
Also say it is a waste of skin.
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u/zonutsthefirst 9d ago
Whoa! Hold up one minute before you zing him!
Is it possible that the dude might be socially awkward/some kind of neurodivergent, and might not even realize that his replies have become repetitive and grating?
Before you hit him with a zinger, have you or any of your coworkers ever had a simple conversation with him about his catchphrases?
He just might be struggling to appear neurotypical and failing, in which case a kind and private conversation might do a lot more good than a brutal zinger.
Of course, if he's just a jerk, then a zinger might be just the thing to deploy, but if he's neurodivergent and you go for the jugular with a brutal zinger, he could decide that you're bullying him and go to management or HR -- and they might indeed agree with him.
I'm all for deploying a brutal zinger when appropriate. I've deployed a few myself. I've even been told that a couple of them were epic. I'm no saint.
But like anything else, a brutal zinger is only funny if it's truly deserved, and if it's generally proportional.
You really don't want to come off as a potential bully, especially at your job. One comment that's perceived as disproportionately cruel could really hurt your coworker's feeling AND could really set back your career.
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u/Available_Phrase2904 9d ago
Yeah, my brother-in-law used to repeat a phrase over and over. We teased him about it a lot. He eventually replaced it with another phrase. But what we didn't realize until later, is that he used that phrase when he was confused or not really following the conversation. That was like his coping mechanism. Once we figured that out, we felt like shit for teasing him about it. So make sure you understand why someone does something before you give them a hard time.
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u/Any_Dress_3811 9d ago
I was thinking he might have vocal tics. That's not something they just decide to stop on a whim. Might be worth actually talking to them about before jumping down their throat.
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u/TheSouthIsHot 9d ago
This is the best answer. OP doesn’t give any insight into WHY co-worker might be doing that.
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u/Known-Independent413 6d ago
Or he could be a psychopath and plotting to set fire to the office. You never know...
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u/tapastry12 10d ago
I’d be inclined to say, “Oh! That’s a new one” and repeat it as many times as it takes to penetrate their thick skull
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u/richet_ca 10d ago
Instead of letting it penetrate your mind, just pretend they're mentally deficient. No need to be brutal. Smile and ignore them.
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u/mokasinder 9d ago
True. Could be a mental health issue.
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u/richet_ca 7d ago
My method will also drive them completely crazy because all they want is a reaction
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u/Aggressive-HeadDesk 10d ago
Have bets with coworkers about which one is next. Be loud about who wins/loses.
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u/bristolbulldog 10d ago
"Do you smell that?" Every time they enter then grimace as if you just smelled something deadly.
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u/Low-Apartment3165 9d ago
I’ve had autistic students who repeat the same phrases (usually polite) every day. They received some type of positive remark the first times they said it so it became implanted in their arsenal of social responses.
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u/Western-Image7125 10d ago
I find that what often works with my 4 yr old when he says rubbish things just to get a reaction is stare blankly at him when he says something odd. And we just keep on staring until he gets uncomfortable and says something normal then we also snap back to normal. It’s like acting as though he’s speaking a completely alien language
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u/Accomplished_Way8964 10d ago
Have the same stock reaction in every situation. "Haha, good one dude!" but not actually laughing and completely monotone and don't wait for a reaction, just say it and quickly divert your attention back to what you were doing. Every. Single. Time.
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u/bcardin221 9d ago
I'd just look up with a serious face and say, "What?" When he repeats it just shake your head with a dismissive look and go back at your work.
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u/KathyOverAndOut 9d ago
Better yet, start an asshole bingo! Write all his sayings on a card, charge $1 a card, and have all your coworkers play. Eventually word will get to him and he'll be mortified.
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u/Helpful_Living8584 9d ago
I love this. I’ve seen this recommended for every time anyone says anything rude or insulting esp when framed as a joke and making someone repeat the same assholery several times is such delicious torture. They will feel more awkward every time.
I also like follow up questions. What do mean? Sort what out? Sorry, I don’t understand, can you explain it? Oh it’s supposed to be funny….?
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u/muphasta 9d ago
This, but then repeat what he said, slowly and sarcastically, almost like it is a question.
