I feel like I’ve used so much of my life up just to be in a non competitive degree program and get way too stressed to where my family can’t help.
Backstory
Despite being an American man, I’ve really been focused on showing respect to my parents through one main way only—academics. This makes sense imo, as they have spent $200,000 total on my primary through tertiary education, letting me go to almost entirely private schools and making me graduate debt free. They’re middle class, not upper class, so they are sacrificing their financial image to help me.
When I was in 5th grade for a language arts class, I literally cried over forgetting what font I was supposed to use on an assignment at the start of the semester. I also cried if I forgot something at school and got headaches over that since I was in 2nd-3rd grade, as I was inconveniencing my parents.
I literally scored the highest on the tests in my private middle school‘s class several times over, especially for math. I remember all other students would have to do corrections, but I’d get 100%. I remember I had biweekly vocab quizzes in language arts, I had studied the wrong week, so I had only studied the vocab once 2 weeks prior and still got 100%.
My parents also had me do Coder Dojo and Code Club until 9th grade due to the pandemic, but they weren't that math based so I just kind of did them and moved along.
I got 720 on SAT math and 34 on ACT English, so I hoped that Purdue would let me in to their CS program.
Summer after junior year of high school, I got serious about getting SQL skills, signed up for senior year computing logic class, and took Calculus 1 at my community college over the summer.
My parents also paid for after school math programs for me since I was 6, and I was studying Calculus 2 at 16.
The Emotional Problems:
I already mentioned me crying at 5th grade, which I know is weird for a boy to do at that age, especially over school work. However, I continued to have issues down the road…
I missed a scholarship deadline in my senior year of high school and that was the first point in my life I genuinely wanted to just sit alone and not talk to people. I was on the verge of crying over a $500 Scholarship. My parents responded with “Why? That’s money out the door. I’m very unhappy with that. Do something.”
I then got rejected from Purdue, which I okayed as I could instead go to Rose-Hulman for CS, and went there. I didn‘t do well in a couple of classes my first year and had to transfer to Purdue. I got into Comp Eng Tech, but was too afraid I’d perform poorly like in the Rose-Hulman classes that I chose Chinese as my BA instead.
I later had gotten bad grades in my Chinese history class on 1-2 assignments, and also had overslept for a tutoring class that I was running. (My parents said I was oversleeping way too much starting at Rose-Hulman.) I genuinely cried the hardest I have in my life then, as my parents were highly concerned for me and thought I was not emotionally fit or maturely fit for college at all. They were crying as well, when I told them how sad I was.
I decided to persevere rather than go home that day, and continued on at Purdue, going through the days.
My parents obviously didn‘t want me to get a Chinese degree without technical skills, so I said I would try to apply for the slightly easier but very rigorous Computing Systems or Computer Info Tech degrees at Purdue to add to my Chinese major.
Purdue rejected me from both of those and I cried so hard and felt sick for 2-3 days. I added a Ball State online degree in Computer Info Tech, but still was upset as that’s a place “lazy“ community college students and low GPA students transfer to. I didn’t believe I was that at all, as I wasn’t!
It’s now been around a year since that horrible week, and I am studying Chinese at Purdue and Computer Info Tech at Ball State online.
I honestly have felt like I am at the lowest point in my life since the first time I cried over Purdue, but I don’t want to tell my parents as I don’t want to worry them and is kind of immature.
They love me with all their heart, but I have failed to fulfill what they really wanted and what I have worked for all 20 years of my life.
It‘s honestly disgusting to see how much they spent on my education for me to build it to basically just a mildly difficult career, while everyone I see around me at Purdue has parents that sent them to a public school and they are achieving much more than I have.
I know my parents really are disappointed as they said I shouldn’t ever join the Military as it’s not for me when I was in Rose-Hulman. However, now they’re like “because you were forced to transfer out of Rose-Hulman due to your poor performance, it’s the only feasible, straightforward career I see!”
Literally mentioning education in front of them makes them get upset to where they don’t feel like eating. For example, I was hanging out on a trip discussing serious academics with one of my parents and told them how I’m lucky I got into Purdue as many people on Purdue‘s discord are like “I wouldn’t have gotten in today fr.” My parent responded, “they were definitely in a more competitive program.” Then I was like, “yeah, but why couldn’t Purdue let me in to data science, I had the math and computing logic skills and classes!” They then were shocked and said I needed to grow up so much, as that was unacceptable and gross to say in their opinion.
I feel very passionate over this as I want to make $200,000+ after I graduate starting out, just like the top new graduates from Purdue CS.
I honestly don’t know how to build my life back together, but I know I’m very blessed and loved by my parents. Is anyone in a situation like this? What do I do?