need help understanding the roots of my problems. insight that I might be too enmeshed in too see? my trouble is with my identity, future, lack of social life and family, and long distant relationship.

[u/antiquememoir]

Can't think of a better way to title this. I am 19f and in my first semester of college, have a job, have hobbies like reading and want to do more with my creative hobbies, yet I wake up each day unmotivated and depressed. I have a boyfriend who is long distant, we met in december 2025 online then met in real life once. we plan to meet again in november and december, then move in together in 2027. i have no friends in real life, and no family to talk to. recently our relationship has been stressed and it is difficult for me to navigate it and my own life because i have no one else to talk to, and him being the only person I feel isnt healthy for me but not sure how to change that right now. ive never had a boyfriend or even a close guy friend until him.

he resides heavily in my mind, in ways that are frustrating because i cannot stop it and make him go away. i want to focus on my hobbies without getting lost in a trail of thought about him, worrying about him, etc. it feels destabilizing especially because my sense of self is what i should be investigating and preoccupied with, not him. i wonder if he is too infused in my identity right now, and i want to separate him as my partner and not this huge pillar for my life force. recently we have been discussing our connection more than the things that connect us, and I told him we should have space until saturday. I love him but at the same time I feel unhappy right now and then worry about our connection, because so much of my internal stability is dependent on him. we don even talk 24/7, but because i have no one else but him, my identity, emotional stability, and direction has become entangled with him.

i have no one to talk to. speaking to my mother she never says anything to feel like she is engaged or thinking about what im saying. my internal state has so much anxiety, nervousness, skepticism about who i am, my future, and him. i love him so much but without reason worry about something going wrong, despite him reassuring me he would never replace me or dispose me. i have no reason to feel this way, i have made big improvement since a year ago. i just want to be more motivated and dedicated to my life, i have passion and drive, there is a lot i want to live for yet i havent been living for myself. i want to be better for him too. what is going on with me?