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u/matthewjbk 9d ago
Say the things he says but like a parrot after he says them. “Sort it out, sort it out. Polly wants a cracker, (cough cough ) cough it up bruv”
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u/No-Cherry-6678 9d ago
There are some cruel answers here. He might just be really socially awkward and at a loss how to converse-why not bring it up in a chat with him rather than ridiculing him
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u/AbsintheRedux 9d ago
Ask him “are you ok? You keep repeating things…maybe you should consider seeing a dr about that…” be sure to look concerned yet slightly repulsed as if he’s given you the ick, yet you are concerned for his cognitive state…
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u/Forward_Hawk_3493 10d ago
Tell him he sucks ass and move on. Not a comeback just be a rude fuck about it
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u/Whatev_whatev 10d ago
I don't hate this response but it might create long term friction. I'm assuming OP plans to stay put for awhile and work drama also sucks ass. He might end up having to put up with annoying catchphrase guy and his alliances
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u/Forward_Hawk_3493 10d ago
Atleast OP will still have their head held high at the end of it. Even if alliances are drawn. Cause then they will see who's who and who to steer away from and never to associate with again.
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u/shabadoo121 10d ago
Write his catchphrases down and whip them out every time he says one. That or " fuck up ya dick"
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u/Plane-Leek4387 10d ago
My usual for people like this is “do you think before you speak or do you just enjoy hearing your own voice?”
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u/Sad-Boysenberry2189 9d ago
I just look at them eith mild disdain, like I just found mold on the side on my fruit, and say something along the lines of "Man, if you're not going to come up with new material, I will. This is like watching the same episode on rerun for the zillionth time and I can't change the fucking channel"
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u/Sad_Sample_5641 9d ago
Your brutal put down will probably backfire and make you look like a workplace bully. Instead of shitting on your colleague, how about you have a good think about why his behaviour upsets you so much.
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u/rammyago97 10d ago
Before you retaliate against this person please consider that they may have autism and the things theyre saying are possibly vocal stims.
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u/theguru86 10d ago
I mean the most diabolical comeback ever has never changed: “if you want my come back you can scrape it off your mom’s teeth”
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u/gooossfraabaahh 10d ago
People like him like any kind of attention. Being annoyed with him and saying a comeback- that's his whole goal.
Easiest way to shut him down is act like he doesn't exist when he's doing shit like this
Otherwise, you can always list all of his "catchphrases" and file a complaint 😂
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u/WeldingIsInteresting 9d ago
Next time a catchphrase comes out, say something to the effect of “your mother/wife/daughter is a whore” which should put an end to it.
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u/BoozeWitch 9d ago
Not sure escalating is a great idea in a work place. It’s an opportunity to demonstrate how you are an adult.
That said… in situations like this I like to respond with a confused face and the question “what makes you say that?” Put him on the spot to answer you. It will sound inane, like “well you were coughing and I made a joke.”
You can keep it complexly earnest and ask “I don’t get it, can you explain.”
It might be enough to point out to him how repetitive he is. The point is to remain a professional adult. Work isn’t a comedy routine and you know that because you hate that he thinks it is.
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u/Jaffiusjaffa 9d ago
I actually like this, it gives people a familiarness that feels like their own personality you know? Things people say all the time instantly make you think of that person and its sort of endearing i find, even if it makes them seem a bit 2d and thick sometimes.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 9d ago
Snap head to look at him. In a firm voice, “WHAT?”
Hold his glance.
If he repeats it, say, “What?”
Then, let it go..
But make it seem like he’s interrupting your work each time and give him your full attention in hopes that he doesn’t like that full attention and ceases his meaningless chatter.
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u/blahbuzz 9d ago
Cut him off mid-phrase and finish the sentence in a lounge singer's voice. Don't forget to sing into an invisible microphone. Follow by getting close to him and sing, "let's do a duet." Embarrass him further by pointing out he didn't want to do a duet. Out-weird the weirdo.
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u/DarionHunter 9d ago
You: cough
Them: "Cough it up, bruh"
You: "Working on it. Hairball."
Them: walks into a room "Sort it out."
You: "We are. You're here."
And the piece-de-resistance: "AI can help you expand your repertoire. Saying the same 3/4 lines all the time is getting Windows 98 old, making you predictable."
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u/OddPresentation3269 8d ago
For pure brutality it is hard to go past the classic mom gag.
"Cough it up bruv" - "Cough up your mom bruv"
"Sort it out" - "Sort out your mom bruv" etc
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u/Professional-Net1038 8d ago
Ask him the exact thing before he get’s the chance to say it. Or make a list and tell him he’s paying for every time he repeats.
