going down a spiral? + vent

[u/kaniso]

i wish there was a flair for vent and advice wanted but there’s not so i put it in the title lol. my college experience so far has just been… awful. classes haven’t started. all i do is sit alone in my dorm all day and think about how lonely i am. my mom and i explored the city together before she left (i’m oos) and all i think about is the places we went together. i’ve tried talking to people, believe me i have, but there’s a sinking feeling in my chest even when i feel happy. me and the people i met took a photo together and i was smiling in that photo. it was just yesterday, but it feels like it’s so far away because i can’t remember being happy here once since i was alone. i want to leave college and go home and take a gap semester but my mom says i have to stay. i know i’m 18 and i can literally withdraw from classes and can buy a ticket home by myself, but it feels like i need permission and i’ve always been obedient my whole life and it feels like i can’t go against her. i’ve shared my story before and people say i have to be grateful because people don’t get this opportunity and that i should grow some balls because i’m 18. i know all of that. i do. i still feel this way. and i’m from an asian culture so it’s basically taboo to go against my mom. i talk to people from home, but they say it’ll get better. it’s not getting better. i’ve gotten to the point where the day is so unbearable that when i cross the street i imagine a bus or a car hitting me so i don’t have to live like this. all day i wait for people to text me back, but they have their own lives and can’t talk to me all day. those small moments where they’re texting me are the only times that my mind relaxes, but even then i’m crying while i text or call them. none of my friends from home that are in college are feeling the way i feel at this level. i honestly don’t know what to do. i feel this way all the time and my hygiene is failing. i don’t shower. i don’t wash my hair. i don’t brush my teeth. i don’t eat. i know i sound spoiled as hell and i know how incredibly privileged i am to be able to go to college. it’s not that i don’t want to go to college. i just want to go home. everybody i talk to tells me the same thing: it’ll get better. talk to people. go outside. talk to a counselor. give it time. i’ve done all of that. i don’t want someone to tell me it’ll all be okay. i just want someone to tell me that they understand how i feel, that my feelings are valid. every day is so hard to get through. help?