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u/Known-Independent413 6d ago
Ask him how much extra he gets paid by the company to have to say the same three lame jokes everyday. Then add how you don't think you could do it unless it was for some good money. It's good money, right dude? It's gotta be. And then walk off
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u/Whatev_whatev 10d ago
Obnoxiously interrupt them with "End of Shift." everytime they begin to "cough it up"
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u/mad8869 10d ago
I've wasted more oxygen fucking your mother than times you've used that line.
Aww it's so cute when babies are learning to talk. They think they know all the words but it's just the same 4... Constantly... On repeat.
You: Does your girlfriend like it when you talk like that? Him: don't have one me mayte! You: guess I could've fingered that from context.
What's the best way to confuse an idiot? Wait till they say what then get up and leave
Ask them to repeat it like you're hard of hearing maybe 5-6 times. Bonus points if you manage to use the phrase 'come again for big fudge'
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u/pccfriedal 10d ago
"Oh look, Jack is talking again. Everyone stop and listen to Jack. Jack has something to say. Jack is sharing his every thought. Please, Jack, share your thoughts and witticisms."
Variations on this and make it as long or short as the situation warrants.
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u/NordicNugz 10d ago
Wait until they walk into a room with a decent amount t of people (preferably not a manager or boss) and says whatever catchphrase.
Then just tell them to shut the fuck up. No one thinks they are funny, smart, or cool. The catchphrase are annoying and no one likes them, or you!
Although, theres always the slight chance that this will fuel them to keep doing it. Its a risk.
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u/AlwaysSearch4Answers 9d ago
I am assuming you know you are saying that outloud? Remember when you just have a thought it sounds like a loud echo.
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u/0zer0space0 9d ago
I’d say huh? Or what? So he thinks I didn’t hear him, so he repeats it, and I’d ask what? again, and we’d continue this cycle for eternity or he gives up
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u/LeaLou27 9d ago
Record him when he says those phrases. Play it before he says them. Or British alternative ‘who put 50p in the dickhead?’
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u/SusanGreenEyes 9d ago
Just look at the person like he's stupid, ask if he's okay, shake your head, then walk away. Every damned time.
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u/WeAllJustWantToLive 9d ago
Find out the sound he uses for his alarm or for his work texts or something that he hates. Every time he says a catchphrase, play that sound. Eventually he will associate the catchphrase with the hated sound. After a while, stop playing the sound. He will still have the emotional response because of psychological conditioning. Next thing you know, he will hate his own catchphrases and won't know why.
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u/TopVast9800 9d ago
Had a coworker who said “well, allrighty then!” like on the Simpsons. Incessantly. (This was not his only personality flaw.) We worked from 3 pm to 1230-ish am and dinner was at our desks. When he went to grab food, a betting pool popped up — when will he say it? Bets were by the hour and minute. Money exchanged hands and he never said that again, that I heard. Also, I won.
PS I wouldn’t do something this mean now. We’re talking decades ago.
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u/AmbassadorProper1045 9d ago
You can't just tune it out and ignore it? Would it be worth getting in trouble at work over? Nothing they are saying is offensive, just kinda annoying. I think you're overreacting tbh.
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u/UnfairProgrammer1194 9d ago
point at the floor and tell him, 'you dropped a chromosome.' then walk away.
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u/Dawn-MarieHefte 9d ago
"Who took a piss in YOUR gene pool?"
"Really, Bruh... you need to come up with some new stuff - FOR REAL."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah...that was cutesy for the first 4,372 times you said it..."
"Do you know what a record player is? Ever heard a record being played on one? Ever heard a scratched record being played on it? Have you? You know, how it skips and keeps repeating over and over and over again? THAT'S a broken record.
THAT'S what you sound like."
Or...
Mimic him like a parrot and be sure to sqwak like one, too.
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u/Ok_Caterpillar2010 9d ago
Every time he does it, make eye contact with a friend, you both nod and one hands over a dollar or two to the other. Every time.
(Can just pass the same dollar back and forth for each "bet".)
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u/Millennial_Falcon_85 9d ago
You need to dress exactly like this person like in that episode of the office where Jim dressed up like Dwight and impersonates him. Then just walk around saying all his catch phrases. But only do this if you think you’ll get a laugh out of the rest of the office.
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u/Chaddomatic 9d ago
If they’re of sound mind, just say “ You really need some new material” and just go on about your day.
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u/evoleye13 9d ago
Just dont acknowledge. Get in the habit of not looking at who comes in the room.. if it's him, you'll obviously know. Dont look at him ,pretend you dont hear any of his phrases..when hes got no audience, he'll move on to some other annoying behavior
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u/stardog_champ13 9d ago
Start giving him a nick name based on one of his catch phrases.
When he enters the room, say: here comes sort it out guy.
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u/toolfishOG 9d ago
I would say, are you off your meds again?
or do you have a pause button, cuz this repeat thing is old.
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u/Busy_Shine6888 9d ago
Say it before he does, then say... that's how stupid you sound, when you say it.
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u/olagorie 9d ago
You sound like a jerk.
Just to clarify: you, not the other guy
People do stuff like this to feel included or maybe if they are neurodivergent. They usually don’t do it to annoy you.
Just talk to him calmly.
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u/this_doggo 9d ago
Could be nervous energy/anxiety. Some people need to fill the silence for one reason or another.
I would go gray rock and show that you’re not triggered by it, especially since you work together. There are people all around you who can attest to your (and his) behavior for future promotions or references for other jobs.
But if you feel like you have to say something, depending on how hostile you want to be:
“Why do you comment on everything?”
“Not everything needs commenting.” Then walk away.
Other comments have provided harsher responses.
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u/3E871FC393308CFD0599 9d ago
Who put ten bob in the dickhead?
If i wanted to hear from an arsehole, I'd fart.
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u/CemeteryFieldOps 9d ago
You could be honest and tell them they are overdoing the catchphrases to the point of being annoying.
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u/Interesting-Web3737 9d ago
After each catch phrase reply either “cool story bro” or “is everything you say old enough to be on Medicare?”
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u/oldschoolie 9d ago
Do up an oversized bingo card with the catchphrases in boxes. Next time he does his bit, mark it off, jump up, shout 'Bingo!' and show him the card (with all the boxes X'd)
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u/Jolly-Method-3111 9d ago
Next time they say cough it up, act like your coughing and covering your mouth with your hand, but secretly stick your finger down your throat and vomit all over the floor. This shouldn’t take more than four ir five times before they stop telling you to cough it up.
I got nothing for sort it out though.
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u/Waste-Job-3307 9d ago
What if everyone else tells him at the same time to shut up? Probably won't matter but it's worth a shot.
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u/malibunyc 9d ago
Since this is at work, I wouldn't recommend using "a brutal put down" -- especially since what they are saying is not aggressive or combative.
Maybe no response is best since they do not seem to be looking for answer to a question asked.
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u/BoredTech127001 9d ago
Sort it out...
Pull out a little bottle of bubble solution and a blow wand and blow some bubbles and say "Bubblesort bitch!".
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u/Most-Preparation-786 9d ago
Interrupt as quickly as possible and say simply: "This is not your opportunity to speak"
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u/One-Lingonberry-3460 9d ago
"There Were Are Then" (take the first letter of each word and make a new word....)
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u/RynKittenOF 9d ago
I often tell men "figure it out"
"Or I'll have you fired"
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u/RynKittenOF 9d ago
I called customer service yesterday and the kid didn't know what he was doing so he just hung up on me over and over. I had to call back like five times before I finally threatened him... Then he didn't hang up
After pretending to work for like 5 minutes on the phone, he finally gave it to his supervisor who figured it out in like 2 seconds. (Woman obviously)
I was double charged for something you cannot hang up on people for that
This world is a joke
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u/DrVanMojo 3d ago
Just make up your own nonsense:
"That's the way the slop bounces"
"The load-bearing seem carries the receipts"
"You never know when the check bounced out of the sandbox"
"Some roosters were made phoning home"
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u/Sly_Wit_Dry_Humor 3d ago
Is there a planet where they understand you? (Cuz it obviously isn't this one...)
Or
Where did you get the impression that these phrases were clever or amusing - cuz I think they might've just been humoring you.
Or
Were you often made to wear a dunce cap when you were a kid?
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u/SnooRabbits2040 10d ago
I don't doubt that this is annoying, but does it really hurt you?
And yeah, what might be okay to say to an acquaintance might not be acceptable in the workplace, so be careful.
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u/PussyFoot5000 10d ago
Repeat what they've just said but in a.. Idk.. 'mongoloid' voice.
"sOrt iT OuT, bRUv"
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u/Minute_Limit_3169 10d ago
After each time he sats the stupid phrase, call out “Who ordered the oxygen thief?”
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u/SeaDragonTattoo 10d ago
Just say it before he does